Among the most important decisions a couple must make during the nine-month interval between passionate sweaty romance and a goopy bundle of joy is selecting a name to bestow upon their young one. As proven by Frank and Mrs. Zappa, who named two of their kids "Moon Unit" and "Dweezil", this is not a responsibility you should take lightly.
One option is to purchase a book of baby names. You should definitely go this route if you are, among other things, very stupid. This is because baby name books cost anywhere from eight to fifteen dollars and consist of names that you are familiar with already such as "Jason" and "Jennifer" just to name two. If you wish to give your child a less common name, say, "Erassmuss" or "Strychnine", you are better off putting him up for adoption to save him from a lifetime of ridicule and schoolyard beatings.
If for some reason you have difficulty developing your own list of potential kid monikers, you might want to consult a cheaper reference source: your phone book. This is also basically a list of names, and it is delivered to your home completely free of charge. When choosing a name from the phone book make sure to use the white pages only. Otherwise, years down the road, a detailed psychologist's report may be submitted as a defense exhibit in the murder trial of your son, Pizza Hut Wilson.
If you happen to have a last name that is also an actual word, you will have to exercise extreme caution when naming your baby. For example, during my lifetime I've met folks with names like -- and I'm not making these up -- Candy Barrs, Crystal Shanda Lear, and Bill Folds. Name your kid something like that, and you should not be surprised if one night he stabs you in your sleep.
|My friend Mike would hurt himself if he tried this.|
Another thing, if you're not sure about the spelling of a common name, don't guess. I've known kids named "Micheal" and "Danial", and I'm sure this was due to ignorance, not creativity.
And please, people, resist the temptation to give your child a normal name with a ridiculous alternate spelling. Your daughter Steffanny and your son Phrederrik will not only spend their entire lives spelling out those ridiculous handles for everyone, there's no chance in hell they'll be able to find a license plate for their bicycles. Keep it simple.
Stephanie and Frederick will thank you for it later.