Thursday, January 13, 2011

How Much Does a Bat Cost?

Good news for all of you out there on death row, it seems that America's execution rate is dropping due to a shortage of sodium thiopental, one of the drugs administered during lethal injections.  According to the Death Penalty Information Center ("Hello, this is the Grim Reaper, how may we kill you today?"), executions decreased twelve percent in 2010.  Texas of course led the nation with seventeen state-sanctioned whackings, followed by Florida, Mississippi, Alabama, and a first time member of the Execution Club, Alaska who sentenced two whale poachers to death-by-freezing.

According to Richard Dieter, the DPIC's executive director, "Whether it's concerns about the high costs of the death penalty at a time when budgets are being slashed, the risks of executing the innocent, unfairness, or other reasons, the nation continued to move away from the death penalty."

Executions were postponed or canceled in five states due to the sodium thiopental shortage, leading disgruntled inmates to complain about the inconvenience of having to adjust their personal calendars accordingly.  Convicted murderer/rapist William Michael "The Richmond Ripper" McFarland said, "Ya just can't count on the prison system for anything these days.  First, they go and drop the Discovery Channel from the cable programming, then they change from Coke to Pepsi in the cafeteria, and now my Goddamn execution gets canceled?  I'd already sent out the invitations and hired a DJ.  Someone better reimburse me for the tuxedo rental, or I'm liable to lose my temper.  And who knows what that could lead to, ya know?"

Since everyone seems to be overlooking the obvious here, I may as well ask the question myself.  If sodium thipental is so dang expensive, why don't we come up with a cheaper way of executing these scumbags?  Murderers don't seem to have a problem financing their operation, even those who don't have a huge sum of money left over from their career in the NFL, royalties from Hertz Rental Car commercials, and from appearing in the movie The Naked Gun.  If serial killers can finance their brutality on the cheap, why shouldn't the government?  Even if we still want to use lethal injections, who says it has to be sodium thipental in the syringe?  Why not use plain ol' gasoline?  I'm sure a healthy dose of Chevron super unleaded in the bloodstream would do the trick. 

Here's another idea.  What about arranging an execution so the killer dies by whatever method he used to murder his victims?  Eye for an eye, tooth for a tooth, fifty-seven stab wounds and defiling of the corpse for fifty-seven stab wounds, etc., etc.  Knives are cheap, you can get a complete set for $29.95 by calling 1-800-44-GINSU and if you act now, you'll get a second set absolutely free.  That's much cheaper than sodium whatever-it-is and twice the fun.

Whatever it takes, we need to reverse this downward trend and get the execution rate back up where it belongs.

The folks in Texas are getting antsy.


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J.J. in L.A. said...

Amen! The backlog in CA is ridiculous! Scott Peterson needs to meet his maker.

I hear it's mighty hot down there.

Eva Gallant said...

that is grim!

Mariann Simms said...

Personally I'm all for the Guillotine.

Quirkyloon said...

First of all, I had to snort very loudly at your "Hello Grim Reaper, how may we kill you today."

That's a FANTASTIC line. *snort*

Then it went from funny to EWWW!

So we should do unto killers as they have done to their victims?

What about the necrophiliacs?

You volunteerin'? Need a part-time job?

Yeah, I've watched one too many Law & Orders and Criminal Minds.

I feel so dirty.



I'm Jane said...

We could just send in Sarah Palin after she gets done whacking moose or whatever it is she's doing up there these days for her reality show.

She could campaign on having dramatically decreased the death row inmate population.

I think I need to pitch this to Bravo ASAP.

MikeWJ at Too Many Mornings said...

I wondered the same thing. I mean, bullets are practically free. Who needs some fancy drug?

Boom Boom Larew said...

I'm so disappointed that William Michael "The Richmond Ripper" McFarland's execution bash has been canceled. I had the perfect outfit all picked out... very stylish in jumpsuit orange.

Madge said...

I am all for having the killer die by whatever method he used for his victims, and I propose that the victims family have the opportunity to do the deed. It's only fair. As far as the necropheliacs Quirk, I'm sure there are pleanty of them in prison, or at least someone they could get to do that part, someone who hasn't had a conjugal visit in a while perhaps. But first.. I don't know if any of you watched or remember the part of "The Princess Bride" where he explained "The Pain" it goes something like this. To the pain means the first thing you will lose will be your feet below the ankles. Then your hands at the wrists. Next your nose. The next thing you will lose will be your left eye followed by your right. Your ears you keep and I'll tell you why. So that every shriek of every child at seeing your hideousness will be yours to cherish. Every babe that weeps at your approach, every woman who cries out, "Dear God! What is that thing," will echo in your perfect ears. That is what to the pain means. It means I leave you in anguish, wallowing in freakish misery forever. Except in this case not forever because after he's been wandering the streets like that for a little while the family gets to off him.

Rahul said...

did France have a shortage of guillotines?!!? HELL NO!

Well, actually I don't know if that's true. Can someone look that up? Just wanted to be emphatic

Babs-beetle said...

We used a noose when we had the death penalty. How expensive is a piece of rope? Oh but wait.....We also had a black head sack so they couldn't see the smiles on peoples faces that were watching. Still that isn't imperative, if it costs too much.

Homemaker Man said...

Cheapest way to do this? Hook'em on heroin and then feed them a bad batch. Just sayin'.

IT (aka Ivan Toblog) said...

How Much Does A Bat Cost?
I bet if you know an exterminator, he an get some for you cheap.
I'm sure live ones will be more expensive than dead ones.

StephanieC said...

What about moonshine. Really high-proof moonshine, injected.

Alcohol poisoning is alcohol poisoning. But the clean up costs might be more pricey.

Meh, I like the Guillotine idea above.

Seriously??... Really?... Seriously?


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