Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Tomato, To-mah-to

Like many men my age, I fight a constant battle with my weight. For the past decade or so, I've had a round-trip ticket between 195 and 24o pounds, and it's been tough to keep it on the low end. If I'm diligent about my diet and exercise, I can get the weight off pretty easily, but the minute I stop working at it? The swallows come back to Fat-ass-trano.

Maybe it's self-delusion, but even though I'm on the high side of the scale right now, I don't think I'd quite qualify as "fat". Overweight, certainly. Out of shape? Guilty. To keep myself in the right frame of mind, I've developed a standard of measurement that I find to be fairly foolproof.

I call it the "Bald Guy/Fat Guy Scale".

If you were to see me walking down the street . . . okay, unlikely . . . if you were to see me sitting on my ass at Dairy Queen scarfing a Thin Mint Blizzard, your first thought would most likely be, "Hey, look at the bald guy eating ice cream." As long as you're thinking, "That's a bald guy who's a little chubby" rather than "That fat guy is bald", I'm in the clear.

Let's look at a couple examples. First, we have George Costanza. A bald guy who's a tad overweight.

On the other hand, there's boxer Eric "Butterbean" Esch. Butterbean is a big fat guy who also happens to be bald.


A fine line, perhaps, but I find that it works.

As long as I'm on the subject, here's something else I've had to come to grips with. I've started buying shirts at Casual Male XL which is, for all intents and purposes, a big-and-tall store. But it's not because I'm a "Fat Guy". It's because I'm 6'3" and I have a long torso. This means that shirts that are XXL will fit me just fine, but due to the torso thing, they'll be a little short. It's not because the excess belly and love handles require a larger garment.

That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

When I last visited Casual Male XL, I made the mistake of taking my teenage son with me. He took a look around, sized up the situation, and said, "You know, Dad, I'm not trying to be rude here, but not only have you moved up a size, you've moved up a whole store."

I've altered my will accordingly.

But really, the store carries sizes all the way up to 7X. So as far as I'm concerned, 2XL(Extra Long) is the equivalent of "small".

Self-delusion is a beautiful thing, isn't it?

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33 comments:

nonamedufus said...

Funny post. And I identify with the weight thing (I have a full head of hair - nannie, nannie, boo,boo). But here's a real drawback I've discovered. In Canada I'm an XL T-shirt guy - T-shirts being my personal sartorial statement - but in the US I'm a XXL. Boy you guys are fat!

Me-Me King said...

Oh, boy. I know all about delusion or is it illusion. Regardless, when I look in my mirror I'm still the same size 7 I was in high school. Okay, maybe not - friggin' mirror!

Moooooog35 said...

I'm 5'3", 160 pounds.

There is no equivalent of 'Big and Tall' for me.

I need 'Short and Stocky' or, in most cases, 'Kids Section.'

Mulled Vine said...

Not sure you would call Butterbean anything but Mister or Sir! :)

f8hasit said...

Just thinking about a Thin Mint Blizzard made me gain 3 pounds...

:-)

April said...

But damn those thin mint blizzards are SO good! Don't give 'em up! Just don't! :-)

Sandee said...

Both photographs make me gag. Just saying.

Have a terrific day. :)

KaLynn said...

I think you are soo correct! You need the 'taller' shirts! One of my 2.75 ex's was 6-4 and he had to have the 'taller' shirts too! Even at 240 you are a tall guy and I'm sure don't look bad on you at all!
Kids! I have one or two I could send you if you need anymore abuse!
Cheers!

huginnmuninnandme.com said...

You're cute! *pokes belly*

Suldog said...

You, sir, have done a service for mankind. You have given us bald guys a reason to be happy with our lack of functional follicles. Without being hirsutely challenged, we would have no way to ascertain our relative happiness vis-a-vis our weight. On behalf of baldies everywhere, I thank you!

(Just for the record, I'm one of those bald guys who's a little chubby, and not Butterbean.)

Maggie said...

I can completely relate. The women's store I shop sells "plus sized" jeans in 1, 2, 3, 4 and 5. I'm a 2, so I'm a small... right?

And your post made me want a thin mint blizzard. NOW.

Also, with your teenage son's comment... I think he might be MY teenager as well. Or maybe all teen boys are the same: smartasses.

otin said...

Did I fuckin' write this??? Could be my life story! I am 6 ft 255 right now. I was 295 about 4 months ago. I was 195 in 1995. It is amazing how when you are on the upper end of the scale that you try to convince yourself that you still look ok! My train of thought "Ah, it works for Tony Soprano!" LMFAO!!!!

Candy's daily Dandy said...

Umm yeah, the biggest part of the battle is getting off MY FAT ASS TO DO something about it!!!

Oh, sorry. Did I just write that out loud???

Mommy With a Penis said...

This is truly a shame, but I just started following you today. I thought I was a follower. An avid follower. As a matter of fact, I thought I was your number one fan. Ain't that a kick in the pants. In regards to this post, I have so many clothes in my closet that I'll be able to fit back into "someday." My query, when will someday be now? I was an M, now I'm a solid L. I'm on your heels to the big and tall store my friend. Hutch

Grumpy, M.D. said...

Throttle the child!

Picture Imperfect said...

LOL! This made me laugh!

I have the same trouble with shirts... I buy them in regular sizes (I'm only a little overweight... but tall enough that most people don't notice) but they are too short because they have to make their way over the girls!!!

Another thing... almost every man I've ever loved has been bald, or going bald. Starting with my dad.

Bald is beautiful! ;) Just tell yourself it's a solar panel for your sex machine. ;o)

Great post, keep 'em coming!

Judge Fudge said...

I like this fat guy/bald guy scale idea.

Pearl said...

Your boy sounds like mine. He must be beaten. :-)

Pearl

Quirkyloon said...

Your a puny runt!

You're going to waste away if you don't get some more meat on your bones!

Go eat!

Tell them I sent ya!

Just do it!

Ha!

CatLadyLarew said...

Great idea, Knucklehead! I'm gonna go shave my head so they'll just think of me as the bald chick instead of the fat chick. Thanks!

MikeWJ at Too Many Mornings said...

I can wear a large T-shirt, but an XL feels better and an XXL gives me room to do things like move and breath. Like you, I prefer not to think I'm fat, but solid, portly or well-fed. Anyway, I'd write more, but I'm craving a DQ now, so off I go! ;)

Jeff said...

As a male approaching 40 (good God, that's the first time I've said/typed that) I'm not one of those people who say, "At least I still have my health." I say, "At least I still have my hair."

Beth said...

You sound just like my husband. Except he is shorter. And still has a lot of hair.

As for the comment from the boy, he is lucky to still be breathing.

Chief said...

That is exactly the way I look at it. I would rather be the smallest one at "Lane Giant" than the monster at Nordstrom!

Gaston Studio said...

Great comment from your son!

KaLynn said...

Hey you Knucklehead, you have an award at my place, come on by and grab it! Have a super day!

Pollyanna said...

All I can say is that I just finished my third Butterfinger (fun size). I'm sure my scale just tipped a little bit more. At least I'm not going bald.

Kathy said...

You are absolutely right. You lose weight when you really try, but the second you look away. BAM! Ten pounds. I'm going to cry now.

Loved your post and your kid indeed deserves to be removed from you will. You removed him, right?

Diane said...

1. I am seriously glad I am not bald.

2. Your kids clearly inherited your sense of humor.

3. Fat-ass-trano? SNORT!

4. If you ever DO turn into the fat guy who happens to be bald? Weight Watchers, baby! I'm lovin' it!

Phillipia said...

I have to go now...I hear a thin mint blizzard calling...

Oh...and cameras add at least 30 pounds and a chin...trust me.

britteny said...

hahahahaha. a whole store. that was hilarious.

ah, how i miss thee. sorry i've been MIA. i'm making a comeback.

Jenn said...

Funny, one of my closest girlfriends and I were just talking about our excess weight yesterday. The convo went like this:

Me: We should walk today because I am not going up another jean size this year.

Her: Don't remind me, I want to throw up chunks when I think about the way I look right now.

Me: If only those chunks could come directly off our tummy and ass...

So anyway, yeah we gals can certainly sympathize. Doesn't get any easier when winter sets in around here and we can 1. blame it on the wool sweaters and 2. start baking just to heat the house.

Good luck with your battle too!

Matty said...

"moved up a whole store"

Now that's hitting ya right between the eyes.

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