Monday, November 9, 2009

Justice For Jim Varney!

This month, Humor Bloggers Dot Com is sponsoring a fight against injustice in the world, wherever it may be found. And let's face it, my friends, it can be found everywhere. If the world were "just", ice cream would be a health food while radishes would be chock full of bad carbs and carcinogens. If the world were "just", America's Next Top Model would be banned from the airwaves as "unhealthy viewing for human beings". And if the world were "just", Hollywood would immediately lift its unfair treatment of blackballed actor Jim Varney and start giving him meaningful movie roles again.

Mr. Varney’s body of work is unparalleled in cinematic history, and his talent is boundless. His characters range from the goofy, off-beat Ernest P. Worrell in Ernest Goes to Camp to the hilarious and zany Ernest P. Worrell in Ernest in the Army. And if that doesn’t convince you that this master thespian is truly a man of a thousand faces, you also have his dramatic performance in the Oscar-snubbed classic Ernest Saves Christmas.

Due to widespread jealousy in the motion picture industry, Varney hasn’t appeared in a movie since he provided the voice for Slinky Dog in Disney’s Toy Story 2. It’s not like there haven’t been opportunities. He would’ve been outstanding as John Nash in A Beautiful Mind. Screw Russell Crowe. And what about The Dark Knight? Varney could’ve acted circles around the utterly miscast Heath Ledger in the role of the Joker.

That’s not even taking into account the untapped potential of the Ernest series. Forcing the world to settle for a mere ten movies featuring Varney's defining character is akin to Harper Lee publishing nothing after To Kill a Mockingbird. There was just so much ground left to cover. I, for one, am truly saddened that we never got to see Ernest Overturns Roe v. Wade or Ernest Finds Bin Laden. The continued boycotting of the man's talents is beyond shameful.

Now, I know what you’re thinking. “Didn’t Jim Varney die about ten years ago?” Yes he did, but since when is death an excuse for preventing a talented actor from earning a living? Hell, Betty White’s been dead since 1992 and she turned in a remarkable performance in the Sandra Bullock film The Proposal. It can be done, and Varney deserves the chance.

Please join me in my campaign to revive the career of Mr. Jim Varney. Write your local film director or make a donation to the Give Ernest Another Chance Foundation by visiting www.jimvarney.org/. It’s a cause worth fighting for.

Know whut I mean, Vern?

Stumble Upon Toolbar submit to reddit

23 comments:

Grumpy, M.D. said...

You mean he wasn't allowed to do Slinky dog in next year's Toy Story 3 just becasue he's dead?

Where is the federal government when you need it to fight job discrimination against the dead?

CatLadyLarew said...

I want to see "Ernest and Knucklehead Go Hawaiian." I bet you could strap him to a surfboard and make him look pretty lively.

nonamedufus said...

Jim Varney died 10 years ago?! I guess he's as lifeless as those movies you mentioned.

Suldog said...

"Got any bananas at your house, Vern?"

That line (spoken by Varney in one of his original monologues about Ernest, although I'm not sure it made a movie) was, seriously, traded back and forth by my father and me whenever we'd encounter a situation wherein the participants (other than ourselves, naturally) didn't have a full complement of fries to make a happy meal. So, I always had a soft spot for Varney. It was on top of my skull, and that's why I wear hats.

Moooooog35 said...

He looks just like every person working the sports counter in Walmart.

Quirkyloon said...

Dang. Betty White looks pretty good for 17 year old corpse.

Just sayin'.

*smile*

Picture Imperfect said...

LOL! Keep on fighting that righteous fight, Knucklehead. :o)

Me-Me King said...

What? He died? I just thought he was hanging out with Gene Rayburn trying to figure out what was behind door #3. Oh, he's dead too. Damn.

Jenn Thorson said...

It's good to know you won't let a little death get in the way of righting the wrongs.

That's dedication!

Mike said...

Know what you mean, Vern.

Judge Fudge said...

This is a fight we can win! After all, Keith Richards has been dead since the early 80's, and he's still makiing music, appearing on tv shows, and being splashed across the cover of magazines.

Knucklehead said...

@Dr. Grumpy: I think there's a Deceased Americans Act that's hung up in Congress somewhere.

@CatLady: Hmm. Shades of "Weekend at Bernie's". I like it!

@nonamedufus: Stiff as a Viagra-assisted septugenarian at Hooters.

@Suldog: Love it! I may start using that very phrase. Lord knows, opportunities abound.

@Moooooog: Even the women, which is just sad.

@Quirk: Doesn't she, though? She decomposes well.

@PictureImperfect: I absolutely will! Benny Hill needs justice also.

@Me-Me: Gene Rayburn and his ugly-ass suits are indeed deceased.

@Jenn T.: Too many people are using death as an excuse for laziness. It's gotta stop.

@Mike: Yup.

@Judge: You know, I came this close (I'm holding my thumb and forefinger an inch or so apart) to tossing in a Keith Richards reference. Great minds think alike, so in our case, I guess the inverse holds true.

MikeWJ at Too Many Mornings said...

Damn, I ain't seen a Varney movies, but after that review, I'm headed to the local Blockbuster right now to check every one of them buggers out and I'm taking off the entire week to watch them.

otin said...

Maybe George W Bush should take over his roles!

Love Writing Again! said...

Although I agree with you about America's next top model ...and pretty much most reality shows, I still don't know who this Jim is...?! Sorry! But I do admire your passion... has Jim visited? He should!!

Pearl said...

He needs a talk show. Why not? THey gave one to Wendy Williams!

Pearl

Beth said...

Laughing at otin.

Personally, Varney is one of my all-time favorite actors! I've learned so much from him.

"I didn't have four fathers! I only had one father and I didn't know him that well."

He never knew when to quit. Now what I mean, Vern?

Candy's daily Dandy said...

I like your style, dude......

thinkinfyou said...

It was a very sad day when Jim Varney died. Thanks for bring the painful memory back up!

Waltsense.com said...

For some reason I thought he was in jail for kiddy porn or something. Gotta love Ernie. I actually say Ernest goes to Camp with a case of beer and bunch of buddies. Great times!

Isabella said...

Was he a contestant on America's Next Top Model? Could of sworn I saw him in the underwater shoot.

Jules said...

That's not him in "Paranormal Activity?" Huh. I owe my husband $20!

Jules said...

PS - Keep fighting the good fight! In fact, do you have any school carpool pickup/dropoff material around??

Related Posts with Thumbnails