Monday, November 30, 2009

A Heapin' Helpin' of Leftovers


Every once in a while, the staff here at Knucklehead! (okay, it's just me . . . play along) come up with a few ideas or witticisms that just don't fit into the context of a regular post.  Instead of letting these leftovers go to waste, we'll share them here.  Just scrape off the mold and enjoy!

Charlie Brown and the gang are sitting in their junior high school history class.  The teacher has just assigned each student a country to write a report on.

Linus: I got Switzerland.
Schroeder: I got Portugal.
Lucy: I got Norway.
Charlie Brown: I got Iraq.

This morning I noticed a gray hair growing out of my ear.  I'm not sure which part of that sentence troubles me more.

I was at Denny's the other day, and I ordered synonym toast.  The waitress said, "Don't you mean cinnamon toast?"  I said, "No, I don't.  I mean synonym toast, because I like my toast with jam and jelly on it."

Speaking of food, I've figured out a great diet.  Every day for lunch, I'm going to eat a half-pound of pasta.  Then, for dinner, I'm going to eat a half-pound of antipasta.  They'll cancel each other out, right?

Back in medieval times, the king's army would travel from village to village, conquering new territory.  While in the village, the soldiers would often find a fair maiden to "conquer" as well.  Hence the term "One knight stand."

Whoever wrote the story of Goldilocks and the Three Bears clearly had no understanding of physics.  If the porridge was the same temperature to start with, there's no way that the medium-sized Mama's bowl would be "too cold" when the larger Papa's bowl was "too hot" and Baby Bear's was "just right".

The NFL would be a lot more exciting if each team were allowed to have an actual one of whatever their mascot is on the team.  The Chicago Bears, for example, could have a 700-pound grizzly playing linebacker.  The Dallas Cowboys could have a dude named El Paso Slim running an incredibly literal version of the shotgun offense.   There's be no stopping the New York Giants' ten-foot tall running back.  It would be awesome.  Unless you're the Arizona Cardinals.

More on team names: Given the prevalence of corporations buying the naming rights of stadiums and arenas (ie. Coors Field, Honda Center), I think we're about ten years or so away from teams actually being named for companies instead of the cities they play in.  Don't be surprised to see teams like the Pepsi Cowboys or the Labatt's Maple Leafs.  Of course, with some teams, the marketing tie-in would be perfect.  We could see a World Series between the Fruit of the Loom White Sox and the Miller Lite Brewers, or an AFC West battle between the MasterCard Chargers and the Ford Broncos.  You heard it here first, people.

The only difference between clairvoyance and paranoia is the degree of accuracy.

I always take the phrase "with the great taste dogs love" with a certain amount of skepticism.  My dog eats his own poop.

I think that any NFL quarterback who "slides" to avoid contact should be forced to play the rest of that game wearing a skirt and lipstick.  I'm looking at YOU, Tom Brady.

Do players on losing teams blame Jesus?  I mean, if you're gonna give Him credit when you win . . .

Show me someone who thinks that kids don't understand the value of things, and I'll show you someone who has never been inside a school cafeteria.  "No way!  I'm not giving you my Hostess apple pie for your baggie of carrot sticks!"

The terms "self-explanatory" and "common sense" have no business being in the English language.

A pamphlet on "nutrition facts" at McDonalds?  What's next, safety instructions on the electric chair?

I'm really glad that my last name isn't an actual word.  I doubt that I could resist the temptation to name my kids something like Candy Caine or Sandy Beech.

Writers who struggle to come up with witty metaphors are like elephants without surfboards.

I think someone should rewrite the Ten Commandments as haiku:

Thou shalt not covet
Thy neighbor's smokin' hot wife
Thou shall fry in hell

Hope you got at least a few chuckles here . . . now if you'll excuse me, I think there's still a Tupperware container of potato salad in the back of the fridge.

k

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31 comments:

Moooooog35 said...

You say your dog eats his own poop like it's a bad thing.




Perhaps I've said too much.

Gaston Studio said...

Some really good ones knucklehead, especially the antipasta canceling the pasta!

CatLadyLarew said...

Fascinating thoughts to ponder on a Monday morning! (My dog eats poop too... what's up with that? So much for a dog's mouth being cleaner than a human's.)

nonamedufus said...

I'm looking forward to renamed NFL teams playing with real mascots and QBs wearing skirts and lipstick. The league needs a more corporate, redneck, lesbian fanbase...yeah! And when the Gillette Patriots narrowly defeat the Invesco Broncos it'll be a close shave! As close as you can get.

Surfie said...

Thanks for the laughs! Poor Charlie Brown. It's Halloween all over again! :)

Noelle said...

your mind is a scary place and you should not be allowed to wander around in it alone.

on a happier note, i thoroughly enjoyed all of your witticisms but am still pondering the porridge issue...wouldn't the porridge cool off faster if there was a lesser amount, thereby reducing the density? discuss...

Eva Gallant said...

Lots of laughs here! I'm starting the pasta/anti-pasta diet today!

pgbowler2 said...

There have been some teams named for products - strangely enough the two I can think of are/were both in the NY/NJ area. Arena Football had the Red Dogs (a brand of Miller Bear) and soccer has the Red Bulls (energy drink).

Maybe the maker of the Zero candy bar can sponsor the Nets...

Quirkyloon said...

HA! I guess I could support the Diet Dr. Pepper Cardinals.

I guess.

Hmm.

Fun post Knucklehead! I think I lost another 1/18th of an inch off my butt!

Thanks!

Ivan Toblog said...

Too much!
Now I have to give the dog my...

...never mind

Nooter said...

mmm.... poop...

Suldog said...

Absolutely LOVE the line about paranoia and clairvoyance. Wish I had thought of it...

Suldog said...

By the way, MY WIFE and I have often wondered what would happen if full teams of the nicknamed mascots played each other. We kind of figure the Saints would win every game, but when they're not involved it's fun to ponder.

otin said...

Ford Bronco! LMAO!
The taste that dogs love!!hehe
I think that I laughed at most of them.

The lunchroom thing...I used to know a kid that would trade his fried chicken for buttered bread! LOser!!

lime said...

i'm thinking the miami dolphins might not be real thrilled to have an actual dolphin plyaing for them....unless they switch to water polo.

ReformingGeek said...

It would have to be the Dr Pepper Cowboys. Their new stadium is known as Jerry's World.

I don't think "Damn you, Jesus!" at every red light would go over so well down here in the Bible belt.

~KC~ said...

It must be on hell of a party in your imagination! Way too funny...

Olé!

The girl with the flour in her hair said...

Ha...thanks for the laugh. Loved it.

Judge Fudge said...

Nice! It's not easy being punny.

Oh, and you think the Cardinals would have it bad? Imagine the Saints and their new tight end: St. Bartholomea of Capitanjo!

~KC~ said...

How apropos...
More on team names: Given the prevalence of corporations buying the naming rights of stadiums and arenas (ie. Coors Field, Honda Center), I think we're about ten years or so away from teams actually being named for companies instead of the cities they play in. Don't be surprised to see teams like the Pepsi Cowboys or the Labatt's Maple Leafs. Of course, with some teams, the marketing tie-in would be perfect. We could see a World Series between the Fruit of the Loom White Sox and the Miller Lite Brewers, or an AFC West battle between the MasterCard Chargers and the Ford Broncos. You heard it here first, people.

Today, the NHL approved Molson's purchase of the Montreal Canadiens. You are onto something here...

Grumpy, M.D. said...

Turkey hangover?

MikeWJ at Too Many Mornings said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
MikeWJ at Too Many Mornings said...

Great stuff, Knucklehead. I can't write joke jokes to save my life, and here you have a whole page of them tossed off like so much moldy bread. And some of them are really, really funny -- like the ones about team names. More proof that you are not at all like your namesake.....

Beth said...

My dog likes to drink her pee. Thankfully, she leaves the poop stuff alone.

Funny stuff here! What the heck have you been drinking?

Nomad said...

they dont really all bother me that much... but since ive started its hard to stop...

Phillipia said...

I do love leftovers...:)

Mr. Condescending said...

This is one of those rare posts that I can read to a friend and they will laugh, I loved this post, every one of the snippets of knucklehead humor.

Unfinished Rambler said...

Even your leftovers put the rest of our posts to shame. Thanks a lot. :) No, really, it was, and is, worth it (whatever it is).

Jules said...

1. Even as a small child, I could never figure out why the discrepancy in porridge temperatures and why Papa and Mama bear had different beds. Clearly this was before the Sleep Number mattress.
2. "Dogs are so smart" has always been met with visions of my dog eating his own poop. I don't know any smart people who do that. At least, not in front of others.
Very clever, there, DK!

Anonymous said...

"Writers who struggle to come up with witty metaphors are like elephants without surfboards." Simile, my man...Simile...

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