Charlie Brown and the gang are sitting in their junior high school history class. The teacher has just assigned each student a country to write a report on.
Linus: I got Switzerland.
Schroeder: I got Portugal.
Lucy: I got Norway.
Charlie Brown: I got Iraq.
This morning I noticed a gray hair growing out of my ear. I'm not sure which part of that sentence troubles me more.
I was at Denny's the other day, and I ordered synonym toast. The waitress said, "Don't you mean cinnamon toast?" I said, "No, I don't. I mean synonym toast, because I like my toast with jam and jelly on it."
Speaking of food, I've figured out a great diet. Every day for lunch, I'm going to eat a half-pound of pasta. Then, for dinner, I'm going to eat a half-pound of antipasta. They'll cancel each other out, right?
Back in medieval times, the king's army would travel from village to village, conquering new territory. While in the village, the soldiers would often find a fair maiden to "conquer" as well. Hence the term "One knight stand."
Whoever wrote the story of Goldilocks and the Three Bears clearly had no understanding of physics. If the porridge was the same temperature to start with, there's no way that the medium-sized Mama's bowl would be "too cold" when the larger Papa's bowl was "too hot" and Baby Bear's was "just right".
The NFL would be a lot more exciting if each team were allowed to have an actual one of whatever their mascot is on the team. The Chicago Bears, for example, could have a 700-pound grizzly playing linebacker. The Dallas Cowboys could have a dude named El Paso Slim running an incredibly literal version of the shotgun offense. There's be no stopping the New York Giants' ten-foot tall running back. It would be awesome. Unless you're the Arizona Cardinals.
More on team names: Given the prevalence of corporations buying the naming rights of stadiums and arenas (ie. Coors Field, Honda Center), I think we're about ten years or so away from teams actually being named for companies instead of the cities they play in. Don't be surprised to see teams like the Pepsi Cowboys or the Labatt's Maple Leafs. Of course, with some teams, the marketing tie-in would be perfect. We could see a World Series between the Fruit of the Loom White Sox and the Miller Lite Brewers, or an AFC West battle between the MasterCard Chargers and the Ford Broncos. You heard it here first, people.
The only difference between clairvoyance and paranoia is the degree of accuracy.
I always take the phrase "with the great taste dogs love" with a certain amount of skepticism. My dog eats his own poop.
I think that any NFL quarterback who "slides" to avoid contact should be forced to play the rest of that game wearing a skirt and lipstick. I'm looking at YOU, Tom Brady.
Do players on losing teams blame Jesus? I mean, if you're gonna give Him credit when you win . . .
Show me someone who thinks that kids don't understand the value of things, and I'll show you someone who has never been inside a school cafeteria. "No way! I'm not giving you my Hostess apple pie for your baggie of carrot sticks!"
The terms "self-explanatory" and "common sense" have no business being in the English language.
A pamphlet on "nutrition facts" at McDonalds? What's next, safety instructions on the electric chair?
I'm really glad that my last name isn't an actual word. I doubt that I could resist the temptation to name my kids something like Candy Caine or Sandy Beech.
Writers who struggle to come up with witty metaphors are like elephants without surfboards.
I think someone should rewrite the Ten Commandments as haiku:
Thou shalt not covet
Thy neighbor's smokin' hot wife
Thou shall fry in hell
Hope you got at least a few chuckles here . . . now if you'll excuse me, I think there's still a Tupperware container of potato salad in the back of the fridge.