Thursday, February 3, 2011

Celebrity Health Tips: Debunk'd!

When it comes to health and nutrition, I'm admittedly not an expert.  My dietary habits are deplorable, my exercise routine consists primarily of walking to the refrigerator, and I visit the doctor about as often as Mel Gibson visits the Museum of Tolerance.  I freely admit this, so if ever you see a book entitled, "Knucklehead's Guide to a Healthier Lifestyle", you should take it with a grain of salt.  Or an In-N-Out Double-Double.  But please buy the book, because I'll need the money to finance my triple-bypass.

It seems obvious, but dietary suggestions, health advice, and other matters of science are best left to the professionals.  Not everyone agrees with this, however, as we're constantly being bombarded by celebrity-endorsed health tips that make absolutely no sense at all.  For example, supermodel Naomi Campbell, actor Ashton Kutcher, and his mom Demi Moore follow a diet that includes nothing but maple syrup, lemon, and pepper, for periods up to two weeks.  Can you imagine?

"What's for breakfast, Mom?" Ashton asks Demi.

"Same as yesterday, Ashy dear.  A bowl of maple syrup."

"Oh, good!  And did you remember to pack my lunch?"

"I did indeed.  It's a nice, juicy lemon and freshly ground pepper."

Don't get me wrong, I've had lemon and pepper together too.  But it was slathered on a grilled piece of chicken.

Naomi Campbell told Oprah (of all people) that she follows this diet because "it's good to clean out your body once in a while."

With maple syrup?  Sorry, I don't get it.

Naomi, Ashton, and Demi, however, are nutritional visionaries compared to pop star Sarah Harding.  Sarah told Now magazine that she crumbles charcoal -- that's right, Kingsford briquettes -- over her food.   According to the article, she does this because, quote, charcoal doesn't taste of anything and apparently absorbs all the -- and here she uses the technical medical term -- "bad damaging stuff in the body." 

The Sense About Science group asked chemical scientist Dr. John Elmsley to comment on this idea.  When he finally stopped laughing, Dr. Elmsley said that while charcoal is known to absorb toxic molecules when used in gas masks and sewage treatment -- notice he made no mention of the human digestive system -- it's unnecessary when it comes to diet.  It seems as though the body is already capable of managing the "bad damaging stuff."

Which brings us to British cage fighter Alex Reid.

Remember the scene in the movie "Rocky" where Stallone wakes up at the crack of dawn and chugs a glassful of raw eggs?  Disgusting, right?  Well, Alex Reid's training regimen takes this concept to entirely new level.  To prepare for a big fight -- I swear I'm not making this up -- he "reabsorbs" his sperm.

"I believe that semen has a lot of nutrition," Reid says.  "A tablespoon of semen has your equivalent of steak, eggs, lemons, and oranges.  I am reabsorbing it into my body and it makes me go raaaaah."

So let me see if I understand this.  Alex Reid is training for a fight, and he has two choices for dinner.  On the one hand, he has a large steak, a cheese omelette, orange slices and a glass of lemonade.  On the other hand, he has a shot glass of his homemade man chowder.  He's saying this is an equal choice?  Call me crazy, but why not just eat the steak and eggs?

But hey, maybe that's why I'm not a cage fighter.

Please tell me Alex Reid didn't lose to THIS Tom Watson.
You'd think that with such an unorthodox training diet, Reid must be seeing some outstanding results in the cage, right?  I mean, why "reabsorb" your jizz if it's not actually helping?  But get this.  Alex Reid hasn't won a bout since 2005.  He's had seven fights since then, and he's lost every single one of them.  His lifetime record is eight wins, nine losses, and one draw.  In September, 2010, he lost to a guy named Tom Watson who I'm hoping to God isn't the same Tom Watson who won the 1975 Byron Nelson Golf Classic.

I wonder if his nickname is "The Spermanator".

In addition to being thoroughly grossed-out, scientist John Aplin said sperm can't be reabsorbed.  The little buggers die after a few days, and the nutritional content of the ejaculate is really rather small.  As though that's the only drawback.

You know, now that I think about it, "Knucklehead's Guide to a Healthier Lifestyle" isn't such a bad idea.  Compared to these other diets, a Double-Double couldn't possibly do any harm.

Of course, you'll want to sprinkle some charcoal on it first.


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Mariann Simms said...

"On the one hand..." - just wondering...what if he uses two hands to masturbate? ;)

J.J. in L.A. said...

If you're endorsing the Double-Double Diet, I'll be on the commercials!

Eva Gallant said...

If I thought it would give ma a body like Demi, I would eat maple syrup, lemons, and pepper!

Homemaker Man said...

Hah! Ashton Kutcher's Mom.

Maybe that dude needs to try to re-absorb somone else's semen.

Suldog said...

This should be obvious, but I'll point it out in case Axel Reid is a fan of yours and reading these comments. One of the secrets to a happy life is having someone else reabsorb your sperm.

Quirkyloon said...

*snort, snort*

That's the equivalent of a laughing Double Double. Although, I confess that the Double Double is much, much tastier.

"Homemade man chowder."


That had me laughing sooooo hard!

Another hilarious post!

notactuallygod said...

That is NOT what manonaise is for, goddammit! Maybe he should date that weirdo who wears meat for clothing? I just did a post on people's misuse of very obvious things.

EmptyNester said...

I don't need a diet...I'll just read your blog and laugh the pounds off!

notactuallygod said...

I need to thank you for "stone the bitch"; making tonight the first time I can remember a commenter making me laugh on my own site.

(Not the first time I've been glad I e-met you)

ApparentlyatotalB said...

LOL!!! Just the thought of ANYONE saying they reabsorb their own sperm with a straight face is ridiculous!!

injaynesworld said...

A word in defense of charcoal. I always keep these capsules around. A bout with food poisoning -- pop a couple of these babies and problem solved. Also,if you take a couple with your first drink of an evening out or wherever, you won't get as drunk or wake with a hangover.

I wouldn't pour the crap on my food though. That's just wrong.

Lauren said...

What is wrong with those people rhetorically speaking. They really get into some weird shit.

Though, I have to say that it makes sense that Reid ingests his sperm using a shot glass, though a turkey baster might work, too.

...And crumbling Kingsford briquettes over food... That's gotta taste worse than granola and is flammable, too. I guess finishing off a meal with a flambé is out of the question.

cardiogirl said...

I have heard that semen contains protein -- at least that's what my college boyfriend told me.

Saba said...

That's the equivalent of a laughing Double Double. Although, I confess that the Double Double is much, much tastier. Generic pariet

anwarkhan said...

what a interesting article, however, I still do not believe the similarities between the two . Thanks for bringing this article,
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