Thursday, February 11, 2010

My New Friend, Adekunle F. Jemoris

When I opened my e-mail this morning, I received a pleasant surprise.  It seems as though I've benefited from a horrific Nigerian tragedy, the details of which I will share with you momentarily.  You'll notice that this e-mail was sent on March 2, 2010, so it looks like I may be the first person to receive a message from the future.  I do not take this honor lightly.

For ease of readability (who says I don't care about my readers?) I will embed my response to this gentleman on a paragraph-by-paragraph basis, my words (as if you couldn't guess) are in bold.  

Here is the information I received.  Let me warn you, the story is gut-wrenching. 

Email Message For You Dated: 03-02-2010.  
March 2, 2010!?  Today is February 11, 2010!  I got an e-mail from the future!
Adekunle F. Jemoris & Associates
Attorney At Law, Property
Consultant & Solicitor To
The Supreme Court Of Nigeria
Plot 228 Kudirat Abiola Way,

Dear Friend,

Kindly accept my apology for sending unsolicited mail to you. I believe you are a highly respected personality, considering the fact that I sourced your profile from a human resource profile database on your country. Though, I do not know to what extent you are familiar with events.

Wow, this was a quick friendship we've developed, isn't it, Mr. Jemoris?  Well, greetings to you too, pal.  No need to apologize for sending me an unsolicited e-mail, I get them all the time.  Usually they're in regard to some medication, or tips to enlarge various body parts, so I'm quite used to the world of spam.  A "highly respected personality" you say?  Well, sir, you flatter me.  I do have some concerns with this "human resource profile database" you mentioned, though.  Have you somehow hacked into our country's FBI files?  I suppose that's none of my business, but be warned -- our government frowns on that sort of shenanigans.

Well, I am Barrister Adekunle F. Jemoris, a Solicitor. I am the Personal Attorney to Mr. Steve A. who used to work with Agip Oil Company in Nigeria. On the 21st of April 2003, his wife and their three children were involved in a car accident along Abuja Express Road.

You're a barista?  Okay, I'd like to order a triple vente caramel macchiato, extra hot please.  Ha ha ha, I'm only fooling with you.  I know that you said barrister, not barista.  I am a bit curious, though, why you feel free to look me up on a spooky-sounding "human resource profile database" and invade my privacy, yet only refer to your client as "Steve A.".  Seems fishy to me, Adekunle (if I may call you that).  I find it refreshing, though, that the name of Mr A's oil company was "A gip."  Nothing like truth in advertising.  On a more serious note, I am truly saddened to hear of the A family's car accident.  I know that Abuja Express Road is a treacherous stretch of gravel, especially at night.  I hope their injuries were not serious.

Unfortunately, they all lost their lives in the event of the accident. Since then I have made several enquiries to your Embassy to locate any of my client's relatives, this has also proved unsuccessful. After these several unsuccessful attempts, I decided to trace his relatives over the Internet to locate any member of his family but to no avail, hence, I contacted you to assist in repatriating the money left behind by my client in a Bank.

Oh my gosh, they DIED?  Don't I feel like an asshole.  Please pass along my condolences to his relatives . . . oh wait, that's your point here, isn't it, you can't find any.  I do have a suggestion though.  Maybe you could locate his family in that "human resource profile database" that you're so fond of.  If not, how many A families could their possibly be?  Maybe you should start by checking in northern California, you know, the Oakland A's.  Just kidding.  Let's talk more about this money you'd like me to repatriate, whatever that means.

Particularly, the Finance House where the deceased deposited the US$15 Million (Fifteen Million United States Dollars only) knows me very well and has ask me to present some one to claim the fund left my late client as they all know I am his attorney. 

I have to question the judgment of any "Finance House" that entrusts fifteen million bucks to a guy whose only recourse is to offer it to some stranger he found on an underground Internet database.  But hell, it's not my problem, and we're talking about some major cash here.  Okay, what do you want from me, Adekunle? 

Consequently, this Bank issued me a notice to provide the Next of Kin to claim the US$15 Million (Fifteen Million United States Dollars only) in their custody within the next ten official working days. Since I have been unsuccessful in locating the relatives for over 5 years now, I seek your consent to present you as the next of kin of the deceased to claim the fund as the Next of Kin to him so that the Bank will transfer the fund to your account. 

Okay, that sounds like a bunch of shady legal mumbo-jumbo to me but hell, Adekunle, I trust youCount me in.  Go ahead and have your bank transfer the funds into my account.  I'll be checking in with my bank to see when the money's available, and then I'm off to the Bahamas for a couple weeks.  Oh, and as a point of clarification, when you say "within ten official working days" do you mean from the time I got this e-mail, or from the March 2, 2010 date that you sent it?  I'm still a bit bamboozled by your use of time-travel. 

Upon receipt of the fund, I will come over to your country to meet with you for the disbursement of the fund and then you and I will share the money in this order: 70% will be for me, 30% will be for you. I have all the necessary legal documents that can back our claim we may make with the Bank. 

Oh, wait, you mean there's a catch?  You sneaky bastard.  Didn't we say that the money was going to be deposited in my account?  That would seem to put me in a much stronger position to negotiate than you, now, wouldn't it?  I'm fine with the 70-30 split, my friend, but I get the 70 or it's no dice.

 All I require is your honest co-operation to enable us seeing this deal through. I guarantee that this will be executed under a legitimate arrangement that will protect you from any breach of the law. 

Well, of course you have my honest co-operation.  I'm an upstanding American citizen and, as you yourself put it, a "highly respected personality."  In fact, I'm such a magnanimous guy that there's no way I can justify my own personal gain (to the tune of whatever 70% of 15 million dollars is) from the death of a beautiful Nigerian family.  So here's what I'm suggesting, Adekunle.  What do you say that you and I invest this fifteen million dollars in the upgrade and modernization of Abuja Express Road.  I believe that Steve A. and the rest of the A. family would appreciate the gesture, to ensure that no other tragedies occurIt was their money, after all. 

Best regards,

Adekunle F. Jemoris
Principal Attorney.

Right back atcha,
Mr. Knucklehead


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Beth said...

Holy cow! Time travel is real?

This was hilarious. Lately, I've gotten several emails from *girls* looking for a husband. I'm confused as to how I'm supposed to help them.

screwdestiny said...

How nice that you turn a stupid piece of spam mail into a hilarious post for us to read.

f8hasit said...

Sometimes my spam mail is more interedting than the my regular inbox!

Hey...can I borrow a couple hundred thousand when you get your deposit?

Quirkyloon said...

That is soooo wonderful Knucklehead! I'm happy for you.

B.S. Can you do me a solid and give, not lend, me a 100k? Did I say how WONDERFUL you are? You are you know. And generous too. Ahem.

Expat From Hell said...

Terrific creativity. Since I am now on the hook for some Nigerian millions myself, it is a great relief to know that I won't be in the Bahamas alone. EFH

Moooooog35 said...

The first tipoff is that it's from 'Nigeria.'

Like that's even a real country.

WannabeVirginia W. said...

I wonder if he is related to Michael Angiers the guy that I am getting e-mails from because apparently I needed a values overhaul!

Eva Gallant said...

That Nigeria is one dangerous place! I can't begin to tell you all the Gallants (My relatives) that have died there in car crashes, airplane crashes, and hotel fires. My husband and I made a pact agreeing to cross Nigeria off our list of possible vacation destinations!

Suldog said...

Just thought I should clue you in, Knucks. The A. family money is already in the country. I have it on good authority that it is buried underneath a big A behind some ballpark in Anaheim. You should go start digging now and save some time. If you finish before March, you'll have the money before that silly attorney even knows it's gone!

(I'd come help you shovel, but I'm on the east coast and all.)

Jenn Thorson said...

Why am I picturing Adekunle F. Jemoris as played by Eddie Murphy's African student character in "Trading Places"?


~jill said...

wow...i think you're being a little greedy demanding 70%. After all, he's being looking for the relatives for over 5 years. maybe 60/40 would be more reasonable?

Ziva said...

I was once going to order this one girl from Russia, Anna, but something came up and when I went back to order her, my spam folder had been emptied automatically. I was devastated - I mean, she said she was my soulmate, after all. You don't come across those very often.

On an unrelated note, you'd think a highly respected personality like yourself would know that the month-day-year date format is only used in a selected few, well known, and powerful countries like America, Canada and the Federated States of Micronesia, and therefore, poor Adekunle had no idea you'd think he was talking to you from the future when he set the date on his email account. Kudos for him for trying, though. Better luck next time, Adekunle.

IT said...

It seems that the only thing that works in Nigeria is the Internet. Thanks a lot Al Gore!

brookeamanda said...

I get those emails all the time, too! I shudder to think who is the person that actually takes them seriously?!

Kate said...

I love your responses hilarious. Have you ever been to the 419eater site? The guy makes them read entire novels etc out as revenge for scamming. Supposedly a few have reformed because of it.

Kate xx

jdemott said...

Enjoyed this one. Those emails are absurd, and oddly common. Who the heck responds to them?

Fragrant Liar said...

Honest cooperation? From the epitome of honesty himself! Well, this little spin warmed the cockles of my heart (whatever those are).

These guys never tire of this pitch. I can't tell you how many Nigerians have contacted me personally with similar requests to become a multimillionaire. If I'd followed up with each of them, I could pay down the national debt for 20 years into the future. But I'm stingey like that.

mac said...

Now wait just a minute Mr Knucklehead. That guy said the money was MINE.
Dammit, I had plans!

MikeWJ at Too Many Mornings said...

I'll say one thing about Adekunle F. Jemoris: He's got a very cool name.

Swami Dil said...

Wonder if this guy is related toa ll the other 'Barrister' s who keep emailing me, and not only from Nigeria.

Kyle said...

That's very thoughtful of you to fix that road.

Phillipia said...

Okay everyone. You can rest the late Mr. A's nextest of kin I have contacted Mr. Jemoris with my bank info and will be receiving all 100% of the 15M within the next few hours. Party at my place.

Jules said...

I have been working on the do's and don't's for overseas coffee servers who want to give me money, but yours (of course) is waaayyyy better!!!
It is a shame, don't you think, that all these false Nigerian bankers are ruining it for the real ones who actually do have the authority to give us money?

Tgoette said...

Wow, that was a great response! I think I will forward all of my emails from Nigeria to you from now on. You are so good at it! Great blog so I'm gonna follow ya!

Mary@Holy Mackerel said...

You are one lucky, lucky person! Wow, I can only hope to be as lucky some day!! Have fun with your 30 % of the cash settlement!

Swami Dil said...

Here's one that goes a step the FBI are involved! They have intercepted the funds and want me to contact them with all my details asap, so they can arrange for me to have my money, all 7.5 million dollars!! Failure to do so shall result in my prosecution "with the full weight of the law"!

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