Mr. Plushenko, Meet Mr. Pronger

I was watching the Olympics the other night, listening to commentator Dick Button analyze Evgeni Plushenko's performance in the Men's Figure Skating, and I couldn't help but wonder, "How the hell do you end up with a name like Dick Button?"  It sounds like a something you'd find on a pair of boxer shorts.  And it's not like the guy didn't have options.  Assuming his given name is "Richard," what's wrong with "Rick Button?"  "Ricky Button," "Little Richie Button," or even "Chip Button" would be much more dignified.  So anyway, Dick was going on and on about how critical it was for Plushenko to nail his double-axels and triple toe loops to stay in contention for a medal. Being the consummate sports fan that I am, with a lifelong appreciation for the spirit of athletic competition, I was of course rooting for Plushenko to fall flat on his ass.  Because that is what figure skating is all about.

Frankly, I'm surprised that they even allow figure skating in the Olympics. It's not like it's actually a sport.  You might be thinking, "Of course it's a sport, because the skaters are finely tuned athletes competing against each other" and if you're thinking that, you are, with all due respect, stupid.  Marching bands compete against each other, too, but no one is saying that the Proviso East High School Marching Band (nickname: "The Marching Musical Machine of the Mid-West") should be in the Olympics.  You also might be thinking, "Oh yeah, well, you only hate figure skating because you can't do it," but that doesn't hold water either.  What, all of a sudden I'm the measuring stick?  If I can't do something, that automatically makes it a sport?  I can't fix a car to save my life, but I don't think we'll be seeing a team of Norwegians going for the gold in the Men's 1500-meter Downhill Transmission Flush in 2012.

Also, figure skating isn't a sport because the winner is chosen by a panel of judges, just like American Idol, Dancing With the Stars, and the Great Southwestern Texas Chili Cookoff.  In real sports, the winner is immediately obvious, like the team with the most points, the sprinter that finished first, or the boxer who is not lying on the floor unconscious.

So now you're probably thinking, "Ah ha!  But wait!  Boxing has judges too!"  And if that's what you're thinking, you have fallen right into my trap.  Because that brings us to my point, which is this:  Let's combine the scoring system of figure skating with that of boxing.  Here's how it would look:

Evgeni Plushenko, for example, begins his long program as usual.  Thirty seconds into his routine, however, the officials let loose Canadian hockey player Chris Pronger whose sole purpose is to kick the living crap out of Evgeni Plushenko (when it's a Canadian figure skater's turn, Pronger would be replaced by Russian defenseman Anton Volchenkov).  If Plushenko can complete his routine without being splattered across the sideboards, the judges give him his score just as they always have.

But let's suppose that right in the middle of a flawless triple-salchow, Pronger barrels into Plushenko from behind, depositing the figure skater in the seventh row where he curls up into a ball crying for his Babushka.  This is scored a "knockout," Plushenko receives no score and spends the rest of the Olympiad wandering the streets of Vancouver looking for his spleen.

Now, what happens if all the figure skaters are knocked out, and no one receives an actual score?  Simple.  NBC packs up its equipment, leaves the skating venue and goes to cover a real sport, like bobsledding.

And Dick Button could go petition his local court for a legal name change.


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