Monday, February 1, 2010

All That and a Bag of Frozen Peas


So there I was, sitting in Vasectomy 101, taking notes as Dr. Cutsack explained the horrifying experience I was about to go through.  The doctor emphasized the fact that although vasectomies are reversible, due to possible complications the operation should be considered permanent.  He put a slide on the overhead that illustrated the science involved.  And then he said two words that really got my attention.

Local anesthesia.

What?  I'm going to be awake for the nut-cutting?  Couldn't we discuss this?

The operation was scheduled for the following Friday, which meant that I had homework to do on Thursday night.  The first assignment was to collect a sample of my swimming buddies to be stored and frozen just in case I wanted another kid someday.  I took some reading material into the restroom, shook hands with President Lincoln, and the mission went off without a hitch.  The second part of the homework was to shave the relevant area; however, the instruction pamphlet was not real specific in regard to "area".  Was I supposed to just shave ground zero, or did it mean the outlying suburbs as well?  To be on the safe side, I took care of the whole region.

I went in on Friday afternoon, more than a little apprehensive.  This is Southern California, after all, so you never know when an earthquake might strike.  It would be just my luck to be under the knife at the time.  I can imagine the doctor: "Um, sorry about that.  It was 6.3, but now it's 3.5."  I checked in, and noticed that the waiting room was completely empty.  Apparently, I was the first appointment of the day so I didn't even have to wait.  They took me right in.
 
I changed into the ass-less hospital gown, and sat down on the chilly metal table.  After just a few minutes, the prep nurse entered.

If the hospital administration had any compassion whatsoever, they would only assign ugly nurses to vasectomy prep duty.  But no.  My prep nurse was a dead ringer for Angelina Jolie.  Great body, sultry lips, long flowing hair, an absolute knockout.

"Okay, I'll need you to lift the gown," she cooed.  I complied, and she started applying, well, something.

This was not good.  Sporting wood during a vasectomy would have to be a story that doctors tell at medical conventions or chuckle about on the golf course.  Having no desire to be the butt of such jokes, I immediately disengaged my brain from Nurse Angelina's administrations.

I thought about the 1978 World Series.  I thought about that creepy "Pat" character from Saturday Night Live.  I thought about Rosie O'Donnell with head lice.

Thank God, it worked.  Embarrassment averted.

Dr. Cutsack came in and briefly described what he'd be doing over the course of the twenty minute procedure.  "First, we'll make a small incision in your scrotum.  Then, we cut the vas deferens and tie off the ends.  It's really quite simple."

"What if there's an earthquake?"

"Well, let's hope there isn't one."

Not exactly the comforting words I was hoping for.

He set up a sheet around my waist, so I wouldn't be able to watch what he was doing.  Not that I'd want to.  "First thing we're going to do," he said, "is give you a local anesthetic."

At that point, Dr. Cutsack stabbed my sack with a needle, and injected a quart of sulfuric acid into my testicles.  I am not ashamed to admit that I screamed like a little girl.

"Okay, that's the worst of it," he said.

"I SHOULD FUCKING HOPE SO!"  Polite conversation goes right out the window when your balls are sizzling.

The doctor waited for the anesthesia to kick in, and then he got out the scalpel.  I didn't feel a thing.  Then he pulled out the pinking shears.  I heard a "snip" and then felt something spritz the inside of my thigh.  Blood, probably, but who knows?  Drawing on his Boy Scout experience, Dr. Cutsack tied my junk in a couple half-hitches, sewed things up and the nightmare was over.

I got dressed, said goodbye to Nurse Angelina, and left.  When I walked back out into the waiting room, it was now full.  Guys with their wives, waiting to take their turn.  Since I had obviously just survived the procedure all the men were looking at me, trying to determine just how bad an experience they were in for.

I couldn't resist.

I looked at the group, gave a "thumbs-up", and in my best Mickey Mouse voice I said, "Nothing to worry about, guys, it's a piece of cake."

Two of the men fainted, one got up and left.

The recovery was not pleasant.  Once the anesthesia wore off, the pain set in.  The swelling, while ego-boosting, was really uncomfortable so I spent most of the weekend with a bag of Del Monte frozen peas in my crotch.  It took about five days for the pain to fully subside.

Just in time for the itchy stubble to take over.


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31 comments:

Mariann Simms said...

I saved my cat's testicles in a jar of formaldehyde. They look exactly like garbanzo beans with strings attached.

Candice said...

Poor thing. Thank goodness you didn't have to birth a 10 pound baby through your junk.

That would have really sucked for you.

I would like to have more compassion for you guys where this is concerned, but I don't ;)

mr loser said...

Post Big V snippidy-do-da, my wife handed me a bag of "fresh cut" green beans to ice the package. Like you, I failed to appreciate the irony.

IT said...

Just about like I remember it. The only major difference is that the nurse assisting at first got a little queasy so the Doc had to call in a backup.

Oh, and somebody'd done a background check on me, so they didn't ask me save any of the little rascals for future development.

Cue the music: "...and the world will be a better place."

Grumpy, M.D. said...

So do you still have some swimmers in the freezer? Or did they end up in a salad by mistake?

Mike said...

I guess swelling of the balls is ego boosting as far as the "in the pants appearance".

But out of the pants it's gonna make mr. wiggly seem small.

Perhaps shaving the whole area offset that a little tho.

Jeff said...

Mine didn't go quite so smoothly.

I’m referring to the fact that my doc either didn't give me enough local anesthesia or didn't wait long enough for it to kick in.

That’s right I’m talking about "Hey doc… is it normal that I can feel you cutting into my scrotum with the scalpel? Because, before I pass out, I’d just like to say that this is a little bit uncomfor………………………"

True story. And one I was trying to forget thankyouverymuch.

cfoxes said...

LOL, you made me giggle at giving the thumbs up and the Mickey Mouse voice. My husband had his done as an anniversary present for me. I so love him!

Kathy said...

L.M.A.O.

ReformingGeek said...

That was so descriptive that I'm hurting just like you did even if I don't have a scrotum.

;-)

Ouch.

I'm going for the ice.

Eva Gallant said...

This just gives more credibility to the saying "If men had to give birth, we'd have been extinct long ago!!! lol

Me-Me King said...

OMG! Is it wrong that I'm laughing my ass off?

feefifoto said...

I'm going to guess that you didn't have peas as a side dish on Sunday night.

MikeWJ at Too Many Mornings said...

Wait, you know the length of your, ahem, penis to a tenth of an inch (6.3 to 3.5)? I don't know if that's impressive or sad. I just go with 10. And that's rounding down. ;)

Anyway, my vasectomy was one of the best days of my life. I didn't have to contend with Nurse Angelina (more like Nurse Ratchet), and I got to watch sci-fi movies all night long while my appreciative wife fed me fried chicken and ice cream. Truly a wonderful day!

Beth said...

I MADE my husband go visit his veterinarian (joke) before we got married. Though I probably could've waited as having 4 teenagers is about as good as it gets for promoting the use of birth control.

Funny story!

Joan said...

You are brave to share this!!! And witty.

Mike said...

I didn't have problem with the woody thing (even when blondie nurse leaned on it) because there was a guy with a knife poking around my private area.

screwdestiny said...

Yeah, I'm with Candice. The recovery after childbirth sounds a lot worse than that.

Jenn Thorson said...

And here I thought bags of frozen veg were just for sinus headaches. :)

Moooooog35 said...

My favorite part was the cauterization.

Because nothing says 'awesome' like seeing and smelling ball smoke.

lime said...

oh i can't help but laugh at men and their vasectomy stories after having a c-sec with anesthesia that didn't work.

though i will say when my husband had his and he came home saying it was disconcerting to have the urologist talk to him about the whole procedure about my husband's family while holding the hubs clusters in hand. my husband didn't recognize the doc a s his older bro's former classmate. all he knew was that his dad had scammed a lot of people and he was afraid the urologist had been one of them. yikes! fortunately it was all friendly chatter in the end.

BlackLOG said...

All that fuss and bother, you should have just used the tried and tested method that they use for camels - Two bricks - apparently it does not hurt a bit

Unless you happen to catch your thumbs

So all you have to do is sign this bit of paper, give me $20, to cover the cost of the bricks and in case I catch my thumbs....

Oh you want to know what the camel felt....

Hmmm, apparently no one who has stayed around to ask has survived to let us know

Come back you haven't signed the release paper....I've got the bricks ready and everything

Judge Fudge said...

Doc Cutsack. Ask for him by name.

Suldog said...

Tres magnifique!

I, also, am of The Brotherhood Of No Future Fatherhood. Even though I went through EVERY thing you mentioned - including the bag of frozen peas - I winced. Maybe it's because I went through it all that I winced. In any case, you captured it all perfectly.

I only wish I could have pulled off (excuse the punnage) the Mickey Mouse gag. Would have made my year.

Suldog said...

By the way, in going back and reading the comments, some women really suck.

Well, OK, maybe they don't suck, but they seem to be extremely without compassion. Hey, ladies, save that shit for the real bastards, will you? Knucklehead is one of the good guys. The least you could do is go "Ahhhhhhh, poor baby." Geez. Did he say it was comparable to childbirth? No. So get down off your high horse and cut him a break. It's still very painful.

Candice said...

Suldog- And some people can't grasp the concept of sarcasam/joking. Although I'm fairly certain that knucklehead did.

But in case you're wondering, yes, I do suck. Quite well thank you very much. ;)

Candice said...

P.S. Knucklehead. I'm sorry if you were offended by my lack of compassion. I'm also really sorry you got your scrot cut upon.

Kind of...

;)

LegalMist said...

Dr. Cutsack... hahaha! I'm glad you kept your sense of humor through it all.

Nooter said...

i feel your pain brother

Peter Varvel said...

HORRIFYING!

Reeky said...

Mine was a combo of Jeff's and Moooog35's experiences. Doctor didn't wait long enough for the anesthesia to kick in and it hurt when he made the incision but it REAL hurt when he snipped. He watched my jump to the ceiling and then said to the nurse, "He needs more drugs before doing the second one" DUH.

Then like Moooog35, the cauterization was something I wasn't ready for. Oh sure, after cutting into my balls, why not light them on fire.

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