Monday, January 30, 2012

What Ever Happened To . . . Little Red Riding Hood?

Jessica Hood was a child of the streets.  They were dirt streets, since she lived in the forest, but these mean streets couldn't have been any meaner if they'd been located in the Bedford-Stuyvesant section of New York City.  From the time she was just a baby, Jessica lived on the periphery of the criminal underworld.  Her father Robin was a local outlaw, burglarizing the homes of the upper class citizens in and around Nottingham County.  Robin Hood claimed he was a benevolent crusader for the underprivileged, simply "robbing from the rich to give to the poor," but that didn't fly with his victims or the local sheriff.  Mr. Hood was finally apprehended in 1983, convicted on 129 counts of burglary, and sentenced to death by hanging.  The sentence was carried out publicly in early 1984.

But back to Jessica.  Devastated by her father's death and unable to get along with her mother Marian who upon being widowed became a raging alcoholic and, to be honest, a bit of a whore, Jessica spent a lot of time at her grandmother's house.  Most mornings, Jessica could be seen pedaling her bicycle through the woods toting a basket of goodies, sporting her trademark crimson bonnet and cape.  This snappy outfit earned her the nickname "Little Red Riding Hood."

One morning in April of 1986, while en route to Granny's, Little Red Riding Hood was confronted by Oliver James Wolfe, or as he was known in law enforcement circles, The Big Bad Wolfe.  Through an amazing zoological coincidence, Mr. Wolfe was in fact an actual wolf and as such, he approached the sprightly Miss Hood with bad intentions in his heart.  Seeking at minimum to pilfer the girl's basket of goodies, which contained a dozen snickerdoodles, three cake donuts, a two-liter bottle of Diet Dr. Pepper and a strudel, Wolfe bared his teeth and snarled, "Hey, little girl, what's in the basket?"

To which young Jessica replied, "Ah, just some stuff for my grandmother.  I'm in kind of a hurry, though, so if you'll get out of my way, maybe I'll bring you a few cookies if there are any left over, 'kay?"

Wolfe was somewhat taken aback by Jessica's cool demeanor in the face of his intimidation tactics (not to mention her offer of leftover snickerdoodles), so he mumbled something like, "Um, okay, sure.  I'll be waiting over by the lake if you happen to come by later."  Jessica smiled kindly and pedaled off to Granny's.

A short while later, while sitting by the lake skipping stones, Wolfe was struck with a "what the hell just happened here?" moment.  Regaining his sense of entitlement and overwhelming thirst for the kill, he took off down the road and headed for the cottage of Darla Hood, former co-star of The Little Rascals [1] and Jessica Hood's grandmother.

Wolfe managed to arrive at Granny's before Jessica showed up, locked the old woman in the basement [2], threw on a nightgown and cap, and curled up in the bed.  When Jessica arrived, she entered the bedroom and noticed a certain inconsistency in the eyes, ears, and teeth of what she was slowly beginning to realize was an impostor.  A wolf in senior citizen's clothing, if you will.

Jessica managed to escape and contact the Nottingham County Sheriff who, after dragging his feet a bit when he found out the victim was related to his lifelong nemesis Robin Hood, arrested Wolfe on charges of trespassing and kidnapping.  Oliver James Wolfe was convicted and served two years in county prison. [3]

In 2002, at the age of 23, Jessica Hood opened a bakery called "Hood's Goodies" and for a while, her business thrived. She was known for her business savvy and firm control over her employees. As she told Good Housekeeping magazine in 2003, "Quality control and customer service are essential in the goodie industry.  Customers expect fresh, delicious baked goods served with a smile.  Every one of my employees is expected to maintain a high standard of professionalism and if they don't, well, they won't last long.  Just last year I had to fire the head of my pastry department for continually sticking his thumbs in the pies, if you can believe that.  There's just no room for that kind of behavior at Hood's Goodies."

The employee in question, Mr. Jack Horner, could not be reached for comment.

Despite the popularity and financial success of Hood's Goodies, Jessica became the subject of controversy in 2005. On September 23 of that year, the five-year old Dumpty Quintuplets (Bumpty, Frumpty, Lumpty, Mumpty, and Phil) stopped by the bakery to grab a few cupcakes to snack on before school.  Running low on supplies and behind schedule for a birthday cake order, the stressed-out Jessica cracked the five youngsters over the head, disemboweled them, and used their innards as ingredients in the cake batter. In a frenzy, Jessica beat them and whipped them and marked them with a B, and tossed them in the oven with no remorse whatsoever.

The distraught father of the quintuplets, who chooses to remain anonymous, released a statement through the family's attorney:

"My wife and I are devastated by the murder of our five children. What kind of a world do we live in, if kids can't go into a bakery without being scrambled to death? We're asking the citizens of Nottingham County to join us in the fight to protect children everywhere by making a donation to our foundation Five Good Eggs, which we've established in memory of our wonderful quintuplets."

Jessica "Red Riding" Hood was convicted of assault and bakery, and is currently serving a life sentence in Nottingham County Prison. She's occupying cell number B213 which, on a sentimental note, was daddy's old room.

 [1] Okay, Darla Hood died in 1979 at the age of 47, which kills my timeline, but you must admit you didn't see that one coming. 

[2] Some history books claim that Wolfe actually murdered and consumed Red Riding Hood's grandmother, but that account is pure fiction. As Wolfe would testify during the trial (Nottingham County. v. Wolfe, 1988) "I' ain't never ate a human in my life. Pigs, chickens, the occasional sheep?  Hell yeah, that's the food chain and I ain't gonna apologize for it.  But eat a human?  Man, you gotta be kiddin' me."

[3] A few years after his release, Oliver James Wolfe was back in court facing civil charges of destruction of property (Winchester L. Pigg, v. Oliver James Wolfe, 1992).  He lost, and was ordered to pay three million dollars in damages.  Since then, he's turned over a new leaf and is on the straight and narrow.  No one is afraid of him.

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Krissy said...

Assault and bakery? You are a nut. :)

Eva Gallant said...

Wonderful! I still wish you could put all these in a book and publish them!

The Tom said...

Loved it.

nonamedufus said...

Thanks for that stroll through the neighbour-hood and setting us straight on how this all really happened. You never really know what you'll find when you look under the hood, do you?

Shouldn't that have been "a salt and bakery"?

Anonymous said...

So many nuggets of hilarity!

Jessica Hood = J Ho! Or little Red Riding Ho! heh heh

And I'm sure it was "Phil" not Bumpty, Frumpty, Lumpty or Mumpty that made those cupcakes special.


But what really made me spew was this great line, "What kind of a world do we live in, if kids can't go into a bakery without being scrambled to death?"

Scrambled to death?


This was good Sir. Verra verra good.

Suldog said...

Bless you for including footnote #1. Not only did it break the fourth wall (which is my favorite wall to see broken) but it also verified that I wasn't insane in recalling that Darla was already extinct by then.

So. Cal. Gal said...

I need to stop letting RL interfere with my blog reading. This was awesome!

And I hate "what the hell just happened here?" moments. lol!

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