Tuesday, January 3, 2012

My New Year's Unresolutions

So here we are in the future. It's 2012 which, according to fifty years' worth of science fiction movies, means we should all be piloting flying saucers, zipping around in jet packs, and spending our summers relaxing on the beaches of Mars. Do you realize that we're only three short years away from 2015, which was the "future" in Back to the Future, Part II?

Scary, isn't it?

As we turn the calendar page yet again, most folks cheerfully delude themselves into thinking this year's going to be different and make all sorts of resolutions designed to make them happier, or to make them better people. This year, I'm going to stick to a diet. This year, I'm going to get regular checkups and take care of myself. This year, I'm going to quit smoking. Normally these resolutions last until somewhere around Martin Luther King Day, and then it's back to business as usual.

So this year, I'm going to do something different. Realizing that I'm probably not going to take any drastic steps to improve myself, instead I'm going to make a list of New Year's Unresolutions -- things that I will strive to NOT do in 2012.

We'll start with an easy one. I will not, under any circumstances, hit Betty White in the face with a water balloon. My chances of even running into Ms. White are very slim, since I don't think we frequent the same establishments. I spend very little time in Hollywood, she (apparently) doesn't hang out at Buffalo Wild Wings. And on the off-chance I do bump into her, I most likely won't be carrying a water balloon. I'm pretty confident I'll be able to stick to this unresolution.

In the coming year I will also not shove habanera peppers up my nose and whistle the second movement of Mozart's Symphony #29. Easy enough, because I do not know Mozart's 29th symphony, and I cannot whistle.

During 2012, I will not cheer for the Boston Red Sox. By way of comparison, this is even less likely than my shoving peppers up my nose and whistling Mozart while chucking water balloons at Betty White. Not gonna happen.

I will not sit on Oprah Winfrey's shoulders as she runs the New York City Marathon. I placed a call to her agent, who explained to me that Ms. Winfrey will not be participating in this year's event. Also, I'm working that week.

I will not walk up to Will Ferrell and scream in his face, "YOU ARE AN UNTALENTED, VULGAR BUFFOON AND YOUR MOVIES SUCK!" I will instead send it to him in an e-mail.

Furthermore, I won't mow the lawn of the White House while wearing a rainbow wig and a Speedo. I think our nation's leaders will thank me for this.

I won't write blog posts while under the influence of pretty strong pain medication I received from my doctor. After this one, I mean.

And I will try not to be too disappointed that I do not yet own a flying car. After all, according to Doc Brown, that's not due to happen for a few years yet.


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SherilinR said...

those seems like reasonable unresolutions. this year i will NOT strap on a tail and go to a furry convention.

Anonymous said...

Wait one garsh darn minute. We don't have flying cars yet?


Now, I'm depressed. Thanks Chris.


Frank Lee MeiDere said...

I will not walk up to Will Ferrell and scream in his face, "YOU ARE AN UNTALENTED, VULGAR BUFFOON AND YOUR MOVIES SUCK!"

Well, I'm not so sure about that. Are you saying that if you happened to run across him on the street that you still wouldn't scream, "YOU ARE AN UNTALENTED, VULGAR BUFFOON AND YOUR MOVIES SUCK!"?

'Cause if it happened to me, the urge would be irresistible. (Seriously -- how does that guy keep making movies?)

EmptyNester said...

Oh but this is a grand idea! I must make my list--wait. Maybe number one is that I won't make a list? LOL

And..wait. We don't have flying cars? WTH?!

ReformingGeek said...

Love it.

"I will not mention Oprah in a blog post".

Please write that 100 times on the chalkboard. Yes, I said CHALKBOARD!

Peter Varvel said...

But you do shove habanera peppers up your nose, right?
Please post pictures of you in the rainbow wig and Speedo while mowing your own lawn.
Thank you.

Eva Gallant said...

Where were that speedo and rainbow wig when I was running my Hunk of the Month series?????

Nanodance said...

I admire your unresolve.

Mariann Simms said...

I'm with a couple of you - I'd have to yell something like that in Will Ferrell's face. Seriously...he must be really good on that Hollywood casting couch or have a lot of "compromising position" photos.

I actually metioned Oprah in my newest blog. First time, too. I was hoping I'd get a sympathy job from her. Or money. Just as good...maybe better.

I think I'd rather take my chances on the ground with these Alabama drivers...hate to be up in the air when someone does something stupid again (which happens about once every three seconds).

Suldog said...

But what if rooting for the Red Sox guaranteed that Will Ferrell would never make another movie?

By the way, Mozart actually included specific instructions, in the score for the 29th, that the soprano MUST shove habanero peppers up the nose in order to be able to reach the high F notes. But, of course, you're a baritone, so it wouldn't apply.

Jeff Tompkins said...

Please let me know how the Will Ferrell thing works out. Someone has to tell him.

Fred said...

I resolve to keep getting pissed off when I can't understand the words to songs on commercials. Especially local commercials that don't have captions. It's a weakness I intend to nurse.

So. Cal. Gal said...

Really? I was hoping you'd have someone videotape the Will Ferrell beatdown. I'd watch that.

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