Monday, September 27, 2010

McAlpha and Omega

You know things have gotten out of hand when McDonald's has the nerve to print brochures outlining their menu's "nutrition facts".  Worrying about nutrition while you're stuffing a Double Quarter Pounder down your throat is kind of like analyzing the medical records of a Tijuana hooker.  If it were really that important to you, you wouldn't be there in the first place.

It's not just Mickey D's, though.  It seems like all fast food chains have suddenly realized that, hey, perhaps the food we're serving is somehow contributing to our country's obesity problem.  Maybe we should sprinkle in a few McSalads and BK Fruit Cups to balance out the Triple Whoppers and McLesterol Burgers.

Which is a shame.

When I go to a fast food restaurant, I have no delusions about what I'm doing to my body.  Don't insult my intelligence with a Healthy Choice menu or whatever you're calling it.  If I want a salad, I'll go to the grocery store, buy a bunch of vegetables and some low calorie dressing, then go home and make myself a healthy lunch.  At In-N-Out Burger, though, just give me the damn burger and fries and be done with it.  I won't hold you responsible.

Even Subway has gotten into the act.  For years, Subway has sort of put itself up on this pedestal of "we're better for you than those burger places," proclaiming that their sandwiches are lower in fat and less destructive to the human body than Big Macs or Macho Burritos.  This came as a surprise to no one.  But now Subway is taking steps to make their product even more nutritionally sound.

Let me back up for a minute and tell you that I've always been a big sandwich fan.  I grew up in New Jersey which is basically the sandwich capital of the world.  My dad would regularly stop by Mike's Sub Shop in Dunellen and bring home foot-long subs for the family, and to this day I have never had a sandwich that approached the unparalleled deliciousness of Mike's Italian Special.

Note: Mike's Sub Shop is not an official sponsor of Knucklehead Humor, nor have they paid an advertising fee.  However, if Mike feels compelled to send me a year's supply of Italian Specials, I would not turn down such an offer.

Yes, Luke, we do have Omega 3 bread.
Anyway, I was getting my lunch at Subway yesterday when the sandwich artist (they really call themselves that) asked me if I wanted to try the new Omega 3 bread.

"Omega 3 bread?" I said.  "Sounds like something the waiter would drop off at your table if you were having dinner at the Mos Eisley Cantina."

"Where's that?"

"Never mind.  What's Omega 3 bread?"

"It's a 9-grain wheat bread with Omega 3 nutrients added."

"And Omega 3 nutrients are what, exactly?"  I asked.

"Um . . . well, they're like . . ."

"Forget it, doesn't matter.  I'll give it a try."  I was going to get my foot-long Italian BMT on wheat bread anyway, might as well see what this Omega 3 was all about.

As it turns out, Omega 3 bread is plain old wheat bread fortified with wood chips, lawn clippings, and -- if I'm not mistaken -- sand.  High fiber is one thing, but it tasted like I was eating my front yard.  With onions.  Okay, maybe it was a bit better for me, but it couldn't make THAT much of a difference.  I'm going back to the plain old white bread, pronto.

The moral to this story, if there is one, would be: Don't screw around trying to be something you're not.  Decide what you are, and stick with it.

Hey, it worked for the Big Mac.


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IgotLostHereOnce said...

lol..the funny thing is, I just had that bread for dinner tonight... I liked it, but I only eat wheat bread and I like the 'texture' haha

Candy's daily Dandy said...

The heavenly sammi....

I quit sugar so bread is a huge splurge for me and sandwiches just may be my favorite food.

I concur. Don't fricken mess with my take-out. If I want something healthy, I won't darken a Subway, McDonalds or a Pizza Hut's doorstep.

If I'm eating, I'm eating and I want it all, the good, the bad and the ugly.

ummmm, good.

Eva Gallant said...

The fast food places can't even put out a healthy salad, so they should just stick to what they are good at!

Jenn Flynn-Shon said...

It really is tough to beat sandwiches in the northeast United States. Are they hogies in NJ (grinder, gyro)? In Boston we call them subs and let me tell ya, there's no Omega3 infused gluten here. Just good old fashioned turns-into-the-fat-on-my-ass white bread. Nothing tastes better toasted with ham, cheese, mayo, lettuce and extra pickles than warm and crispy white sugar carbs. Mmmm...

Quirkyloon said...

I think you should've had a warning Knucklehead.

Now I'm craving McLesterols and In and Out Burgers.


I'm doomed!

Suldog said...

"Don't screw around trying to be something you're not. Decide what you are, and stick with it."

Amen. Of course, that you would notice the health info on fast foods is nothing surprising, as you have intelligence. On the other hand, those without intelligence at your level would never notice it. Ipso facto, it is utterly irrelevant. And, as we all know, irrelevant never forgets.

J.J. in L.A. said...

I really should stop drinking liquids when I read your blog. Either that, or put some plastic sheeting over my monitor. : P

I think 'healthy meal at a fast food restaurant' is an oxymoron. Kinda like 'honest politician'.

Speaking of sandwiches, have you tried Togo's? Yum. Me. I always get the parmesan bread...and I'm SURE it's not healthy. I hate Subway with a passion. Ick. E.

Heff said...

"Omega 3 is PEOPLE !!!! IT'S PEOPLE !!!"


Charlton Heston.

screwdestiny said...

I love that fast food joints offer somewhat healthier options nowadays. I'm not always able to eat at home, so when I'm forced to eat out somewhere, it's nice that I don't have to completely kill my diet.

Jeff said...

"High fiber is one thing, but it tasted like I was eating my front yard."

Hilarious line. Great post, Chris.

I pretty much stick with white bread. I know I shouldn't, but I also know I should be watching "Naughty Schoolgirls 19" either. (Which, by the way, lacked the character development of #18.)

IT said...

Where's our government?
It should be protecting us from fast food places trying to give us alternatives and educating us about what they're serving.

MikeWJ at Too Many Mornings said...

Naughty Schoolgirls 19 is out? Damn, you could've have told me sooner, Knuck. I'm bored with DVDs 1 through 18.

By the way, I received my free hamburger coupons from Carl's Jr. a couple of weeks ago, and today is the day I picked to use one of them. I'll think of you and your blog fondly as I eat my lunch. ;-)

P.S. -- Will send questions in the next 48 hours. Been travelling and unable to write until yesterday.

CatLadyLarew said...

Oh, so true... healthy eating and fast food are not synonymous.. nor should they be. If I wanted healthy food, I'd stay home and cook. When I have a craving for fast food, it's not a healthy meal that I'm looking for.

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