McAlpha and Omega

You know things have gotten out of hand when McDonald's has the nerve to print brochures outlining their menu's "nutrition facts".  Worrying about nutrition while you're stuffing a Double Quarter Pounder down your throat is kind of like analyzing the medical records of a Tijuana hooker.  If it were really that important to you, you wouldn't be there in the first place.

It's not just Mickey D's, though.  It seems like all fast food chains have suddenly realized that, hey, perhaps the food we're serving is somehow contributing to our country's obesity problem.  Maybe we should sprinkle in a few McSalads and BK Fruit Cups to balance out the Triple Whoppers and McLesterol Burgers.

Which is a shame.

When I go to a fast food restaurant, I have no delusions about what I'm doing to my body.  Don't insult my intelligence with a Healthy Choice menu or whatever you're calling it.  If I want a salad, I'll go to the grocery store, buy a bunch of vegetables and some low calorie dressing, then go home and make myself a healthy lunch.  At In-N-Out Burger, though, just give me the damn burger and fries and be done with it.  I won't hold you responsible.

Even Subway has gotten into the act.  For years, Subway has sort of put itself up on this pedestal of "we're better for you than those burger places," proclaiming that their sandwiches are lower in fat and less destructive to the human body than Big Macs or Macho Burritos.  This came as a surprise to no one.  But now Subway is taking steps to make their product even more nutritionally sound.

Let me back up for a minute and tell you that I've always been a big sandwich fan.  I grew up in New Jersey which is basically the sandwich capital of the world.  My dad would regularly stop by Mike's Sub Shop in Dunellen and bring home foot-long subs for the family, and to this day I have never had a sandwich that approached the unparalleled deliciousness of Mike's Italian Special.

Note: Mike's Sub Shop is not an official sponsor of Knucklehead Humor, nor have they paid an advertising fee.  However, if Mike feels compelled to send me a year's supply of Italian Specials, I would not turn down such an offer.

Yes, Luke, we do have Omega 3 bread.

Anyway, I was getting my lunch at Subway yesterday when the sandwich artist (they really call themselves that) asked me if I wanted to try the new Omega 3 bread.

"Omega 3 bread?" I said.  "Sounds like something the waiter would drop off at your table if you were having dinner at the Mos Eisley Cantina."

"Where's that?"

"Never mind.  What's Omega 3 bread?"

"It's a 9-grain wheat bread with Omega 3 nutrients added."

"And Omega 3 nutrients are what, exactly?"  I asked.

"Um . . . well, they're like . . ."

"Forget it, doesn't matter.  I'll give it a try."  I was going to get my foot-long Italian BMT on wheat bread anyway, might as well see what this Omega 3 was all about.

As it turns out, Omega 3 bread is plain old wheat bread fortified with wood chips, lawn clippings, and -- if I'm not mistaken -- sand.  High fiber is one thing, but it tasted like I was eating my front yard.  With onions.  Okay, maybe it was a bit better for me, but it couldn't make THAT much of a difference.  I'm going back to the plain old white bread, pronto.

The moral to this story, if there is one, would be: Don't screw around trying to be something you're not.  Decide what you are, and stick with it.

Hey, it worked for the Big Mac.


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