Sunday, September 12, 2010

Cute or Crap?

After the last time I criticized my fiance Theresa, when I got on her case about being overly picky with the bagels and ice and how she always finds "one more thing" for us to do while we're out and about, I promised myself that I'd leave her alone for a while.  This was partly because I don't want to come across as being a mean-spirited jerk, but if we're going to be completely honest, I'm really tired of sleeping on the sofa.  So believe me when I tell you I really didn't plan on picking on her anytime soon.

But then she went and did something that makes it absolutely impossible for me not to share it with you, the outside world.

I need to start by saying that of all the holidays on the calendar, Halloween is the one Theresa looks forward to the most.  She loves Christmas, of course, and every Easter she always fills our pantry with a stunning array of Peeps, but nothing compares to her pathological obsession with Halloween.  Every year, she buys a few more creepy accessories and decorations for the house.  Fake spider webs for the front porch, plastic pumpkins, glow-in-the-dark skeletons, candy bowls with a bony hand sticking up from the bottom -- you name it, we have it.

I'm not complaining, exactly.  Some of the stuff is pretty cool, especially the electronic Frankenstein that talks and removes its own head.  And once we get all the decorations in place, our house could give Disneyland's Haunted Mansion a run for its money.  Trick or treaters are always impressed, and it's kind of fun to see the little ones approach our front door with trepidation, like they're thinking "man, I don't know if a fun-size Snickers bar is worth wetting my Spiderman costume for."

None of that, however, makes up for the ridiculous crap Theresa bought for the house the other night.

We were shopping at Vons Supermarket for a few random groceries when Theresa noticed the Halloween supplies and decorations on display.  I should mention at this point that it was Labor Day.  That's right, almost two complete months until Halloween, and the goodies are already out for purchase.  I don't know ANYONE who shops for Halloween stuff this early.

Okay, I take that back.  I know ONE person.

I'm convinced that Theresa will buy absolutely anything that has a pumpkin or a skull on it.  Take for example this bizarre statue that now graces our living room.


Where do I even begin?  It looks like a cross between Bozo the Clown and the Great Pumpkin.  And what the hell is he holding in his hand?  A weird little parasol?  Candy Corn on a Stick?  I have no friggin' idea.  But hey, it's a PUMPKIN!  So it's ours.

Not even our dog Newton is safe from Theresa's Halloween addiction.  Look what she did to him.


I think Newt should get in touch with PETA, because this is CERTAINLY not an ethical way to treat an animal.  He looks like he could star in an all-canine production of The Pirates of Penzance. 

But I've saved the worst for last.  Of all the things Theresa has "had to have" for Halloween, this next piece of crap is by far the most ridiculous. 


That's right, folks, it's a glittery cupcake with a doll's head popping out the top.  At least, I think it's a doll.  It sort of looks like Jack Skellington from "A Nightmare Before Christmas," but it's more like something you'd find on the Island of Misfit Toys.  It's just spooky, and not in a good way.  And it was SIXTEEN DOLLARS!  You know how many Kit Kats that could buy?

I tried to talk her out of it.  Clearly, this was a factory reject that some conniving retailer slapped a pumpkin and the word "BOO" on to pass off as a Halloween decoration.  "Seriously," I said, "why the hell do we need that for our house?"

"It's unique."

"Granted, but it's ridiculous.  It's a cupcake.  With a head popping out."

"I know, I love it!"

Needless to say, I was unsuccessful in my effort to keep this . . . thing . . . out of our house.  But we still don't see eye to eye on it, not even close.  So Theresa and I have agreed to let you, dear Knucklehead readers, be the judges.  Take a look once again at the Doll in a Cupcake.  What do YOU think? 

Is it cute?  Or is it crap?


d

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27 comments:

Jeanne said...

No way I'm getting in the middle of this battle....

Grumpy, M.D. said...

Crap. As my wife calls it "more shit that needs to be be dusted."

CatLadyLarew said...

I hate to dis a sister, but that thing is truly hideous and not in a good, Halloween kind of way! Total crap! Destroy it now, before its bobble head takes any more of your money!

Ms Lynette said...

For $16, crap! The spring will be sprung soon. That might help it, now that I think about it. For, $2, I would have said, okay, it's cute if she wants it and likes it. Halloween is peeled grapes for eyeballs, cold spaghetti for brains and guts, cotton batting stretched thin for spider webs (and other things), dry crackling leaves with rubber hands hidden just underneath, dry ice in a tub, and homemade scarecrows, witches and ghosts.

Jenn Flynn-Shon said...

I'm not touching your dispute with a 200' pole...

But I will say this much, I personally think glitter is an evil substance sent here by aliens from another solar system as an attempt to cover and smother the Earth until they can take it over for themselves. Because seriously, who has ever seen just one teeny speck of glitter huh? That's right, no one. It gets on your hands and multiplies until it is everywhere! Ahhhh!!!!

Linda said...

Sorry to say, it's crap.

My husband is another Halloween fan and he would not have that in his house, or in his spider web, or hanging with his skeleton bones, or by his giant pumpkins, or his homemade monster men, or, well, you get the picture.

ReformingGeek said...

Sorry, Theresa, but I couldn't even get past FrankenBozo the Pumpkin.

Brndoutw8ress said...

I love Halloween too but this...cupcakey thing is just about the ugliest,stupidist decoration I've ever seen. And $16! No way!!!! Get rid of it...

Theresa said...

Okay, all of you head popping out of a cupcake haters, when I first saw that interesting, unique craft there were about 15 of them on display. When I went back to the store 4 days later they were all gone! There are at least 14 more people out there that have as good as eye for crap as I do.

nonamedufus said...

Theresa, I'm sure you're a wonderful person. After all, you put up with Chris. But that first one looks like Frosty the Pumpkinman. The cupcake? Crap But I like the sounds of the Frankenstein that takes his head off. Where can I get one of those?

Alcot Sirk said...

I get the feeling that where ever Theresa is buying all this stuff, happens to be the same place that they buy all the props for the Hollywood horror movies.

So essentially you need to place the Cupcake monster and Mr. Pumpkin Head on the dresser across from the bed in your guest room. That way your relatives have something interesting to stare at during the wee hours of the morning.

Much like those creepy porcelain marionettes that everyone's grandparents used to keep all over the house. And especially poking out of closets in the guest rooms.

Bethany@ImperfectMom said...

It's the cutest piece of crap I've ever seen. I would totally buy that myself-but not for $16. I wouldn't pay a penny over $7.99, but I do like it.

Quirkyloon said...

I dunno. I can't stop laughing after the first pic of the pumpkin head guy statue with the strange parasol!

LMBO!

LMBO!

screwdestiny said...

Hmm. It is unique... But I probably wouldn't put it in my house. And I definitely wouldn't spend $16 on it. That pumpkin clown though, hellz yes! Haha, I think it's cool that your wife gets so psyched for Halloween.

Jason, as himself said...

To me, pretty much all Halloween decorations are in the same category. They're just for fun. That's all Halloween is, just for fun.

Now the thing I do have a problem is so much of the Christmas crap that there is out there. So very, very much of it is just so darn cheesy, but meant to honor and celebrate the birth of Christ. But oh, so, so, so cheesy.

I don't mind a few little fall decorations here and there, but I wouldn't like overkill.

Pearl said...

Around my house, we go crazy for Halloween and Christmas.

But that Doll Head in a Cupcake?

That, my friend, is crap.

:-)

Pearl

Nick said...

Ummm. Interesting cupcake topping. Think I've seen that head before - can't remember whether it was on Jabba the Hutt, or Rosie O'Donnell.

brookeamanda said...

I am TOTALLY on Theresa's side! I LOVE Halloween and I shop this early for it, too. I think what she bought is really cute and I have similar decorations (although none that look like a cupcake...yet).

J.J. in L.A. said...

I'm not a fan of Halloween or Christmas, but even if I was (sorry Theresa!), crap is crap no matter the holiday. lol!

Kathy said...

OK, now nobody throw their shoes at me, but I think all of these things are cute and adorable! I especially like the cupcake.

Theresa, you just ignore everyone else. They don't know what they're talking about.

{ducks}

IT said...

My onliest issue is that we are even discussing Halloween so early in the year.
It is all the fault of the global economy and chain stores. If we all bought only local this discussion would be moot...


...and we'd probably still live in caves.

Suldog said...

I will not choose sides, even though I have an opinion. I'll just say that one man's crap is another woman's cute. Read that whatever way you wish.

Cagey said...

My grandmother was a good one for not being able to leave 1 square inch of horizontal flat space in the house uncovered with some sort of crap. Once that was done, then we get into layers in depth. My mother, who swears her mother was nuts, is the same way but without the layers, as if that makes it ok. You can't put down your keys without losing them for good, assuming you can even find a place to set them.

I don't know what causes that desire to just fill the place. I'd say it's a female thing, but then I look at my wood shop or computer room and know that I'm not without sin. Still.

Jeff said...

Does the head actually pop up from the top of the cupcake or does it just stay in that position, all wobbly, like a cupcake with a neurological disorder?

Wait. It doesn't matter. It's crap. (Sorry, Theresa.)

The older I get, the more I notice that women are more into Halloween than men. Frankly, I'd rather sit on the couch and watch TV than get up and answer the front door every three minutes to give candy to beggars. I mean, kids.

Yeah, yeah. I was a kid once and I liked to get the free candy. But you know what's different now? I don't care.

Mariann Simms said...

I'd like to be on your side, Theresa...but it is crap. It wasn't even cheap crap. It was expensive crap. Perhaps it's a multi-tasker? You can rip the head off and shove a Valentine's Day heart in it? Rip that out...put a bunny? Rip that out - a little Christmas tree?

Ehhhhh...but, unfortunately at the end of the day...it would still be crap.

Sorry. :(

MikeWJ at Too Many Mornings said...

Theresa and my wife would get along great, and they could decorate one another's houses. I don't mind some of this crap, but I really wouldn't mind not having to look at it all year 'round.

P.S. -- Please don't tell my wife about this comment. I hate sleeping on the couch.

P.P.S. -- Crap. But don't tell Theresa.

Jackie said...

I would love it if you could eat it. I would gobble that freaky little doll head in one gulp, but if it's not edible... what's the point?? Sorry Theresa, no wait I think I'm saying sorry to the wrong person...sorry Knucklehead hope you have a pull out=(

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