Sunday, March 7, 2010

The Kansas City Death Weenie

To most of the Kauffman Stadium crowd, the evening of September 8, 2009 seemed like just another night at the ballpark; families spending time together, the weather pleasant, the hometown Kansas City Royals taking their usual beating.  John Coomer was just like the thousands of other fans in attendance that night, with one notable difference: He was the only one about to get blasted in the face with a hot dog.

The perpetrator of this heinous weenie-assault was a six-foot tall, crown-wearing lion named Sluggerrr, a violent psychopath masquerading as the Royals mascot.  Just after the seventh inning stretch, Sluggerrrr shouldered his high-powered Heckler and Koch Hot Dog Bazooka and launched round after round into the mezzanine.  Children screamed and spectators fled, as bun-shrapnel and condiments rained down upon them.  Discarding his empty weapon, Sluggerrr then armed himself with a sack of foil-wrapped franks and began hurling them at the fans like grenades.  He strutted atop the Royals dugout, seeking out victims, and that's when the fickle foam finger of fate pointed in John Coomer's direction.  Sluggerrr went into his windup and arrogantly flung the weiner behind his back.  The razzle-dazzle caught Coomer off-guard and, unable to defend himself, he took the foot-long Farmer John jumbo frank right in the eye.

Coomer was rushed to the Kansas City Medical Center, where surgeons worked frantically to repair his damaged eye and reheat the hot dog.  Surgeons work long shifts and frequently have to skip meals, so one could hardly blame them for taking a quick snack break.  After undergoing two medical procedures, Coomer was released from the hospital, but he is reportedly suffering from a variety of side effects.

"Mr. Coomer's retina was detached and, as a result, cataracts have formed," says his attorney.  "His vision may never be fully restored.  You ever get relish in your eye?  Stings.  Also, he has vowed never to eat another hot dog as long as he lives.  Nothing takes the joy out of the hot dog-eating experience like having one crash into your eye socket."

The most damning testimony of all has come from Royals season-ticket holder Ray Broome.  "I've been coming to Royals games for years, and this is the most disturbing thing I've seen since the George Brett Hemorrhoid Incident of 1980," said Broome.  "Sluggerrr is a friggin' menace who's been assaulting fans for years.  First it was his T-Shirt Slingshot, now the Hot Dog Bazooka.  There's no doubt in my mind that Sluggerrr drilled that guy on purpose, I saw it with my own eyes.  He just whipped the weenie behind his back, and it nailed Mr. Coomer in the face.  Ketchup splattered everywhere, it was gruesome.  They need to put Sluggerrr away, it's just a matter of time before he kills someone."

Meanwhile, conspiracy theorists have speculated that Sluggerrr may not have been acting alone.  A witness who was sitting in the left field bleachers that night hinted at the existence of a second bunman who was firing hot dogs from the visitors' bullpen.  Known only as "the man in the Reds jacket," this witness claims to have seen a puff of mustard from behind the outfield wall right before Coomer was hit by the hot dog.

Sluggerrr's statements to police have only confused the matter.  "Yeah, I was throwing hot dogs into the crowd, that's my job.  I mean, who doesn't want a free hot dog, right?  I just fling 'em into the crowd,  I don't see where they all end up.  Maybe I threw the dog that hit him, maybe I didn't.  It was a crazy night, man, weiners were flying all over the place."

Kansas City manager Trey Hillman supported the mascot's statement, saying  "Look, if Sluggerrr actually nailed that guy, it must've been an accident.  I've been with the Royals for some time now, and if I've learned anything it's that no one in our organization is capable of throwing strikes.  Hell, if Sluggerrr could intentionally hit something, he wouldn't be the mascot.  I'd put him in the starting lineup."

The criminal investigation continues, however, Coomer's attorney told the media that the civil case his client filed against the Kansas City Royals organization has been resolved to the satisfaction of both parties.  Terms of the settlement are undisclosed but neighbors report a shiny new vehicle in the Coomer driveway.



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19 comments:

Grumpy, M.D. said...

Sluggerrr's pick up line: "Hey, babe, you want to make my weenie fly?"

ReformingGeek said...

"...fickle foam finger of fate.." I love it!

Projectile food? YIKES!

;-)

Leeuna said...

"...a second bunman" hahahah. too funny!

Quirkyloon said...

A hot dog bazooka?

*drooling*

Know where I can get me one of those?

HA! LMBO!

Homemaker Man said...

Nothing worse than getting smashed in the face with a wiener.

Michelle H. said...

What a weinee! Hey, you knew someone was going to say it.

Eva Gallant said...

That was priceless, as usual! You are so creative....the genius that lurks in that warped little mind of yours! lol

Heff said...

I hope the weinnie was successfully re-heated !

CatLadyLarew said...

Death by weenie... sooner or later it's bound to happen.

Me-Me King said...

Now, who doesn't love a good weenie?

Surfie said...

And here I thought the only danger I needed to keep an eye out for was a stray foul ball.

Suldog said...

When I first heard the story of the hot dog in the eye - an actual true story, in case anyone is wondering - I was as flabbergasted as Knucklehead seems to have been. Truth is almost always stranger than fiction.

The Invisible Seductress said...

This post was a much needed PSA. I am surprised this has not happened to me,, weird things happen to me,, and now I am aware of the danger lurking behind the googly eyes.. Thank you!!

Jules said...

Right after I read this out loud to my husband, who laughed all the way through of course, a gear switched in Dr. D, and he immediately went into "Oh, no he di-n't sue Sluggerrr!" mode, giving me mind-numbing detail (which I will spare you) as to how a fast-balled wiener, even one thrown by the great Whitey Ford himself, could never have detached a man's retina.

I cannot wait for the "What Ever Happened To" version of Sluggerrr someday :)

Thanks for the virtual trip to "The K" as they tried calling it here for a while. Maybe this will be our year. No matter what, I will always love #5, hemorrhoids and all.

MikeWJ at Too Many Mornings said...

I also hate it when I get a weenie in my eye.

Linnnn said...

Thanks for the warning! I know now to duck when a weenie is flying toward my eye!

nonamedufus said...

Maybe this year the Royals will be weiners. They've got a few hot dogs playing for them. I really relish the outcome of spring training to see if they've got the mustard this year. They used to really cook.

Ok ok I'll stop.

Buggys said...

I get that mustard in the eye would kind of sting but Coomer needs to 'Man up'.
Can you say Tort Reform?

Pearl said...

A hot-dog launching missile.

:-)

That's all I got.

Pearl

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