Thursday, March 25, 2010

I'm Here For You, Sandra

Disclaimer:  Despite what you're about to read, there is only one love of my life, and that would of course be my wonderful Theresa.  I can't imagine being happier with anyone, and under no circumstances would I ever leave her for another woman, no matter who that woman would hypothetically be.  Even if this imaginary fantasy babe threw herself upon me, I would only scoff and send her on her way with nary a second glance.  That's just not the kind of man I am because, as I said, Theresa is the only one for me.

All right, now that we've got the "survival instinct" mumbo-jumbo out of the way, Sandra Bullock, if you're reading this, I'm here to mend your broken heart.

I've had a slight crush, and by that I of course mean "delusional obsession," on Sandy ever since I first saw the film Demolition Man.  Honestly, what's not to obsess over?  She's gorgeous, but in a real-life human being way, not the plastic-and-airbrushed-Pamela-Anderson way.  She seems like a sweetheart, kind of like Mary Ann and Ginger all rolled up into one breathtaking package.

And guess what, folks.  Looks like I just might be back in the running for Ms. Bullock's affections.

It seems that Sandra has been yet another casualty of a cheating dirtbag husband, the dastardly Jesse James.  You'd think that she would have been prepared for something like this, given Jesse's sordid history of train robbery, bank heists, and the shooting of innocent bystanders.  Remember the episode of the Brady Bunch where Jesse was Bobby's hero?  Well, Bobby learned his lesson after a terrifying nightmare illustrated just the kind of man Jesse James was.  A mean, dirty killer.

No, seriously, the Jesse James in question (Sandra's white trash husband) has apparently been having an affair with something called, and I'm not making this up, Bombshell McGee.  First of all, what the hell kind of name is that?  It sounds like a nickname that a Marine would be saddled with if he blew his hand off with a grenade.  "Hey, look!  Here comes Bombshell McGee!"

Bombshell is (surprise, surprise) a tattoo model and as such, barely qualifies to be a member of the same species as Sandra Bullock let alone a challenger for the poor woman's husband.  But, as a wise man once said, "De gustibus non est disputandum" (Translation: "Don't ask me what he sees in that skanky bitch"), and against all that is logical and decent, Jesse James discarded Sandy for 140 pounds of ink and bacteria.

I have to wonder what was going through Jesse's mind.  I mean, sure, men are by nature idiots and we've been known to make some really shit-brained decisions from time to time.  But screwing around on Sandra Bullock?  Even Charlie Sheen would say, "Damn, that's pretty fucking stupid."  Was Jesse lying in bed one night, all comfy-cozy in their million-dollar mansion, Oscar-winning wife lightly massaging him with cinnamon-scented body lotion when all of a sudden the thought occurred to him, You know, I gotta be able to do better than this?

Well, apparently so.

And to think, in her Golden Globe acceptance speech, Sandra went out of her way to thank this douchebag saying, "I finally know what it's like for someone to have my back."  Yeah, he had it, and then he shoved a knife in it.  Talk about the blind side, where was Michael Oher when you needed him?

I guess it was just a matter of time until Jesse answered the question that was on everyone's mind from the time the two of them got married.  That is, "What the hell does she see in that scuzzball?"

De gustibus non est disputandum, indeed.

So Sandy, darling, I understand that you're going through a rough patch right now.  Getting jilted is never easy, especially in such a public and utterly mind-boggling manner as this.  You've got to be wondering, "How in the world did I lose my husband to a bitch named Bombshell?"  But don't beat yourself up over it.  What you need is a knee-jerk, self-esteem boosting, purely physical rebound fling to get your life back on track.  Reboot the system, so to speak.  All you need is a nice guy willing to let you use him to fulfill your immediate needs, and then disappear without another word.

I'll bring the cinnamon-scented body lotion.


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screwdestiny said...

I love the smell of cinnamon on a man. You know, lately it doesn't seem to matter how gorgeous (or successful) these women are. Some men just seem to want to cheat.

Homemaker Man said...

You are a true patriot. I think Sandy's recent successes are what triggered the cheating. His ego couldn't handle it.

Moooooog35 said...

I've already offered her a spot on my pull-out sofa.

So far, the only response I got was in regards to that stupid restraining order.

ReformingGeek said...

I think you will be standing in a long line, Dude!

Maybe this is his way of getting his "fifteen minutes of fame"!


The Good Cook said...

Ug.. I don't get it either. Cheating on Sandra Bullock?? With a Tramp Stamped Pig? This guy should be publicly flogged if only for being so stupid.

I have invited Sandra to a girl's weekend where me and my compadres will instruct her on the proper choice of a future mate.

Eva Gallant said...

Adding insult to injury, Bombshell does indeed seem extremely skanky!

Heff said...

Sandra is a GREAT girl, don't get me wrong, but sometimes you just need to get FREAKY. He shouldn't have gone that route AFTER marriage, though.

Jesse's a piece of shit.

Funny Girl said...

Yep! It's a major eff up when all of the female population and most of the male population think Jesse Dirtbag James is an effing idiot, and are unable to see what it was he wanted from Bombshell. She is so skanky I am suprised his dick didn't turn to stone and fall off after he..... Can just call her what she is, Medusa Pussy? Damn, I'm harsh!

rothase said...

I feel so bad for Sandra! Cheating is bad enough, but in a huge public way? With a skank? At the time of her greatest professional success? If someone can cheat on a woman as lovely and kind (she has really been there for Jesse's daughter in the custody fight between Jesse and his ex-wife the porn star) as Sandra, where's the hope for the rest of us?
We should all take Sandra to the Melting Pot for a bottle of good wine and a big bucket of chocolate fondue! Chocolate always makes me feel better.

Me-Me King said...

Jesse has some nerve! If I had one one of his bikes, I'd burn it.

Suldog said...

I know I use that phrase a lot (De Gustibus, etc.) but I hope I'm not your idea of a wise man. If so, you've got less intelligence than I gave you credit for.

In any case, I think the problem is obvious. Look at Jesse. Look at Bombshell. Between them, they have enough ink to supply a printing of the Sunday Times. So, my hypothesis is that Sandra likes ink almost as much as he does. Therefore, in order for you to be able to comfort her, you should go out and get five or six tattoos, right now. When you do, would you please post the photos?

(I'm expecting that you will, since you think I'm a wise man. You'll believe anything.)

(By the way, yours is the last thing I'm reading before I go and have teeth pulled. That doesn't say a whole lot for my intelligence, either. However, you've given me something nice to think about during the procedure - Sandra, that is - so I thank you.)

Jeff said...

"Even if this imaginary fantasy babe threw herself upon me, I would only scoff and send her on her way with nary a second glance."

If I could trouble you to make at least one glance, that being the glance that sends Sandra my way, I'd appreciate it.


Leeuna said...

Wow, what a swine. And a stupid one at that. What's the deal with all this infidelity anyway? I will never understand it. It must be 'the-grass-is-always-greener' syndrome.

MikeWJ at Too Many Mornings said...

Honey, this is Theresa, and I totally agree with you that there is no disputing taste. So let's talk about that and Sandra and lots of other important things tonight, OK? It might be a looooooong conversation, too, so you won't be watching the Final Four and you may have to sleep on the couch, too.

Jules said...

Yet another use for an Oscar... swing hard at cheating husband's wandering nuts!

Jenn Thorson said...

Bombshell McGee??!!... Sheesh, didn't he fight with Duke and the other G.I. Joes? Or did he work for Kobra?

Poor Sandra.

CatLadyLarew said...

I'd throw a tire iron through Jesse's spokes if I were Sandra. She totally could find someone better!

Mrsblogalot said...

dirty rotten you got me. You really got me.

Her loss. She does not know what she's missing out on here!

Mr London Street said...

If you have to call yourself Bombshell, it's a racing certainty that you aren't one.

Jenn said...

I think I figured it out. Bombshell doesn't wear her heart on her sleeve like Sandy so obviously did with that acceptance speech. She wears it smack dab between the ta-tas for the world to see. Then again, Jessie may have fallen in love at first sight of her facial bling.

They will both be staring in a Lifetime movie of the week any day now after they adopt 40 underpriveledged children and walk a red carpet together, but Sandra will still end up being the more successful, cooler one in the end.

Oh wait, maybe that was another love triangle???

Teacher's Pet said...

I came over from Eddie's blog.
Congratulations on the Roast. Your humor and writing skills are great...and I'm so happy that Eddie introduced me to you.
Warmest smiles to you from Jackie

Mary@Holy Mackerel said...

I am ashamed to admit that I had a little bit of a crush on Mr. Bullock.

Now I just think he's an asshole with a capital "A". What the hellllll??!??! I am beyond discombobulated and kerfuddled by his behaviour.

My theory is that Sandra wanted to have a kid, and Jesse said no way, no how, I'm too cool for skewl, and so he went ahead and showed her what he's made of, just in case she thought otherwise.

Did any of that make any sense?

Didn't think so...need another coffee....... said...

head nodding...true..true.

notactuallygod said...

This came up as one of your random offerings at the bottom, but with a good pic of Sandy and intriguing title I gave it a whirl, and was not disappointed. "140 pounds of ink and bacteria" -perfect man, just perfect.

If you ever see me paraphrase it please take it as an homage (and not a reason to litigate)

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