Monday, January 4, 2010
In 1977, at the peak of The Muppet Show's popularity, Piggy married the show's host, a dapper young amphibian named Kermit the Frog. To the public, this seemed like a match made in Hollywood heaven. Two rising celebrities whose personalities complemented each other perfectly. Piggy was outgoing and impulsive, Kermit was laid-back and rational. Piggy thrived in the limelight and actively courted the media, Kermit preferred to limit his public persona to what viewers saw on television. Opposites, as they say, attract.
Right up until the time that they don't.
According to Rolf, one of the couple's closest friends, Piggy became increasingly unhappy in the marriage. "One day, after we'd finished filming the show," Rolf says, "Miss Piggy just started unloading on me about how disappointed she was with Kermit. She went on and on, complaining about their sex life. She'd always known that Kermit was somewhat reserved, but she hoped she'd be able to loosen him up a little bit in the sack. One night, Piggy suggested that Kermit try something new, something that would really turn her on. Turns out, though, that Kermit is Jewish."
Miss Piggy's frustration took a violent turn in September of 1978. According to the police report, Piggy and Kermit were having dinner at Elaine's in New York City and Kermit caught Piggy flirting with their waiter. The couple began arguing back and forth until, finally, Miss Piggy lost her temper and decked her husband with a series of karate chops to the head. Kermit told the officers that this was a relatively common occurrence in their relationship. Kermit refused to press charges, however, with the condition that Miss Piggy enroll in an anger management class. She was happy to be getting a second chance, and the couple continued to work on their relationship. For a while, things seemed to be getting better.
But then, all hell broke loose.
In 1979, while in Los Angeles shooting their first feature film The Muppet Movie, Kermit wanted to surprise his wife with flowers and jewelry. He showed up unexpectedly at her trailer and knocked on the door. Getting no answer, he tried again. After three attempts, he opened the door and walked in, only to find his wife getting enthusiastically gang-porked by all five members of Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem. Even the chick.
Without a word, Kermit stormed out of the trailer, walked off the set, and spent the next two weeks holed up in the Beverly Hilton hotel eating chocolate-covered flies and drinking cheap whiskey. The Muppet Movie was put on hold until Kermit's friend and advisor Scooter was able to help him regroup and return to work. Once the shooting wrapped, Kermit filed for divorce, which was finalized in late 1980.
Although the Muppets continue to make movies and television specials, the relationship between Miss Piggy and her ex-husband remains chilly.
"Oh, they won't even talk to each other," says Fozzie Bear, a Muppet co-star. "Even when they're shooting a scene together, they'll communicate through others. 'Tell that fat pile of raw pork that she's over-acting,' things like that. It's pretty awkward for the rest of us, but since they're the stars we just have to put up with it."
When asked about his personal feelings toward the couple, Fozzie says, "Kermit has always been one of my best friends. He was there for me when I was a struggling stand-up comic, and he gave me my first real break with The Muppet Show. Nicest guy you'd ever want to meet. I tried to tell him that Piggy was nothing but trouble, but he didn't listen. He was way too good for that whack-job, didn't deserve the hell that she put him through. As for Piggy, you can stick an apple in her mouth and call her a luau for all I care. Wocka, wocka, wocka!"
"Miss Piggy is unlike anyone I've ever met in my life," Sullivan says. "Based on what I knew from reading about her in the papers, I assumed she was going to be a raving bitch, a prima donna, and someone who was a total pain in the ass to work with. Well, she's all of those things and more. For example, she's also a violent psychopath. Every time I suggested putting something in the book that reflected negatively on her, she'd shriek 'HIIIII-YA!" and karate chop me. After a couple times, I just said 'fuck it'. As a result, the finished book is a steaming pile of pig shit with a thick sugar-coating."
Asked why he continued to work with such a demanding and difficult co-author, Sullivan explained, "The sex was outstanding. Ever heard of a snout-job? Trust me, it's a pretty effective motivator."
Miss Piggy continues to find sporadic work in television, including a role on the upcoming season of The Surreal Life. She lives in Hollywood with her fiance Dr. Bunsen Honeydew.
Kermit the Frog remains single, and lives in Manhattan. He still appears on TV from time to time, and is always open to new Muppets projects. As he said in a recent TV interview, "The Muppets are my life. I've developed lifelong friendships with Fozzie, Scooter, and the rest of the gang. My closest friend in the world was Jim Henson, rest his soul, a guy who I could always count on to give me a hand when I needed it. Everything I have is because of Jim, and I'll continue to work hard to preserve his legacy."
When asked about his ex-wife, Kermit simply replied, "I see her as little as I have to. Other than that, I have no comment."
 They don't eat pork. Get it?
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