Monday, January 4, 2010

What Ever Happened To . . . Miss Piggy?

By the late 1970's, the name Miss Piggy was synonymous with show business. She co-starred on The Muppet Show, a showcase for Piggy's many talents. She performed operatic masterpieces, displayed her acting skills in a variety of comedy sketches, and even dabbled in ballet. Miss Piggy was the quintessential diva -- a swine of a thousand faces.

In 1977, at the peak of The Muppet Show's popularity, Piggy married the show's host, a dapper young amphibian named Kermit the Frog.  To the public, this seemed like a match made in Hollywood heaven.  Two rising celebrities whose personalities complemented each other perfectly.  Piggy was outgoing and impulsive, Kermit was laid-back and rational.   Piggy thrived in the limelight and actively courted the media, Kermit preferred to limit his public persona to what viewers saw on television.  Opposites, as they say, attract.

Right up until the time that they don't.

According to Rolf, one of the couple's closest friends, Piggy became increasingly unhappy in the marriage.  "One day, after we'd finished filming the show," Rolf says, "Miss Piggy just started unloading on me about how disappointed she was with Kermit.  She went on and on, complaining about their sex life.  She'd always known that Kermit was somewhat reserved, but she hoped she'd be able to loosen him up a little bit in the sack.  One night, Piggy suggested that Kermit try something new, something that would really turn her on.  Turns out, though, that Kermit is Jewish."[1]

Miss Piggy's frustration took a violent turn in September of 1978.  According to the police report, Piggy and Kermit were having dinner at Elaine's in New York City and Kermit caught Piggy flirting with their waiter.  The couple began arguing back and forth until, finally, Miss Piggy lost her temper and decked her husband with a series of karate chops to the head.  Kermit told the officers that this was a relatively common occurrence in their relationship.  Kermit refused to press charges, however, with the condition that Miss Piggy enroll in an anger management class.  She was happy to be getting a second chance, and the couple continued to work on their relationship.  For a while, things seemed to be getting better.

But then, all hell broke loose.

In 1979, while in Los Angeles shooting their first feature film The Muppet Movie, Kermit wanted to surprise his wife with flowers and jewelry.  He showed up unexpectedly at her trailer and knocked on the door.  Getting no answer, he tried again.  After three attempts, he opened the door and walked in, only to find his wife getting enthusiastically gang-porked by all five members of Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem.  Even the chick.

Without a word, Kermit stormed out of the trailer, walked off the set, and spent the next two weeks holed up in the Beverly Hilton hotel eating chocolate-covered flies and drinking cheap whiskey.  The Muppet Movie was put on hold until Kermit's friend and advisor Scooter was able to help him regroup and return to work.  Once the shooting wrapped, Kermit filed for divorce, which was finalized in late 1980.

Although the Muppets continue to make movies and television specials, the relationship between Miss Piggy and her ex-husband remains chilly.

"Oh, they won't even talk to each other," says Fozzie Bear, a Muppet co-star.  "Even when they're shooting a scene together, they'll communicate through others.  'Tell that fat pile of raw pork that she's over-acting,' things like that.  It's pretty awkward for the rest of us, but since they're the stars we just have to put up with it."

When asked about his personal feelings toward the couple, Fozzie says, "Kermit has always been one of my best friends.  He was there for me when I was a struggling stand-up comic, and he gave me my first real break with The Muppet Show. Nicest guy you'd ever want to meet.  I tried to tell him that Piggy was nothing but trouble, but he didn't listen.  He was way too good for that whack-job, didn't deserve the hell that she put him through.  As for Piggy, you can stick an apple in her mouth and call her a luau for all I care.  Wocka, wocka, wocka!"

In 2009, Miss Piggy published her autobiography This Little Piggy Had None, detailing the actress's piglethood, show biz career, and her tumultuous relationship with Kermit the Frog.  While working on this project Piggy's co-author, Jim Sullivan, got an up-close-and-personal perspective on what the diva was truly like.

"Miss Piggy is unlike anyone I've ever met in my life," Sullivan says.  "Based on what I knew from reading about her in the papers, I assumed she was going to be a raving bitch, a prima donna, and someone who was a total pain in the ass to work with.  Well, she's all of those things and more.  For example, she's also a violent psychopath.  Every time I suggested putting something in the book that reflected negatively on her, she'd shriek 'HIIIII-YA!" and karate chop me.  After a couple times, I just said 'fuck it'.  As a result, the finished book is a steaming pile of pig shit with a thick sugar-coating."

Asked why he continued to work with such a demanding and difficult co-author, Sullivan explained, "The sex was outstanding.  Ever heard of a snout-job?  Trust me, it's a pretty effective motivator."

 Miss Piggy continues to find sporadic work in television, including a role on the upcoming season of The Surreal Life.  She lives in Hollywood with her fiance Dr. Bunsen Honeydew.

Kermit the Frog remains single, and lives in Manhattan.   He still appears on TV from time to time, and is always open to new Muppets projects.  As he said in a recent TV interview, "The Muppets are my life.  I've developed lifelong friendships with Fozzie, Scooter, and the rest of the gang.  My closest friend in the world was Jim Henson, rest his soul, a guy who I could always count on to give me a hand when I needed it.  Everything I have is because of Jim, and I'll continue to work hard to preserve his legacy."

When asked about his ex-wife, Kermit simply replied, "I see her as little as I have to.  Other than that, I have no comment."


[1] They don't eat pork.  Get it?

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30 comments:

Nooter said...

poor kermie, its not easy being green

Suldog said...

I think I've said enough already.

Waltsense.com said...

this story rocked! this was better then the E series of Behind the Scenese. It also bought back memories of hooking up with larger girls in college and calling them Miss Piggy as they resembled her and I was a skinny green punk. Still feel bad about saying that about nice girls. Piggy on the other hand, is not a nice girl!

Malisa said...

Well, you know how those pigs in a blanket are...always wanting a bigger wiener! What a shame!

Your post is friggin' brilliant!

Ivan Toblog said...

Oh! That Jim Sullivan.
Har!!!

Candice said...

snout job..

SNORT!!

brookeamanda said...

What's green and smells like pork? Kermit's fingers. Outside of junior high, I never thought I'd have a chance to tell that joke again!

Jenn Thorson said...

This explains why I just saw Piggy hitting on some non-Muppet dude in a Disney commercial. She's free-range pork again.

Eva Gallant said...

I hope Kermit is really over her, because I've been seeing her in the Disney commercial too. And you know what they say, Once you go black, you'll never go back to green.

Hilarious post!

Surfie said...

"gang-pork" Hahahahaha!

Hipstercrite said...

this is brilliant! love it love it love it! love the chocolate covered flies and the gang porked by dr. teeth and the electric mayhem. even the chick. little piggy had none....haha, so clever!

nonamedufus said...

It's heartwarming to hear how appreciative Kermit was of Jim Henson giving him a hand.

otin said...

Jewish people don't eat pork!!!! HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!! That was the best!

Brian Miller said...

lol. oh my...

Beth said...

I did get it! "Jewish people don't eat pork" - I had to read that to my husband and he laughed!

This was a GREAT one!

Mariann Simms said...

Poor Kermie...shoulda "sowed" his wild oats with some other pig. ;)

Her Majesty Lisa (LadyWanderlust) said...

I am pretty sure I heard something about her...she ballooned up, was all strung up, ending up in someone's pulled pork sandwich. It was a real mess!

LOL, Lisa

ReformingGeek said...

Oh, poor Kermit.

It sounds like that Piggy went to market a few too many times but maybe she finally came home with the beef.

Janna said...

LOL! Chocolate covered flies!
And I love the book title!
How funny. :)

And all this time I thought Dr. Bunsen Honeydew had more common sense...

Grumpy, M.D. said...

"Since Jim Henson's death, Kermit hasn't had much to say".

Moooooog35 said...

Great.

Now I want bacon.

No different than usual, really.

Hater Von G said...

Kermit is Jewish?


HAHA @ Fat pile of raw pork.

Dave "Loose Cannon" Wills said...

I feel sorry for Kermit. He should have gone hopping around to find some other other white meat. I cracked up with the reference to him being Jewish. Lol! Hilarious!!

Ms. Piggy liked getting her pork stuffed too much for Kermit to handle.

I was waiting for the next installment. And here it is, masterfully written as always! Great job!

Michelle H. said...

Never did like Miss Piggy, and this proves why. The interview with Mr. Sullivan - priceless. I wonder if there's any scandalous adult tapes. He better watch out. If Miss Piggy hears about what he said, she might let the incriminating evidence leak.

A Jewish frog? I would have never known...

Quincy said...

All I can say is, Wow!

Never knew Miss Piggy was out there like that...although I'm not too surprised.

Jenn said...

I knew she seemed a little too flirty in those Disney commercials with Taye Diggs to still be married.

a guy who I could always count on to give me a hand when I needed it

Best line ever.

♥Georgie♥ said...

LOL...this was so wrong it was right! loved it!

VE said...

Another sad Hollywood tale. I hear Oscar the Grouch is going to write a tell-all later this year...

Jules said...

Didn't she shamelessly try to give the late John Denver a snout job on the Christmas special? Man, I can't believe my mom let me watch that smut.

Cassie said...

I always thought she probably just used as a giant green dildo anyway. Glad to know the "rest of the story"

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