Thursday, January 7, 2010

Brotherly Pranks, Part One: The Sandwich


It was a Saturday afternoon, the year was 1977.  My brother Eric and I were in the kitchen whipping up a couple of baloney and cheese sandwiches for our lunch.  Mom was at work, and Dad was in the cellar working on something.  Our youngest brother Bobby was lying on the couch, recovering from the common cold.

"Dad!  Can I have lunch?" Bobby yelled.  It was a small house.  Voices carried, even down to the cellar.

Dad called up, "Are you guys in the kitchen?"

"Yeah!" I hollered back.

"Make Bobby a sandwich, would ya?"

There's no way to sugar-coat this.  At the age of seven, our brother Bobby was a little shit.  Being the youngest, he took a lot of crap from me and Eric, but he dished it out pretty well too.  And now, with the support of our father, he had us doing his bidding.  He was more than eager to take advantage of the situation.

"You heard him,  slave boys.  Make my lunch."

Eric and I looked at each other.  "I'm not making it, not if he's gonna be a jerk," said Eric.

"Don't look at me, I'm not making that little twerp a sandwich."

"And hurry up about it!"  Bobby ordered.

Eric slammed his green army hat to the floor, and stomped over to the top of the cellar stairs.  "Dad, Bobby's being a jerk!  Do we really have to make his lunch?"

"Just do it, please!" Dad replied.

"Yeah, slave boys," said Bobby.  "Just DO it!"

Eric came back to the kitchen.  "This sucks."

By this point, though, a thought had occurred to me.  Dad didn't exactly say what KIND of sandwich to make for our smart-ass little brother.  "So, Eric," I said.  "Just what kind of sandwich do you think Bobby would like?"

"I don't care, baloney?"

"Okay, anything else you want to add?"

Eric's eyes narrowed, and a smirk crawled across his face.  "Uh, yeah, I think he might like some peanut butter on it, too."

I spread a thin layer of Skippy on the one slice of bread.  "What next?"

"Oh, I don't know," said Eric.  "Maybe some mustard?"

Out came the Heinz Spicy Brown.  We took a quick inventory of the refrigerator.  Catsup.  Horseradish.  American cheese.  Grape jelly.  Hey, with a name like Smucker's . . .

By the time we finished, Bobby's sandwich was loaded up pretty good.  We went extra heavy on the horseradish around the edges of the bread, so that first (and probably only) bite was going to be a doozy.  Then we used lettuce leaves and a couple extra slices of baloney to make the sandwich look "normal".  We put it on a paper plate, garnished it with some Lay's potato chips, and delivered it to our sickly brother.

"About time, slave boys.  Now get me a Dr. Pepper."

"Anything you say, your majesty," I answered, stifling a chuckle.

Eric and I went back into the kitchen and waited.

"AAAAGH!  What is this?!?  This is DISGUSTING!"  Ah, the joys of horseradish.  "DAAAAAAD!"

Our father thundered up the cellar steps.  "What's going on?" he asked.

"They made me a gross sandwich!"

We were still giggling when Dad confronted us in the kitchen.  "What did you guys put on his sandwich?"

"Actually, Dad," said Eric, "it would be easier to tell you what we DIDN'T put on his sandwich.  Milk."

We knew we were in the clear when Dad cracked a smile.  "Okay, okay, maybe he asked for it.  Can you guys make him a baloney-and-cheese-and-nothing-else sandwich now?"

"No bread?" I asked.

"Uh, yeah, bread too."

So we did.  You've never seen a kid eat a baloney and cheese sandwich more carefully.


o

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32 comments:

Jenn Thorson said...

Your little brother Bobby sounds like one of my cousins. I feel like I got well-needed revenge on him, just for reading your story.... THANKS!

"Milk." HAAA.

Expat From Hell said...

At least you stayed away from the medicine cabinet when you were working out the menu. I was looking for the honorable mention of Ex-Lax lacing....EFH

Surfie said...

Well done, my friend! Boy, this reminds me of some of the stuff my brothers used to do to each other. I think I'll have to try to put together a few posts about those stories. Ah, the good ole days!

Dual Mom said...

I thought my freakish son was the only person in the world to eat bologna and cheese...

Grumpy, M.D. said...

I once made my medical school roommate a peanut butter & guacamole sandwich to pay him back for something.

Viv said...

That sounds just like my boys. My daughter seems to be above it, so she is the one I really watch.

Beth said...

So, how much therapy did your little brother have to have? :) You should have made him sing that Oscar Myer song that was in the commercial in the 70s.

ReformingGeek said...

He got what he deserved.

brookeamanda said...

That's just the kind of thing I would have done to my brother...or him to me.

Eva Gallant said...

I love it! I raised two sons and a stepson that today are 36, 37. and 38, and that sounds just like something they would have done!

Anonymous said...

Great story! FYI a typo of "hard" missing. Eric slammed his green army had to the floor

Me-Me King said...

I have a younger sister, she was a little shit too. Why is it the "baby" gets away with everything? I hated being the oldest, still do.

screwdestiny said...

Hahaha! Usually pranks bug me, but he was asking for it!

Noelle said...

this is hilarious! i don't know if you've ever watched "malcolm in the middle" but i love that show and your story reminds me of something that would happen in that family! thanks for sharing!

LegalMist said...

In the words of Homer Simpson: Mmmmm... peanut butter and horseradish sandwich... mmmm...

Great story!

Junk Drawer Kathy said...

What you should have done was make a normal sandwich he was expecting and put very thin undetectable shavings of Ex-Lax in it. And then wait.

Horseradish kills me. I ordered a turkey wrap in a restaurant once. Thought I was getting mayo. My head exploded all over the table. We tipped extra.

Moooooog35 said...

Yet another reason why I'm glad I'm an only child.

The other reason has stuff to do with 'self exploration' but that's a whole other comment.

Uncle Skip, said...

It is called brotherly love and it explains what is wrong with Philadelphia.

VE said...

That's good preparation for what you can do to your boss years later...

jdemott said...

Great post. It's a simple slice-of-life tale, but honest, believable and funny.

Enjoyed it!

Nomad said...

I love horseradish...

Chris C said...

hehe great story! Made me almost wish I wasn't an only child...until I thought I might have ended up being the Bobby of my family.

Funny Girl said...

Nice!

Amanda said...

Oh thank goodness it was only horseradish.

I totally thought you were going to put poop in it...

Eternally Distracted said...

I still have nightmares about the antics my brother and I used to get up to...he was horrible to me! I moved 8000 miles away, it's much easier ;0)

otin said...

I put a piece of cardboard in a coworkers burger when I worked at a restaurant. He sat down to lunch and ate. Afterwards, I was like "Haha, did you like the cardboard?"

He said, "What cardboard?" lol

Quirkyloon said...

Aw come on. Your bro couldn't have been that bad. He wanted a Dr. Pepper.

I like him.

nonamedufus said...

What's wrong with that sandwich? It sounds delicious!

tattytiara said...

Being the youngest I was the recipient of the spoonful of "yummy!" Tabasco sauce, but never got to share the experience in turn.

lime said...

oh man, i must be as evil as you because before the plot was even revealed i was thinking of some awful concoction.

Suldog said...

Ah, once again I am made aware of how blessed I was to be an only child :-)

Judge Fudge said...

He deserved it! The best part was that your dad was cool about it. He must he must have had a younger brother too.

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