Tuesday, July 12, 2011

What Ever Happened To . . . Pebbles Flintstone?

The only daughter of Fred and Wilma Flintstone, Pebbles lived as normal a childhood as possible, when you consider that her dog was a barking dinosaur, their kitchen sink was a woolly mammoth, and the family car was powered by her father's oversized feet.  By all accounts, Pebbles had a bubbly personality, cheerful disposition, and was a joy to be around.

During her junior year at Bedrock High School, however, her demeanor began to change. Pebbles had developed into an attractive teenager (according to a male classmate named Shale McQuarry, she was "a stone cold knockout"), but she was uncomfortable with that sort of attention which caused her to become withdrawn, and her self-image deteriorated rapidly.

"We didn't notice it right away," admits Wilma. "But Pebbles became sullen and moody. She was involved with the boy next door, and he was always polite to Fred and me, but we just weren't sure about the nature of their relationship. They'd go into Pebbles' room, and for hours we'd hear nothing but 'Bamm! Bamm! Bamm bamm bamm! Looking back, maybe we should've talked to her about it."

Pebbles dropped out of high school halfway through 12th grade and took a job as a waitress at the local Hootstones. The attention of older men gave her the self-esteem she'd never gotten from her relationship with, as Fred called him, "that Rubble kid." Pebbles was growing up quickly.

Too quickly, as it turned out.

"Working at Hootstones showed me that I could be my own woman," said Pebbles in an interview for Rocksmopolitan Magazine. "My high school relationship was purely physical, and Bamm Bamm didn't respect me one bit. I wasn't meant to be the plaything of some hormonal Neanderthal. I'm better than that."

When her Hootstones income proved insufficient to support her increasingly materialistic and self-centered lifestyle, Pebbles took to stripping. Headlining at the Spearmint Stegosaurus, she averaged several hundred bones a week, just in tips. At the age of 20, Pebbles was invited by none other than Hugh Hefrock to spend a few weeks at the Caveboy Mansion. She quickly became Hef's favorite, and was featured as the Cavemate of the Month in the magazine's July issue.

Predictably, Pebbles soon outlived her usefulness to Hef and, running low on viable options, she returned to Bedrock to try to reconcile with her estranged parents. When her bus pulled into Granite Central Station, however, she was greeted by none other than her ex-boyfriend Bamm Bamm Rubble, who'd armed himself with two dozen roses and a Whitrock's Sampler. They walked to a nearby coffee shop, and reminisced about days gone by.

Pebbles decided to give him another chance.

When your main squeeze has a nightclub bouncer name like "Bamm Bamm", there's no point crying "foul" when he clubs you upside the head for overcooking the brontosaurus burgers. On a muggy August night, Rubble knocked Pebbles unconscious with repeated bamms to the head. Thinking he'd punched her ticket to the big quarry in the sky, Bamm Bamm rushed her to nearby Bedrock General Hospital where she was immediately taken in for surgery.

Distraught at what he'd done, Bamm Bamm drove to the home of his parents, Barney and Betty. When he told them the story, the three Rubbles went next door to break the news to the Flintstones.

This was a poor decision.

Upon hearing that his Pebbly-Poo had been reduced to a comatose red-headed fossil, Fred went absolutely sabertoothed-tigershit. He stormed into his bedroom, got his Slate and Wesson 357 Night Guard, and dropped Bamm Bamm with a bullet to the head.

Fred Flintstone was arrested and convicted for the murder of Bamm Bamm Rubble. He is currently serving a life sentence in Gravelworth Penitentiary.

Although Pebbles survived the savage beating, she was never quite the same. She has frequent dizzy spells, occasional memory loss, and a few really unattractive scars. An attempted civil suit against the Rubbles was short-circuited when Barney Rubble pointed out (reasonably), "Hey, our kid is dead. Yours is just a bit wonky. Whaddaya say we call it a wash?"

Putting the past behind them, Barney and Betty Rubble moved to Fort Lauderstone, and are currently retired.

Pebbles lives at home with Wilma and Dino the Dinosaur.

And Bamm Bamm is still dead.


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Eva Gallant said...

Priceless!! You haven't done one of these in a long time! I love them!

Eva Gallant said...

Priceless!! You haven't done one of these in a long time! I love them!

otin said...

I read this in the reader. You are so effin' clever with the word gags!

Little Ms Blogger said...

OMG - this cracked me up! I'd loved the quote from Barney "Hey, our kid is dead. Yours is just a bit wonky."

Danger Boy said...

I got a good chuckle with this one while drinking my coffee and eating my pterodactyl steak. Good stuff.

Kev D. said...

At least she didn't just get spit out the bottom of the porn industry.

Fantastic post.

Fred Miller said...

The "Mature" porn category has opened a niche for Pebbles. She and Wilma and Betty have a bright future.

Suldog said...

"The Spearmint Stegosaurus"? Brilliant! I can just picture all of the animal-skin-clad doofuses whooping it up while getting lapis lazuli dances.

Steve Bailey said...

haha! Velma from Scooby Doo had a similar fate.... nice post sicko!

So. Cal. Gal said...

Cavemate of the Month. Pure genius!

I love your 'Whatever happened to...' stories!

notactuallygod said...

Excellent wordplay from beginning to end and a fun read until the violence. The 'wonky' brought it back into the light for me. Nice work.

Bella said...

great story, thanks for the laugh. Things change everywhere, even in Bedrock...

Peter Varvel said...

"she averaged several hundred bones a week" - BWA HA HA HA HA!
What a "Yabba-dabba-doozy!"

Blogger said...

I have just installed iStripper, so I can watch the sexiest virtual strippers on my taskbar.

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