Doody Duty

If you're a dog owner like I am, you've probably devised an efficient and reasonably sanitary system for removing your pet's butt biscuits from your yard.  My technique is fairly simple: Theresa does it.  This is because, without putting too fine a point on it, our dogs Munson and Newton are the canine version of Beavis and Butthead which is to say, they are incredibly stupid when it comes to finding a proper location for doing their business.

Case in point.  Our backyard is a combination of bare lawn (read: dirt), decorative rock, and patio.  And also a swimming pool, but thankfully, the pool is not a major character in this troubling tale of turdish treachery.  You would think that the easiest and most comfortable place for our wonder mutts to drop the doggy deuce would be the dirt, right?  Well, you are exactly wrong.  They often choose to go on the rocks which, on particularly warm days, makes for a fairly disgusting clean-up process.

At least that's what Theresa tells me.

Welcome to Atlantic City.

But cleaning up after our dogs is a duty (rimshot) we humans must undertake with diligence because otherwise the entire planet will be overcome with poop and end up smelling like Philadelphia.  You're probably thinking, hey, didn't he mean to say "end up smelling like New Jersey?"  No, I did not.  Bashing New Jersey is a cruel and over-used cheapshot taken by comedians who don't appreciate the Garden State's finer qualities.  I happen to be from Jersey (specifically, Exit 9), and I therefore know that it doesn't smell anything like dog poop.

It smells like raw sewage and chemical waste.

In breaking news from Lebanon, New Hampshire which I am not making up, Debbie Violette, the manager of Timberwood Commons Apartments, has implemented her plan to identify and prosecute individuals who do not clean up after their Shih-Tzus and poodles.  Using scientific technology developed by BioPet Vet Labs, Violette patrols the apartment complex, collects samples of dog poop that have been carelessly left on the property, and with the help of -- I'm still not making this up -- "PooPrints" DNA testing, determines the identity of the offending dog and owner.  For this to work, of course, Timberwood Commons's dog owners are required to submit a DNA sample to Violette's office to be filed for future reference.

Debbie Violette, Doody DNA Specialist

"I want people to know we're serious about this," says Violette.  "We've tried sending warning letters, we've tried doing a lot of things."

I'm not sure why Violette thought that dogs would respond to warning letters, since they can't open envelopes without shredding them completely to smithereens, but I admire her creativity in addressing such a stinky situation.  She could really take it to the next level by getting the CSI specialists involved.

Cue theme music: "Whooooo are you?  Doo doo, doo doo . . . "

Interior: Forensic laboratory, Crime Scene Investigation Unit, Las Vegas, Nevada.  Lead Investigator Gil Grissom and Level 3 Investigator Nick Stokes have received an evidence sample from freelance investigator Debbie Violette of the Timberwood Commons Fecal Collection Team and are completing their final analysis.

GRISSOM: Judging from the size and consistency of this sample, we're probably looking at a small-to-medium sized canine with a canned dog food diet.  Could be a cocker spaniel, a beagle maybe.  I'm going to run the DNA sample through DeCAP and see if we get a match.

STOKES: DeCAP?

GRISSOM: Stands for "Defecating Canine Apprehension Program."  The database contains information on all dogs in North America, including the name and address of their owner, genetic background, and criminal history.

STOKES: That's dog-gone brilliant!

GRISSOM: You're a riot, Nick.  

CSI experts Brass, Grissom, and Stokes always get their mutt.

Grissom runs the sample, and retrieves a print-out of the results.

GRISSOM: Looks like we found our culprit.  This poop was left on the grounds of Timberwood Commons Apartment Complex by a six-year old Boston Terrier named Max, owned by a Jonathan Tompkins of Lebanon, New Hampshire.

STOKES: Any priors?

GRISSOM: This mutt's got a rap sheet as long as a greyhound's hind leg.  Three outstanding warrants for unlawful defecation, six counts of felony catslaughter, a couple citations for public urination and a misdemeanor for destruction of a couch cushion.

STOKES: I'll call the Lebanon Department of Animal Control with the results.  It's about time to get that bad dog off the streets.

End Scene.

Even with the fancy technology, it's just a matter of time until dogs and their owners figure out a way to beat the system.  For example, instead of sending in an initial DNA sample from your own actual dog, you could steal some poop from a neighbor dog's pile and submit that.  This way, when your dog takes a dump on the complex's lawn and you ignore it like you always do because you're a lazy son of a bitch who has no regard for the environment or the soles of your neighbors' sneakers, the DNA testing will eliminate your canine as a suspect.

Violette would have to be on the lookout for turd burglars, is what I'm saying.

As a favor to those around you, always take a few minutes to scoop up your dog's poop.  Even without the threat of DNA evidence and eventual prosecution, it's still the right thing to do.  As I said, it's not that difficult or time consuming.

Especially if you can make a family member do it.


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