Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Celebrity Roast: Jim "Suldog" Sullivan

"Anyone got any fruitcake?"
In a startling development that was long overdue, our good friend Jim Sullivan, aka "Suldog," has decided to discontinue writing his humor blog.  To honor our dear friend, I thought it would be appropriate to roast him a little bit here on Knucklehead!  

I personally asked several of Jim's long-time readers to write a few words in his dishonor.  To a person, they all told me to go screw myself, that their time would be better spent weeding their gardens or scraping the callouses off their feet with one of those rough stone-type thingies that I'm sure has a name which I'm far to lazy to look up.  So instead, I had to pay complete strangers four bucks a pop to write about Mr. Suldog.  Because that's the kind of guy I am.  Cheap.

I'll start the festivities myself, before passing the baton to our fellow roasters.

Jim "Suldog" Sullivan is the nicest Boston Red Sox fan I've ever met.  Yes, that's the sports equivalent of "for a fat girl, you don't sweat much," but I have to admit . . . Jim isn't quite the douchebag that most of his Boston compatriots are.

As for his blog,  Suldog has a writing style that can be summed up in one word: Interminable.  That's interesting in and of itself, because Sully can't sum up anything in just one word, not even his favorite color, which is "A particular shade of blue that is not quite teal, but can't really be described as turquoise either."  His philosophy on writing is "why say in 250 words what you can say in 3,000?"  If Jim had been hired to write the Pledge of Allegiance, school days would be fourteen hours long.  You know how the families of alcoholics go to Al-Anon?  Jim's family members go to On-and-On-Anon hoping to find an intervention for his perpetual blathering.  When Jim was six years old, his parents let him write the invitations to his birthday party . . . he finished them when he was nine.

Reading a Suldog blog post is like spending an afternoon undergoing oral surgery.  In fact, Jim once wrote a five-thousand word, four-part epic on the subject of oral surgery.

Irony, party of one, your table is now ready.

I always enjoyed Jim's stories about softball, though.  For years, he played on a team called the Bombers.  According to Sully himself, his major contribution to their offensive attack was his uncanny ability to draw walks.  Leave it to Jim to find away to succeed by standing in one place not doing anything.

As all his readers know, Jim concluded each post with his catch phrase, "Soon, with more better stuff."  What readers don't know, however, is that this line has nothing to do with his writing.  It's his standard answer to the question, "Hey Sully, when will you be coming by with the weed?"

All kidding aside, Jim is truly a fantastic writer and although I've never actually met the guy, I consider him a friend.  Thanks for the laughs, Suldog, you'll be missed around these parts.

But Boston still sucks.

Next up to the podium, we have the lovely and talented Miss QUIRKYLOON!

How does one roast a wombat?

I mean a fruitcake?

Nah. That won't work either.

How does one roast one Suldog who has been an anchor of my own blog reading for many moons?

With a Howl?

I leave that to him. He howls pretty well. He likes fruitcake (the ONLY person I know in real or cyber life)

He likes the Boston Celtics (not the only person I know who does in real or cyber life).

He plays Bass Guitar. He was in a band. And his top 15 favorite albums did NOT include Aerosmith. And yet? I still like the man.

He holds a special place in heart for ants, mice, Mr. Rogers, and the brunette Power Puff Girl.

What a guy!

So I take a huge slobbering juicy bite with meat tendrils stuck in-between my teeth and sing a song for Sully.  Come on everybody clap your hands and sing along.

SING A SONG - The Carpenters (lyrics by Quirkyloon)

I, read his blog
Read out loud
Written strong
Blogged of good things, sometimes bad
Blogged of happy, and sad.

Read, read a blog
Written solid
Made me smile my whole life long
It was always more than good enough
for anyone else to read
Just read, read his blog.

Read, Suldog's blog
Let the world read along
Blogged a lot of baseball things,
He blogged for you and for me.

Read, read his blog
Made it funny
To make us smile a lot.
Don't worry his blog was always good enough
for anyone else to read
Soon, with more better stuff.

Thanks, Quirky!  Next up we have Mr. EDDIE BLUELIGHTS!

I first 'met' Jim in BlogLand two years ago and we immediately 'hit it off' as blogging adversaries, and of course we became good friends. Our senses of humour are very similar, although Jim is a little braver than I in his chosen subject matter and the general way he describes things. It was always very refreshing for me to read Jim's unique writing style when he injects copious quantities of amusing verbal diarrhea into his posts, lavishly interwoven with wonderful phrases like "Holy Mary on a Pogo Stick" or "As for giving me awards, you are even braver than the rugbyest rugby player with four missing front teeth, a leg that sticks out at a 30 degree angle, and his gnarled fingers that he can barely operate the remote control with in order to turn the telly over to a showing of American Football".

I ask myself, who else in this universe could possibly come up with stuff like that?  . . . . answer, "Nobody!". 

Jim is a genuine and nice guy beneath the verbal vitriol he spews out between those new teeth at those brave or foolhardy enough to present him with awards, as I found to my cost on no less than three occasions LOL. . . . . but we all loved jumping into the lion's den it and kept coming back for more.

It wasn't all humour (note Jim, the correct way of spelling it LOL) . . . . Jim wrote a lot about his family and some serious stuff . . . . but he really came into his own when he posted more contentious stuff or when he 'grilling' us LOL.

I loved reading the comments on his posts almost as much as the posts themselves because it is obvious that everyone loved that guy and after a hard day at work Jim's blog was the place to visit to let off steam and have a really good laugh.  Jim, a lot of your followers, including me, will miss you tremendously.  A song goes through my head as I write.  It is Bohemian Rhapsody by Queen and please imagine the words right at the end when ALL of us say:

We will not let you go - let me go
Will not let you go - let me go (never)
Never let you go - let me go
Never let me go - ooo
No, no, no, no, no, no, no -
Oh mama mia, mama mia, mama mia let me go . . . . . . .
Of course we all hope you will return one day but until then  . . . . .  thanks for the many laughs and your friendship. I salute you.

Great work, Eddie!

Moving right along, here are a few words from Michelle, at THE SURLY WRITER.

Jim Sullivan? We're talking about Jim Sullivan? Or are we talking about Suldog?

You need to take your pick. I know both men. I know Jim Sullivan, the smart, lovable guy who would give you the shirt off his back to help you out if you were in need, despite him getting a nasty sunburn in the process. Jim Sullivan: a man who posts about those lovely memories concerning his youth, such as the time when he gave HIS MOM a stick of gum and a glass of water as a "breakfast in bed" morning.

Then there's the person who calls himself Suldog. The man who likes those pot-smoking, green leprechaun people called... um... Celtics? That doesn't even make sense? What would a Celt know about basketball? It's not even in their culture. But Suldog is from Boston... and we all know what it means to be from Boston, don't we? It's in the New England territory, which means that it's basically ice up there for 11 months out of the year. Someone suffering from that much of a brain freeze isn't going to have all the cells thawed out to root for a better team, like the Pittsburgh Penguins.

Anyway, I know of a Jim Sullivan and I know of a man named Suldog. They posted great pieces on their humor blog for over six years. Out of those six years, I have had the pleasure to know them for about four years. FOUR YEARS!!! Once you get to know a man that long, he takes on his own identity -- one that I affectionately call MLGF. HE knows what it means, and has mentioned it numerous times on his blog. If you are curious to know what that means, go through his archives. You won't be disappointed from the number of entertaining stories he has there.

Next we have Eva from WRESTLING WITH RETIREMENT, keeping it short and sweet (that's what SHE said).

If you ever have trouble getting to sleep, just read one of Suldog's posts about the Bombers' softball games.  Instant ZZZZs!  And then there's HIS WIFE.  She sounds like a saint, how he ever got lucky enough to hook up with her amazes me.  She obviously could've done so much better.

I'm not very good at roasting; hell, I can barely cook, so I'm going to stop there.

Seriously, Suldog, you will be missed.  More than once I found myself cracking up over one of your posts.  Best to you in whatever path you follow from here!

And now a word from CRICKET!

What to say about my swell pal Suldog as we bid him goodbye, for what I hope will be a sabbatical, not a retirement?  We'll miss his unique voice, his way of finding humor in all circumstances, that brightening of the morning when we realized he's put up a new post.

My own blog would not exist without his encouraging me to begin it.  I'd be surprised if I'm the only one.  And without that, I would not have "met" most of you.  I likely wouldn't be here at all.  I'd owe him my gratitude if only for that.

So he says he's running on fumes and needs a break?  So be it, but his fumes are more than some of us ever have, and funnier.  And there it is.

So enjoy your break, Jim, and I sincerely hope it is a break.  Gather some new stories, maybe.  And I hope to see you again out here, sooner or later, with more better stuff. 

That will about finish him off for now!  Sully, we'll miss you around here, and hopefully this isn't "goodbye" it's just "see ya later."  Be well, and good luck this coming softball season.  Remember, just stand there.  A walk's as good as a hit.

If anyone else would like to contribute to the roasting of good ol' Sully, have a go at him in the comment section.  I'm sure he'll appreciate your thoughts!


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Suldog said...

As I recall, the protocol at a roast is for the "honoree" to answer the insults thrown at him or her with some insults of his own directed back at those who started it. Well, I'm going to do something different and say nothing but good things about everyone.

First, Eddie Bluelights. I'd like to thank Eddie for being such a gracious chap. His taking time off from molesting waterfowl and impersonating Queen Elizabeth, in order to give me a spelling lesson, is certainly appreciated. I think the general idea, when translating from American to British, is to add a "U" to every word. For instance, fck. And you can put one after it, too, Eddie. LOL.

No, in all seriousness, Eddie is a wonderful guy with a great sense of humour (as he spells it) and he gives as good as he gets (or, at least, as well as he's able, which is relatively the same, all things taken into consideration.) If you ever find yourself in The States, Eddie, be sure to visit North Dakota and look me up.

(Did he buy that? He doesn't know I live in Massachusetts, does he?)

Next up on this edition of World's Dumbest Criminals is Quirkyloon.

No, that's not very nice of me, and I apologize. Quirky is a great lady, and very sexy (if you overlook that her facial expression suggests there may be a rabid wombat in her panties.) And she's never had anything but kind words for me, so she's obviously mentally deficient and I try to never make fun of the handicapped (unless there's money in it.)

So, thanks, Quirky! And please also give my thanks to whomever you found to read this to you.

Last, but certainly not least (which isn't saying much in this bunch) we have my dear friend, Knucklehead. As Yankees fans go, and I wish they would, he's among the least obnoxious. Of course, that's like saying what he said about Red Sox fans.

I'd especially like to thank him for arranging this roast and proving to me that I made the right decision in quitting. I've been writing a blog for almost six years and only THREE people cared enough to participate? Gee, thanks for the boost to my ego, Knucks! I guess I can take home most of the centerpieces myself, huh? Beelzebub on a merry-go-round! Charlie Manson would have drawn a bigger and more appreciative crowd.

In closing, I'd just like to say that I'm looking around my office for a razor blade and, if I found one, I slit my throat five minutes after writing this.

Soon, With More Bitter Stuff.

Chris@Knucklehead! said...

Hi Jim.

Actually, more "roastings" are trickling in and I'll add them to this post as I get them. We're up to four now.

And several others have indicated their desire to chime in, once they've looked up the proper spellings of "buffoon," "self-possessed windbag," and "tedious."

00dozo said...

A roast well done! I'm looking forward to the gravy.

Suldog said...

Knucklehead - Yeah, it's just like you to put something half-finished out for public consumption and embarrass me in the process. Thanks a bunch. Now I see that Michelle has chimed in. Back to the podium for me, then.

Michelle - You call me MLGF, but you declined to let people know what those initials stand for. I know you meant well, trying to get people to visit my blog, but I don't care now that I've finished writing, so I'll let the cat out of the bag.

MLGF = Magnificently Large-Genitaled Friend

Yes, I'm a dick. And a big one, too!

Thanks, MDGF (and I'm not going to tell them what that stands for, but they can now use their imaginations, which won't help much if I'm any judge of the general IQ level of folks who would read Knucklehead.) Even with brain freeze, I could always tell you were one of the good ones (and I don't mean graded on a curve next to all of the other folks from Pittsburgh, as that wouldn't be much of a compliment.)

EmptyNester said...

Well crap. Somebody I just find out about and he leaves. This is not a good sign.

Tony Van Helsing said...

anyone who likes ants is ok in my eyes.

Eddie Bluelights said...

Hey Knucklehead!!! This is not what I sent you!! It has been 'doctored' and a whole heap of crap has been added!! Should have read:

"Good riddance to a miserable b------." Perhaps some decorum may enter BlogLand at last. LOL Just joking Jim - I think!

Hey Jim, thanks for the directions LOL. I will make sure I go to the southern states instead. LOL

fck (add u) and another u to you too! LOL

Come back soon buddy ~ Eddie

lime said...

what a great idea. what great roasts from all the participants!

i don't know what it is about michelles from the great state of PA but i'd agree with everything she said about knowing the two sides of this guy. and having had the pleasure of meeting him in person i can say in all honesty, he is every bit as warped for real as he presents himself on the blog. he tries hard to obscure the sweet guy he really is under a veneer of curmudgeonly blog behavior and abuse of those who bestow awards but then the truth comes out when he posts about how he can't even swat a fly or his affection for an aunt who feeds herds of stray cats. it's almost like he's got multiple personalities. jim sullivan, defender of pesky insects and feral cats, and his evil twin suldog who has a disturbing fascination with softball and abuse of readers.

Suldog said...

Hey, I hope I'm not disappointing anyone by just saying a sincere "Thanks!" to Knucklehead and everyone who participated in any way in this roast. It has truly made me weepy that so many folks cared enough to take the time to do this.

Of course, it's made me even more weepy that so many more people didn't take the time to do this, but what are you going to do? I'm a slug, so I can't very well diss anyone else for being one, too.

If and when I return, all of you will get a big wet kiss (or something even more disgusting, if you swing that way.)


Quirkyloon said...

World's Dumbest Criminal Quirkyloon.

And I'm still waiting for my reality show.


Where ARE the reality tv producers. I would be a goldmine. Or landmine.

Take yer pick!

We luvs ya you big ole Suldog!

IT (aka Ivan Toblog) said...

Sully truly is "One of a Kind", worse he's not subtle about it... ironic maybe, but never subtle.
I feel bad for all the poor folk who won't experience his wit when it's fresh.
Heck, some of the most fun on his blog was during the last week when his commenters did all the work writing knock-knock jokes.

I was kind of hoping he was going to go down in flames skewering Blogger for make him a Blog of Note.

Bill Yates said...

Shameless self-promotion (me, not Sully)...I have a new softball post from Suldog in the comments section over at my place...

Fred Miller said...

poor dawg

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