Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Waking Up Just Got a Whole Lot Tougher

If shopping were an Olympic sport, my fiance Theresa would be pictured on a Wheaties box holding about seven gold medals and her Visa card.  It's not so much that she spends an inordinate amount of money, she's actually pretty good at finding bargains and doesn't usually go overboard.  What I have a slight issue with, though, is her ability to find (and purchase) items that have no purpose anywhere in the world, much less in our home.  We have a ceramic rooster, for example, and about seventeen small vases that each contain a bouquet of sticks (she told me what those are actually called, but I don't remember and I don't really care anyway).  And don't even get me started on the Halloween decorations.  If it's got a pumpkin or a skull on it, she'll buy it.  Even if it's a total piece of crap like this:

Now, in the spirit of fairness, Theresa could very easily accuse me of the same thing.  I have an office in our home that is pretty much stuffed to the ceiling with autographed baseballs, signed bats, framed jerseys, photographs, all sorts of sports artifacts.  I'm sure Theresa would be quick to say that my collection of memorabilia is a useless waste of space.

She'd be wrong, of course, but I'm willing to acknowledge a different point of view.

But despite her tendency to embrace the worthless, every once in a while Theresa will bring home (or the UPS guy will drop off on the porch) something that makes all the ceramic roosters and votive candles worthwhile.

Which brings us to the Memory Foam Mattress.

A couple weeks ago, Theresa called me at work with this earth-shattering news:

"Hey!  The UPS guy just dropped off our new mattress!" she said.

"We're getting a new mattress?  Was something wrong with the old one?"

"You don't understand.  This is a Memory Foam Mattress!"

"Which is?"

"Oh, you'll see when you get home."

"Can't wait."

When I got home that afternoon, I lugged the 84-pound box of mattress up to our bedroom.  We opened it up and unrolled the four-inch thick Memory Foam Mattress on top of our existing mattress.  It looked like a giant pound cake, and when you press your hand on it, the hand print stays there for a few seconds.  And that wasn't the only quirk.

"It smells like paint," I said.

"Yeah, the website said that'll go away."


We remade the bed.  It looked about the same as it had with the old mattress except, you know, it was four inches thicker.  I had no idea what the big deal was.

And then I laid down on it.

If God had his choice of bedding (and one would have to assume that He does), there is no doubt in my mind that this is the mattress the Almighty would choose.  When you lie down on the Memory Foam Mattress, the spongy foam welcomes and absorbs you.  You're not so much lying on it, you're lying in it.

Which now presents me with a problem that I have to deal with every morning.  I forgot to mention that the purchase of the mattress included a pair of Memory Foam Pillows which are just as comfy-cozy, and between the pillow and the mattress, they simply won't let me get out of bed in the morning.  My alarm goes off, and immediately Pillow and Mattress try to seduce me into going back to sleep: 

"Chris, just ignore that obnoxious alarm," says Pillow.  "Just let your head sink back into my squishy softness."

"But I have to go to work," I reply.

"Ah, just call in sick," says Mattress.  "Wouldn't you rather sleep till noon?  We're right here with you, to make sure you're nice and comfortable."

"Well, I do have some sick leave saved up . . . "

"That's the spirit," chimes in Blanket.

"Good for you," says Pillow.  "Just shut off the ol' alarm, and you'll be back in Dreamland in no time."

This is what I've been dealing with every morning for the past two weeks.  I really should get back to work soon.

Maybe next time Theresa's at Target, she can pick me up a better alarm clock.


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Mariann Simms said...

I have a Tempur-Pedic mattress. I know what you mean. It honestly is the most comfy thing in the world. Only mine probably weight about five times what yours weighs.

Both my kids always want to "sleep in the comfy bed".

Ha! Go buy your own, dammit. :)

I did, however, give my son the Tempur-Pedic pillow - it was kinda annoying I thought.

One last thing - you can put the glass of wine at one edge of the bed and jump up and down without it moving - I tried. It works. Pretty nifty.

Eva Gallant said...

There's nothing quite like a comfy bed and mattress!

I'm Jane said...

My boyfriend had the same problem. So I bought him "Clocky", the alarm clock on wheels! When the alarm goes off, Clocky launches off of the bedside table and takes off across the room while emitting a high-pitched shriek. You can't hit snooze if you have to chase your clock across the room. Genius.

My boyfriend has yet to forgive me for introducing this into our lives. But he's never late.

Suldog said...

Sheesh. I already have that problem with my ratty old bed. I dread to think how much of a slug I could become if we ever got memory foam. They could probably embalm me before I raised a ruckus.

Heff said...

Hey, email me the link to that mattress. Heff WANTS ONE !!!

Moooooog35 said...

My sleeper sofa (which I'm on quite often) had the option of a memory foam mattress..

..which I declined.

On a related note, bed springs actually CAN dig into your flesh after a while.

The more you know.

Boom Boom Larew said...

I don't dare get one until I retire because I'd never get out of bed again.

Jenn Thorson said...

I used to have that problem on my foamy pillow-top for the bed... until I got an Alarm Cat. Now, usually a half hour before my alarm buzzer is set to go off, my Alarm Cat comes in and wakes me with persistence. And whiskers in the ear.

This is in order to "help" me avoid hearing that nasty alarm. Or to possibly feed her NOW NOW NOW.

I'm not sure which.

Perhaps you'd like to try one.

Candy's daily Dandy said...

I could so hang with Theresa!

I have heard mixed reviews on the memory foam...I'm so glad you LOVE it.

Ive been considering a new mattress.

Peter Varvel said...

Sold! This post makes me want to buy the Memory Foam mattress!

J.J. in L.A. said...

I have a Sleep Comfort (Numbers) bed and OMG! What did I ever do before it? Although, sleeping til noon is usually frowned upon around here.

Funnyrunner said...

UPS delivers really heavy mattresses? How ' bout that.... Your post is well timed, as the husband and I are definitely in need of a new mattress. Much obligted for the recommedation.... either of you have a bad back?

screwdestiny said...

Chris, be careful with this mattress and pillow. I know they feel amazing, but I've actually known a lot of people that have thrown out their backs because of them. The problem is the muscles along your spine and neck are really meant to be working on some level all the time. When lying on a normal mattress they are still actively working to support your spine. But with the Memory Foam mattresses, they don't have to work at all because you just melt into the mattress. So what can happen if you're not careful in the morning is you can get up too fast, turn wrong, etc., and the muscles that have been dormant all night aren't ready to start working all of a sudden, so the back/neck gets thrown out of place. I hope you don't have any of those problems though. It's just a warning.

MikeWJ at Too Many Mornings said...

I've been staying at a lot of Marriott Hotels in the last few months, and they all feature these foam beds. God, they're comfortable. Like you, I can hardly get out of bed in the morning. As for the smell of paint, I assume I'll die from some horrible disease because of whatever they outgas, but I don't care. They can bury me a foam-lined coffin.

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