Monday, October 4, 2010

Don't Mess With My Oreos!

Let's just get it out of the way right up front.  Oreos are the closest mankind has ever come to achieving perfection.  A pair of delectable chocolate cookies with just the right crunch, sandwiching a layer of exquisitely textured creme filling.  You don't even need to dunk these heavenly morsels, they stand on their own just fine.  And to top it off, you can enjoy 'em with STYLE!  Remember the theme song?  "A kid'll eat the middle of an Oreo first, and save the chocolate cookie outside for last."  Repeat as desired.  My dear Mr. Nabisco, you are the Patron Saint of Chocolaty Goodness.

Or were.

Somewhere along the way, Mr. Nabisco went overboard.  I don't know what caused it.  Boredom, maybe. Over-confidence, perhaps.  Maybe he got caught up in this attention-deficit decade that offers up two hundred varieties of everything from cellular phone services to potato chips.  Whatever the reason, under Nabisco's supervision, someone over in product development decided to screw around with greatness.  First came the Double Stuffed Oreo, which was perfectly acceptable.  That's just more of a good thing, like adding an extra patty on an In-n-Out Double Double.  That's greed, not change, and as Gordon Gecko so eloquently put it, "Greed, for lack of a better word, is good."  And so were the Oreo and its Double Stuffed comrade.

But Nabisco and his minions couldn't leave well enough alone.  No, they just went friggin' berzerk, like the Lucky Charms people did when they started throwing a bazillion different kinds of marshmallows into the fray, screwing up what was already a great cereal.  The Lucky Charms of my youth featured pink hearts, yellow moons, orange stars, and green clovers.  That's all, and it was wonderful.  But then the blue diamonds crashed the party.  Completely unnecessary, of course, but it didn't stop there, oh no.  Next came the rogue purple horseshoes, and then all hell broke loose.  Red balloons, pots of gold, rainbows, little green hats, shooting stars, and now they've added hourglasses.  What's lucky about an hourglass?  It wasn't for DOROTHY!  Has Lucky the Leprechaun started dropping acid or something?  Sure, maybe at one time I was "always after his Lucky Charms," but now I just want to snap, crackle, and pop the little fucker's spinal column.

Okay, back to the Oreos.

Like I said, I had no problem with the Double Stuffed edition.  But suddenly, out of nowhere, Cool Mint Creme Oreos appeared.  No offense, Mr. Nabisco, but let's just leave the mint cookies to the Girl Scouts, shall we?  They've got it down friggin' pat.  Then, with Halloween right around the corner they whipped up a batch of Oreos with orange filling.  These mutant-cookies didn't look festive, they looked radioactive.  And then, chaos took over.  Spring Oreos with yellow centers, red-filled Oreos for Christmas, chocolate filled, strawberry milkshake, white fudge, Golden Oreos . . . cats and dogs, living together, MASS HYSTERIA!

This is not to say that the expansion Oreos aren't tasty.  The strawberry milkshake ones, in particular, are delicious.  But they're not real Oreos.  Call them something else, maybe, let's say, "Strawberry Smushkadoodles", whatever, and I'll be the first one in line.  And don't even get me started on the peanut butter Oreos.  They're the Cousin Oliver of the Nabisco Bunch.  Annoying, unwanted, funny-looking and, let's admit it, just a tad creepy.  Oreos are chocolate cookies with white creme filling.  Period.

It's time for consumers to take a stand, show 'em that we mean business. I propose a national boycott, forcing Nabisco and General Mills to gather up all the wannabe Oreos and A.D.D. Lucky Charms and ship them off to the Island of Misfit Food where they can hang out with Blue Heinz Ketchup, New Coke, and the McRib.

Or better yet, send them to China and give 'em to those starving kids my mom always told me about.


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13 comments:

Heff said...

Where exactly IS this island ? I wanna GodDamned McRib !

J.J. in L.A. said...

Holy hell, where have I been??? Not in a grocery store, that's for sure because I've never hard of any the new Oreos. I might just have to go and try these babies out...uhh, then I'll boycott. Maybe.

Bethany@ImperfectMom said...

Hang on-Cool Mint Oreos?! Dangit, there goes my diet. Again.
Love "Cousin Oliver of the Nabisco Bunch"!

encumberedreality said...

I have to slightly disagree on the Cool Mint Oreos... they are just a bit of perfection that our house just can't go without...

But I totally hear you on all the other colors for the season / holidays... just a waste of space that could be used for Cool Mint Oreos...

Eva Gallant said...

well said! I want my Oreos!

nonamedufus said...

Blue Heinz Ketchup? I missed that one. How could you be full of anticipation for blue ketchup?

Anonymous said...

I totally agree with the lucky charms and the oreos that are simply different colors - unnecessary. But I must confess my love for the golden oreos with chocolate filling and the peanut butter oreos, yum yum!

Jeff said...

I haven't had an Oreo -- original, double-stuffed, mint or otherwise since 1994. They're one of the things I miss the most.

One thing I don't miss is the blue ketchup because when it came out I missed it altogether. This is the first time I'd heard of it.

IT said...

Island of Misfit Food would be a good name for a blog... maybe.

Ooh! The best way to send things over to it would be with a giant slingshot or a catapult.

What scares me most is that somewhere out there is a focus group who likes this crap.

Suldog said...

Ugh. McRibs were most heinous. Oreos, on the other hand, are delightful, yes.

(Although I must admit to a preference for Hydrox as a child, since I thought the filling was better.)

vickilikesfrogs said...

One word. Oreo Cakesters. Well, ok, that was actually 2 words, but still. And I remember blue ketchup, now that you mentioned it! I think we've all managed to block that one from our memories! Why can't they just leave a good thing alone???

Fragrant Liar said...

I admit, I don't have near the fun in the junk food aisle as you, but I think you have a point. Oreos are black and white. Trying to be colorful is just a cry for attention.

Jenn Flynn-Shon said...

You totally lost me after Cool Mint. It is baffling to hear there are that many different flavors of Oreos now, I guess when I'm picking up a package my eyes zero right in on the original awesomeness. Of course, don't get me started on the new "express lane to stale" packaging these geniuses came up with. A semi-sticky (read: crumb ridden) flap doesn't exactly protect my cookies from the elements...I guess that's their way of saying eat them faster and buy more.

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