Monday, August 9, 2010

Hot for Teacher

The bell rang in room 302, signaling the beginning of seventh period. It was the first day of the new semester, so we sat anywhere we wanted, ready for Health Education for Freshmen. The teacher entered the classroom, and half the class turned into drooling idiots.

The male half.

Miss Rankin was a first-year teacher fresh out of college, 23 years-old, and absolutely drop-dead gorgeous. Dark hair, stunningly exotic beauty, and a body that caused more than one mid-hallway student collision. Assigning a knockout like Miss Rankin to a class full of pimply ninth graders just coming to grips with the whole boy-girl thing was a dubious decision on the part of the school's administration.

The course went well, at first. Topics like the respiratory system, hygiene, drug and alcohol awareness, and fitness went off without a hitch. Sure, there were times when our attention wavered, like in the spring, when Miss Rankin (or as we now referred to her in private, "Miss Spankin'") sported the more comfortable garments in her wardrobe. More comfortable for her, that is. For us guys, not so much, but we sure enjoyed the scenery.

The trouble really began when we got to Chapter Seven: Human Reproduction. Miss Rankin was about to become a babe in the hormonal woods.

Regardless of the circumstances, words like "penis", "vagina", "erection," and "intercourse" always elicit giggles, jokes, and snickers from ninth-grade boys, and a chorus of "would you guys just grow up?" from ninth-grade girls. When those same words are spoken by your mind-bogglingly hot teacher, it changes the game entirely. We were essentially earning a grade for sitting through an obscene phone call.

"Now, when a man experiences sexual arousal, blood flows to the penis causing an erection," she purred.

Yeah . . . um . . . we know, Miss Spankin'. We know.

"During intercourse, when a man is fully aroused, semen is ejaculated . . . "

Keep talkin', baby, keep talkin' . . .

"Any questions so far?"

Okay, let me back up for a second. I said this was a freshman health class, but I forgot to tell you about Kenny "Ladies" Mann. Kenny was actually a junior, but since he'd flunked the course on his first two attempts, well, here he was again. Third time's a charm? Perhaps. "Ladies" Mann was your prototypical big-man-on-campus. Star wide receiver on the football team, dated cheerleaders (and not always on an individual basis), and was adored by students and teachers alike. Given his life experiences, Kenny knew the freshman health material inside and out (literally, in some instances), and he had no problem asking probing questions to get deeper into the subject matter.

"Uh, yes, Miss Rankin?" Kenny began. "Since you, ya know, brought it up, what would you say is the average size of an erect penis?"

"Studies say that it's anywhere from five and a half to six and a half inches, Kenny."

"Really? That's it? Cool. Does size matter? I mean, in your experience."

Miss Rankin was on thin ice here. Once she started in on "her experience," all hell would break loose in the classroom. On the other hand, she couldn't really get mad at Kenny because, after all, he was asking a legitimate question based on the content of the lecture.

"Well, leaving my personal experiences out of it, the common opinion is that a caring, compassionate partner can provide a fulfilling experience regardless of physical endowments."

You gotta hand it to her, she was really giving it a hell of a go. But Kenny wasn't about to let her off the hook just yet.

"Okay, sure, but all things being equal, Miss Rankin, would a woman get more pleasure from a caring, compassionate little dude or a caring, compassionate stallion?"

"Kenny, it's really a matter of personal taste and I'm not going to get into it with you kids. Let's move on, shall we?"

"Okay, that brings up another thing. Since you mentioned 'taste' . . . "

"THAT'S ENOUGH, KENNY!"

The following year, sex ed was taught by a male teacher to the guys and by a female teacher to the girls. Really, it had to happen sooner or later. But for that one year, those of us in Miss Spankin's class were treated to the most erotic high school experience you could get without getting suspended.

Or arrested, even.


j

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11 comments:

Moooooog35 said...

Just curious..but do you happen to have her number?

Grumpy, M.D. said...

Wasn't this scene in "Up the Academy", the long forgotten MAD magazine movie?

Suldog said...

I'm sure I read this before. Is this a repeat? Or maybe I'm just remembering my own fondest wishes from my high school years. In any case, it was a great read.

Eva Gallant said...

Having been a high school teacher, I found this to be hilarious!

Mariann Simms said...

In our school system, they knew better - they'd pick the least attractive teacher to teach this stuff...but we'd still get a rise out of the teacher with our questions. ;)

CatLadyLarew said...

I can just picture it now! Lucky you, to have gotten in on the tail end of Miss Spankin! Who's a naughty boy?

Brahm (alfred lives here) said...

Ms Spankin.... niiiice.

In junior high we had an English teacher, who was shall we say height-challenged, named Mr Seaman, who yes we called The Little Squirt.

And we could judge how far into our 50-minute class we were as it took 45 minutes for his combover to slide over.

Bruce Coltin said...

I loved this one the first time around. You should run it periodically. It will become a blog classic.

MikeWJ at Too Many Mornings said...

Boy, I really miss high school, Knuck. Except for the parts where I couldn't stand up until I calmed down, that is.

Jen said...

Our female gym teacher taught the class of girls, it was kinda creepy.

Jonah Gibson said...

We didn't have sex education back in the sixties. If we had, mine would have been taught by a priest - scary perhaps, but far from erotic. Upshot is of course that I found your post confusing and challenging. I had to look some stuff up on Google.

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