Monday, August 30, 2010

Bagels and Ice

It was 9:00 on Sunday morning.  I was in that sleep-purgatory between "totally unconscious" and "groggy and incoherent" when Theresa nudged me (and by "nudged" I of course mean blasted me in the ribcage with a Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson-approved People's Elbow).  "I think you should get me breakfast," she said, batting her eyes sweetly.

"I should, huh?"

"Yes.  You have two choices."

"Is one of the choices going back to sleep and dealing with your breakfast in an hour?"  I asked hopefully.


"Didn't think so.  What do you want?"

"Well, you can go to Vons and get some cheese bagels or if you don't want to get out of the car, just run through a drive through and get Egg McMuffins and hash browns or something."

"All right, bagels sound good actually."

"Oh, and one more thing  . . . "

Whenever Theresa sends me on an errand, no matter how small, it almost always includes a "one more thing" addendum.  For example, "Chris, we need to go pick up the mail and oh, there's one more thing, we should probably go to Target."  Never mind that Target is nowhere near the post office, and Theresa's trips to Target are more exhausting and complex than most Arctic expeditions.  The "one more thing" addendum has no such restrictions, nor is it limited to only ONE more thing.  In our world, therefore, it's not uncommon for a ten-minute milk run to include a dozen one-more-things and end up killing most of a weekend.

"Oh, one more thing, while you're there you can pick up a bag of ice for tonight." In our household, we normally drink our sodas right from the can.  But we were having friends over for dinner and we always assume that our guests (as well as the rest of Western civilization) will be a bit more sophisticated than we are.  Thus, the ice.

So I went to Vons Supermarket and headed first to the bakery section.  The bagels were packaged neatly in sleeves of six, so I grabbed a sleeve of cheddar and a sleeve of cheddar-jalapeno (my favorite) and went off in search of the ice.

That's when the trouble started.

We only needed a small bag of ice cubes, the five-pounder.  All I could find, though, were the 20-pound bags, the five-pound blocks, and a couple five-pound bags of "lime-flavored" ice cubes.  So here were my options:

1. Buy the lime ice cubes and then play dumb when everyone asked "Why does my diet Dr. Pepper taste weird?"

2. Buy the ice block and spend a couple hours chipping the hell out of it with an ice pick, which I do not own in the first place.

3. Go with the 20-pound bag and hope it fit in our freezer, or divvy up the ice in to Ziploc bags.

I went with the 20-pounder. 

I should mention at this point that I completely realized this was going to be far too much ice.  In a last-ditch effort to find the right size bag, I did something that I normally would never consider: I asked a store employee for assistance.

"Excuse me, Chuck?"  The checker's name was Chuck.  It said so right there on his name tag.

"Yes, can I help you?"

"You wouldn't happen to have a smaller bag of ice somewhere, would you?  I'm just hosting a small dinner gathering, not building an igloo."

"Actually, no.  We just changed over to a new ice company, and we're not getting the smaller bags until next week."

Ice company?  I've never thought about that.  Imagine . . . 

What do you do?  

I work for the Mr. Chill Ice Company.  

Really?  What's your job there?  

I'm in the water distribution department.  

What does that entail?  

I pour water into trays.

And then what?

Then the pre-freeze transport department takes the trays to the freezer guys.

That has to be the most pressure-free job on the planet.  Unless the freezers break. 

I thanked Chuck for his assistance, paid for the ice and the bagels, and headed home. 

Theresa was in the kitchen when I arrived.  "Jeez, did you get enough ice?  There's no way that's going to fit in the freezer."

I told her the story, from lime-flavored ice cubes to Chuck.  And then I opened the freezer and tried to squeeze the bag of ice in.  Surprisingly, it sort of fit.  We only had to transfer a couple of Ziploc bags worth of cubes.

And then she saw the bagels.

"They didn't have any fresh ones?" Theresa asked, with an obvious look of disappointment on her face.  Now, had I been thinking quickly, I would have seen the trouble ahead and said no, they were all out of fresh bagels.  But I'm not that smart.

"What do you mean, fresh ones?"

"Well, the fresh bagels are right there in the display and you put them in paper bags.  The ones that are pre-wrapped in plastic -- like these -- are usually a day old.  Did they have any in the display?"

"Yeah, I think so."

"Okay, and?"

"And I apparently screwed up by getting the conveniently pre-wrapped ones?"

"Yes you did.  I guess that's the last time I send you to the store for something."

But I think we all know that's a lie.  There's always one more thing.


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Pearl said...

No worries. She will continue to send you out. :-)

And lime-flavored ice cubes? Never heard of it!


Grumpy, M.D. said...

That was from Colombo. As someone was walking away he'd hold up his hand and say "Ah, just one more question."

Eva Gallant said...

I'll take a couple of those lime flavored ice cubes in a glass of vodka!

brookeamanda said...

They make lime-flavored ice?!

Mariann Simms said...

I, too, never heard of lime ice. Is there some logic for this? Even lemon ice sounds like it would be more logical.

Also, I thought guys screwed up things on purpose so we NEVER ASK them to do it for us again. That whole, "Well, if I always do it do it from now on" trick that seems to work.

Quirkyloon said...

I'm also fascinated: lime ice?


The possibilities are endless, kind of like your errands for Theresa!

J.J. in L.A. said...

The phrase 'If you want something done right..." comes to mind. ; )

Doesn't 7-11 or Liquor Mart (sp?) sell smaller bags? lol! And yes, I'm a 'glass with ice' kinda girl.

Ziva said...

You're such a good husband to run errands when you're barely even awake. :) And now I'm fascinated - you can buy pre-frozen ice in bags over there? Amercia never ceases to amaze me. But I guess it makes sense.. Why go through all the trouble of freezing your own tap water in your own freezer when you could just take your car to the store and buy frozen water that's been shipped from who knows where?

Jenn Flynn-Shon said...

Wish you got the name of that ice company, would like to invest in their lime flavored ice. We go through a lot of margaritas over here...

Suldog said...

OK, so everybody else seems hung up on the lime-flavored ice, but I was stunned and amazed at the cheese bagels. Cheese? AND Bagels? Like, baked together, in ONE convenient thing you chew on? I'm speechless.

Well, OK, that's obviously a lie. But, still, it seems dangerously close to some sort of apocalyptic food. Someday, when your state doesn't have an earthquake but still drops off into the ocean, I'll know the reason why.

Linda Medrano said...

I have never even seen cheese bagels but now I want one. And lime flavored ice is new to me too! I want some of that too! I wish I had an automatic ice maker refrig but I don't. Actually I do have one but it's not hooked up to a water source. Who's fault is that? (My husband's of course. Everything is always the husband's fault! Ask Theresa!)

MeNotFunny said...

My advice? Go to McDonalds next time and while there, ask for 40 cups with just ice in them.

CatLadyLarew said...

Arghh! My mom used to get me in the car and then say, "As long as we're out..." It was horrible, I tell you, just horrible being dragged around town while she ran errands, smoking like a chimney the entire time.

Glad you went for the 20 pounds, though... Dr Pepper with lime ice cubes would have been just wrong!

Carolina said...

Or... your plan to buy the wrong things so you'll never have to go out shopping for something and just one more thing again, will actually work!
There is always hope ;-)

Also, the guy from the pre-freeze transport department, who has to take the trays to the freezer guys has a pretty difficult job I think. Imagine bringing trays full of water all the way over to the freezer department without spilling. ;-)

Diane said...

OK, I have to jump on the bandwagon and say that I, too, have never heard of lime-flavored ice.

The rest of the post was cool, too. Heh. Get it? Cool. 'Cause it was about ice. Lime-flavored ice...

Have you missed me?! ;)

Diane said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Mik said...

Are our wives related? I get the "one more thing" all the time.

I would be all over the lime flavored ice cubes, being a "limey" and all I drink a lot of lime flavored drinks.

We also use a lot of ice in our Magic Bullet to make our own Icees.

Anonymous said...

My favorite bagels are asiago cheese bagels. Yum.

I get them at Panera Bread or Einstein Bagels.

Sun dried tomato are my next favorite.

Mr. Condescending said...

JJ asked just what I was thinking, couldn't you just find them sold at a gas station?

I can't believe they actually sell blocks of ice. Do people still use ice boxes or something? Wow.

Funny post, as usual!

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