Saturday, July 24, 2010

What Ever Happened To . . . The Grinch?

Stanley "The Grinch" Wadsworth spent the first thirty or so years of his life terrorizing Whoville from his decrepit cave atop Mount Crumpet, in the state of Who Hampshire.  Most of the time, he merely played innocent pranks on the Whos, like removing all the city's stop signs or cutting all the Who-television cables.  Other times, though, when he was in a particularly Grinchy mood, he became much more dastardly and, dare I say, psychotic.  The best example of this is the incident in 1969 when the Grinch poisoned the Whoville water supply, resulting in 12 Who-deaths.

His most well-documented attack on the Whos, though, came on Christmas Eve, 1971 when he committed a series of home-invasion robberies.  The Grinch had a long-standing hatred of the Whos and their propensity for celebrating the Christmas season by singing obnoxious Who-carols and festooning their entire village with tinsel, wreaths, mistletoe, and other traditional Christmas paraphernalia.  It should be noted, however, that not all Whos participated in this holiday cheer-fest.  The Who Jews, for example, did not celebrate Christmas at all.  Instead, they would light their menorahs and exchange gifts on the eight nights of Who-nukkah.

It was on that fateful Christmas Eve that the Grinch met his future wife, Cindy Lou Who.  Dressed as Santa Claus, the Grinch broke into the home of Cindy Lou (a cute little Who, who was no more than two) and attempted to steal the family's presents as well as their Christmas tree.  Cindy Lou caught him in the act, but The Grinch fed the gullible Who-kid a line of bullshit about taking the tree back to his workshop to fix a light that had burned out.  The naive Cindy Lou bought his story, and the Grinch went on about his Grinchly business.

As the story goes, the Whos barely even noticed that their homes had been ransacked and their presents and decorations were gone.  They simply joined hands in the village square and continued with the Holiday Whoo-pla.   The Grinch couldn't believe it.  What was the use of being a despicable bastard if your victims didn't get all freaked out about your evildoing?  Upon hearing the Whos break into a rousing rendition of the holiday classic "Wah Who Doray, Wah Who Doray, Welcome Christmas Christmas Day," he realized that  maybe, just maybe, Christmas was about more than just presents, it was about family, and friends, and the Who-spirit.

Who-nukkah, however, still sucked.

After the holiday bonding with the Whos, the Grinch's heart grew three sizes and he became a model citizen in Whoville (although he kept his residence on Mount Crumpet, because there's not much of a real estate market for decrepit old caves).  He was elected to the Whoville City Council, he opened a small "handyman" shop, and he and his dog Max could be found at many Whoville parties and events.  Finally, in 1989, he married 21-year old Cindy Lou Who, the girl who he'd tricked on that Christmas Eve long ago.

The marriage was not well-received by the Who-population as a whole, primarily because of the age difference between the bride and groom.  The Grinch was now pushing fifty, and many Whos spoke out against the so-called "cradle robbery."

"Cindy Lou was always a sweet girl, but she was incredibly naive," said her brother Yuno Who.  "When the Grinch softened up that Christmas, she started to worship the guy.  Yeah, he seemed to be pretty nice after all that, but everyone knew he had that dark side.  No one can change THAT much, and I never really forgave him for swiping our family's Who-Hash and Whoberry pie.   Cindy Lou, though, the older she got the more she adored him.  I tried to tell her that he was too old for her, that she didn't know what she was getting herself into, but it was no use. She was determined to marry the guy."

After a wonderful honeymoon on the island of Oa-who, the Grinch and Cindy Lou were happy for awhile, but before long the difference in their ages proved to be an impossible obstacle to overcome.  The Grinch did not age gracefully, and the youthful and exuberant Cindy Lou began to crave excitement.  One night, while working her waitressing shift at Who-ters, she met a 22-year old surfing champion named Troy Watt.  One thing led to another, and Cindy Lou started seeing Watt on a regular basis.  It didn't take long for the Grinch to become suspicious.

"So, where have you been?" he asked one night, as Cindy Lou arrived home three hours after her shift ended.

"I can't hide this from you anymore," she said, refusing to make eye contact.  "I'm having an affair."

"WHAT?!?"

This stunned Cindy Lou.  "Oh Stanley.  How did you know?"

"Know about what?"

"Yeah, him.  That's the guy I've been seeing."

"Who?"

"No, it's not a Who.  It's a regular human."

"What is?"

"Yes.  Watt is a human."

The Grinch was befuddled.  "Look, all I'm asking is what's the name of this guy you're sleeping with."

"That's right.  Watt is his name."  Cindy Lou started crying.

"Why are you asking ME?  How the hell would I know?"

"I'm not asking you, I'm telling you.  Watt is the name of the guy I'm sleeping with."

"I'm asking YOU!  What's his name?"

"That IS the guy's name!"

"What is?"

"Yes."

"So let me ask one more time, you're sleeping with who?"

"No, Watt is not a Who."

"Isn't he?"

"Hee?  Wait, why are you bringing him up?  Hee is just a friend."  It was true.  Jimmy Hee was a Who who Cindy Lou knew, and their close friendship grew from the time they were two.  They were life-long pals, more like brother and sister, really.

"Who is just a friend?"

"Hee is.  And yes, Hee is a Who," said Cindy Lou.

"Okay, so now you're saying that he's just a friend?"

"Hee has always been a friend."

"Then what's the name of the guy you're banging?"

"Right.  I'm sleeping with Watt and Hee's just a friend."

The Grinch could feel the blood boiling in his veins.  "He's not just a friend if you're SLEEPING WITH HIM, DAMMIT!"

"Hee's not the one I'm sleeping with, Watt is!"

"WHAT?"

"Right."

"What's his name?  The guy you're nailing?"

"Exactly," said Cindy Lou, calming down a bit.  "Now you've got it.  I'm glad that's off my chest."

"I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT WE'RE TALKING ABOUT!"

"I'm having an affair, I just told you."

"With . . . who?"

"No!  With Watt!  The Who, Hee, is just a friend!"

"Okay," said the Grinch, exasperated.  "Let's start this again.  Tell me the name of the guy you're sleeping with."

"Watt."

"TELL ME THE NAME OF THE GUY . . . "

"That's his name!"

"What's his name?"

"Yes."

"Let's try it this way," said the Grinch.  "Suppose one night I come home early from work and catch you in the act.  I bust through the bedroom door and I see you doing . . . what?"

"Now that's the first thing you've said right."

"I don't know what the hell I'm talking about.  You're doing what?"

"Yes, dear, I'm doing Watt.  Sometimes Watt does it to me."

"What does it to you?"

"Sure.  And, if I may say so, he does it pretty damn well."

"Fine, forget it then bitch, don't tell me.  I don't give a shit who the bastard is.  We're finished, Cindy Lou 'Ho!  Get the hell out of my cave!"

Wisely, she did just that.  That was the last she or any of the Whos heard of the Grinch.

For about a month and a half.


Losing his dear Cindy Lou caused the Grinch's heart to not only return to its original diminutive size, but to shrink one size smaller to the point that it resembled a shriveled up Monukka raisin and, even more significantly, he lost his fucking mind.  One night, he and his dog Max were sitting in the cave doing shots of Who-quila when the Grinch started singing to himself.

"Wah Who, Doray, Wah Who Doray Cindy Lou's a fucking whore.
Wah Who Doray, Wah Who Floray, kill some Whos and kill some more."

Okay, so he was no Cole Porter.

The Grinch and Max headed down to Whoville, where they wandered around in smoldering rage.  The Grinch was smoldering, that is. Max, on the other hand, really didn't give a damn.  He was about 231 in dog years by this point and it was all he could do to not shit on the sidewalk (though the Grinch would definitely have been okay with that sort of thing, especially on the streets of fucking Whoville).

As they passed the corner of  Horton Street and Lorax Blvd., the Grinch noticed a young couple smoking and giggling on the patio of a Who-kah Bar.  It was Cindy Lou and Jimmy "Just a Friend" Hee!  Without a word, the Grinch pulled out a Seuss and Wesson nine-millimeter semi-automatic and popped Jimmy in the back of the head.  Hee died instantly, while Max lost control of his bowels.  Cindy Lou just looked at her ex-husband and cried, "Why, Stanley, why?  Why did you murder my friend Jimmy?  Why?"

He shot her in the chest.

Stan "The Grinch" Wadsworth was convicted of multiple Who-icide and sentenced to life in prison.  Compared to his cave on Mount Crumpet, this was an upgrade in lifestyle.  He died in 2001 of natural causes, which is to say, another inmate shanked him.

Max is currently the mascot of the Whoville Fire Department.
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18 comments:

Eva Gallant said...

Well done! You realize you have the making's of a book here, with all your Whatever Happened to? stories. Put it together and get it published. It's such great stuff!

CatLadyLarew said...

Watt the Fuck? I think I've got it, now! One of the best Whatever Happened To? stories yet. (And yes, obviously Watt ever happened to Cindy Lou Who.)

J.J. said...

Hahahaha!!!

HAHAHAHA!!!

Awesome!

Grumpy, M.D. said...

Been working on that dialogue for a while, have we?

Bethany@ImperfectMom said...

Brilliant! I loved all of the Who-puns, but the Watt/Hee stuff was icing on the cake.

nonamedufus said...

And who's the guy that had the 3-way...I Don't Know. Very punny take, Abbot, but I still hold Grinch responsible for Keith Moon's death.

Mariann Simms said...

That was sooooooooo friggen terrific.

I agree...this has got to be your best "Whatever..." one yet! :)

The Good Cook said...

Hahaha.. I've always wondered what happened to that old Grinch.

Heff said...

I certainly hope you have your facts straight, or the Grinch could take you to court and "Who" your ass off for libel !

otin said...

Yuno who!!!! LMAO!!

A little bit of Abbott and Costello action thrown in there! That part was the best!

Suldog said...

Masterpiece. Bravo!

Jeff said...

Agree with some of the others -- this is your best yet. Nice job.

Jenn Flynn-Shon said...

Almost couldn't go on after Who-nukkah but really lost it at Seuss and Wesson.

Only thing that troubles me...What happened to Watt?

Linda Medrano said...

Watt is not Who I thought he would be.

MikeWJ at Too Many Mornings said...

Who-nukkah and Oa-Who.

Cute, Knuck, but not as clever as your hilarious alternate take on the classic "Who's on first?" joke. Nice work--including the natural causes-got shanked ending. Perfect.

Leeuna said...

I agree, this is your best "what ever happened to..." yet. It made me ell-O-ell all the way to the end.

Raine said...

My favorite so far!! The who's on first joke went on very long, but it was well worth it :)

Anonymous said...

this is the way a blog should be! thanks!

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