Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Hoarders: The Shampoo Edition

As you may recall, a few days ago I wrote about the oppression and disrespect that bald men (or, as we prefer to be called, "Shiny-Americans") have been putting up with for years.  We hear it from our friends and co-workers, we get ridiculed out in public, and even the mainstream media has gotten into the act with hairist caricatures like Mr. Clean.  I thought I'd gotten all that "anti-bald" frustration out of my system, but apparently not, because this morning I was the target of prejudice right in my own home.

I was getting dressed when Theresa called to me from the shower.  "Chris, can you go out to the hall cabinet and get me a new bottle of hair conditioner?"

First of all, what the hell is "hair conditioner"?  I vaguely remember shampoo, as I used it regularly until it became unnecessary in the mid-90's.  But more importantly here, what about my goddamn feelings?  Would you send a legless man down to Footlocker to pick you out a nice new pair of Air Jordans?  I doubt it.  When I opened the cabinet, though, I forgot all about Theresa's insensitivity because this is what I saw:

I mean, holy freaking crap, what is all that stuff?  Shampoo, hand soap, body gel, body wash (which is apparently not the same thing as body gel), air fresheners, hand lotion, two turtle doves and a partridge in a pear tree.  My God, she's a hoarder!  There's so much junk in there that if disaster were to strike leaving us trapped in our home, and assuming that we still had running water, Theresa's hair would be able to maintain its luster and bounce until approximately the year 2028.

Even so, I couldn't find the friggin' hair conditioner anywhere.  Oh, and please be advised that the large bottle of white stuff in the very front of the picture is NOT conditioner, it's shampoo.  That's important later on in the story.

"What's taking you so long out there?" hollered Theresa from the shower.

"I'm navigating my way through the Valley of the Lotions, give me a second!"

After knocking over a half-dozen squirters of hand soap and a couple hair sprays, I was able to locate a bottle of Alberto VO5 grapefruit mandarin splash Vitaburst volumizing conditioner which, according to the bottle, is bursting with vitamins B, C, and E.  I'm not making that up, it actually says, "bursting with vitamins B, C, and E."  The bottle also says "new", but given the ridiculous amount of shit Theresa has in the cabinet, this bottle may very well have been purchased in 1993.

I took the bottle to Theresa.  "You find it?"

"Yeah, all the way in the friggin' back."  We then engaged in the conversation that inspired this rant.

She then went to the cabinet and said, "Look, there's a bottle of conditioner right here in the front, I don't know how you missed it."  This was an attempt to either make me feel stupid or make herself feel better about the fact that she basically runs a shampoo museum.

"Let me see that," I said.

She handed me the bottle, a smug look upon her face.

I read the label.  Suave coconut shampoo.

"Look here," I said triumphantly.  "SHAMPOO!"

"Oh," she said.

Damn right, "oh".  Somebody got sham-punked.


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J.J. said...

Hey, how'd you get into my cabinet???

It's a girl thing. I suggest you refrain from looking in her makeup drawer. You'll want to pull out your hair and, well, you know.

Grumpy, M.D. said...

Yeah, my wife has a cabinet like that, with shampoo, conditioner, hand lotion, etc. Except all of the bottles are the same size and say "Hampton Inn".

Eva Gallant said...

Teresa is totally insensitive to send a "shiny man" to fetch her a hair product!

Homemaker Man said...

I'm sorry, I missed the end of this post. I was combing.

Michelle H. said...

I vaguely remember shampoo, as I used it regularly until it became unnecessary in the mid-90's. But more importantly here, what about my goddamn feelings? Would you send a legless man down to Footlocker to pick you out a nice new pair of Air Jordans? I doubt it.

Okay, mister. Now, I understand the anger when concerning the Shiny Americans when involving stereotypes. But don't go overly righteous as to think we "follicly unchallenged" should feel ashamed for making any mentions about our own hair while amongst you.

Quirkyloon said...

Tee hee. "sham-punked"

Tee hee hee.

And I think it's time for you to go to group: Bald Americans, No Eagles Allowed.

Tee hee

Heff said...

I'm trying to embrace my impending baldness with GRACE, but after reading this, I can tell I'm in for an uphill battle !

IT said...

There's another side to this... and I don't mean it's two-sided.

What I want to know is why those vertically challenged of the distaff persuasion believe that any shelf in any closet or cabinet is theirs to fill. Why am I the one who has to get a ladder when I need something from the cabinet?

Cashier said...

I do the same thing. All the bottles look the same, so when I think I have a lot of conditioner left, it's actually all shampoo. ;-)

middle child said...

Hoarder???? You must be kidding. In fact, I'm thinking a GOOD husband would give her the credit card and tell her to knock herself out at TJ Maxx. Hell, I still have baby shampoo and my youngest is 33 yrs. old.

middle child said...

Opps. Forgot the main thing I wanted to say,...Bsld men are Sexy!!!

Nicky said...

Now I keep hearing the REM song "Shiny Happy People" in my head!

Suldog said...

Again, I feel your pain. We have five bottles of various hair gunk in our shower. I use Suave Lavender Shampoo, not because I need it for my non-existent hair, but because I like the smell of it and it's the nearest thing to just plain soap.

Jeff said...

One major sign that women are purchasing too much bathroom stuff is when they have to store it in the hall cabinet. But at least Theresa does that, presumably giving you some room for your razor and toothbrush, right? Those are the only two things a guy needs. Well, also deodorant (most of us, anyway).

"Somebody got sham-punked." Nice one.

Beth said...

I'm impressed! Obviously, you know how to read the big words. I'm still trying to teach my husband.

Bethany@ImperfectMom said...

Yep-totally a girl thing. I have so many products that my poor husband decided to move out of the master bath, and now shares one with the kids so he has a place to keep his razor.

nonamedufus said...

Is that what one might call a hair-brained post?

Funny Girl said...

Sham-punked. I like that word!

~jill said...

I can't believe Theresa is sooo insensitive. She should take you out for a romantic dinner to make it up to you.

MikeWJ at Too Many Mornings said...

It's great being married, ain't it, Knuck? My wife has more money invested in shampoo and conditioner than we have invested in the stock market, and that includes when the market was good.

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