Monday, June 28, 2010

Will Power Didn't Stand a Chance

It's summertime once again, and as usual I'm trying to drop a few pounds so I look decent at the beach.  Not that I ever go to the beach, but I think you understand what I'm trying to say.  To be clear about this, and admittedly there may be an element of denial in play here, I do not consider myself to be a "fat person."  As I've said before, I am still comfortably on the "bald guy" side of the "fat guy/bald guy scale."  For those of you unfamiliar with this system, here's how it works.  If I were sitting at Starbucks drinking my Tazo Chai Creme Frapuccino and you happened to glance my way, your initial thought would be, "Hey, look at that bald guy over there."   Therefore, I am a bald guy who could stand to lose a few pounds.  If your first thought was, "Hey, check out that fat tub of goo," well, that's another story entirely.

Anyway, in my ongoing effort to remain on the "bald guy" side of the equation, I have started yet another diet.  My fiance Theresa has decided to join me in this endeavor.  So the other morning, she asked me the simple question, "What are you having for lunch?"

"I dunno, probably yogurt and maybe some tuna," I said.


"What do you mean, 'oh'?"

"Well, we need to go to the grocery store to pick up dog food so I thought maybe we could stop somewhere for lunch."

"Okay," I said.  "How about Subway?"  A happy medium, I thought.  Filling, tasty, somewhat within the limits of my diet.

"Sure, I guess."

So we went to the market and bought the dog food.  On the way back to the car, Theresa noticed a Baskin Robbins in the same shopping center.

"Hey, I've been wanting to try out that Baseball Nut Sundae," she said.

Let me explain something real quick.  Dieting is not all that difficult for me.  I can resist temptation.  However, when Major Temptation joins forces with Master Sergeant Theresa, well, that's more than I can handle.  It's impossible to fight the Battle of the Bulge on two fronts.

"Fine," I said.  "Let's go get some ice cream.  But if that Baseball Nut Sundae comes in a protective cup, I'm outta there."

"You sure you don't mind putting off the diet another day?" she asked.  After all that, it's now my decision.

"Yeah, why the hell not?"

So we had the sundaes.  Still, if we stayed on our diet the rest of the day and did an extra session at the gym, it'd probably be fine.  We got in the car headed over to Subway.

"Oooh, look," said Theresa.  "Let's go to Sonic Burgers!"

"You're kidding, right?"

"No, doesn't that sound great?"

Anything you say, Sergeant.  Private Spineless reporting for duty.

I pulled into the Sonic drive-thru and ordered our meals.  She got the burger and Tater Tots, I got the double cheeseburger and Tater Tots.  Jenny Craig, kiss my fat ass.

Speaking of Jenny Craig, I forgot to mention that just last week Theresa spent a not insignificant amount of money on Jenny Craig food.  Packages of granola bars, low-calorie meals, and healthy desserts gathered dust in our pantry while Theresa and I stuffed our faces with burgers and ice cream.  But I digress.

As we were in the drive-thru waiting to pay, Theresa said to me, "Hey, you've got a weird pocket of fat right there."

Now, I was looking out the window so I didn't know what specific "pocket of fat" she was looking at.  Sadly, there were a couple different possibilities.  Still, after basically brow-beating me into the ice cream and burgers, I was in no mood to hear about my excess blubber.

"You didn't just say that," I replied.

"Maybe I didn't say it exactly the right way."

"Oh, no, it's fine.  How could anyone possibly misconstrue the phrase 'weird-looking pocket of fat'?  And what pocket of fat, if I may ask, are you referring to?"

"Right there, on your hand.  Look."

Apparently, she thought that the fleshy part of my hand between my thumb and index finger could stand to drop a couple pounds.  I didn't react well.

"Let me get this straight," I said, voice rising slightly.  "I wanted to have yogurt for lunch.  Then I compromised and agreed we'd go to Subway.  THEN you talked me into ice cream and THEN you wanted to come here to Sonic.  And now you have the nerve to say my fucking hands are too fat!?  Well, excuse me, maybe I can watch infomercials tonight and see if Suzanne Somers is selling the Thumb-Master or something so I can slim them down a bit!"  I snatched my change from the hand of a completely innocent and unsuspecting cashier.  Great, now I'm a fat asshole.

Theresa was somewhat taken aback by my outrage.  "Maybe it's just muscle.  Yes, I'm sure that's what it is, muscle.  You're so strong."

"Yeah, shut up and finish your Tater Tots."


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Grumpy, M.D. said...

Maybe you should go on another cruise. I hear they're excellent places for losing weight.

Heff said...

Heff digs the Sonic.

Suldog said...

I refuse to get either of you on my bad side so no comment.

Quirkyloon said...

I think fat hands are sexy. hee hee

Quirkyloon said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Uncle Skip, said...

We have a Sonic around here somewhere, but it's only ten miles to the nearest In-n-Out. I'm not sure where the Baskin-Robbins is, but there's a mom n' pop I scream store not too far away.
I almost wish I was bald so as to distract folks from seeing what's happened to my waistline.

J.J. said...

Hahahahaha!!!!!!!! Good thing no one's here right now. They'd wonder why I'm imitating a hyena.

Sonic moved in recently and I've been resisting, but if you can put off your diet for 1 more day, so can I. Where are my car keys?

I would never go on a diet with my man. I can't talk him into anything once he's set his mind to something. Theresa's a lucky woman!

otin said...

You missed your calling in life! You could do like a little one man stage thing where you just tell these stories. you would be a sorta bald but not too fat Bill Cosby type! haha

I missed your sunday roast so I am going to take a look now.

f8hasit said...

I went on a blind date once and halfway through our meal he said, "You've got big hands." Capable, I thought...I've got capable hands. These are hands that can DO things...

Like stangle him if needed.
Obviously, the date didn't go well after that.

BTW...Sonic is much better than yogurt.

screwdestiny said...

LOL! A couple things to comment on... First of all, who the hell breaks their diet for Sonic? The only good stuff there is the drinks and ice cream. At least get a good fast food burger like Burger King or something. Second of all, it probably is muscle. My ex was very overweight yet had the biggest muscle between his thumb and index finger that I'd ever seen on a guy.

nonamedufus said...

Theresa diet = 1
Fat, bald guy diet = 0

Peter Varvel said...

Years ago, Kathy got upset when I suggested that our constant indulging, whenever we got together, was a poor substitute for sex/intimacy . . . but she eventually agreed.
Just another option to consider (and throw into an already messy equation).

Jenn Flynn-Shon said...

Ah yes. We are very well versed in the diet dance in our house too.

FabuLeslie said...

Ha! I had a 2.5 year relationship where we did this with our diets every month or so. Each of us would play each role at different times. I can totally relate! Maddening!

jason said...

omfg if that sundea comes in a protective cup im out of here comment was golden

MikeWJ at Too Many Mornings said...

Wives are so not helpful sometimes.

I love your fat guy/bald guy scale. But I would need to add one more category: Old guy. So now it's fat guy/bald guy/old guy. I'm not sure where I fall on this scale, but I'm sure I don't want to know.

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