Saturday, June 5, 2010

Some People Just Need to Be Executed

Today, kids, we're going to be discussing everyone's favorite topic, the death penalty.  As hot-button issues go, the death penalty doesn't quite inspire the same blind rage and utter insanity as, say, abortion, but it ranks well above the never-ending "who'd you rather nail, Mary Ann or Ginger?" debate.  Everyone has an opinion on whether or not we should kill our nation's criminals, and arguments are bound to ensue whenever the topic comes up.

The pro crowd is always quick to point out that our prison system is not designed to rehabilitate America's sociopaths.  Sure, if a guy does five years for grand theft auto he may, upon release, think twice before hot-wiring that Dodge Viper.  But let's face it, the nut case who's doing time on death row because he raped and murdered fifteen Wesleyan University sophomores and then dined on their spleens while wearing his grandmother's underwear and singing "I'm a Lumberjack and I'm OK," well, for that guy, rehabilitation is pretty much out of the question.

On the other hand, the anti-death penalty crowd usually invokes the "two wrongs don't make a right" argument, insisting that murder is wrong even if it's a thrice-convicted unrepentant child-molesting serial killer that's getting the needle.  "Killing the criminal won't bring back the victim," they say.  Well, no, it won't.  But it will probably make the victim's family feel better and, honestly, is the world going to be worse off because Hubert "The Carlyle Pedophile" McGibbon is dead instead of just locked away?

Personally, I'm a big fan of the death penalty, I'd go so far as to say we don't use it often enough.  Obviously I'm all for taking out the rapists and murderers, but why stop there?  I mean, just because the asshole standing over there on the corner hasn't killed anybody, does that make him a worthwhile human being?  I say, "not necessarily."

Let me be clear on this.  I'm not talking about those among us who are useless and pathetic in a quiet, harmless sort of way.  I know plenty of people who contribute nothing to society, but they're not pissing anyone off either.  We can safely leave those folks alone, no problem.

But I truly believe that the death penalty laws should include the following provision:

"Any person who demonstrates through his actions that he is a completely worthless piece of shit with no redeeming characteristics whatsoever shall be put to death.  The manner of execution shall be determined by those who have been victimized by said person."

Meet Matthew Clemmens, a 21-year old degenerate asshole from Cherry Hill, New Jersey.  On April 14, Matthew and a buddy (let's call him Douchebag) were attending a Phillies game at Citizens Bank Ballpark in Philadelphia.  After taking full advantage of the stadium's "we're only supposed to serve two beers per customer but who's counting, wink, wink" alcohol policy, Douchebag began heckling, swearing at, and eventually spitting upon fans in the area.  One such fan, an off-duty police officer, took exception to Douchebag and Matthew's belligerence, and asked them to please refrain from their disruptive behavior because his 11- and 15- year old daughters were bothered by it (I'm paraphrasing, the officer/dad may have phrased his request a bit differently).

Douchebag, however, did not heed the father's warning and continued his antics.  Security was summoned, and Douchebag was escorted from the premises.

And that's when the fun really began.

Matthew was allowed to remain in the stadium, and instead of doing what a rational, non-shit-faced person  would have done, that is, shut the fuck up and watch the game, he decided to avenge the persecution of his good friend Douchebag.  Tapping into his inner Karen Carpenter[1], Matthew stuck his fingers down his throat and made himself vomit all over the 11-year old girl.

You read that correctly.  He fucking puked on a kid.  On purpose.

One can only imagine the horror that poor girl experienced.  Needless to say, stadium officials and the local police immediately apprehended Matthew and from the looks of his mug shot, well, they weren't shy about using "reasonable force." 

Now, to be fair about it, I'll admit that I do not know Matthew Clemmens.  Perhaps he's a really nice young man who donates money to children's hospitals, volunteers for the Special Olympics, and spends his weekends making tuna fish sandwiches and delivering them to a local homeless shelter.  Maybe he's a member of the Cherry Hill Episcopalian Boys Choir, and enjoys feeding the pigeons in the park every Sunday afternoon.  I suppose it's possible that his actions on that April day in Philly were completely out of character and in no way represent the wonderful, caring human being that Matthew Clemmens really is.

But probably not.

I'm betting that Matthew is precisely the beer-barfing, foul-mouthed, Santa Claus-hating lowlife that he appears to be, and as such, I say we execute the fucker.  According to my new law, the puked-upon child would get to determine how ol' Matthew would be put to death.

And with a police officer for a father, I'll bet she could come up with a really good one.  Something like covering the bastard with A-1 Steak Sauce and tossing him into the lion habitat at the Philadelphia Zoo.  Beer-basted asshole, family style.

I'll bet the lions would eat until they puked.

[1] For you younger folks, Karen Carpenter was a 1970's folk singer who suffered from bulimia, or maybe it was anorexia, anyway, one of those diseases where you think you're fat and make yourself vomit whenever you eat something.


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Eva Gallant said...

That definitely was disgusting behaviour! It does give support to your theory!

Shawn said...

When someone looks like that guy, do we even need to wait for a reason?

Quirkyloon said...

Oh my heck that is truly disgusting.

On another note, I appreciate your compassion for folks like ME.

"I'm not talking about those among us who are useless and pathetic in a quiet, harmless sort of way. I know plenty of people who contribute nothing to society, but they're not pissing anyone off either. We can safely leave those folks alone, no problem."

Thank you Knucklehead (as I wipe away tears from useless eyes).


Such compassion! It moves me.

Maggie said...

I agree with you wholeheartedly. I like the idea of using the death penalty more, as well as adding to the requirements.

Bethany@ImperfectMom said...

I totally agree! At the very least, they should have lined up the rest of the drunks in the stadium, and had them take turns barfing on him. An eye for an eye, you know?

Little Ms Blogger said...

How low of a human being do you have to be to throw up on a 11 year old girl that did nothing to you?

His parents must be real proud of him.

CatLadyLarew said...

Do you think drowning him in a barrel of his own vomit would be appropriate?

corticoWhat said...

"Thou shalt not kill" does not come with a list of exceptions.

Chris@Knucklehead! said...

@corticoWhat: Fair point, and that's another argument that the anti-death penalty crowd uses. But then, this piece is actually tongue in cheek as I'm sure you realize. I don't truly believe we should kill this idiot.

Barf-and-feathering, perhaps?

Michelle H. said...

I'm not prone to violence, and I'm never sure when it comes to the death penalty (for or against - I walk the line on that one). But it's people like this I can see need a major attitude adjusting, especially when there is a lion chomping on his a**.

I could add two people to that list also...

ReformingGeek said...

Wait. Wait. Let's recycle. Can't we feed him to the lions?

Viv said...

That is so gross. Someone should puke on him. On his head. Twice. NO. Three times. And he can't wash it off for an hour.

What a jerk.

KaLynn said...

That makes me want to make the other eye match the closed and blue eye!

He totally needs a BIG attitude adjustment!

Tgoette said...

I have to agree with you on this!

I've always maintained that if we are going to perpetuate the lives of these evil scumbags, then we should use them as living organ donors and see to it that their existence is not a total waste.

Stop by, I have something for you!

Suldog said...

Does this mean I can off A-Rod?

IT said...

Everyone serves a purpose; even if it's only as a bad example. About the only thing I can think that I might enjoy seeing as a way of punishment would be to have him set on the baseball field and then turn a couple of fans with Tasers loose to catch him.

Mariann Simms said...

Well, I agree with you on the death penalty thing...altho I'd have to say he should be working every day of the remainder of his life in a cruddy bar cleaning the bathrooms/toilets. He gets to live off the earnings he finds on the floor there.

After people find out who's cleaning the floor there...and that his only source of income is what he manages to pull out of the toilet and pick up off the urine-soaked/feces-splattered floor...all "fun" should probably break out.

Jenn Thorson said...

How about drowning in a vat of beer barf?

Sort of a Charlie and the Chocolate Factory style justice. The Augustus Gloop method.

But with beer puke.

Okay, that officially IS the most disgusting thing I've written today. :)

Heff said...

Yeah, I remember MY first beer....

Chris said...

Believe this or not, my ex-high school sweetheart (we just turned 40, btw) has been permanently banned from Cleveland Browns stadium for vomiting on a child. He didn't do it on purpose, like this asshole, but he was so drunk that he puked on the kid of the season ticketholder in front of him. He's tried several times to sneak back in, but go figure, the security guards remember who he is (also being 6'3" and 350 pounds doesn't help either).

screwdestiny said...

LOVED this post. I'm in favor of the death penalty as well. I don't care that two wrongs don't make a right. What it does make is one less terrible person living off of our tax money. And I think you're right about people who don't even kill deserving it sometimes. It'd probably make the world a better place if people knew that acting like total pieces of shit could get them executed.

~becky~ said...

I must say Chris, I haven't read your blog for awhile, but I think I came back on a high note with this one. And I agree and found the reference to Karen Carpenter to be quite tactful. And thank you for the footnote at the bottom...for us young'uns, I found it quite informative! ;)

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