Saturday, May 8, 2010

Note From Me, Who Is Newton

Hello, kind humans who have no fur.  It is me, the dog who is Newton.  You may wonder how I am able to write on computer.  I will explain.

Theresa, who is mom, has taken care of me since I was a puppy.  She is nice.  She gives me food, lets me sleep under warm covers, and most of all does not talk scary to me or poke me with a metal stick if I happen to make minor mistake, like some big bald human I could mention.  Mom, who is Theresa, showed me how to hack into this website so I, who is Newton, can respond to a very mean letter.  My typing is slow because I have to use a pencil which I am chewing in my mouth and will probably get yelled at for later.

The bald human at my house, who is Chris, wrote to me telling me all the reasons he thinks that I, who is Newton, am a bad dog.  Let me first say that dogs, who are cute and friendly, have feelings that are hurt by words like "Flea-face" and "mutt" and "pathetic."  We much prefer humans to say things like "good dog" and "come here, boy" and "here is another yummy Tater Tot for you, Newton."  When Theresa, who is mom, read me all the mean words the bald human wrote, I went to my soft bed and curled up with Fuzzy Duck until I felt better.  Well, first I went into the bald human's closet which he carelessly left open and I made peepee on his shoes again, but then the soft bed and Fuzzy Duck and the feeling better.

In my house there is another dog, who is Munson and hogs all the toys (except Fuzzy Duck who I hide in secret spot).  Munson is the bald human's favorite dog, and gets more than his fair share of the Tater Tots, bacon, and Cheez-Its.  I only get a treat if one falls to the floor by mistake and I out-quick Munson to it.  I usually do, because Munson has wide butt and is sort of slow.  Otherwise, the bald human ignores me even when I shake pitifully and look cute, which is always.  Munson is favorite because he does whatever the bald human says.  Get off the bed, Munson.  Go outside, Munson.  Come here, Munson.  Human says, Munson does.

Munson is puppy-whipped.

So anyway, bald human is mad because I, who is Newton, sleep on his pillow, sometimes accidentally-on-purpose make peepee on his stuff, and go exploring the neighborhood because the yard is easy to escape.

First one is obvious, I sleep on pillow because it is next to Theresa while she sleeps and I have to protect her from bad things.  Also, pillow is warm and snuggly.  If someone would get Newton, who is me, a big fluffy pillow and put it by the human bed on the floor, problem will be solved.

Next, the peepee.  Making peepee on stuff is how dogs say, "That is mine."  That is why I make little bit of peepee on my soft bed, trees outside, and Fuzzy Duck who did not seem to mind.  The bald human's shoes are not mine, but I make peepee on them anyway because it is funny when he turns red and chases me into his room, where I hide under his bed.  Dogs do not laugh, but on the inside it makes me crack up.  Except when he uses the metal stick to poke me in the side, which hurts. So now I, who is Newton, have to wear a stupid-looking pair of shorts when I'm in the house, which is embarrassing.  But sooner or later I will figure out how to take off the shorts (maybe I can bribe Munson with a Tater Tot and he will help me).  And then I will find the fancy shoes and have a peepee party.

Also, sometimes I get bored of my back yard, which has stickers that hurt when they get in my paws.  The side gate is easy to get through (for me, but not for Munson, who has wide butt like I said before) so of course I escaped to go find stuff.  I wasn't running away, I just got lost when the mean and ugly cat chased me.  I was happy when the gray-haired man next door, who throws me treats over the wall when Theresa and bald human are at work, found me and took me home those three times.  But now there is some kind of wire on gate so I can't get out anymore. 

So now you know the truth.  I, who is Newton, am a good dog who is unfairly treated by bald human who skimps on the treats and talks scary to me.  But I will tell you this.  If some night a bad person sneaks into my house and tries to hurt the bald human, I will jump up and rip the bad person's face right off.

That is because even though the bald human is not perfect, he is one of my people family so Newton, who is me, loves him.  Even more than Tater Tots, which is a lot.


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18 comments:

Expat From Hell said...

Newton is damned funny, just like his "ghost writer". He makes readers go pee-pee in their pants even while they sit on their couches thousand miles away and read blogs. EFH

Quirkyloon said...

Apparently, Munson is not the ONLY one "puppy-whipped."

You old softie you!

And...

You stink.

Of dog pee.

Ha!

WannabeVirginia W. said...

Awww, poor newton, Newton good dog. Go poopie in bald human's shoes. That's okay if Munson gets more treats, he will get more fat. Not healthy to be fat.

Poor Newton. Sad story.

Linnnn said...

I, who is Linnnn, sometimes put a little peepee on things, but not because I claim them.

I am just laughing hard.

Viv said...

Newton is friggin hilarious! I think he deserves a Tater Tot for writing that whole blog.

Leeuna said...

Newton, you are a very handsome pup and you write really well. And the shorts look okay, honest. They don't make your butt look fat or anything.

I don't blame you for making peepee on the bald human's shoes. Next time he pokes you with a stick, you should make peepee on his head.

Eva Gallant said...

Newton is brilliant!

ReformingGeek said...

Ok, Not-Teresa, you be nice to that Newton. He seems such a nice pup!

;-)

Happy Frog and I said...

Very funny post, really enjoyed it. Woof!

Heff said...

Hey ! Who's Newton calling a "kind human with no fur" ?!?!?

CatLadyLarew said...

I, who is CatLady, heart Newton!

BobbyH3 said...

that dog, who is Newton, is too funny

Suldog said...

Newton, your equanimity is stunning. From one (sometimes) bad dog to another, I salute you!

Surfie said...

Newton, I hereby declare that all Tater Tots that come my way will officially be yours! (Because I hate Tater Tots.) Please don't make peepee on my shoes when I refuse to share my bacon and Cheez-Its.

Chris@Knucklehead! said...

You're in big trouble for this, Newton. Such a drama queen. Like Theresa doesn't give you more cookies, french fries, and everything else than you can handle. Shame on you for trying to convince my readers that you're a poor, mistreated puppy.

And get off my pillow. NOW.

Chris@Knucklehead! said...

Oh, and I love you too, ya goofy mutt.

Frank Lee MeiDere said...

This post has inspired me to pass along the Sunshine Award to you. Yep, an award for "positivity" and "inspiration." Someone goofed and gave it to me -- my blog, of course, being called "I Don't Give A Damn," previously called "I Probably Don't Like You." Drop by, pick it up. Let Newton piss on it. Whatever.

And as always, great writing.

Candy's daily Dandy said...

Boy that bald man is a lucky guy. you Newton is very cute....

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