Monday, December 14, 2009

What Ever Happened To . . . Mayor McCheese?


Michael McCheese was elected mayor of McDonaldland in November, 1972 in a landslide over the little-known and long-since-forgotten incumbent Mayor Vincent Vatagrese.  McCheese served as mayor for sixteen years, bringing about great change in McDonaldland, including drive-thru windows, the Egg McMuffin and, of course, the ever-popular McRib.

But despite his many accomplishments, the McCheese Administration was fraught with scandal and controversy.

In 1974, McDonald's arch-rival Burger King launched a national advertising campaign, encouraging its customers to "Have it Your Way." In an effort to put the brakes on the competition's rising popularity, unidentified McCheese staffers bugged Burger King headquarters, hoping to steal recipe secrets and advertising strategy.  A Burger King security guard discovered the break-in, and several McDonald's officials were implicated. McCheese denied any knowledge of the incident, however, investigators found a recording of McCheese and Grimace talking about using Officer Big Mac to obstruct the FBI's investigation of the Burger King break-ins.

McDonaldland Post reporters Bob McWoodward and Carl Burgerstein continued to uncover evidence that supported claims that Mayor McCheese was involved in the cover-up.  The scandal became known as "Burgergate" and many of McCheese's advisors encouraged the mayor to resign before he was impeached from office.  This, however, would prove unnecessary when Burger King dropped all charges against McCheese and his associates in exchange for a large sum of cash and the recipe for McDonald's french fries.

Burgergate was not the only scandal to rock the mayor's office.  In 1988, McCheese was accused of sexual assault, allegedly accosting a young fast-food entrepreneur at a restaurant convention in New York.

"All I wanted to do was say hello," remembers the victim, known only as Wendy. "I'd always admired Mayor McCheese and the McDonald's corporation, and I was hoping to get some ideas for my own restaurants.  I approached him in the hotel lobby and introduced myself.  To my surprise, he said that he was familiar with my restaurants.  He told me that he'd like to get to know more about my buns, and I expressed interest in his Big Mac.  He also mentioned that he was looking into a concept known as super-sizing, which sounded like a great idea.  We talked for a few more minutes, and he suggested that I come up to his room so he could show me his recipe for special sauce.  Well, once we got to his room, I suddenly realized that only one of us had been talking about hamburgers."

Humiliated, Wendy didn't mention the incident for almost six months, but by then it didn't matter anymore.

Shortly after the incident with Wendy, McCheese traveled to Los Angeles for a "business meeting."  While in L.A., McCheese took the opportunity to see his favorite musical, Cheeses Priced, Superstar.  An unidentified assailant approached McCheese's box from behind, put a gun to his head, and pulled the trigger.  Due to the hilarious yet freakish composition of McCheese's head, paramedics on the scene had difficulty identifying what was blood and what was ketchup.  At one point, a frustrated EMT was heard yelling, "Well, why don't YOU taste it if it's so damn important?!"

McCheese was rushed to Sesame Seeders Sinai Hospital, and a team of surgeons and neurologists worked to save the mayor's life.  Extensive cranial damage forced the doctors to remove McCheese's patties, buns, cheese and condiments.  The operation was technically a success, but all that remained of the mayor were pickles, tomatoes and onions kept alive in a refrigerator.  McCheese remained in this vegetative state until 1990 when his family finally permitted doctors to pull the plug.

The gunman was never apprehended, although several witnesses reported seeing a clown-like figure with an abnormally large head leaving the theater shortly after the attempted murder.


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31 comments:

MikeWJ at Too Many Mornings said...

Another Knucklehead classic! Seriously, I think you ought to collect these in a book. Of course, now you owe me for the idea.

Quirkyloon said...

Oh my goodness!

That poor Wendy! She should have gotten Elliot and Olivia from the popular show, Law and Burgers, investigating her case!

bun bun

Eva Gallant said...

Loved this one, too! He's right! They are marketable material!

Brndoutw8ress said...

These are great and I agree: they should be marketed and sold across the world! Where do you come up with this stuff? It is fantastic!

Grumpy, M.D. said...

Wasn't the nickname Carl "Junior" Burgerstein?

Jenn Thorson said...

Wow- I think you surpassed even yourself with this one.

You know, I heard the Chicken McNugget Guys had left McDonaldland to form an all-white-meat pop band, called N'Sauce.

M.J. said...

Rampant corruption, scandal and crime, oh my! "Vatagrese"--love it!

Surfie said...

"Cheeses Priced, Superstar" - Brilliant! And I agree with everyone else. I would definitely buy a book full of posts like these.

Moooooog35 said...

I totally thought I ate that bastard in the 8th grade and NOW you tell me he escaped?!?

Who the Hell did I ingest, then?

Michelle H. said...

Oh my! This has to be one of the most disturbing pieces I have ever read. Brrr...

Poor Wendy! I wonder what affect this had on her.

Love it!

Ice Queen said...

Poor Wendy...she was always a little on the naive side anyway.

Suldog said...

"McCheese remained in this vegetative state..."

Cracked me up. I had printed this out, to read while I was on my smoke break, and I almost choked to death.

By the way, from the comments above, you should now see that I was right. This is a book waiting to make you scads of money (which you deserve.)

Judge Fudge said...

Oh, come on! We all know Wendy was asking for it! You don't ask to see a man's "Big Mac" unless you're interested in a little meat.

nonamedufus said...

Priceless, Knucklehead. I now know why they call Wendy "Frosty".

~jill said...

goodness...your followers are in fine form today....

great post and wonderful comments! great way to start the day! =D

The Good Cook said...

Another great contribution to the "Whatever Happened" series. Everyone at my house loves these stories. Book? You really should.. this would make great bathroom reading... right next to Uncle John's Bathroom reader.. think about it.

ReformingGeek said...

Dear Knucklehead,

It's been very hard for me to talk about the incident. Reading your post today has finally brought closure to that horrible time in my life.


I am now a vegetarian and was disappointed to hear that the plug was pulled. I could have had lunch.

In other news, Carl and I broke up but Jack and I have started dating and it's getting serious.

Thanks for a wonderful post.

Signed,

Wendy


;-)

Lora said...

ah ha ha ha!

so much better than the "he looked too much like HR Puffinstuff so we had to off him" story that McD's is sticking too!

Carl Vine said...

I'll take three books to start. Can you have them ready by Christmas 2010?

Noelle said...

that was hilarious! i love the wendy reference...and the special sauce...! what a hoot! keep 'em coming, knucklehead!

Amy Mullis said...

Now my Happy Meal is downright hysterical!

Amy Mullis said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Amy Mullis said...

It just wasn't clever enough to say twice!

otin said...

McWoodword and Burgerstein! LMAO!!

Burgergate. Funny stuff. Poor Mayor, reduced to a vegetative state!

Mr. Knucklehead said...

Thanks for the nice comments, everyone. Anyone with advice on how to get these in front of a publisher (since you guys seem to think I should), I'd love to hear it!

Jules said...

Submit to agents, I think I smell a New Year's Resolution coming on...
In the meantime, could you please give us an update on Emmit Otter and his Jug Band?

jdemott said...

My favorite coinages were, "Mayor Vincent Vatagrese" and "Sesame Seeders Sinai Hospital."

Was waiting to hear a spin on the flame broiling at BK, and more about Jack In The Box, which was seemingly a bigger competition for McDonald's in my home town in the 70s than BK.

I kept hearing the "two all-beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions, on a sesame seed bun" jingle in my head and was pleased to see the components worked in.

Beth said...

Great story.

I'm with Jules. I'd love an update on Emmett Otter and his Jug Band.

Now I'm craving BBQ.

Jeanne said...

Wow. Fast food is a lot faster than I realized.

Dave "Loose Cannon" Wills said...

Amazing!! I too would definitely buy a book of these. You should most definitely copyright this and sell these. Marketable is an understatement!

I always suspected that anyone with a head that big and wearing a crown with that suspiciously looking huge smile/grin painted on their face was up to no good! I think he definitely did. Heard rumors that two notorious misspelling cows were also rumored to be behind the hit.

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