What Ever Happened To . . . Mayor McCheese?

Michael McCheese was elected mayor of McDonaldland in November, 1972 in a landslide over the little-known and long-since-forgotten incumbent Mayor Vincent Vatagrese.  McCheese served as mayor for sixteen years, bringing about great change in McDonaldland, including drive-thru windows, the Egg McMuffin and, of course, the ever-popular McRib.

But despite his many accomplishments, the McCheese Administration was fraught with scandal and controversy.

In 1974, McDonald's arch-rival Burger King launched a national advertising campaign, encouraging its customers to "Have it Your Way." In an effort to put the brakes on the competition's rising popularity, unidentified McCheese staffers bugged Burger King headquarters, hoping to steal recipe secrets and advertising strategy.  A Burger King security guard discovered the break-in, and several McDonald's officials were implicated. McCheese denied any knowledge of the incident, however, investigators found a recording of McCheese and Grimace talking about using Officer Big Mac to obstruct the FBI's investigation of the Burger King break-ins.

McDonaldland Post reporters Bob McWoodward and Carl Burgerstein continued to uncover evidence that supported claims that Mayor McCheese was involved in the cover-up.  The scandal became known as "Burgergate" and many of McCheese's advisors encouraged the mayor to resign before he was impeached from office.  This, however, would prove unnecessary when Burger King dropped all charges against McCheese and his associates in exchange for a large sum of cash and the recipe for McDonald's french fries.

Burgergate was not the only scandal to rock the mayor's office.  In 1988, McCheese was accused of sexual assault, allegedly accosting a young fast-food entrepreneur at a restaurant convention in New York.

"All I wanted to do was say hello," remembers the victim, known only as Wendy. "I'd always admired Mayor McCheese and the McDonald's corporation, and I was hoping to get some ideas for my own restaurants.  I approached him in the hotel lobby and introduced myself.  To my surprise, he said that he was familiar with my restaurants.  He told me that he'd like to get to know more about my buns, and I expressed interest in his Big Mac.  He also mentioned that he was looking into a concept known as super-sizing, which sounded like a great idea.  We talked for a few more minutes, and he suggested that I come up to his room so he could show me his recipe for special sauce.  Well, once we got to his room, I suddenly realized that only one of us had been talking about hamburgers."

Humiliated, Wendy didn't mention the incident for almost six months, but by then it didn't matter anymore.

Shortly after the incident with Wendy, McCheese traveled to Los Angeles for a "business meeting."  While in L.A., McCheese took the opportunity to see his favorite musical, Cheeses Priced, Superstar.  An unidentified assailant approached McCheese's box from behind, put a gun to his head, and pulled the trigger.  Due to the hilarious yet freakish composition of McCheese's head, paramedics on the scene had difficulty identifying what was blood and what was ketchup.  At one point, a frustrated EMT was heard yelling, "Well, why don't YOU taste it if it's so damn important?!"

McCheese was rushed to Sesame Seeders Sinai Hospital, and a team of surgeons and neurologists worked to save the mayor's life.  Extensive cranial damage forced the doctors to remove McCheese's patties, buns, cheese and condiments.  The operation was technically a success, but all that remained of the mayor were pickles, tomatoes and onions kept alive in a refrigerator.  McCheese remained in this vegetative state until 1990 when his family finally permitted doctors to pull the plug.

The gunman was never apprehended, although several witnesses reported seeing a clown-like figure with an abnormally large head leaving the theater shortly after the attempted murder.


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