Saturday, December 12, 2009

Lucifer's Grandma

I was sitting on my couch plowing through a carton of Ben and Jerry's Chunky Monkey ice cream and watching The Biggest Loser when it occurred to me that maybe it's time to do something about my eating habits.

On the TV screen, a 420-pound behemoth named Danny was wheezing his way through a one mile "run".

Jesus, how can someone just let themselves go like that? I wondered, as a shoveled another spoonful of ice cream into my gaping maw.

At that point, a friendly little gnome named Irony tapped me on the shoulder and whispered, "Uh, dude, you're not exactly svelte yourself.  How's the ice cream?"

In my defense, I'm nowhere near 420 pounds, but Irony's point was well-taken.  Time to start eating better and visit the gym more often.  I've been down this road before.  I'll get in shape, then put on some weight, work it off again, etc., etc.  It's not hard for me to lose the extra poundage once I make the commitment, but it's that first step that's the toughest.

Okay, so I've been on this diet for a couple weeks now, and it's driving me crazy.  I rarely eat breakfast anyway, so that's not a problem, and for lunch I'll have a salad and for dinner some chicken or steak and veggies.  No snacking, and that's the tough part.  Long story short, I'm friggin' starving all the time.

The other day for lunch, I went to the grocery store to buy my usual chef salad and low-fat dressing.  I parked my car and started walking through the parking lot, heading for the entrance.  Since I was malnourished with visions of cherry tomatoes dancing in my head, I wasn't really paying attention to where I was going; therefore, I did not see the little old lady and her shopping cart full of cat food crossing in front of me.

I walked right into it.


Unfortunately, grandma's 20-pound bag of Meow Mix had been precariously balanced on top of the cart, and when we collided, the bag of cat food fell to the ground and, I'm not exaggerating, EXPLODED on the pavement.  Kibbles skittered under parked cars, bits bounced haphazardly into traffic, the great taste cats love was scattered as far as the eye could see.  The sweet gray-haired granny surveyed the situation, her lower lip quivered, she looked me in the eye and politely shrieked:

"NOW LOOK WHAT YOU DID YOU STUPID FUCKING IDIOT!" 

What the?  Did that decrepit old cat lady just drop an F-bomb on me?

"THIS IS FOR MY CATS!  NOW THEY'RE GONNA FUCKIN' STARVE AND IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT!  WHY DON'T YOU WATCH WHERE YOU'RE GOIN', JACKASS?"

Thank God the lady didn't have a cane, or she'd probably have beaten me to death.  I tried to calm her down.  "I'm sorry, ma'am, that's my fault -- "

"YOU'RE GODDAMN RIGHT IT'S YOUR FUCKIN' FAULT!  HOW AM I GONNA FEED MY KITTIES WHEN THEIR FOOD IS ALL OVER THE GROUND?!"

"Please calm down, ma'am, I'll take care of it.  Let me go inside and talk to the manager and I'll see if they'll replace the spilled food.  If not, I'll just buy you a new bag."

"MY KITTIES NEED TO EAT, YA KNOW!  YOU SHOULD WATCH WHERE YOU'RE GOING!"

Clearly, I was getting nowhere trying to reason with Lucifer's grandmother.  I flagged down one of the store's shopping cart wranglers, and he came over to help.

"Maybe you can help us," I said.  "I just ran into this lady's cart and -- "

"THAT STUPID JACKASS KNOCKED OVER MY KITTIES' FOOD!"

"Right," I continued, "so I was wondering if we could get her a new bag."

"That's no problem at all, we'd be happy to take care of it."

I looked at Granny.  "Why don't you put the rest of your things in your car, and I'll go in and get the cat food and bring it out to you.  Sound okay?"

"Damn right."  She seemed to be calming down a little, now that she knew Cleopatra, Fluffy and Mr. Mittens weren't going to miss their dinner.

I followed Stan the cart man over to the pet aisle and got another bag of Meow Mix.  He filled me in on a couple things.  "Yeah, that lady's in here all the time," he said.  "She's a whacko.  Last week, one of our checkers told her that her coupons were expired, and I thought she was gonna snap."

Well good, at least it's nothing personal.

Stan got the okay from the manager to replace the cat food, and I carried the bag out to Granny's 1971 Chevy Impala.

"Here you are, ma'am.  I'm really sorry about that."  I put the bag in the trunk.

"Yeah, well, be more careful next time."

As I turned to walk away, I swear I heard her mutter . . .

"Jackass."

I got in my car, and as I started driving away, I realized that in all the commotion, I'd forgotten to buy my salad.  Well, fuck it, I'm not going back to the store.  So I hit the drive-thru at In-N-Out Burger, picked up Double-Double and some fries, and went back to work.  The diet can take the day off.

I blame Danny, the 420-pound Biggest Loser.  If it weren't for him, I never would have been at the grocery store that day to begin with.


 e

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33 comments:

Rosie said...

haha,your hitting the diet excuse queue, I'm full of them. To be fair anyone bumping into Lucifer's granny would hit the nearest burger bar.

otin said...

I have been dieting for 25 years! It sucks!.

Eva Gallant said...

So you were the jackass that spilled my catfood! lol Thanks for the Saturday morning laugh!! As usual, I love your effin' post.

Me-Me King said...

I think we've all been the arm-chair "picture of perfect health" at one time or another.

Hey, there's some really big news for you over at my place. See ya there!

Beth said...

When you are starving all the time, you know the diet is working!

Seriously, this grandma's twin was incredibly rude to my husband last night. He bit his tongue and was nothing but nice to her. I was so proud of him. It must suck to be bitter and ornery.

Surfie said...

Sometimes I even watch the exercise programs on FitTV while snacking and hoping that they'll inspire me to get my bum out of the recliner. Either that or make me slim and fit by a combination of osmosis and wishful thinking.

Geez, I'm glad I haven't run into Lucifer's Grandma! Although she might have scared a couple pounds off me, which might have made the experience worth it.

Brndoutw8ress said...

I LOVe when old people swear!

Quirkyloon said...

"she looked me in the eye and politely shrieked:"

I KNEW politeness was way over-rated! And with this story, you have proved it completely.

You moron.

Ha!

not your Uncle Skip said...

I think that's the b!t@h that I waited on at the community breakfast last weekend.

Brian Miller said...

lol. oh my! i think i met her once, she tried to hit me with the car as she sped away in search of her next victim...

Kathy said...

When I diet, I'm starvin' all the time too. I can do it for about 3-4 days, but then I turn into that lady you hit.

Lisa (aka LadyWanderlust) said...

sorry about the psycho g-ma and all. so now I am gonna mom you...

1. NEVER skip breakfast. EVER. That's is why you are hungry.

2. Eat 5-6 mini meals. Eat some protein.

3. And don't deny yourself anything. Just think moderation.

Of course I don't follow any of these myself, but I always say it's easier to cruise direct other people's lives other than my own! ;)

Now quit reading this and go eat something, dammit!

Candice said...

So basically you just gave me a glimpse into my future in the next 40 years?

Thanks a fucking lot, jackass.

Honey B. said...

Omg, you were way nicer than I am....I would have started returning names after the 2nd f-bomb...lol

Noelle said...

first, i'd like to point out that you have incredible restraint. if i was as hungry as you were, i would have completely snapped. i do not function well when i am starving.

and B...i would have done exactly what you did; ditch the diet and eat a double double.

and III...following the old bag home and kidnapping a couple of cats and donating them to medical science wouldn't have been out of the question.

Phillipia said...

Yeah, it's Danny's fault...I like the way you think:)

Fragrant Liar said...

When I'm on my diet (which is every day), it takes only a small injustice to push me over the edge and into the line for the Big Macs. I refuse to apologize for assuaging my pain. Sorry.

jdemott said...

The paragraph immediately following the picture, and the ALL-CAPS sentence thereafter were great. Excellently written, I thought. Enjoyed the piece.

Ann said...

I've heard about this lady. She scopes parking lots for people who aren't paying attention. She then purposely runs into them, knowing that when the cat food explodes they will of course replace it. Her goal though is to find those that will feel guilty enough to purchase a second bag of cat food to make up for the inconvenience. You only gave her one bag so that's why she called you a Jackass

Jeanne said...

Damn that Danny anyway!

ReformingGeek said...

Yeah, what Lisa said in numbers 1,2, and 3!

And, of course, EXERCISE!

Obviously, starvation makes your brain all mushy and you attract weirdos!

;-)

Chrissy said...

Out of the mouths of babes..

Joan said...

This was better than the Sunday comics! You probably were not laughing at the time, but now you can just shake your head and smile.

Grumpy, M.D. said...

I think I met her daughter last week, and coincidentally was just posting about her this morning.

mean_owen said...

You said in another story that you were in Southern Cal. I thought people were supposed to be cool out there? That definitely was not the Dude's mom. Maybe Walter's.

I've encountered people like this several times too (oddly enough, often in the grocery store). I try to be understanding, figuring maybe they've had a hard time in their life and now they feel they don't have to worry about social niceties. Sometimes that calms me down, and when it doesn't, I remember that they'll be dead soon.

Moooooog35 said...

Yet more evidence as to why old people suck.

I can't wait til Obamacare kicks in and we can just off them and then sell their cars in the Cash-for-Clunkers thing.

Good times are coming fast!

Suldog said...

That's what you get for watching reality TV. As starved as you were, I'm surprised you didn't just start scooping up the kibble and shoving it in your mouth. Anyway, starting a diet around the holidays? Are you insane?

Jenn Thorson said...

My friend, you EARNED a burger after that!

Reminds me of the elderly lady who I passed in the store, going around her cart, and she got mad and went after me. Rammed me in the Achilles tendon with her shopping cart.

She had some good speed going for someone of her age.

I was impressed-- once I stopped limping.

~jill said...

a double double pretty much fixes anything....good choice...

now get back on the treadmill!

sexnfries said...

"Salad"? What are you thinking, get your ass to the gym..or just stand and march in place while eating your Ice cream and watching TV...Great stuff! Be back for more but right now I have to dangle a donut in front of me while on the treadmill.

MikeWJ at Too Many Mornings said...

Pretty damn funny to get cussed out by a grandmother. Probably my grandmother, no less. Just be thankful she didn't hit you over the head with an empty bottle of Jack Daniels.

mr loser said...

Funny stuff and too true, alas. A couple months ago, for example, a woman hung up a pay phone as I strolled across a boiling parking lot to change clothes inside Mickey D's. She glared at me and snarled "what are you looking at you sick F#$!? Your dad's going to jail." Unable to muster a reply, I slunk toward the door as she stormed away. Inside the fast-foot joint's bathroom I began wondering: just what had my old man done this time?

The Good Cook said...

I am hoping that my affinity for dropping F-bombs decreases with age. If not, watch out for me in grocery store parking lots.

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