Grading the Hollywood Principals

School principals have tough jobs, there's no question about it. Dealing with angry parents, providing discipline to cellphone-wielding juvenile delinquents, helping America's teachers to better themselves all the while maintaining a pleasant, professional demeanor. They are truly dedicated public servants and deserve our respect.

So tell me then, why does Hollywood insist on depicting them as either marginally-psychotic drill sergeants or bumbling boobs? It's not realistic, in any way, shape, or form. So I'm taking it upon myself to set the record straight by analyzing the fictional behavior of three high school principals. Going in order from closest to reality to most absurd, we have . . .

EXHIBIT A: PRINCIPAL STRICKLAND, Hill Valley High School

First of all, you have to give Strickland credit for longevity. He was on the job in 1955, and still going strong in 1985. His discipline style remained unchanged for decades. Strict, clear in focus, and completely intolerant of students he perceived to be "slackers".

Which, in his view, was everyone.

Strickland had a great memory. He remembered specific details about George McFly thirty years after he'd graduated, and also drew comparisons between George and his son Marty. You'd have to think that in his time at HVHS, Strickland dealt with over 25,000 students, so to remember the specifics about any one individual, well, that's truly remarkable.

While his issues with Marty McFly were relatively minor, Strickland also capably dealt with the problems caused by miscreant Biff Tannen. At the 1955 HVHS "Enchantment Under the Sea" dance, Tannen was caught with a dirty magazine, specifically the June edition of Ooh La La. Strickland confiscated it, and threw it away without even taking a quick peek.

That being said, Strickland was far from perfect. His slacker-obsessed behavior could border on the psychotic. Take, for example, his reaction when he caught Marty taking a newspaper from his porch. Now, granted, this took place in an alternate reality where Hill Valley was basically Hell (or even worse, Los Angeles), but still. “Shoot first, ask questions later” is not the right approach to take with a confused teenager.

Over-reactions aside, though, Strickland was an absolute peach when compared to . . .

EXHIBIT B: RICHARD VERNON, Shermer High School

Richard Vernon was a proponent of an authoritarian style of discipline, not unlike Strickland. The difference, though, was in the level of focus. Strickland was a laser beam. Vernon was poorly-loaded birdshot.

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And let me back up a bit. The clearest evidence that Vernon had questionable management skills is the simple fact that HE was the one supervising the Saturday morning Breakfast Club. Clearly, a wise and experienced principal would've delegated that shit detail to one of his VP's.

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One Saturday morning, Vernon made the critical mistake of leaving five detention students unsupervised for huge chunks of time. The library was spacious. He could've simply set up office space in one of the side rooms so he could keep a constant eye on things. All things considered, Vernon's pretty lucky that Bender didn't wind up shanking Andrew Clark or at the very least boinking Claire. That would've been a lawsuit for sure.

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And really, Vernon's discipline techniques are for shit. Here's a transcript of his attempt to intimidate John Bender:

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Bender: Eat my shorts.

Vernon: What was that?

Bender: Eat... My... Shorts.

Vernon: You just bought yourself another Saturday.

Bender: Ooh, I'm crushed.

Vernon: You just bought one more.

Bender: Well I'm free the Saturday after that. Beyond that, I'm going to have to check my calendar.

Vernon: Good, cause it's going to be filled. We'll keep going. You want another one? Just say the word say it. Instead of going to prison you'll come here. Are you through?

Bender: No.

Vernon: I'm doing society a favor.

John Bender: So?

Vernon: That's another one right now! I've got you for the rest of your natural born life if you don't watch your step. You want another one?

Bender: Yes.

Vernon: You got it! You got another one right there! That's another one pal! You through?

Bender: Not even close bud!

Vernon: Good! You got one more right there!

John Bender: You really think I give a shit?

Richard Vernon: Another! You through?

Bender: How many is that?

Mediocre rookie TEACHERS know that when you get into an argument with a student, the adult always loses. No way was Bender going to back down, and a man with Vernon's experience should've known that.

Despite his claim to Carl the janitor, I doubt that the faculty at Shermer found Vernon to be a "swell guy". In fact, he was kind of a jackass. But that being said, he did make an effort to provide discipline, and as off-the-mark as he was, he couldn't really be defined as a complete bumbling idiot.

THAT title is reserved for . . .

EXHIBIT C: EDWARD ROONEY, Shermer High School

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Apparently, Richard Vernon's run-in with John Bender led to his dismissal (or at least resignation) from Shermer High School, because just a year or so later there was a new principal in charge. One has to question the competence of the Shermer School District superintendent and school board, because they managed to find Ed Rooney, who was even less qualified than Vernon.

Talk about a guy with a misplaced priorities. Rooney spent an entire day hunting down Ferris Bueller, an SHS senior with a lackadaisical attitude toward school attendance.

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Discovering that Bueller was absent for the ninth time that year (not a particularly horrific attendance record, by the way), Rooney abandoned the school, perused pizza joints and video arcades (accosting a teenage girl in the process), and eventually committed the crime of breaking and entering when he snuck in through the Buellers' doggie door.

Shermer must've had at least 800 students. To neglect 799 of them to pursue a pointless vendetta against one is simply asinine. A phone call home, sure. A letter, absolutely. If that doesn't work, you simply contact the Shermer School District's School Attendance Review Board and let them take over. That's their job.

With all that time he saved, maybe Rooney could've done something about Ben Stein, the mind-numbing economics teacher.

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Just once, I want to see a movie (and I mean a comedy, not one of those "marginally based on a true story" films like Lean On Me) where the principal is a normal human being. Is that too much to ask?

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In my opinion, the only real conclusion we can draw from Hollywood's depiction of principals is that film-maker John Hughes was a "slacker" as a teenager and could've benefited from a visit to Mr. Strickland's office.