SAM I AM
Former marketing director for the Zizzerzazzerzuzz Ham and Egg Company, Samuel "Sam I Am" Higginbottom, now 48, was convicted of rape charges in 2007, and is currently serving a 50 year prison sentence in Whoville State Penitentiary.
On the night of January 21, 2007, Higginbottom had a date with Jennifer "Slut I'm Not" Fuddnuddler. After dinner and a movie, Higginbottom drove to a secluded rest stop, parked, and tried to coerce Fuddnuddler into having sex with him.
During testimony in the trial, Fuddnuddler claimed that Higginbottom made unwelcome advances to her, quoting him as saying, "In the dark? Here in the dark? Would you, could you, in the dark?" Despite her apprehension, Fuddnuddler politely rebuffed Sam's proposal, but he refused to back off.
"Would you, could you, in a box? Would you, could you, with a fox?" he suggested.
Tensions increased when Fuddnuddler snapped back, "I would not, could NOT, in a box . . . and if you think you're a fox, you're sadly mistaken."
Fuddnuddler went on to claim that Higginbottom even proposed acts of bestiality, asking her, "Well then, would you, could you, with a goat?" At that point, she said, she tried to escape, but Higginbottom overpowered her and forced himself upon her.
Higginbottom's attorney, Sylvester McMonkey-McBean, fought for his client's acquittal, but in the end the evidence was overwhelming. After just forty-five minutes of deliberating, the jury determined that Sam indeed "would have, could have, in a car."
Samuel Higginbottom is scheduled for release in 2057.
WILE E. COYOTE
Coyote had been living well prior to Mr. Runner's death. Seven years ago, he was awarded a 12.2 million dollar settlement in a civil suit against Acme Corporation (Coyote v. Acme, 2002), for pain and suffering caused by the repeated failure of Acme products. Coyote's attorneys were able to show a pattern of manufacturing defects in items such as the Acme Instant Hole, Acme Giant Spring, and most notably the Acme Catapult, which by itself caused Coyote to injure himself on forty-two separate occasions.
With his newfound wealth, Coyote resumed his pursuit of Mr. Runner, significantly upgrading his arsenal to include C-4 plastic explosive, AK-47 assault rifles, sophisticated poisons, and even a slightly used AH-64 Apache helicopter. His expeditures proved unnecessary, though, when Road Runner was killed in a traffic accident on June 17, 2004.
Unable to cope with the loss, Coyote attempted to commit suicide, strapping on his old pair of Acme Rocket Skates and projecting himself off of a 300-foot cliff in the Mojave Desert. Despite leaving a vaguely coyote-shaped imprint in the desert floor, Coyote only suffered minor scrapes and bruises. He subsequently underwent psychiatric evaluation and was institutionalized.
In 2009, on the fifth anniversary of Road Runner's death, ABC News attempted to interview Coyote at Freleng Hospital for inclusion in a three-part series, Runnin' Down the Road's His Idea of Havin' Fun: The Fast Times of Road Runner. Coyote, however, was unresponsive to questions, simply sitting in the corner of his room, rocking back and forth while muttering a single phrase:
"Beep beep. Beep beep. Beep beep."