Thursday, July 2, 2009

What Ever Happened To . . . Hermie and Baby Bear?


Herman "Hermie" Dingleknocker, originally from Christmastown, North Pole, is currently a cosmetic dentist in Southern California.

From 1961 through 1964, Dingleknocker worked for the Kringle Toy Company, where he was a low-level assembler. A substandard employee at best, Dingleknocker left his job with Kringle on December 23, 1964 amidst controversy and bitterness. While preparing for the annual Christmas run, the disgruntled Dingleknocker continually refused to complete his tasks because, in his words, "I don't like to make toys."

Head Elf Heinrich Von Luftmacher threatened to fire Dingleknocker on the spot, at which point the misfit youth replied, "You can't fire me, I quit! Seems I don't fit in."

For the next ten years, Dingleknocker lived with a drifter named Chuck "Yukon" Cornelius, who became a public figure in the late 70's after his arrest for hunting Bumbles out of season. Little is known about this dark period in Dingleknocker's adolescence, and to this day he refuses to discuss it.

In September, 1975, Hermie traveled to the United States and enrolled in the UCLA School of Dentistry in Los Angeles. Finally finding his true calling, he graduated with honors in 1979 and opened a cosmetic dentistry office in Beverly Hills, which flourishes to this day. Known as the "Toothmaster to the Stars," Dr. Dingleknocker maintains a prestigious client list that includes names such as Jessica Simpson, NFL star Chad Ochocinco, rapper Flava Flav, and the entire Osmond family. VH1 is currently finalizing the details on an upcoming reality show starring Dr. Dingleknocker, entitled Celebrity Grills.

Dingleknocker, now 58, lives in Santa Monica, California with his fiance Jennifer Aniston.


In the fall of 1959, Sandra "Goldilocks" McDougal began a crime spree that would last for decades. She had been staking out the house of the Bear family (Howard "Papa" Bear, Sheila "Mama" Bear, and Tommy "Baby" Bear) for weeks, and on the afternoon of September 23, she made her move. When the Bears left to go for a walk, Goldilocks broke in, ate their lunch, destroyed their furniture, and fell asleep in the bedroom. The Bears returned to find her at the scene, but she managed to escape and was never apprehended.

As a victim of that crime, Tommy Bear suffered severe emotional trauma upon discovering that his favorite chair had been destroyed. Tommy had built the chair himself, in woodshop class at Shady Forest Elementary School, and seeing it in pieces was too much for him to bear. Goldilocks had also eaten all of his porridge, while leaving Papa and Mama's virtually untouched. The realization that food can be taken away at any time caused Tommy to become a compulsive eater, greedily devouring any food he could get his paws on.

Howard and Sheila Bear sought counseling for their young cub, taking him to Dr. Eric Doolittle, best known for his ability to communicate with animals. Though he employed several methods to break through Tommy Bear's psychological defense mechanisms, Dr. Doolittle had little success, and as a last resort prescribed a variety of anti-depressants and diet pills.

Which made the problem worse.

As a teenager, Tommy Bear became addicted to his prescription medication, and supplemented his pills with alcohol, crack honey, and In-N-Out Double Double cheeseburgers. After the death of his parents in a tragic hunting "accident" in 1989, Tommy hit rock bottom. By 1993 he was destitute, living in squalor in a cave outside of Yosemite National Park. A team from the California Department of Fish and Game, responding to reports of a "really huge fucking bear" walking around in the forest, found the 900-pound Bear passed out next to a pile of burger wrappers and Jack Daniels' bottles.

Attempts to domesticate Tommy Bear and turn him over to the Los Angeles Zoo were unsuccessful, resulting in the severe disfigurement of zookeeper Claude Fleshman. With no other options available, Bear was euthanized on April 17, 1994. Even PETA agreed with the decision.

Goldilocks remains at large.

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1 comment:

Jeanne said...

That girl was nothing but trouble -- I knew it from the first time I saw her [picture in my picture book].

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