The Best and the Worst: Sitcom Characters

Just the other night, Theresa and I were watching the evening news, catching up on the latest Charlie Sheen self-destructive meltdown, when we got to thinking about all the teen and child stars who couldn't resist the temptation to destroy their own lives.  There's Sheen, of course, then you've got Macaulay Culkin, River Phoenix, anyone named Corey, anyone who starred on Diff'rent Strokes . . . we thought it might be easier to list the former child stars who actually made it to adulthood unscathed.  Here's what we came up with:

Ron Howard

That concludes our list.

It makes sense though, if you think about it.  Ron Howard had the benefit of learning from three wonderful fathers.  First and foremost there was his biological dad Rance Howard, a talented actor in his own right who kept a close watch on young Ronny's career and made sure the kid stayed grounded.  Rance then passed Ronny along to his next father, Mayberry sheriff Andy Taylor, who did a wonderful job teaching Ronny (who Taylor called "Opie") to be respectful, responsible, and honorable.  When Ron entered high school, he was adopted by father number three, a Milwaukee hardware store owner named Howard Cunningham.  Mr. Cunningham and his wife continued to instill in their son (now dubbed "Richie") wholesome family values that Ron embodies to this very day.

I'm not sure how this all relates to the topic at hand, which is TV's best and worst sitcom characters, but I thought it was interesting.

I've always been a fan of television situation comedies.  Taxi is my all-time favorite, but I'm also a fan of Happy Days, Cheers, Two and a Half Men, The Big Bang Theory, and  many others.  I thought it would be fun to take a look at the best and the worst characters in sit-com history.  As always, a few disclaimers are in order here.  You won't see anyone from Friends or Frasier, because I never watched those shows.  From the bits and pieces I have seen, the guy on Friends with the weird voice who looks kind of like a horse would probably make the "worst" list, as would Urkel from Family Matters, another show I never saw.

Also, I've limited the lists to main characters or featured supporting roles during a show's most successful years.  Historically, once shows "jump the shark," so many ridiculous characters come into play that my task would've been nearly impossible.  Hence, you won't find Cousin Oliver, Chachi Arcola, or anyone played by Ted McGinley among my selections.

So here we go, make yourself a bowl of popcorn and plop down on your couch as we venture off into TV land . . .

BEST

1. Jim Ignatowski (Taxi)

In every episode of Taxi, you could bank on at least one "Iggy Moment," a scene or a one-liner guaranteed to bring you to tears in hysterics.  The best of the lot was in an early episode when Jim was taking his driver's test: 

Jim: Psst!  What does a yellow light mean?

Bobby: Slow down.

Jim (pauses): What . . . does . . . a . . . yellow light . . . mean?

Bobby: Slow down!

Jim (frustrated): WHAT . . . DOES . . . A . . . YELLOW . . . LIGHT . . . MEAN?!

Bobby: SLOW DOWN!

Jim: WHAAAAT . . . DOESSSSS . . . A . . . YELLLOWWW . . . LIIIIGHT . . . MEEEAN!?

It loses something in print, but it's absolutely brilliant.  Another typical Iggy Moment" 

Bobby: Okay, I'm trying to really tell this jerk what I think of him.  Give me a couple good adjectives.

Elaine: Despicable.

Tony: Repulsive.

Jim: Purple!

Without a doubt, Reverend Jim was the best ever.

2. Hawkeye Pierce (M*A*S*H)

Long before Dr.Gregory House, Hawkeye Pierce was television's cynical, wise-cracking medical professional.  Hawkeye took the concept of "gallows humor" to a whole new level, making off-color jokes in the face of the most grisly wartime tragedy imaginable.

Between surgeries, though, Hawkeye and his sidekick Trapper John (or in later seasons, B.J. Hunnicut) spend most of their time drinking, nailing nurses, and generally making life miserable for their superior officers (Major Frank Burns and Major Charles Winchester in particular).  But Hawkeye wasn't just a one-note smart ass.  On many occasions, the casualties of war got the best of him and he displayed a more serious, thoughtful, and emotional side.  Sure, he was a pain in the ass . . . but he was one of the good guys.

3. Sheldon Cooper (The Big Bang Theory)

I have a feeling that there will be varying opinions on Dr. Sheldon Cooper, The Big Bang Theory's "geek among geeks."  Viewers will either find him brilliantly hilarious or gratingly obnoxious, there's no middle ground.  He's as self-centered as a person can possibly be, a genius who is forced to tolerate the foibles of lesser humanoids (in his mind, "everybody").  Case in point . . .

In one episode, Sheldon is considering donating his sperm, in an effort to create a young genius (he's opposed to the idea of sexual intercourse).  Naturally, he realizes that the potential mother of his biological offspring might dilute the intellectual makeup of his "genetic contribution." 

Sheldon: But then some poor woman is going to pin her hopes on my sperm, what if she winds up with a toddler who doesn't know if he should use an integral or a differential to solve for the area under a curve?

Leonard: I'm sure she'll still love him.

Sheldon: I wouldn't.

Over the run of the show, Sheldon has formed an unlikely, though condescending bond with Penny, the hot blond actress/waitress who lives across the hall.  In the most poignant scene of the series, Penny presents Sheldon with a one-of-a kind Christmas present. 

Penny: Here you go, Sheldon, Merry Christmas.


Sheldon: It's a . . . cloth napkin from the Cheesecake Factory.

Penny: Well, look at it, Sheldon.

Sheldon (reading an autograph): "To Sheldon . . . Live Long and Prosper . . . LEONARD NIMOY!?!"

Penny: Sorry about the smudge, that's where he wiped his mouth.


Sheldon (incredulous): I POSSESS THE DNA OF LEONARD NIMOY!?  With this napkin and a viable ovum, I could create my own Leonard Nimoy!

Penny: Hey, I'm just giving you the napkin. 

4. Norm Peterson (Cheers)

"Sometimes you want to go where everybody knows your name."

Norm is the guy the Cheers theme song is about.  He's the ambiance, he's the decor, he's the very reason bars like Cheers exist in the first place.  He's saluted with a communal "NORM!" every time he walks in the place.  Hell, if he weren't a friggin' Red Sox fan, he'd be the perfect drinking buddy.

To me, the highlight of every episode was Norm's response to innocuous greetings from Woody or Sam.  A sampling: 

Sam: What'll you have, Normie?
Norm: Well, I'm in a gambling mood, Sammy, so give me a glass of whatever comes out of that tap.
Sam: Looks like beer.
Norm: Call me "Mr. Lucky."

Woody: What's going on, Mr. Peterson?
Norm: The question is, what's going IN Mr. Peterson.  Make it a beer, Woody.


Sam: What's the story, Norm?
Norm: Boy meets beer.  Boy drinks beer.  Boy meets another beer.

Now excuse me, while I go pour myself a beer.  I'll be back in a minute. 

5. Ed Norton (The Honeymooners)

You know I had to go "old school" on one of these, and what better example of comedy greatness than Ed Norton.  For the younger readers out there, I'm not talking about the guy from American History X and Fight Club, I'm talking about the sanitation engineer (sewer man) from TV's The Honeymooners.  Norton was Ralph Kramden's best friend and frequent source of irritation, joining "ol' Ralphie boy" in a variety of get-rich-quick schemes and other hilarious misadventures.

Norton was also the prototype for future gawky, bumbling television characters, most notably Jim Ignatowski from Taxi and Kramer from Seinfeld.  Without question, the best Norton scene ever is from an episode entitled "The Golfer".  There's absolutely no way to do it justice in writing, so here's the clip.  Enjoy!




WORST

1. Gilligan (Gilligan's Island)

How this guy made it through a tour of duty in the United States Navy is anybody's guess because there has never been as clueless a moron in the entire history of television.  The Gilligan's Island storyline never explicitly states HOW they ended up wrecking the S.S. Minnow on the shore of a desert island (oh, sure, "the weather started getting rough" but these are trained sailors), but it's not much of a stretch to assume that Gilligan's incompetence was the main culprit.

Once stranded, Gilligan repeatedly screws up the castaways' chances to get rescued.  I mean, sure, the question will always be out there -- if the Professor was brilliant enough to make a two-way radio out of a couple coconuts and some bamboo, why couldn't he patch a two-foot hole in a boat? -- but when push came to stumble, Gilligan was the group's worst enemy.  They should've just shot him.  With, you know, a rifle made from bamboo and coconuts.

Oh, obscure trivia: "Gilligan" was the character's last name.  His first name was "Willie".

2. Judith Harper-Melnick (Two and a Half Men)

This bitch is the Patron Demon of Greedy, Selfish Ex-Wives everywhere.  Let's start at the beginning:

She divorces her husband Alan Harper because she feels "suffocated."  All right, granted, Alan is more than a little bit quirky and he can be irritating at times.  But he's a successful chiropractor, he's a good father, he took care of the Harper household, and he loved his wife beyond all reason.  For that, she broke up their family and forced Alan to move in with his degenerate brother (who, ironically, proved to be less screwed up than the actor who played him).  And what consequences does she suffer for destroying Alan's life?

She keeps the house, and pulls in huge alimony and child support checks.  You'd think that would be enough for the soul-sucking shrew, but it's not, not even close.  In one episode, Judith wrecks her car and questions why Alan hasn't kept up her insurance premiums.  Alan patiently explains that SHE'S NOT HIS FRIGGIN' WIFE ANYMORE, and she needs to take responsibility for herself.  She responds with, "Well, let's just see what my lawyers think about that."

At the risk of repeating myself, he should've just shot her.  Or dumped her ass on Gilligan's Island.

3. Joanie Cunningham (Happy Days)

I can't really think of a sit-com where the kid sister wasn't an annoying pain in the ass.  Dee on What's Happening, Cindy on The Brady Bunch, and Jennifer on Family Ties spent most of their screen time disrupting the lives of their older siblings.  But none were as focused on this goal as Joanie Cunningham, younger sister of Richie and Chuck (the writers always hoped we'd forget about the eldest Cunningham child, but he was there in season one with his ubiquitous basketball in hand).

I always thought Joanie was kind of creepy-looking (though she did get hotter as she got older) with her freckles and shit-eating grin which she usually flashed after getting Richie in trouble.  And for Pete's sake, in one episode she developed a crush on Potsie.  That's right, POTSIE!  Fonzie, sure, I think we could all understand that, but Potsie was second only to Ralph Malph on the Happy Days douchebaggery scale.  What she saw in that guy, I'll never know.  Still, she eventually hooked up with Chachi Arcola, to the point where the network gave them their own spin-off.

Yeah, that worked.

Little sisters should never get their own shows.  Period.

4. Ralph Furley (Three's Company)

For those of you unfamiliar with the term "jump the shark" here's the basic definition: It's the point in time where an entity (usually a TV show or rock band) passes its peak and rushes downhill to a devastating and long overdue demise.  This is usually caused by a key cast member leaving (Shelly Long leaving Cheers is a minor example, though in my opinion the show was better without her), a new and usually annoying character being added (we're back to Cousin Oliver again), or the same character being played by a different actor (Bewitched replacing one Dick with another).

Three's Company was a shark-jumping extravaganza.  Chrissy departed and was replaced by Teri.  Then Teri got the boot and Cindy entered.  And of course, Mr. and Mrs. Roper moved out and were replaced by the new landlord, Ralph Furley.  What an irritating bastard THAT guy was.  It's almost like the producers said, "No, the Ropers just aren't grating or obnoxious enough, we need somebody who has all those same off-putting qualities and . . . hey, what if he actually SNORTS when he laughs?  How would that be?"

They went with it.

And I thought Don Knotts couldn't out-do his portrayal of Barney Fife.

5. Lily Aldrin (How I Met Your Mother)

Now here's a show that baffles me.  Of the five major characters on How I Met Your Mother, only one is consistently funny and interesting (Barney), one is mostly tolerable (Robin), two are usually annoying (Ted and Marshall) and one deserves to be banished from television entirely (Lily).  And yet, with so many bothersome personalities, I really enjoy the show.

I guess it's the writing.

Anyway, Lily Aldrin is just painful to watch.  First of all, she's married to Marshall Erickson, but she didn't take his last name, which always bothers me.  What, she's too good to be an Erickson?  Furthermore, she spends most of her time drinking at McLaren's Pub in New York, and in one case, visited a strip club.  That wouldn't be worth much notice, except she's a KINDERGARTEN TEACHER.  Not that kindergarten teachers shouldn't have lives, but seriously.  I can't imagine this ditz working with five-year-olds.

She's annoying, plain and simple.  Kind of like a grown up Joanie Cunningham.


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TV's Biggest Douchebags

Have you ever been watching a television show and had the irresistible desire to punch a character in the face?  Who hasn't, right?  Well, today we're going to take a look at the ten biggest douchebags in television history.  To be clear about this, I'm not talking about the actors who played them (although in some cases the actor himself was actually a bigger douchebag than the character -- I'm looking at YOU, Dustin Diamond).

First, though, we need to establish the criteria.  To be considered a true television douchebag, one must fall into at least one of the following categories:

Category A: Takes Excessive Abuse
Douchebags of this type take mountains of crap from pretty much everyone they come in contact with.  Name-calling, physical violence, embarrassing pranks, they've seen it all.  They have no backbone and therefore serve as doormats for their antagonists.  In short, they're a statue in a world of pigeons.


Category B: An Over-inflated Self-image  
These guys think that they're charming, attractive, and intelligent while everyone else on the planet just thinks they're dorks.

Category C: Flat-out Geeky
Here we're talking about your stereotypical geeks, complete with goofy glasses, highwater pants, pocket protectors, perhaps a lisp.  This is compounded by the fact that generally speaking, these guys have no idea just how dorky they really are.  Note: This category does not apply to those geeks who are fully aware that they're geeks and are comfortable with it (see "Sheldon, Big Bang Theory").

Category D: Incredibly Annoying
It might be a squeaky voice, maybe it's a particularly grating catch and over-used catch phrase, or perhaps it's just an excessively perky attitude, but these douchebags do nothing but annoy the crap out of basically everyone.  You would cheerfully bludgeon them to death with a pipe wrench. 

Category E: Sponges
These douchebags are completely unable to support themselves emotionally or financially and exist solely by mooching off the system or other people.  Sometimes they express gratitude to those supporting them, but more often they don't . . . it's just take, take, take and whine, whine, whine. 

Anyway, without further ado, here are the top ten, in reverse order:

10. Arnold Horshack (Welcome Back, Kotter)
Douchebag Category: A, C, D

Even among the misfit, remedial class criminals known as the Sweathogs, Arnold was the bottom-feeder.  He constantly took crap from Barbarino and Epstein and would do anything they said in an attempt to be accepted by the group.  His laugh was reminiscent of a seal with a bronchial infection, and whenever he thought he new the answer to one of Mr. Kotter's questions, he'd raise his hand and shout "OOH!  OOH!" like he was giving birth.

Still, Arnold did have sort of an endearing quality about him, and every so often he got the upper hand with his tormentors . . . so he wasn't a complete douchebag.  Still, he was in high school and carried a lunch box.  There's just no getting past that.

9. Ralph Malph (Happy Days)
Douchebag Category: B, D

When you're the dorkiest member of a group that includes someone named Potsie, not much else really needs to be said.  Richie was the smart one, Fonzie was the cool one, Potsie could at least sing.  Ralph always thought of himself as a comedian, but let's be honest, he wasn't all that funny.  His humor basically revolved around tired one-liners and recycled Vaudeville routines, and his tendency to claim "I still got it" didn't fool anyone.  He never had "it".  Hell, the funniest thing about him was his name . . . Ralph Malph.  Seriously, what kind of parents would do that to a kid?  The thing is, Ralph's father was named Mickey (don't believe me?  Click here.) so the Malph family had obviously been screwed up for generations.

8. Danny Partridge (The Partridge Family)
Douchebag Category: B

I'm convinced that Danny Partridge was the inspiration for the phrase "beat him like a red-headed stepchild."  Not that Shirley wasn't his real mom, but now that I think about it, there sure were a lot of different hair colors among the Partridge kids, weren't there?


Anyway, Danny spent most of his time screwing with older brother Keith who was trying to do nothing more than write moderately catchy 70's rock songs and nail all the teeny-boppers he could.  Danny thought he was clever, but he was actually just a hippie version of Eddie Haskell, someone just begging to get the shit beat out of him.

And did anyone else notice that it took him almost two full seasons to realize that you don't strum an electric bass, you pluck it?

7. Mike Brady (The Brady Bunch)
Douchebag Category: None specifically, he's just an all-around douche.

I will admit to a certain degree of bias in my inclusion of Mike Brady on this list, simply because the actor who played him, Robert Reed, was a complete and utter asshole in real life.  I know this from personal experience.  Here's the story  . . . of a dick named Bob Reed.

It was 1988, I was working at a movie theater in Pasadena.  Robert Reed came in to watch some movie, I forget what it was, but for the sake of argument we'll say it was Steel Magnolias.  Halfway through the previews, Reed comes storming out of the theater and confronts me by the ticket booth.

"Are you going to turn down the fucking volume in there, or are we all going to go fucking deaf?" asked the man who once chastised his son Greg for sneaking a goat up to his room.  Not "Excuse me, but the sound in theater five is a bit loud," not "Would you mind turning the sound down just a tad."  Just a barrage of F-bombs.

The character Mike Brady was a douche also, for many reasons.  The episode where he and Sam get busted for illegal parking while dressed up in their Prince Charming and Dopey costumes comes immediately to mind.
 

6. J. J. Evans (Good Times)
Douchebag Category: A, B, C, D

Lots of TV's misfits had a delusional perception of themselves, but J.J. Evans was the most self-deluded of them all.  He thought he was cool -- no, check that, he thought he was DYN-O-MITE! -- but he was basically just a ghetto version of Screech (more on him in a few minutes).  His sister Thelma and little brother Michael were both much cooler than J.J. and everyone knew it.

To be completely fair about it, though, it wasn't all J.J.'s fault.  Given his physical stature, approximately six feet tall and weighing in at about 58 pounds, the guy was pretty much a walking cartoon.  He looked like he went to the blood bank and forgot to say "when".  He was so skinny he had to wear scuba fins in the shower just to keep from slipping down the drain.  When he turned sideways, he was invisible.

You get the idea.

5. Cliff Claven (Cheers)
Douchebag Category: A, B

A veritable encyclopedia of arcane knowledge, Cliff pestered the patrons of Cheers and endured their constant ridicule with grace and dignity.  The height, or rather, the depth of Cliff's douchbagginess came during his appearance on the show Jeopardy!  With an insurmountable lead heading into Final Jeopardy, all Cliff had to do was not bet everything he had, and he was a sure winner.  However, Cliff HAD bet everything and when he responded to the Jeopardy answer "Archibald Leach, Bernard Schwarz, and Lucille LeSueur" with "Who are three people who have never been in my kitchen?", he snatched defeat from the jaws of victory.

His buddy Norm was not surprised.

4. Ted Mosby (How I Met Your Mother)
Douchebag Category: B

Ted shares an apartment with his ex-girlfriend, and as a result, gets a front row seat when she brings home guys that are way better-looking and cooler than he is.  And he's okay with this.  Some might call that attitude mature and honorable, but who do they think they're kidding?  He's a douche.  Plus, he comes off like he thinks he's better than his friends simply because he's a college "professor" and can use big words from time to time. Yeah, he's basically a nice guy, but there are plenty of nice douchebags around.  Most of them are waiters.



3. Stanley Roper (Three's Company)
Douchebag Category: A, D

Leaving aside the fact that this guy was a homophobe before the word even existed, Roper was simply the most annoying and obnoxious landlord ever, or at least until Norman Fell left the show and was replaced by Don Knotts.  Imagine THAT audition.

KNOTTS: How about if I just recycle all my Barney Fife bits?

PRODUCERS: You can keep the stupid grin and the snorting, but aside from that, you'll have to come up with something new.

KNOTTS: Okay, all right.  Can I dress like a pimp?

PRODUCERS: You can dress like a 70-year old white dweeb would THINK a pimp dresses.

KNOTTS: Awesome.  I'll go get my white patent leather shoes. 

Anyway, Roper has got to be the only male character in TV history who consciously avoided sex.  Now granted, his wife wasn't exactly Farrah Fawcett, but you'd think that he'd want to shut off the lights and go for it every once in a while.

Jack, Janet, and Chrissy were constantly putting things over on Roper, most commonly trying to assure him that Jack was gay.  This, of course, led to Roper's mocking Jack by doing a little fairy dance.  Political correctness was still about a decade away.

Oh, and one more thing.  Whenever Roper said something he thought was funny, he looked right into the camera and grinned like an idiot.  Again, a pipe wrench would've been handy right then.

2. Screech (Saved By the Bell)
Douchebag Category: A, C, D

Also known as "The White Urkel," Screech Powers was a member of a peer group that, in the real world, would have had absolutely nothing to do with him.  Oh, sure, Slater would've beaten the shit out of him on a weekly basis, and maybe Zack would've played humiliating pranks on him, but there never would've been anything even remotely resembling friendship between these guys.  And the hot girls?  Forget about it.  Dorks like Screech don't have normal friends in high school.  Hey, I don't make the rules.  If I did, all high school band members would be allowed to have the cheerleader of his choice for an evening of wanton lust, retroactive to 1983.  Are you out there, Lisa DeAngelis?

1. Alan Harper (Two and a Half Men)
Douchebag Category: A, D, E

Okay, Alan got kicked out by his bitch of a wife, and then moved in with his brother Charlie.  Fine.  But the way Alan takes advantage of his brother's generosity enjoying a Malibu beach house, maid service, and free baby-sitting while never offering to kick in some cash once in a while, well, it's disgraceful.  Charlie would be well within his rights to kick the shit out of Alan every Friday night at 7:00.  One particular case comes to mind.  Charlie, for some reason or other, owes Alan about twenty bucks.  When Charlie is slow with the repayment, Alan takes it upon himself to siphon gas out of Charlie's car to cover the value.

That, my friends, is major league douchebag activity right there.  Never mind that you're living rent-free in a million dollar home, Alan, go ahead and be a dick about twenty dollars.

And Alan gets trampled by everyone.  Charlie, his ex, Berta the housekeeper, his other ex (who doesn't have enough brain-power to light a refrigerator bulb), and even his son Jake.  For that reason, as well as many others,  Alan Harper earns the title of "Television's Biggest Douchebag".  Congratulations, Alan, your winner's check is in the mail.

Sure it is.

Feel free to add to this list in the comments section, I'd love to hear your thoughts!



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