TV's Biggest Douchebags

Have you ever been watching a television show and had the irresistible desire to punch a character in the face?  Who hasn't, right?  Well, today we're going to take a look at the ten biggest douchebags in television history.  To be clear about this, I'm not talking about the actors who played them (although in some cases the actor himself was actually a bigger douchebag than the character -- I'm looking at YOU, Dustin Diamond).

First, though, we need to establish the criteria.  To be considered a true television douchebag, one must fall into at least one of the following categories:

Category A: Takes Excessive Abuse
Douchebags of this type take mountains of crap from pretty much everyone they come in contact with.  Name-calling, physical violence, embarrassing pranks, they've seen it all.  They have no backbone and therefore serve as doormats for their antagonists.  In short, they're a statue in a world of pigeons.


Category B: An Over-inflated Self-image  
These guys think that they're charming, attractive, and intelligent while everyone else on the planet just thinks they're dorks.

Category C: Flat-out Geeky
Here we're talking about your stereotypical geeks, complete with goofy glasses, highwater pants, pocket protectors, perhaps a lisp.  This is compounded by the fact that generally speaking, these guys have no idea just how dorky they really are.  Note: This category does not apply to those geeks who are fully aware that they're geeks and are comfortable with it (see "Sheldon, Big Bang Theory").

Category D: Incredibly Annoying
It might be a squeaky voice, maybe it's a particularly grating catch and over-used catch phrase, or perhaps it's just an excessively perky attitude, but these douchebags do nothing but annoy the crap out of basically everyone.  You would cheerfully bludgeon them to death with a pipe wrench. 

Category E: Sponges
These douchebags are completely unable to support themselves emotionally or financially and exist solely by mooching off the system or other people.  Sometimes they express gratitude to those supporting them, but more often they don't . . . it's just take, take, take and whine, whine, whine. 

Anyway, without further ado, here are the top ten, in reverse order:

10. Arnold Horshack (Welcome Back, Kotter)
Douchebag Category: A, C, D

Even among the misfit, remedial class criminals known as the Sweathogs, Arnold was the bottom-feeder.  He constantly took crap from Barbarino and Epstein and would do anything they said in an attempt to be accepted by the group.  His laugh was reminiscent of a seal with a bronchial infection, and whenever he thought he new the answer to one of Mr. Kotter's questions, he'd raise his hand and shout "OOH!  OOH!" like he was giving birth.

Still, Arnold did have sort of an endearing quality about him, and every so often he got the upper hand with his tormentors . . . so he wasn't a complete douchebag.  Still, he was in high school and carried a lunch box.  There's just no getting past that.

9. Ralph Malph (Happy Days)
Douchebag Category: B, D

When you're the dorkiest member of a group that includes someone named Potsie, not much else really needs to be said.  Richie was the smart one, Fonzie was the cool one, Potsie could at least sing.  Ralph always thought of himself as a comedian, but let's be honest, he wasn't all that funny.  His humor basically revolved around tired one-liners and recycled Vaudeville routines, and his tendency to claim "I still got it" didn't fool anyone.  He never had "it".  Hell, the funniest thing about him was his name . . . Ralph Malph.  Seriously, what kind of parents would do that to a kid?  The thing is, Ralph's father was named Mickey (don't believe me?  Click here.) so the Malph family had obviously been screwed up for generations.

8. Danny Partridge (The Partridge Family)
Douchebag Category: B

I'm convinced that Danny Partridge was the inspiration for the phrase "beat him like a red-headed stepchild."  Not that Shirley wasn't his real mom, but now that I think about it, there sure were a lot of different hair colors among the Partridge kids, weren't there?


Anyway, Danny spent most of his time screwing with older brother Keith who was trying to do nothing more than write moderately catchy 70's rock songs and nail all the teeny-boppers he could.  Danny thought he was clever, but he was actually just a hippie version of Eddie Haskell, someone just begging to get the shit beat out of him.

And did anyone else notice that it took him almost two full seasons to realize that you don't strum an electric bass, you pluck it?

7. Mike Brady (The Brady Bunch)
Douchebag Category: None specifically, he's just an all-around douche.

I will admit to a certain degree of bias in my inclusion of Mike Brady on this list, simply because the actor who played him, Robert Reed, was a complete and utter asshole in real life.  I know this from personal experience.  Here's the story  . . . of a dick named Bob Reed.

It was 1988, I was working at a movie theater in Pasadena.  Robert Reed came in to watch some movie, I forget what it was, but for the sake of argument we'll say it was Steel Magnolias.  Halfway through the previews, Reed comes storming out of the theater and confronts me by the ticket booth.

"Are you going to turn down the fucking volume in there, or are we all going to go fucking deaf?" asked the man who once chastised his son Greg for sneaking a goat up to his room.  Not "Excuse me, but the sound in theater five is a bit loud," not "Would you mind turning the sound down just a tad."  Just a barrage of F-bombs.

The character Mike Brady was a douche also, for many reasons.  The episode where he and Sam get busted for illegal parking while dressed up in their Prince Charming and Dopey costumes comes immediately to mind.
 

6. J. J. Evans (Good Times)
Douchebag Category: A, B, C, D

Lots of TV's misfits had a delusional perception of themselves, but J.J. Evans was the most self-deluded of them all.  He thought he was cool -- no, check that, he thought he was DYN-O-MITE! -- but he was basically just a ghetto version of Screech (more on him in a few minutes).  His sister Thelma and little brother Michael were both much cooler than J.J. and everyone knew it.

To be completely fair about it, though, it wasn't all J.J.'s fault.  Given his physical stature, approximately six feet tall and weighing in at about 58 pounds, the guy was pretty much a walking cartoon.  He looked like he went to the blood bank and forgot to say "when".  He was so skinny he had to wear scuba fins in the shower just to keep from slipping down the drain.  When he turned sideways, he was invisible.

You get the idea.

5. Cliff Claven (Cheers)
Douchebag Category: A, B

A veritable encyclopedia of arcane knowledge, Cliff pestered the patrons of Cheers and endured their constant ridicule with grace and dignity.  The height, or rather, the depth of Cliff's douchbagginess came during his appearance on the show Jeopardy!  With an insurmountable lead heading into Final Jeopardy, all Cliff had to do was not bet everything he had, and he was a sure winner.  However, Cliff HAD bet everything and when he responded to the Jeopardy answer "Archibald Leach, Bernard Schwarz, and Lucille LeSueur" with "Who are three people who have never been in my kitchen?", he snatched defeat from the jaws of victory.

His buddy Norm was not surprised.

4. Ted Mosby (How I Met Your Mother)
Douchebag Category: B

Ted shares an apartment with his ex-girlfriend, and as a result, gets a front row seat when she brings home guys that are way better-looking and cooler than he is.  And he's okay with this.  Some might call that attitude mature and honorable, but who do they think they're kidding?  He's a douche.  Plus, he comes off like he thinks he's better than his friends simply because he's a college "professor" and can use big words from time to time. Yeah, he's basically a nice guy, but there are plenty of nice douchebags around.  Most of them are waiters.



3. Stanley Roper (Three's Company)
Douchebag Category: A, D

Leaving aside the fact that this guy was a homophobe before the word even existed, Roper was simply the most annoying and obnoxious landlord ever, or at least until Norman Fell left the show and was replaced by Don Knotts.  Imagine THAT audition.

KNOTTS: How about if I just recycle all my Barney Fife bits?

PRODUCERS: You can keep the stupid grin and the snorting, but aside from that, you'll have to come up with something new.

KNOTTS: Okay, all right.  Can I dress like a pimp?

PRODUCERS: You can dress like a 70-year old white dweeb would THINK a pimp dresses.

KNOTTS: Awesome.  I'll go get my white patent leather shoes. 

Anyway, Roper has got to be the only male character in TV history who consciously avoided sex.  Now granted, his wife wasn't exactly Farrah Fawcett, but you'd think that he'd want to shut off the lights and go for it every once in a while.

Jack, Janet, and Chrissy were constantly putting things over on Roper, most commonly trying to assure him that Jack was gay.  This, of course, led to Roper's mocking Jack by doing a little fairy dance.  Political correctness was still about a decade away.

Oh, and one more thing.  Whenever Roper said something he thought was funny, he looked right into the camera and grinned like an idiot.  Again, a pipe wrench would've been handy right then.

2. Screech (Saved By the Bell)
Douchebag Category: A, C, D

Also known as "The White Urkel," Screech Powers was a member of a peer group that, in the real world, would have had absolutely nothing to do with him.  Oh, sure, Slater would've beaten the shit out of him on a weekly basis, and maybe Zack would've played humiliating pranks on him, but there never would've been anything even remotely resembling friendship between these guys.  And the hot girls?  Forget about it.  Dorks like Screech don't have normal friends in high school.  Hey, I don't make the rules.  If I did, all high school band members would be allowed to have the cheerleader of his choice for an evening of wanton lust, retroactive to 1983.  Are you out there, Lisa DeAngelis?

1. Alan Harper (Two and a Half Men)
Douchebag Category: A, D, E

Okay, Alan got kicked out by his bitch of a wife, and then moved in with his brother Charlie.  Fine.  But the way Alan takes advantage of his brother's generosity enjoying a Malibu beach house, maid service, and free baby-sitting while never offering to kick in some cash once in a while, well, it's disgraceful.  Charlie would be well within his rights to kick the shit out of Alan every Friday night at 7:00.  One particular case comes to mind.  Charlie, for some reason or other, owes Alan about twenty bucks.  When Charlie is slow with the repayment, Alan takes it upon himself to siphon gas out of Charlie's car to cover the value.

That, my friends, is major league douchebag activity right there.  Never mind that you're living rent-free in a million dollar home, Alan, go ahead and be a dick about twenty dollars.

And Alan gets trampled by everyone.  Charlie, his ex, Berta the housekeeper, his other ex (who doesn't have enough brain-power to light a refrigerator bulb), and even his son Jake.  For that reason, as well as many others,  Alan Harper earns the title of "Television's Biggest Douchebag".  Congratulations, Alan, your winner's check is in the mail.

Sure it is.

Feel free to add to this list in the comments section, I'd love to hear your thoughts!



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Some People Just Need to Be Executed

Today, kids, we're going to be discussing everyone's favorite topic, the death penalty.  As hot-button issues go, the death penalty doesn't quite inspire the same blind rage and utter insanity as, say, abortion, but it ranks well above the never-ending "who'd you rather nail, Mary Ann or Ginger?" debate.  Everyone has an opinion on whether or not we should kill our nation's criminals, and arguments are bound to ensue whenever the topic comes up.

The pro crowd is always quick to point out that our prison system is not designed to rehabilitate America's sociopaths.  Sure, if a guy does five years for grand theft auto he may, upon release, think twice before hot-wiring that Dodge Viper.  But let's face it, the nut case who's doing time on death row because he raped and murdered fifteen Wesleyan University sophomores and then dined on their spleens while wearing his grandmother's underwear and singing "I'm a Lumberjack and I'm OK," well, for that guy, rehabilitation is pretty much out of the question.

On the other hand, the anti-death penalty crowd usually invokes the "two wrongs don't make a right" argument, insisting that murder is wrong even if it's a thrice-convicted unrepentant child-molesting serial killer that's getting the needle.  "Killing the criminal won't bring back the victim," they say.  Well, no, it won't.  But it will probably make the victim's family feel better and, honestly, is the world going to be worse off because Hubert "The Carlyle Pedophile" McGibbon is dead instead of just locked away?

Personally, I'm a big fan of the death penalty, I'd go so far as to say we don't use it often enough.  Obviously I'm all for taking out the rapists and murderers, but why stop there?  I mean, just because the asshole standing over there on the corner hasn't killed anybody, does that make him a worthwhile human being?  I say, "not necessarily."

Let me be clear on this.  I'm not talking about those among us who are useless and pathetic in a quiet, harmless sort of way.  I know plenty of people who contribute nothing to society, but they're not pissing anyone off either.  We can safely leave those folks alone, no problem.

But I truly believe that the death penalty laws should include the following provision:

"Any person who demonstrates through his actions that he is a completely worthless piece of shit with no redeeming characteristics whatsoever shall be put to death.  The manner of execution shall be determined by those who have been victimized by said person."

Meet Matthew Clemmens, a 21-year old degenerate asshole from Cherry Hill, New Jersey.  On April 14, Matthew and a buddy (let's call him Douchebag) were attending a Phillies game at Citizens Bank Ballpark in Philadelphia.  After taking full advantage of the stadium's "we're only supposed to serve two beers per customer but who's counting, wink, wink" alcohol policy, Douchebag began heckling, swearing at, and eventually spitting upon fans in the area.  One such fan, an off-duty police officer, took exception to Douchebag and Matthew's belligerence, and asked them to please refrain from their disruptive behavior because his 11- and 15- year old daughters were bothered by it (I'm paraphrasing, the officer/dad may have phrased his request a bit differently).

Douchebag, however, did not heed the father's warning and continued his antics.  Security was summoned, and Douchebag was escorted from the premises.

And that's when the fun really began.

Matthew was allowed to remain in the stadium, and instead of doing what a rational, non-shit-faced person  would have done, that is, shut the fuck up and watch the game, he decided to avenge the persecution of his good friend Douchebag.  Tapping into his inner Karen Carpenter[1], Matthew stuck his fingers down his throat and made himself vomit all over the 11-year old girl.

You read that correctly.  He fucking puked on a kid.  On purpose.

One can only imagine the horror that poor girl experienced.  Needless to say, stadium officials and the local police immediately apprehended Matthew and from the looks of his mug shot, well, they weren't shy about using "reasonable force." 

Now, to be fair about it, I'll admit that I do not know Matthew Clemmens.  Perhaps he's a really nice young man who donates money to children's hospitals, volunteers for the Special Olympics, and spends his weekends making tuna fish sandwiches and delivering them to a local homeless shelter.  Maybe he's a member of the Cherry Hill Episcopalian Boys Choir, and enjoys feeding the pigeons in the park every Sunday afternoon.  I suppose it's possible that his actions on that April day in Philly were completely out of character and in no way represent the wonderful, caring human being that Matthew Clemmens really is.

But probably not.

I'm betting that Matthew is precisely the beer-barfing, foul-mouthed, Santa Claus-hating lowlife that he appears to be, and as such, I say we execute the fucker.  According to my new law, the puked-upon child would get to determine how ol' Matthew would be put to death.

And with a police officer for a father, I'll bet she could come up with a really good one.  Something like covering the bastard with A-1 Steak Sauce and tossing him into the lion habitat at the Philadelphia Zoo.  Beer-basted asshole, family style.

I'll bet the lions would eat until they puked.


[1] For you younger folks, Karen Carpenter was a 1970's folk singer who suffered from bulimia, or maybe it was anorexia, anyway, one of those diseases where you think you're fat and make yourself vomit whenever you eat something.



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