Occam's Garage Door

There are a lot of things in life that you just can't count on.  Weather forecasts are rarely more than semi-educated guesses, the cable guy can never seem to arrive quite within his "8 AM to noon" time frame, and air travel has become so completely unreliable that American Airlines should probably just start using "sometime Monday afternoon" as an official departure time.

There's not a whole lot left in this world that is 100% dependable, but even at my most cynical, I never thought I'd lose faith in the little button that opens my garage door.  But last night it let me down.  It let me down hard.

Theresa and I were all ready to leave to go see the new Bruce Willis flick, but when I pressed the garage door button on the wall . . . nothing happened.   This left me perplexed, because when I got home from work just a couple hours earlier I'd opened the door with my remote and then closed it when I got inside.  That whole process went off without a hitch.  But now?  The garage door responded like the willie of a Viagra-less octogenarian judging an ugly contest.

We were running late for the movie, though, so we pulled the red cord to open the garage door manually.  I backed the car out of the garage and, just for the hell of it, pressed the button on my remote.  Curiously, the door shut as usual.

When we got home a couple hours later, we set out to fix the problem.  I pressed the garage door button just in case a band of repair elves had visited while we were gone.  None had, so once again I opened the door manually and pressed the button.  The door went down.  Okay, so there was nothing wrong with the open/close mechanism or the button itself.  There was obviously another explanation.

Many years ago, when I lived in a different house, I had dealt with the opposite problem -- the garage door opened just fine, but it wouldn't close.  I noticed this only occurred when I was leaving for work in the morning; when I got home at night, everything was fine.  After a few months of utter befuddlement, I finally figured out that in the mornings the sun would shine directly into the LED sensor that keeps garage doors from closing on pets or small children.  I fixed that particular problem with a two-inch length of PVC pipe.

Which was absolutely no help to me now.

It's important to remind you at this point that when it comes to handyman-type activities, my skills lie somewhere between "non-existent" and "counter-productive."  So after fiddling with various parts of the garage door opener for several minutes, I decided to go online to see if I could find some tips.  I Googled "my friggin' garage door will close but won't open" and found about twenty-five possible solutions.  I adjusted the "force level," oiled the runners, aligned the sensors, I even tried Bugs Bunny's "Iggity aggity oop, ah ah" dance and said "Open sesame."

Nothing worked.

"What are you guys doing?"

It was Doug, Theresa's twenty-year-old son.  We explained the predicament, and he said, "I'll take care of it, you guys go on inside." 

Doug's pretty good at fixing things, especially compared to me.

Forty-five seconds later, I heard the garage door opening.  And closing.  And opening.  And closing.  Theresa and I went out to the garage.

"Hey!" said Theresa.  "You fixed it!"

"Yeah, it was really complicated, too," said Doug.

"What was the problem?" I asked.

"Come here and take a look at the button on the wall," said Doug.  I looked where he was pointing.  "See this switch on top?  That's called the lock/unlock switch.  When it's in the locked position, the door won't open.  It's so no one can clone your remote and break into the house.  Using my amazingly brilliant repair skills, I flipped the switch into the unlocked position, and the door opened."

Doug can be a bit of a smart-ass.

Apparently, the last time I'd shut the door from the inside, I had accidentally flipped the switch to "lock".

Yes, I know.  I'm lame.


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All I Really Need to Know I Learned on Saturday Morning

Perhaps you're familiar with the Robert Fulghum book entitled All I Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten.  Well, with all due respect to Mr. Fulghum, that's a load of crap.  All that I learned in Mrs. Fisk's kindergarten class was that musical chairs is the worst game ever invented and, while tasty, craft paste is not food.

Not exactly life-long lessons, those.

I learned a hell of a lot more from watching Saturday morning cartoons.  The Bugs Bunny/Road Runner Hour (...and oh what heights we'll hit.  On with the show, this is it!) was an outstanding teacher, as were the Flintstones, Popeye, and the rest.  If a kid paid attention, all of life's most valuable lessons were right there in full-color animation.

Here's what I learned: 

Lesson One: Always listen carefully.  When engaged in conversation, it is critical to pay careful attention to what the other person is saying.  This way, you'll be able to understand his point of view and formulate an appropriate response.  The world is full of manipulative schemers, and the ability to identify important information while discarding the jibberish is essential.  Take, for example, the banter between Bugs Bunny and Daffy Duck in the classic episode Rabbit Seasoning:

Bugs (to Elmer Fudd): Okay, Doc, you got me.  Would you like to shoot me now, or wait till you get home?

Daffy: Shoot him now!  Shoot him now! 

Bugs: You keep out of this, he doesn't have to shoot you now.

See what Bugs did right there?  By changing the word "me" to "you", he's turned the situation on its side, making Daffy the potential target for Elmer.  Daffy doesn't pick up on this, and falls right into the trap: 

Daffy: Well, I say he DOES have to shoot me now!  So shoot me now!

Of course Elmer, ever the obedient sap, takes aim and fires, blasting Daffy in the face and causing his beak to spin 'round and 'round.  If only Daffy had listened carefully, he could have avoided such humiliation.

Lesson Two: There's a fine line between perseverance and foolishness.  Everyone's heard the inspiring phrase, "If at first you don't succeed, try try again."  Most of the time that's pretty sound advice, but if one keeps failing over and over again, doesn't there come a point when giving up is the best option?  If you're a complete failure, just come to grips with it and change your course entirely.

To illustrate this point, let's use Wile E. Coyote.  Wile's one and only goal was to catch, and presumedly eat, Road Runner.  At first, his focus and determination were admirable.  He developed a plan of attack, made use of all available resources (mainly Acme products), and didn't let a little failure get in his way.  But let's be realistic here.  How many times does one have to be hit by a train, flung from a catapult, hurled off a 200-foot cliff, engulfed in flame, rocketed into the side of a mesa, or smashed by a falling boulder before he says, "fuck it, I'm going to Denny's"?

What we can learn from Wile E. Coyote is that sometimes you have to admit defeat and move on.

Lesson Three: Maintain a healthy diet.  This one is pretty simple.  Big Macs, Snickers bars, and Dr. Pepper do not a healthy body make.  If you want to grow up big and strong, you have to eat right and exercise.  Who demonstrates this concept more clearly than Popeye the Sailor Man?

Freakishly muscular forearms aside, Popeye did not cut an intimidating profile.  He was much smaller, for example, than his nemesis Bluto.  Early in every episode, Bluto would get the better of Popeye, pushing him around and stealing the inexplicably-in-demand Olive Oyl.  When his frustration reached a certain point, Popeye would break into song, eat a can of spinach, and proceed to kick Bluto's ass.  He was strong to the finish, 'cause he ate his spinach.

Got that kids?  Eat your veggies.

Lesson Four: Cleverness is more important than brute strength.  To illustrate this one, we'll go back to Bugs Bunny.  Bugs was a scrawny rabbit, incapable of surviving on strength and power.  He had to use his cunning to deal with such villains as the Crusher, Giovanni Jones, the Gashouse Gorillas, and the ever-present, shotgun-toting Elmer Fudd.

In Ali Baba Bunny, Bugs is confronted by an enormous, sword-wielding oaf named Hassan, a middle eastern sociopath who terrorized intruders with the battle cry, "HASSAN CHOP!"  To elude said chopping, Bugs had to not only deal with a greedy, narrow-minded companion in Daffy Duck, he also had to figure out a way to outsmart Hassan.  Certainly, Bugs was incapable of engaging him in hand-to-sword combat.

So what did Bugs do?  He crammed himself into a bottle and pretended to be a magical genie.  Hassan released Bugs from the bottle, and faster than you can say "Iggity aggity oop, ah ah," Hassan was foiled.

Sure, being able to rip one's enemies limb from limb is a wonderful skill to have, but a sharp mind is even more valuable.  Remember, John Gotti wasn't a big guy either.  He simply used his brain.  Well, his brain and a virtual army of neckless goombahs, but I think you see my point.

Lesson Five: Be prepared for unforeseen circumstances.  As any good Boy Scout knows, being prepared is the key to success.  In the world of Saturday morning cartoons, it is Foghorn Leghorn who provides us with the best example of this.  On at least three occasions, Foghorn gets himself into situations where his feathers are completely blown off of his body.  Embarrassing, to say the least.  But instead of wandering around the barnyard buck naked, Foggy proudly declares, "Luckily, I keep a spare in my locker for just such an emergency."   He zips up the spare, and he's good to go.  In another episode, in a similar situation, Foghorn states, "I always keep my feathers numbered, for just such an emergency."  Numbering one's feathers?  That, my friends, is preparation.

The wisdom of Bugs Bunny, Foghorn Leghorn, Popeye, and many others serves as a blueprint for a lifetime of success.  Even the hapless Wile E. Coyote provides us with a clear example of what not to do.  So the next time you're feeling down or you need some emotional guidance, there's no need to panic.  Just turn on the Cartoon Network.  I'm sure you'll find the words you need to pick yourself up and move on.