Monday, October 10, 2011

iPhone Idleness

I was one of the last people on the planet to own a cell phone. It was 1999, and I just didn't feel the need to be all that accessible. I had reluctantly purchased a pager earlier in the year, and even that was more of a pain in the ass than I thought it would be. But eventually I broke down and got the cheapest Nokia phone I could find, basically a hunk of plastic with buttons that weighed about four pounds.

Ever since then, I've had a rare form of Attention Deficit Disorder, something I call Cell Phone Disaffection Syndrome (CPDS). Every six to eight months, I get bored with whatever phone I have, and end up getting a newer, better, glitzier model. After I got tired of the clunky slab o' plastic, I upgraded to a slimmer, lighter Nokia. But then the RAZR flip-phone hit the market, and I absolutely had to have one of those. All sorts of wonderful features, and it looked so 22nd century. It even had a camera. I couldn't imagine how you'd improve on something that high-tech.

And then someone invented "smart" phones.

So I got a Blackberry Curve, a phone that would actually let me access the Internet. Sure, it took three hours for the Google home page to download (or is it upload? I can never keep that straight.), but it was the INTERNET! ON MY PHONE! Of course, the original Blackberry Curve turned out to be a complete piece of crap, so a few months later I upgraded to the Blackberry Storm. How's that for brand loyalty? The Storm didn't even have buttons, you just tapped letters on the screen and voila! A text message! Of course, it was virtually impossible to type the letter you wanted because touchscreen technology was apparently too difficult for the Blackberry IT department to grasp, but the Storm was one fancy piece of equipment, if you didn't mind removing and then reinserting the battery every couple hours because the damn thing froze up again.

So I upgraded to the Blackberry Bold because who needs touchscreen, anyway?

Of course, after a year or so, the Bold became more trouble than it was worth. The little pad that you slide your finger across to scroll through your icons (there's probably a name for it, but you know what I'm saying) turned out to be one moody son of a bitch, and sometimes decided it didn't want to do anything. Plus, it browsed the web like Theresa browses Target which is to say, it takes forever and pretty much wastes your entire day. So a few days ago, I went and did something I swore I was never going to do.

I bought an iPhone.

Thankfully, I was eligible for an upgrade so it cost me next to nothing, and let me tell you, this is one absolutely ingenious little device. First of all, yes, it's touchscreen which had proven to be problematic with my now-obsolete Blackberry Storm. But apparently the Apple guys are way smarter than the Blackberry guys because I'm having no trouble typing what I want to type. And if I do happen to make a mistake, the iPhone magically corrects my spelling. Plus, I still have the camera feature, it has a GPS, e-mail, and in addition to all that technological goodness, it's also a telephone.

Random thought: If all this technology had been available in the 70's, we might have heard this Stevie Wonder classic:

I just texted to say I love you.
I changed my Facebook status because I care.
I just Skyped to say I love you.
And I Tweeted from the bottom of my heart.

Moving on.

You can also watch videos on the iPhone, with amazing clarity. But wait, there's even more. Over the weekend, I was introduced to the wonderful world of "apps" which is short for "apparently not having anything better to do with your time."

Some of these apps are quite useful, like Mobile Banking and my personal favorite, the In-N-Out Burger app that instantly points you to the nearest In-N-Out restaurant. What the hell will they think of next?

Slice, slice, Baby!
And game apps! I'm telling you, you have not lived until you've played a thrilling game of Fruit Ninja. You can keep your Angry Birds, the sheer joy of slicing up virtual kiwi, coconuts, and watermelons is beyond description.

Hmm. Maybe there's a "Get a Life" app.

Anyway, I'm very happy with my new iPhone, and I'm sure this will be the last cell phone I ever need to own. I mean, really, how could they possibly improve on this?


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Jonah Gibson said...

with a say cool iPhone case!

Heff said...


(and probably easier to flush)

Steve Bailey said...

The iPhone is awesome I agree.... every single person I know loves them.... with the possible exception of bosses everywhere and pedestrians crossing any street..

laughingmom said...

The iphone is a telephone?!? Damn, I knew there was something sneaky about it...

notactuallygod said...

"how could they possibly improve on this?"

With Jobs gone, they probably can't.

Grumpy, M.D. said...

And the new update goes on sale this friday, too!

Suldog said...

I have yet to own a cell. I am in no hurry to do so. Thus far, I have not been in a single instance in my life wherein I felt that I would have been better off having owned one. Maybe if I do get one, I'll realize how much I've been missing. On the other hand, this particular ignorance has been bliss so far, so I don't expect to ever own one.

Eva Gallant said...

I have a cell phone that I only use to make phone calls. I don't access the internet with it, (I have a computer for that), I don't take photos with it (I have a camera for that), and I don't text. If I want to say something I'll call. I'm stubborn and old fashioned that way!

Anonymous said...



"You can keep your Angry Birds,"

You dare enter sacred catapulting ground by defiling it with such irreverence?

I'm shocked.

And disappointed.


Candy's daily Dandy said...

Heff's right.

it's also great for Twitter notifications...

read my blog today. You are prominently featured.

I had no idea.

Uncle Skip, said...

I'm fairly certain I can't add anything here.

Oh, wait... you know how 97% of the U.S. has really good cell phone coverage? I live in part of the other 3%.

MarkD60 said...

I had a Palm Trio before Blackberries even came out. They were inferior from the start.
Now my wife has a Samsung Galaxy II. Totally kick ass.
I never wanted an iPhone, I like open source platforms only.

Frank said...

I have an Android and I can barely figure out how to use it.

Carolina said...

My brother in law had one of the first mobile phones. It was a suitcase with a telephone receiver attached to it. We were so impressed.

Bella said...

I don't have a cell, never did, but the I Phone looks promising. Of course my daughter decided the phone she had I was paying for was not good enough, so she has a big fat IPhone now...I am still stuck paying on that other till June or some crap. But I would so love a cool phone like that one.

Heidi Olivia Tan said...

I had a good chuckle over the way you resisted having a cell phone until 1999 and once you had one, you were quick to update it every less-than-a-year! I'm sure you're gonna be bit by the CPDS in 6 months time.
I had just scheduled a post for my blog about handphones, now, I'll go back and paste a link to this.

iPhone 4s Cases said...

I still use Blackberry 9000....

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