Word Wackiness

A famous writer once said, "When you can't think of anything to write about, write about not being able to think about anything to write about."

Okay, I just made that up.  But see?  I'm already four sentences into a piece about absolutely nothing, so perhaps there's some merit to that fictional philosophy after all.

Which doesn't change the fact that I've got nothing whatsoever to write about.

That's not entirely true.  I do have another Mike the Whip story percolating, the one about the time we dared him to steal a six-pack from the local Stop-N-Shop.  It's pretty funny, actually.  We were about ten years old and bored, so we walked to the corner store to buy a couple Slurpees.  Cola for me, cherry for Mike and Robbie.  The store had a big Budweiser display, and that's when Robbie decided to test Mike's nerve.  Anyway, I'll get to that story in the next week or so, but it's going to take a bit of time to work up.  So for now you get to plod your way through this garbage, if you're still reading up to this point.

I guess we could talk about a few of my favorite words.  Like festooned, for example, I love that one.  The basic definition is "decorated with," as in, "By the time Mrs. Jones finished preparing  for her son Jimmy's birthday party, their living room was festooned with streamers, balloons, and a giant octopus pinata."  That's your basic usage of "festooned," but if we contemplate the situation outside the cubical cardboard container for a moment, we can have even more fun.

For instance, "Corporal Wilson threw himself on the live grenade, saving five members of his platoon; however, the inside of the foxhole was then festooned with Corporal Wilson's innards."

Another great word is fisticuffs.  If you've been hanging around here for awhile, you've undoubtedly come across that one a few times.  It's such a classy and articulate way to say "ass-kicking" or "beating the shit out of each other."  Check out the difference.

When Otis and Frank realized there was only one donut left, Frank grabbed Otis by the throat and strangled him within an inch of his life.  And then he grabbed the cruller.

Or . . .

When Otis and Frank realized there was only one donut left, they settled the matter with fisticuffs.

And it sounds cool, too.  Fisty-cuffs.  Like a more intense pair of handcuffs.

And last but not least, the most versatile and all-encompassing derogatory word of all time, "douchebag."  This one's interesting on the surface because it's almost never used in the literal sense.  I'm not even sure there is such a thing as a douche bag.  Ladies, help us out here.

But as a personal attack, there is simply no match for the incisive, humiliating "douchebag," or if you're from New Jersey, "ya fuckin' douchebag."  Again we'll illustrate this through comparison.

"I can't believe Herman just blew off his date with Jenny.  What an inconsiderate jerk."

"I can't believe Herman just blew off his date with Jenny.  What a fuckin' douchebag."

So much more accurate and vivid.

Given what we've learned today, I guess I'll have to come up with the coolest sentence of all time.  Here goes:

Johnny and Phil, after calling each other all sorts of names like "shit-brained douchebag" and "good for nothing swamp sucker," engaged in a spirited display of fisticuffs at which point their bedroom wall became festooned with their blood, mucus, and spittle.

You don't come across linguistic calisthenics like THAT every day, now, do you?


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