Friday, March 18, 2011

Allow Me to Vent

Pee on his leg, kid.  He deserves it.
I'm in a foul mood today.

It doesn't happen often. I like to think that I'm a pretty easy-going, happy-go-lucky kinda guy. Even when things go wrong, I can usually roll with it. Nineteen days out of twenty, I take on the day in the best of spirits, bright and chipper, ready to meet whatever challenges lie ahead with a positive attitude.

Today, however, is that twentieth day.

So instead of writing something relevant like, oh, going into the actual reason that today sucks, and perhaps using that process to come to a solution that might ease my spirits, well, screw it. I'm just going to bitch about random crap that pisses me off.

We'll kick this off with people who use the phrase "usually always" as in, "I don't know, Dave, my brother is usually always on time." Let me explain something here Mr. Hemingway, the words "usually" and "always" have two completely different meanings and one cannot modify the other. Maybe I'm not exactly William Strunk Jr. myself, but come on, either your brother is "usually" on time or he is "always" on time. He can't be both. "Sometimes my sister is never happy." "Most of the time he always never pays back his loans." See the confusion?

And while we're on the subject of language, I could enthusiastically disembowel those mindless twits who use the word "literally" when they mean the opposite. "I ate so much last night that I literally exploded." Is that right? You literally EXPLODED? Wow, I bet the rest of the folks at the Hometown Buffet were aghast, what, with being caught in the resulting barrage of bodily shrapnel and all. No, you FIGURATIVELY exploded. It's a metaphor, and you're a dumbass. Literally.

Same goes for anyone who says they "could care less." Again, that's the opposite of what they mean. I'm going to go slow on this one, so bear with me. Okay, suppose someone tells you that Pete from down the block thinks you're an asshole. Since Pete himself is a royal douchebag, his opinion doesn't mean anything. Coming from Pete, "Hey, you're an asshole" might even be considered a compliment. So if you don't care at all, you care nothing, zero, nada, zilch, then you COULDN'T care less. You could not care less than nothing, zero, etc., etc. If you "COULD care less," That would mean you would have to care, to at least some degree, that Pete thinks you're an asshole which we've already determined that you don't.

Got that?

Moving on, what about those mental midgets on Wheel of Fortune who continue to buy vowels after they've already figured out the answer to the puzzle. Um, dipshit, you don't have to fill in every single letter, and by the way those vowels cost money. But by all means, go ahead and dump another 250 bucks down the crapper for that superfluous A, E, I, O, or U.


Uh, Pat, I'd like to buy an I please."

Smack the shit out of him, Pat, I beg you.

The other day I was reminded of just how clueless some parents are. I've seen this before, but I was at a nearby theme park and a mom had her four year-old on a leash. Yeah, I know, they call it a "safety harness" but they're not fooling anyone.  It's a leash! Hello, Mrs. Cleaver? If your kid doesn't know enough to stay close to you, and for some reason holding her hand is out of the question, maybe you shouldn't take her to crowded parks to begin with. If my parents did that to me when I was a kid, I'd have pissed on a tree, dry-humped the neighbor's leg and bitten the mailman. You want a dog, Mommy, you got one! Of course, when daughter-on-a-leash grows into a teenager and Mom catches her tied to the bedposts by her sado-masochistic boyfriend Snake, Mom will go on endlessly about how "society" damages our nation's youth.

Excuse me, sir, but I can't see the sign.  'Cause I'm BLIND!
This next one doesn't really make me mad, but it's still friggin' stupid. I was at the drive thru ATM the other day and I noticed that the buttons were in Braille. I'll say that again in case you missed it. I was at the drive thru ATM and the buttons were in Braille. I'm all for the Americans with Disabilities Act, but what the hell? If a blind guy is driving his car, he's going to have bigger things to worry about than accessing his cash in an expedient manner. They also have a sign at McDonald's: BRAILLE MENUS AVAILABLE. Great, but who is the sign for, the dog? It's like making an announcement over the P.A. system at the airport, "Will all deaf passengers please report to Gate 34." Find another medium for that message, folks.

Damn, this is better than therapy and much more cost-effective. I'm feeling more upbeat already. Thanks for letting me vent, I appreciate your support. I don't know what came over me today.

I'm usually always in a better frame of mind.

But you could probably care less.


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Tom said...

90 percent of the time I always like your post's.
This one could almost really be the funniest one I have read today.

J.J. in L.A. said...

You're hilarious even when you're pissed off. Who knew?

Btw, what pisses me off is when people say, "Offen". There's a 't' in there, people! It's "OfTen".

There...I feel better.

MikeWJ at Too Many Mornings said...

You're usually always funny. But I laughed so hard at this one, I literally exploded. But I suppose you could care lss what I think about it.

Whoops! Could I buy an e, Knuck?

nonamedufus said...

Go ahead and vent, Chris. Wouldn't you rather be pissed off than pissed on...literally?

Phillipia said...

I really could care less...really...

Helle Kristine Tumbridge said...

Let it out, let it out! I am having a bad day too! I hate the way people constantly use "literally", fuck off, idiots. Very British humour, but here is a little something that takes the piss out of those types .
Although, regarding the leashes, I have always been clumsy, so I had one as a child. When I tripped for the umpteenth time, my mother yanked it up, and for a brief second, it felt like I was flying, good stuff.

laughingmom said...

I would have read your post and probably would have literally laughed my head off at the humor which is usually always funny but I had a hard time since it wasn't in on that would you? (oops is that too/two/to insensitive?)

Boom Boom Larew said...

I recommend the kid puts the parents on the leash and holds the dog's paw on walks. It's much safer that way.

Gina said...

Just found your blog. Totally great rant mostly (except the leash thing....I had my kids 14 months apart (another story there). After trying to take care of the newborn and the 14 month old wandered off, we got a "Safety Harness." I'd rather deal with Snake later than when she's only 14 months old!)

LadyHavoc said...

I hate to ruin your rant, but the braille is on the drive up ATMs because they only make one keypad for ATMs. It's easier and cheaper that way, so all ATMs have braille.

I don't understand the braille menus at the drive thru, though. It's McDonald's, people. They haven't changed the menu that much in years.

Quirkyloon said...


You sure hit the funny when you're in a mood.

And NOTHING ticks me off more then when the contestant buys more flippin' vowels or consants when the answer is obvious.

I care. Not less. Not more. I just care.


Danger Boy said...

Oh, truth and humor at the same time. I swear, I think you've peered into my brainpan and pulled out my linguistic pet peeves and written them here. Saves me the typing really. :)

I literally laughed at this post. Literally.

Shawn said...

Very nice. Intelligence is typically in short supply on Wheel of Fortune, though, so I'm not sure that's a fair target.


Oh, and to the commenter above, often with a silent "t" is a perfectly acceptable way to say it. You don't say "soff-ten" do you?

EmptyNester said...

Sometimes, I always enjoy your posts. You are usually always funny! I literally laughed out loud!

Amanda said...

My biggie is when people use "concerning" as an adjective.

"These low grades are quite concerning."

No, they are NOT concerning you lackwit; they're worrisome. Concerning is a preposition, clueless modern dictionaries be hanged.

Kat said...

That is a great rant and I agree with every one of your pet peeves. When it comes to language, one of my biggest peeves is hearing people say "baddery". No you ninny, that word has t's in it not d's - baTTery!!!

KaLynn ("MiMi") said...

The word that drives me nuts is idear instead of idea! just stop you moron before you add the R!! or ideal when they have an IDEA! Ideal is perfect, idea is a thought.......

I wondered how you could care less about something you dont care about in the first place, kinda like my daughter telling me something is adorably cute but she would never be caught dead in it. so then it's not cute, right? No. it's cute. i just wouldn't wear it. ok. i don't get that one either. if you can figure that one out would you let me know?

Hildy said...

Oh, deah! Oh, deah, KaLynn. If you're a native of New Yawk, then the rule of pronunciation is that you do not pronounce the r in any word that has one, but add an r to the end of any word that ends in an a. For example: "My cousin Pauler [Paula] had an idear [idea]." Or as my cousin the hackie (translation: cabdriver) responded to a tourist who asked if he was a foreigner: "Yeah. I'm from Brooklyn."

injaynesworld said...

I feel your pain.

The one that makes me want to stick hot pokers in someone's eyes is when people use "drug" as the past tense of drag. It's dragged.

D-r-a-g-g-e-d. Dragged.

You only "drug" the chair across the roof if you administered drugs to it and what a fine waste of good drugs that would be, now wouldn't it?

I like you. ;)

Fragrant Liar said...

Well, I'm sure it was worth your wild to get that out of your system. ;-)

Anonymous said...

lol knucklehead love reading your blogs makes me laugh

44 bombers

Steph said...

ah, I catch myself saying "could care less" and I do realize that it is a pointless, incorrect phrase. It's just one of those things I have picked up. The masses are infecting each other with idiocy.

roughneckturtle/Jeff C. said...

I couldn't agree with ya more. Add spelling, and I'd say you work for the government and was spying.

If I Were God... said...

I used to answer people who said "I could care less" with "So you care a little then?" but got tired of the blank looks so now I just let it go.

A big one in cities with ethnic communities is people saying "conversate", which is not even a word, when they mean "talk to" or "speak with". I won't suggest 'converse', as they would think 'sneakers?' and make it even more confusing.

Anger suits you well, dude, keep it.
Before you post next time, drop a bowling ball on your foot and then start typing.

Brooke Amanda said...

I used to work in a mall and people had their kids on those leashes all the time. I used to think it was cruel until I realized how many ghetto crackheads/pedophile-looking freakshows hung out at our mall. I guess you can never be too careful!

Elizabeth Newlin said...

OK, so on the 'could care less' rant: This has been one of my big pet peeves. I explained and bitched to my husband about it so many times he now says 'couldn't care less' like an intelligent person. In my years of hating this dumb misused phrase, however, I did have someone fairly intelligent explain to me that it is meant to be said ironically and that with the proper inflection it's actually correct. Like, 'Well I COULD care less.' as opposed to the way it is usually said, 'I could CARE less.' So now I'm slightly torn. I still say 'couldn't care less' but I try not to assume people are morons if they say 'could care less' with the emphasis on the right word for irony. thoughts?

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