Tuesday, November 30, 2010

The McRib Experiment: McRansom!

Okay, no more Mr. McNice Guy.

First, I tried to get Theresa to eat a McRib by offering her ten bucks.  She turned it down without a second's hesitation.  Undeterred, I moved on to Plan B, which involved a certificate for a half-hour massage and some really, really fine print.  The plan actually worked like a charm, as she accepted the offered massage.  However, displaying a shameful disregard of the established contract, Theresa refused to honor the microscopic "Neener-Neener-Now-You-Gotta-Eat-a-McRib" clause.

So, left with no other choice, I had her dog Newton kidnapped.

Theresa was sitting in the living room, probably thinking about what a great deal she could get on Halloween decorations for next year.  She's kind of obsessive like that.  I heard her son Doug and his girlfriend Obie come in through the front door.  I intercepted them before they could get to the living room.

"I need one of you guys to take Newton for a drive.  Just fifteen minutes or so," I said.

They knew what I was up to, so Obie volunteered.  She took Newt out to her car while Doug went upstairs and I placed a phone call to a third accomplice, my brother Bobby.

"Dude, I need your help with something," I said.  I explained my McQuest, and gave him his instructions.  This is the brother who, when he was seven, rigged a booby trap for our babysitter and then hit her in the face with a bucket of water.  He was absolutely the right guy for this assignment.

I went back upstairs and sat on the couch, waiting.  A couple minutes later, Theresa's cell phone rang.


"Do you know where your dog is?"

"Excuse me?"

"Doooo . . . yoooooo . . . knowwwww . . . where your dog is?"

"Who is this?"

"It's Ronald McDonald.  Have you seen your dog lately?"

Theresa covered the phone and asked me and Doug, "Have you guys seen Newton?"

"He's not here?"  We pretended to look for the dog, calling his name over and over, trying not to chuckle.  Of course, he didn't respond.  He was on a pleasant drive with Obie.  Meanwhile, Theresa's panic level was rising.

"Do you have my dog? . . . WHO IS THIS!  YOU'RE NOT RONALD MCDONALD!"  Finally, she hung up on him, and helped us look for Newton.

That's when I texted her this picture:

The text was clearly sent by "CHRIS CELL".  Why this didn't clue her in to the prank, I have no idea.

"Oh my God!  Someone just texted me a picture of Newton!  He's blindfolded!  Who took this picture?!"

She ran out into the back yard, frantically calling out, "NEWTON!  NEWTON!" while Doug and I watched from the back deck.

"Think we should tell her?" he asked.

"Not just yet.  Let her sweat it out just a little longer."

She came back inside.  "He's not out here!  The gate's still locked so he couldn't have gotten out, where the hell is he?"  She went to look downstairs.

When she was out of earshot, Doug looked at me and said, "You know she's gonna be pissed, right?"

"I told her she should've just eaten the McRib when I offered her ten bucks.  This is her own fault."

"Yeah, I'm sure she's gonna see it like that."

"Okay, okay, I'll let her in on it."  I took out my phone and texted her this:

From downstairs, I heard her phone beep, followed by an ominous silence.

And then the yelling started.

"YOU KIDNAPPED NEWTON TO GET ME TO EAT A FUCKING MCRIB?!  WHERE THE HELL IS HE?!"  She stormed back upstairs and gave me a look that would cause ravenous wolves to flee in terror and woodchucks to burst into flame.

"If I tell you, will you eat one?"  I asked.


"Fine, then I don't know where he is.  He probably ran away and got hit by a truck."

"You're a jerk.  Where is he?"

"Eat the McRib?"

"Yeah, okay, fine, where's my dog?"

Doug called Obie who returned moments later with Newton who, as usual, hadn't the foggiest clue what was going on.

Theresa eventually calmed down, and she started putting it all together.  "Who was it that called me?" she asked.

"That was Bobby."

She grabbed her phone, and called his number.  Suffice it to say, someone's going to be short one Christmas present this year.

Victorious, I drove to McDonald's to get a McRib.  As a minor concession, I agreed to let Theresa special order it, no pickles or onions.  By the time I got home, though, she had reconsidered the whole thing.

"Forget it, I'm not eating one."

A rather boisterous argument ensued, Doug and I taking the "you gotta eat one, you promised" point of view, Theresa adamantly in the "oh no I don't, either" camp.  Obie was keeping out of it, as she was already in enough trouble with Theresa and our other dog Munson, who was pissed off that she didn't take him for a ride in the car.

"Okay, okay," Theresa finally agreed.  "I'll take ONE bite, and then you have to eat some seaweed."

"That wasn't part of the deal," I said.  Seaweed is friggin' disgusting.  Theresa eats it all the time, wrapped around rice and fish into a "moosabee" or something like that.  Truly, they're gross.

"Do you want me to eat the McRib or not?"

Remembering the original goal, I said, "Fine.  But you're eating the McRib first."

She was a bit reluctant at first:

She tried to get away with a couple microscopic nibbles, but Doug and I weren't about to let her get away with it.  "You gotta at least take a full bite, meat and bun," I said.  So she did.

I kept my end of the bargain by choking down a bit of seaweed.  In case you're wondering, it tastes just like fish food smells, if that makes any sense. 

Of course, we still had about 90% of a McRib left uneaten.  Theresa sure wasn't going to finish it off, Doug and I both passed, and Obie was still sitting silently on the couch waiting for the whole ordeal to blow over.  In the end, there was only one reasonable thing to do . . .

It was only fair.  Newton had gone through a pretty traumatic experience.

It may have taken a few weeks of playing Sam-I-Am -- offering bribes, giving a massage, and finally stooping to doggie abduction -- but as promised, I got Theresa to eat (or at least take a bite of ) a McRib sandwich.

Mission McComplished.


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Sunday, November 28, 2010

Satchmo, Please Forgive Us

Ken Gorelick (aka "Kenny G") is probably the most well-known saxophonist in America, as far as the general public is concerned.  Not that the American public knows all that much about jazz (or, for that matter, saxophones), but to be honest, what Kenny G plays isn't really jazz anyway.  Kenny plays "jazz" like Weird Al Yankovic performs contemporary music, which is to say, it's a joke.  Only Kenny isn't kidding.

Without going into a detailed analysis of Gorelick's simplistic, repetitive improvisational style or his out-of-tune, chainsaw-like tone quality, suffice it to say that there are literally hundreds of sax players who no one other than hard-core jazz aficionados has ever heard of (Eric Marienthal, Gerald Albright, and Jay Beckenstein, are a few quick examples) that could play rings around Kenny G.

Sure, Gorelick found a niche in the mainstream pop instrumental genre, and that's fine. It's not jazz, of course, but aside from that, I wouldn't feel compelled to comment on him at all if it weren't for a recording I heard not too long ago.

I was doing some browsing on iTunes, looking for Louis Armstrong's classic recording of "What a Wonderful World". You may be familiar with this tune from the movie "Good Morning, Vietnam." Anyway, while searching for that song, I came across the following:

What a Wonderful World (Kenny G and Louis Armstrong).

"What the bloody hell?" I said to myself.

Since Louis Armstrong died in 1971, not to mention that during his legendary career as one of the pioneers of jazz he never displayed any particular desire to collaborate with schlocky, curly-haired, white bread soprano sax players,  I thought it highly unlikely that he'd ever made a recording with Kenny G.  Against my better judgment, I went ahead and listened to the sample of the song, and then did a little research. It turns out that Kenny Fucking Gorelick had taken it upon himself to overdub his mindless noodling on top of Armstrong's classic master tapes, and then release the results on an album.

He may as well have pissed on the Mona Lisa.

It's not like Kenny was the first to do this, though. Natalie Cole released a very popular version of "Unforgettable", on which she'd dubbed her vocals over her father's original recording. I'm willing to cut Natalie some slack, because it was her father and there is a certain sentimentality to it.

But for Kenny G, of all people, to presume that HE had the right to defile Armstrong is simply absurd. It's one thing if, say, Wynton Marsalis did it. Wynton is a student of jazz history, and has complete respect for those who came before him. But Wynton has more class than to do such a thing.

Let me put it another way. Suppose you took your family on a vacation to London for the sole purpose of attending the Leeds Shakespeare Festival. You're very excited about this, a British theatre group performing the Shakespearean masterpiece, Romeo and Juliet. You get all dressed up, give your tickets to the pompous yet dignified doorman and take your seats. The curtain rises. During Act I, Scene I, Montague says, "Could we but learn from whence his sorrows grow. We would as willingly give cure as know." Enter Romeo . . .

. . . played by Carrot Top.

What Kenny G did, in essence, was commit artistic necrophilia. He abducted Armstrong's classic recording of "What a Wonderful World", bent it over a table, and sodomized it with a soprano saxophone.

Gorelick, just go back to spewing your half-assed, bland-as-mayonnaise hits like "Songbird" and whatever else you've conned the public into listening to.

Leave the real musicians alone.


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Wednesday, November 24, 2010

The Best and the Worst: Movie Villains

 A couple weeks ago, I was watching the movie Seven for the twentieth or so time, and I came to the conclusion that the serial killer John Doe (played magnificently by Kevin Spacey) has to be the most intelligent, meticulous, and downright sinister villain in the history of motion pictures.  I'll elaborate more on this momentarily, but after giving it some thought, I tried to come up with some other great movie villains and in contrast, some of their inept and shallow peers.  I'm only going to discuss "main" villains here so you won't be reading about flying monkeys, Mr. Smee, or other less-noteworthy bad guys.

I guess it would help to set up a few guidelines as to what makes a great movie villain.  First of all, it must be someone purely evil, but in his own mind he's the good guy whose quirks and psychological malfunctions are perfectly normal.  He's got a clear agenda, and the focus and determination to make his dastardly dreams come true.  He also has to be someone who the audience almost can't help rooting for.  Sure, we KNOW he's the bad guy but dog-gone-it, we find ourselves on his side some of the time, and we can't wait to see him on-screen again.

Those who made my "worst" list are just the opposite.  They're shallow, easily thwarted by the "hero", and as viewers, we just can't WAIT to see them get their comeuppance.  The kind of guy that you find yourself thinking, mid-movie, man, that guy is gonna die one grisly-ass death (or, in less violent flicks, get really, really humiliated.  I'm looking at YOU, Biff).

So here we go, a look at the best and the worst of cinematic scumbags.


 1. John Doe (Seven)

While there's no doubt whatsoever that this guy was a complete psychopath, you have to give him credit.  Unlike so many other villains, John saw his plan through to the end, and when the game was over he was the winner.  Sure, "winning" required him to be, you know, dead, but we're not going to be nit-picky about things.  And there's no question about his dedication to his craft.  He sliced off his fingerprints, compiled hundreds of meticulous notebooks, and actually spent time in a public library.  How many twisted whack jobs can say that?  He's also one of the few villains who, if we're going to look at it objectively, didn't get caught.  As he tells Detective Mills, "let me remind you, Detective, the only reason I'm here right now is because I wanted to be."  It was all part of his master plan.

A plan, by the way, that included a variety of murder techniques that would make Charles Manson look like an Eagle Scout.  Doe killed a guy with canned spaghetti, for crying out loud.  He made a defense attorney hack off his own flesh (and who doesn't enjoy seeing a lawyer get killed?  I know I sure do.).  And for his coup de gras, he cut off Mills's wife's head, packaged it up, and sent it to him via speedy courier.

What's in the box, indeed.

2. Hannibal Lecter (Silence of the Lambs, Hannibal)

Even when he was eating people, you couldn't completely hate the charismatic Dr. Lecter.  He was so intelligent, so completely calm, and had just enough of a sense of humor to make him sort of likable, in his own demented way.

Enter Clarisse Starling.   Lecter was eager to assist the rookie FBI agent in her pursuit of Buffalo Bill, but he had his own agenda in mind.  Quid pro quo, if you will.  While Starling was trying to get Hannibal to give her some insight into the mind of Buffalo Bill, the evil Dr. Lecter was busy foraging around in Starling's own psyche.  Poor Clarisse knew the guy was a psychotic killer, but she just couldn't help herself.  After a while, even she started to like the guy.

While Silence of the Lambs gave us our first look at the good doctor, it was the sequel where we really got to gaze into the depths of his depravity.  I mean, really.  The guy fed one of his enemies to an army of killer pigs, and made another one eat his own brain.  With melted butter.

That, my friends, is called "style".

3. The Joker (The Dark Knight)

There have been many cinematic interpretations of Batman's zany arch-nemesis, from Cesar Romero's jocular interpretation on the TV series, to Nicholson's somewhat campy turn in the 1988 film.  But Heath Ledger showed us a Joker that was far more deranged than he was humorous.

First and foremost, the Joker was obsessed with Batman and wanted nothing more than to find out what made him tick (and learn his true identity).  Beyond that, though, the Joker didn't seem to have a particular objective in mind when creating citywide chaos.  Stir the pot and scare the hell out of people, that was basically the gist of it.  As he himself said (to a facially bereft Harvey Dent), "Do I look like a guy with a plan?  No.  I just do things.  I'm like a dog chasing cars, I wouldn't know what to do if I caught one."

Of all the bedlam he brought to Gotham City, I was particularly impressed with his "give the people on two different boats the opportunity and motivation to destroy the other one."  Creative, sure, but it was also a sociological experiment.

How about that, the Joker was a scientist.

4. Darth Vader (Star Wars Series)

Lord Vader (nee: Anakin Skywalker) could read minds, hurl objects across the room without actually picking them up, and choke a guy out from across the room.  If that doesn't intimidate the shit out of you, I don't know what will.  He was also a hands-on leader and one hell of a fighter pilot, willing to lead his troops into the belly of the beast (or the metallic canyons of the Death Star, if we're going to be historically accurate here).

Technically, Vader was an apprentice of sorts, playing Otis to Emperor Palpatine's Lex Luthor.  But there was no questioning Vader's ultimate authority over his stormtroopers or Imperial officers.  Just ask the late Admiral Ozzel, who made the fatal mistake of bringing his cruiser out of hyperspace too soon.  When you're one of Darth Vader's employees, failure is, unquestionably, not an option.

Despite his nefarious military career, there was a tender heart beating within the Sith Lord's chest.  It was a technologically enhanced heart, crackling with electrical wires and microchips, but a heart nonetheless.  When light saber came to lightning bolts, Vader shunned the dark side, hurling Emperor Palpatine to his death in order to save his estranged son Luke Skywalker.

In that galaxy far, far away, apparently, blood is thicker than evil.

5. Dr. Evil (Austin Powers Trilogy)

Okay, from a purely objective standpoint, Dr. Evil can't really be thought of as a criminal mastermind, but damn it, the dude's entertaining.  He's a villain from the old school, seeking to bilk the world out of one million dollars and dispose of his enemies (specifically Austin Powers) by such inventive methods as sharks with laser beams on their heads.

Dr. Evil has a Daffy Duck-like quality to him, in that he always knows what it would take to come out on top, but he can't quite seem to pull it off.  He was great at concocting his devilish schemes, but something always got in the way, not unlike when Bugs would pull the ol' verbal switcheroo on Daffy, tricking the duck into shouting "DUCK SEASON, FIRE!" which of course resulted in having his beak blown all to hell.

The main problem with Dr. Evil, though, is that he's a walking cliche.  He engages in the time-honored "villain's monologue" where he lays out exactly what he's going to do to outwit the hero.  After telling Powers what was up, he then left the room and as he explained to his son Scotty, "no, we're not going to watch, we're going to leave and assume everything will go according to plan."

The Riddler would've been proud. 


1. Harry and Marv (Home Alone)

When Macaulay Culkin can make you his bitch, it's time to abandon your life of crime and take up something a little less risky, like selling Girl Scout cookies or attending Sunday night bingo games.  Harry and Marv were so inept they made the Three Stooges look like the Three Musketeers.

First off, they violated the cardinal rule of home invasion burglary which states, "If someone is in the home, seek a different target."  Even if we're willing to forgive them for their initial break-in, once they took the paint cans to the face, it was clearly time to move on.

And really, "The Wet Bandits"?  It sounds like a team of incontinent old men wearing Depends.

2. Ivan Drago (Rocky IV)

Also known by the chilling moniker "Death From Above," Ivan Drago was a finely-tuned, perfectly trained Russian assault cyborg disguised as a professional boxer.  All he did was beat people up while his exceptionally hot wife and politically-controlled manager did his talking for him.  Drago himself had very little to say, so little in fact that he makes the Terminator sound like Jesse Jackson.  Here's a few of Drago's famous quips:

"I must break you."

"You will lose."

"If he dies, he dies."

And for God's sake, the bastard killed Apollo Creed.  That was completely uncalled for.

From a boxing standpoint, though, Drago seemed invincible.  He stood about six-five, weighed in at 260 pounds of rock-solid muscle, trained like a beast, and if all that wasn't enough, his training staff fueled him with a daily supply of anabolic steroids.  But Rocky Balboa possessed three qualities that allowed him to defeat his seemingly superior opponent.  First off, Rocky packed a mean body punch which is the key to taking down a taller fighter.  Secondly, he had an indomitable spirit and was willing to endure tremendous pain and adversity to accomplish his goals.  Finally, and this is perhaps the most important of all, he wrote the screenplay.

Drago never had a chance.

3. John Creese (The Karate Kid)

This asshole got his jollies by intimidating punk-ass teenagers and turning them into class A douchebags.  And then, when Miyagi and Daniel-san systematically brought a couple Samsonite bags full of whoop-ass to the All-Valley Karate Tournament, Creese had one of his Cobras resort to cheating in an effort to stave off embarrassment.  It didn't work, though, thanks to Daniel's "crane technique."

After the match, even Creese's star pupil Johnny Lawrence saw the light and congratulated Daniel, in a show of sportsmanship unprecedented in Cobra Kai history.  You know what happened next?  Creese smacked Johnny around in the parking lot and broke his second place trophy in half.

What a dick.

Of course, Mr. Miyagi intervened and without even laying a hand on Creese, served the evil sensei a heaping helping of humiliation in the form of a couple bloody fists and a nose-tweak.  As a result, Creese has spent the last couple decades doing one thing, and one thing only.

I'll give you a hint.  It isn't "wax on".

4. Biff Tannen (Back to the Future Trilogy)

Biff, Biff, Biff.  The tandem of Marty McFly and Doc Brown gave it to this loser in three different centuries.  This is not to say that Tannen didn't have his moments, in fact, in one alternate reality he became a multi-millionaire after swiping Marty's copy of Gray's Sports Almanac and using it to make a series of successful bets.  He used his newfound wealth to build a sleazy empire of gambling and prostitution (why do bad guys never use their wealth to, say, support public education or feed the homeless?) and after killing Marty's father George, marry the girl of his dreams, Lorraine Baines-McFly.  But that reality would eventually change.

At the end of the day (or the year, or the century, or whatever), Biff was far too predictable and his resources were far too limited for him to have any long-term success as a bully or thug.  His inept trio of henchman wasn't much help, either (for example, 3D glasses really screw up your depth perception).  When all was said and done, the Tannens got everything that they deserved.

Usually in the form of a truckload of manure.

5. Shooter McGavin (Happy Gilmore)

Even among incompetent bad guys, Shooter McGavin was fairly tame.  He wasn't looking to take over the world, he didn't want to pull off a brilliant bank heist, and he certainly wasn't about to chop off Gwyneth Paltrow's head and ship it to Brad Pitt.  He just wanted to win a gold jacket and thwart Happy Gilmore's meteoric rise to golf stardom.  That sounds like a reasonably harmless master plan, but McGavin went about it completely the wrong way.

He messed with Happy's grandma.

I'll give villains a lot of leeway in their methods, especially if they're clever or entertaining.  As I mentioned earlier, Hannibal's scheme to feed Ray Liotta his own brain was off-the-charts brilliant and uniquely twisted.  John Doe letting a pedophile rot over the course of an entire year, that's just breath-taking.  But I don't think any of those guys would stoop to messing with somebody's grandmother.  It's just not done.

Thankfully, Shooter's poorly thought-out plan backfired on him and Granny got her house back.

He never did get his yellow jacket.


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Sunday, November 21, 2010

The McRib Experiment: The Fine Print

In my continuing quest to persuade my fiance Theresa to eat a McRib, I've now had to resort to, in the words of former President George W. Bush, some trickeration.  Previously, Theresa turned down my offer of ten dollars (eighty-seven cents Canadian) to partake of the tasty McSandwich so I was forced to develop Plan B, which went something like this:

Completely out of the blue, I presented Theresa with a certificate for a free "expectation free" massage, and when I say "expectation free," I trust that all of you in committed relationships will know precisely what I'm talking about.  It was just going to be a massage.  That's all. 

So a few nights ago, after a long day's work, Theresa decided to redeem her certificate.  "This is really nice," she said.  "What did I do to deserve this?"

"What did you do?  Nothing.  I just know you've been working hard, so I thought I'd help you relax," I said, stifling a sinister chuckle.  "Just lie down and let me take it from there."

So she received her half-hour massage.  All humility aside, I think I did a pretty good job.

"That was nice," said Theresa.  "I feel so spoiled."

"Well, you know, you did have the certificate.  When something's written out like that, you're kind of obligated to follow through, right?"

"That's right, and I appreciate it."

The trap, my friends, had been set.

The next day, she called me at work.  "I just wanted to thank you again for pampering me last night.  It was very thoughtful of you."

"Yeah, well, you did read the fine print, right?"

Blurry I know, but you get the idea.
I forgot to tell you earlier, at the very bottom of the certificate, I included a line of very small print, and I do mean very small.  I think I set the point size at six.  Five, perhaps.  Also, I changed the font color from standard black to a pale gray, not too much different than the color of the paper the certificate was printed on.

 But it was there so it counts, right?  Who's with me on this?

"The fine print?  What are you talking about?"

"The fine print on the certificate.  Wanna know what it said?"

"I'm not eating a fucking McRib."

"Au contraire," I said, because whenever possible I like to work a little French into the conversation.  "According to the certificate, which is now valid because you accepted the promised massage, the bearer must consume one McRib sandwich."

"Dammit," said Theresa, "I should've known there was a catch.  And here I've been thinking how wonderful you are for taking care of me just because you wanted to.  But you didn't really want to, did you?  It was all part of your plan to make me eat a stupid McRib."

"Uh, well, no," I said, trying desperately to dig myself out of this one, "I wanted to give you a massage because, like I said, you've been working hard.  But then I thought I'd, you know, throw in the thing about the McRib."

"You're mean."

So once again, my dog Munson enjoyed a McRib dinner.  And when I went out in our back yard the next day, I learned something kind of interesting.  Without putting too fine a point on it, it seems that the canine digestive system does not adequately process chopped onions.

Now it's on to Plan C.  I don't know what that is yet, exactly, but I'll come up with something.



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Friday, November 19, 2010

Planes, Shuttles, and Busted Air Conditioners

The classic John Hughes film "Planes, Trains, and Automobiles" details the travel nightmares of Neil Page and Del Griffith, who suffer a series of mishaps while trying to get from New York to Chicago. Their situation was at times frustrating, infuriating, desperate, and after all was said and done, hilarious. Maybe you've had a few such excursions yourself. And although I did not end up with my ass looking "like a big Whopper" or have to hitch a ride to Stubbville in one degree weather with a hick named Owen, my trip to New York in the summer of 2008 would nonetheless qualify, to put it politely, as "obstacle-ridden".

Theresa and I had been planning our NYC vacation for several months. I grew up in Jersey, so I'd obviously been to New York on many occasions, but it was to be T's first visit to the City that Never Sleeps But Frequently Takes a Dump. And since I'm a die-hard Yankee fan and it was the last season for Yankee Stadium, the timing was perfect.

We organized our trip well in advance, deciding to fly out of Las Vegas rather than Los Angeles to save a few bucks, booked our hotel and double checked our reservations, bought our Yankee tickets and planned other activities to enjoy. We had our itinerary all set, no detail overlooked, and we were ready to go.

"What could possibly go wrong?" he asks foreshadowingly.

Our flight was scheduled to leave McCarran Airport in Vegas at 7:25 in the morning. I like to give myself plenty of time when I travel, so we arrived at check-in at 6:00. We checked the "Departing Flights" board and, lo and behold, there was the first sign of trouble. Our flight was listed as "delayed". Okay, no biggie, we were scheduled to arrive at JFK at about 3:00, flying non-stop, so another hour or two wouldn't be that big a deal. When we went to check our luggage, though, we saw a sign taped to the roped-off check-in line that said "Flight 261 passengers only".

Yeah, that was our flight number.

I'm not going to reveal the airline so as not to besmirch their stellar reputation, but let's just say it rhymes with "Schlamerican".

As we got closer to the front of the line, we overheard the lady at the counter tell a passenger, "We've booked you on a 10:00 flight that stops over in Atlanta, and it'll get you to JFK by 10PM."

Booked him on a flight?  This was sounding less like "delayed" and more like "cancelled".

When it was our turn, we learned that yes indeed, Flight 261 was cancelled due to "routine maintenance." Okay, I'm no airplane mechanic so I could easily be wrong on this, but wouldn't it make more sense to schedule "routine maintenance" for a time when, I don't know, the plane wasn't supposed to be taking passengers somewhere?"  We'd been re-booked on a different flight so now instead of leaving McCarran at 7:25 and flying non-stop to JFK and arriving at 3:00, we were now leaving at 11:00, stopping over in Dallas, and arriving at JFK at 9:30. That killed our dinner plans in the city, but we'd still have a little time to get settled.

We had breakfast (I had a McCarran McMuffin, which wouldn't be worth mentioning except for the fact that this turned out to be my last meal for about 16 hours), found our gate, and relaxed with a couple magazines. All right. At least we got the travel snafu out of the way early.

Little did Theresa and I know, this was only the beginning.

We arrived in Dallas without incident, and had about 45 minutes to kill before our connecting flight was scheduled to leave. T picked up a couple cheeseburgers at the airport McDonalds, but I wasn't that hungry so I decided to wait till we got to New York. This was not a great decision.  Five minutes before we were supposed to board, the gate attendant announced that our flight was being delayed about an hour. But wait, that's not all. Since they needed the gate for another flight, we were going to board the plane, taxi out to the tarmac, and wait there until it was time to take off.

So now we were sitting in a metal tube in 104 degree Texas heat with the engines (and therefore, the air conditioning) shut off to conserve fuel. Being wrapped in a blanket and rammed up the ass of a feverish llama would've been only slightly less comfortable.

I'm assuming.

We finally arrived at JFK at about 11:00 PM. We went down to baggage claim frustrated, exhausted, and in my case starving. I said to T, "You know that our luggage is somewhere in Manitoba right now, don't you?" Well, our luggage wasn't in Manitoba, actually our bags were the first ones down the chute, (What? Something went right? There must be some mistake!) so now all we had to do was catch our shuttle to the hotel and this day from hell would be over.

Ninety minutes and three phone calls later, the van from Steaming Pile o' Shuttle arrived.

Traffic leaving JFK was pretty much a fustercluck, so we arrived at our hotel at about 2:00 AM. I was absolutely famished, so we went up to the room to put our luggage away so we could go eat. When we got to the room, the thermostat read 92 degrees. Okay, we figured, the room had probably been vacant for a few days so if we crank up the AC and go grab something to eat, when we get back it'll be all nice and cool.

We walked across the street to the Carnegie Deli, and I had a roast beef sandwich that, I kid you not, was the size of a bowling ball. It was T's first experience in New York, so the atmosphere was perfect, if not our dispositions. We boxed up the substantial leftovers and headed back to the hotel. When we got back to the room, the thermostat now read 93 degrees. Beautiful.

I called the front desk, and asked if, you know, if it wouldn't be too much trouble, could they maybe send up a guy to keep the bed linens from bursting into flame.  I mean, the room wasn't merely hot, it was equatorial. About ten minutes later there was a knock on our door, and we welcomed Gustav the Repairman, he of limited English skills. After taking apart the unit, he managed to form the sentence "Ees broken, get new part in zee mornink."

After about four hours of sweat-soaked semi-sleep (Theresa told me she actually had a dream that she was melting), I went back to the front desk and said to the hotel manager, "Look. We had a miserable night. We're going out for a while today, and when we get back at about four o'clock, we'll need for the air to be fixed or to have our room changed. Will that work?"

The nice lady assured me that, yes, that would be fine. We went sight-seeing, had a nice lunch (is there anything better than New York pizza? I submit that there is NOT!), and when we returned to the hotel, it was nice and cool.  Three cheers for Gustav.

Thankfully, that was the last of the problems. The Yanks thoroughly abused the Twins on both nights we were there, we saw Wicked on Broadway, had dinner at the famous Elaine's (where they seemed to be hosting the Corleone family reunion) and in general had a wonderful time. Once we got that first day behind us, it was smooth sailing.

Until the trip home, when our flight was delayed three hours.

But I did use that extra time to buy a really nice set of shower curtain rings from a chatty fat guy.


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Monday, November 15, 2010

The McRib Experiment: The Bribe

Several days ago, my fiance Theresa assured me that there was, and I quote, "No way you can get me to eat a McRib."  Of course, I took this as a challenge, so now I'm going to do everything in my power to get her to partake of the McDonald's "Limited Time Only" delicacy.  We're calling it, "The McRib Experiment".

My first attempt took place on the evening of November 9th.  I stopped by the local Mickey D's on my way home from work and ordered the McRib combo.  Immediately, there was a problem.

"I'm sorry, but we're out of McRib buns," said the drive-through McPloyee.

"You've gotta be freakin' kiddin' me.  You've got these things for six weeks and you're already out of buns?"

"We're expecting some more in about fifteen minutes if you want to wait.  Or we could put it on one of our honey baked rolls."

"Yeah, fine, do that." I said.  It's mystery meat slathered in fake barbecue sauce.  How much worse could a substitute bun make it?

When I got home, Theresa was sitting in the living room.  "Hi, Honey," I said.  "I got you something to eat.  Take a look."  I held up the McDonald's bag.

"I'm not eating a McRib," she said.

"Okay, here's the deal.  I'll give you ten bucks right now to eat it."  Suddenly I started to feel a little bit like Sam-I-Am.  If she turned down the money, maybe I could get her to eat one in a box.  Or with a fox.  Or in a house.  Or with a mouse.

I took a ten dollar bill from my wallet and set it along side the McRib.

"No way," said Theresa.  "Look at that crap, it's disgusting."

Her son Doug came over.  "Can I have the ten bucks if I eat it?"

"No.  It's for your mom.  Besides, for ten bucks, you'd eat your own shoe."

"What's your point?" asked Doug.

"Yeah, well, forget it."  I turned to Theresa.  "Well, there it is, all yours."

"I told you I'm not eating that," said Theresa.

"You sure?  Ten dollars . . . Meal, or No Meal?" I asked, dramatically.

"Uh, no meal."

Since I'm not going to go above a ten-spot for the bribery phase, I guess it's time to move on to Plan B.  And don't worry, there is most definitely a Plan B.

Oh, and in case you were wondering, the McRib didn't go to waste . . .

Of course, the fact that Munson went out in the back yard and immediately yakked all over the place is only going to make my mission more difficult.



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Thursday, November 11, 2010

What Ever Happened To . . . Thing One and Thing Two?

Mike and Mark Fitzmulligan were identical twins, born in Springfield, Illinois in 1952.  For the most part, the boys' childhood was unremarkable.  They were friendly young men and excellent students, adored by their teachers as well as their peers.  After school, the boys worked part time at the market owned by their parents Henry and Connie, where they stocked shelves, swept the floor, and bagged groceries.  The Fitzmulligan Twins were among the most popular and well-liked kids in all of Springfield, which makes what happened to them even more tragic.

One afternoon in April of 1967,  Mark was manning the checkstand when a suspicious-looking customer entered the market.

"Good morning, sir, welcome to Fitzmulligan's," said Mark.  "Can I help you find anything?"

"Why yes," answered  a six-foot three-inch black and white cat wearing only a red and white hat and bow tie.  "Where do you keep your tuna?"

"Here, let me show you," said Mark, stepping out from behind the counter.  "The canned fish are right over . . ."

That's as far as he got.  Without warning, the cat clubbed the unsuspecting twin over the head with an umbrella, dragged him out to the street, and tossed him into a large wooden box in the bed of a 1962 Ford pickup.  The cat closed the latch on the box trapping Mark inside.  That's when Mike came out of the store, trying to figure out why his brother was no longer working the cash register.

"Excuse me, sir," he said to the cat.  "Did you happen to see my brother?  He's about four-foot two and looks, well, exactly like me."

"Why yes, he's standing right there behind you.  I don't know how you missed him."

Mike fell for it -- hook, line and sinker.  When he turned around, the cat whacked him with the umbrella and loaded him in the box with his twin brother.  The cat climbed into the driver's seat and sped away.

For the next month, the felonious feline subjected the Fitzmulligan twins to various types of physical and mental torture.  He dressed them in identical red jumpsuits, dyed their hair a hideous shade of blue, and fed them nothing but brown sugar cinnamon Pop Tarts and Jim Beam whiskey.  To dehumanize the twins, the cat referred to them only as Thing One and Thing Two; if the boys dared to call each other by their given names, the umbrella came out and the beatings commenced.  The two Things spent most of their time drunk out of their minds, and the cat only let them out of their box when he wanted to vent his anger, which often included playing a game he called "Hit That Thing".

In addition to being a violent psychopath, the cat was a petty thief and he often took Thing One and Thing Two with him on jobs, one of which has been well documented.

It was a rainy Saturday morning.  Sally and Tommy McCrumm were left at home, just the two of them, while their mother Josie went to the store to do the weekly grocery shopping.  Mrs. McCrumm was a single mother, and while she would have preferred to hire a sitter to look after her children (Tommy, the older of the two, was only eleven), her budget didn't allow for such luxuries.  Most Saturdays this wasn't a problem, as the kids were fairly responsible, but on this particular afternoon some adult supervision would've saved an awful lot of heartache and paperwork later.

As Tommy would explain to the investigating officers, at around 1:25 PM something went "bump", and that bump made them jump.  They looked to see what caused the noise, and that's when they saw him.  They saw him step in on the mat.  They looked, and they saw him, the cat in the hat.  Tommy immediately told the furry intruder to leave the premises, as they weren't allowed to have visitors while their mother was out.  The cat, however, ignored the boy's pleas and began to destroy the family's possessions.  He started with a book, a teapot, a cake, a rake, and most troublesome of all, a glass bowl containing the family goldfish, Mr. Krinklebine.  The cat later claimed that he was merely trying to juggle these items to entertain the children, but Sally insisted, "the cat wasn't juggling at all, he just tossed everything up in the air.  The cake splattered, the coffee cup shattered, and if Tommy hadn't caught the fishbowl, Mr. K was a goner."

As the kids scrambled to clean up the mess, Mr. Krinklebine screamed at the cat, "Get out of here!  You should not be here when their mother is not!"  The cat did, in fact, leave the house at this point, only to return moments later carrying the wooden box containing two things formerly known as Mark and Mike Fitzmulligan.  As usual, the Things were completely hammered, and as a new twist, the cat had laced their morning Pop Tarts with a healthy dose of PCP.  When the cat opened the latch, Thing One and Thing Two shot out of the box like a couple of hyperactive weasels zapped with a cattle prod.  For the next hour and a half, Sally and Tommy McCrumm (and Mr. Krinklebine) experienced a level of chaos unmatched in the entire history of poorly-supervised pre-adolescents.  The cat and the Things flew kites in the house, played tennis, and caused a variety of damage to the floors, walls, and the overall structural integrity of the McCrumm house.  After the drugs wore off and the Things slowed down a bit, Tommy was able to capture them in a net and secure them back inside their box.

By this time, Mrs. McCrumm had finished her shopping and was about to return home.  In a rush, the cat haphazardly straightened up some of the wreckage (though the plumbing and electrical work would require extensive repairs by certified professionals which created a financial hardship for Mrs. McCrumm, since her homeowner's insurance did not cover damage caused by psychotic cats and drug-crazed teenage Things) and fled the scene.

Mrs. McCrumm asked Tommy, "What the hell was going on here?  This place looks like a bomb went off!"  Tommy was an honest kid, so he told his mom an accurate, if watered-down, version of the day's events.  Mrs. McCrumm immediately contacted the authorities, who questioned the children.  Mr. Krinklebine refused to talk to the officers without his attorney present.

Meanwhile, the cat drove away at a breakneck speed and when he turned the corner, the box containing the Things fell off the truck and smashed on the pavement.  Confused and injured, One and Two sat down on the curb where they were soon picked up by the police.  Using information the Things provided, Officer Marvin K. Mooney and his partner were able to track down the cat at his home and launch an investigation.

As it turns out, the hat-wearing cat was much more than a petty thief and vandal.  His real name was Skitch Morris, and the ransacking of the McCrumm home was but the latest (and least disturbing) of the cat's criminal activities.  An extensive search of Morris's home revealed drug paraphernalia, unregistered hand guns, and an extensive collection of underground kitty porn on his computer.  To top it off, buried in the backyard, crime scene investigators found the bodies of three Sneetches who had been brutally murdered a few months earlier.  Apparently, two of the Sneetches had been tortured prior to their deaths because while one Sneetch's belly had not been mutilated, the others had scars upon thars.

Skitch "The Cat in the Hat" Morris was convicted on all charges and sentenced to death.  His execution was carried out on February 7, 1978.

After six months in a drug rehabilitation facility and three more in a mental hospital, Mark and Mike Fitzmulligan returned home to their parents in the summer of 1969.  Though not quite the same as they were before their abduction, both boys were able to return to Geisel High School that September and graduated the following June.  Neither of the twins discussed the details of their ordeal ever again.

After high school, Mike went on to the University of Northern Michigan where he majored in criminal justice.  He served thirty-five years with the Lansing Police Department, and retired in 2009.  He currently lives in Bloomfield Hills, Michigan with his wife Mitzi.  They have three grown children and seven grandkids.

Mark, on the other hand, spent his time redefining the word "lazy".  Uninterested in attending college and unwilling to look for work, the disturbed twin never moved out of his parents' house.  He sat around all day in his underwear, eating potato chips, drinking root beer, Coca Cola, Dr. Pepper, and any other soft drinks he could find in the refrigerator.  One afternoon in early '71, while completely hopped on pop, Mark stole the keys to his father's '69 Chevy Impala and went for a drive.  He didn't make it very far.  While speeding on the Interstate, Mark lost control of the vehicle and collided with an eighteen-wheeler transporting a shipment of Spaghetti-os to Pittsburgh.  In a gruesome avalanche of twisted steel, burning rubber and neat round spaghetti you can eat with a spoon, the Chevy tumbled down an embankment killing Mark instantly.  The driver of the truck was uninjured, although he could never quite get the smell of tomato sauce out of his trailer.

At the funeral, Mike Fitzmulligan spoke fondly of his twin brother.

"I loved him, man, we were two brothers sharing one soul.  We looked out for each other, we took care of each other, we shared each other's secrets.  As most of you know, we went through a terrible time together, but we were able to put that behind us and move on with our lives.  At least, I thought we had, but it seems now like Marky needed me more than I thought.  I wish I'd been there for him at the end.  That's one Thing I'll never forgive myself for."


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Tuesday, November 9, 2010

The McRib Experiment: Prologue

On Sunday night, Theresa and I were watching the Green Bay Packers beat the living crap out of the East Texas Boys' Choir (sometimes known as the "Dallas Cowboys") when a McDonald's commercial came on.  Apparently, the good folks at Mickey D's are bringing back the McRib, without question the most controversial food item of our time.

In layman's terms, the McRib sandwich is a slab of boneless "pork" slathered in "barbecue sauce", garnished with chopped onions and sliced pickles, and served on an over-sized dinner roll.  The key feature here is that the "meat" is shaped like a rack of ribs, only there are no bones.

Brilliant, right?

When the McRib was originally introduced in 1981, it took the nation by storm.  Okay, to be honest, it took the nation by mostly cloudy skies with a chance of showers, but still, they were a new McDonald's menu item and as such, several brave individuals tried one.  I myself was a big McRib fan, and partook of the McGoodness on many occasions only to be disappointed when they were discontinued in 1985.  Since then, the McRib has made a few "limited time only" appearances, the most recent of which began on November 2nd and runs through December 5th.

Why am I telling you this?  I'll explain.

After watching the McRib commercial during the Packers - Boys' Choir game, Theresa said, "The McRib is back?  Those things are disgusting.  I've never had one in my life."

"Well, then how do you know it's disgusting?"

"Just look at it."

"Yeah, it's a rack of ribs on a bun, I've had 'em before.  They're actually pretty tasty."

"Pickles and onions, on fake meat?  No thanks.  There's no way you could get me to eat that crap."

I'm not one to pass up a challenge like that, so I've now got about five weeks to bribe, threaten, coerce, trick, or manipulate Theresa into partaking of a delectable McRib sandwich.  Now, understand that I'm not going to be ridiculous about it.  I'm sure that if I said, "Hey, Theresa, here's five hundred bucks.  Eat this McRib and it's yours," she'd down that sucker in nothing flat.  But I don't think any reasonable person would call me the winner in that particular scenario.

So the key here is for me to get her to eat the McRib for as little compensation as possible.   Sort of a "Meal or No Meal" type thing.  At least, it's going to start out that way.  But if she can't be bought or bribed, I may have to resort to trickery.

We'll see how it goes.



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Sunday, November 7, 2010

A Tale of Two Beatings

Growing up, I had two distinct personality traits that would seem to be in direct conflict with each other: a sarcastic sense of humor, and extremely poor fighting skills. Given this potentially deadly combination, it's pretty amazing that I survived my teenage years. In fact, I can only remember being in two fights in my entire life.

Coincidentally, or maybe not, they both involved meat-headed football players.

"Fights" might be a generous term, actually. Despite what you'd think to see me now, what, with my ripped physique and six-pack abs and all, I was a scrawny teenager. So, in both of these "fights-but-not-really" it kinda looked like the referee tossed a coin and I'd elected to receive.

The first incident occurred when I was in tenth grade. One of our classmates, a girl named Wendy Byrne, had been killed in an automobile accident over the weekend. Come Monday morning everyone was pretty shaken up, and seeing her empty seat in our third period geometry class was emotional for all of us. Well, all of us except Frank Watkins, linebacker.

Watkins entered the classroom, noticed the sad faces and the empty chair, and offered these words of condolence:

"Hey, looks like Wendy Byrne GOT burned!"

I happened to be the closest one to Watkins when he said it. I stood up and looked him square in the chest and shouted, "That's a pretty fucked up thing to say, you asshole! She's dead, and you think that's funny?"

The next thing I remember I was lying on the floor, looking up at Watkins' teammates who, having set aside for a moment their team camaraderie, were beating the living shit out of him. Seems that I wasn't the only one offended by Watkins' insensitivity.

The Wendy Byrne incident did involve me getting whacked for opening my big mouth, but it wasn't sarcasm that time. Frank Watkins was a four-star douchebag, and someone needed to speak up. It just happened to be me.

The same can not be said of the other "fight".

Kevin Mills was a six-foot four, two hundred and eighty pound offensive lineman with the intellectual capacity of a brain-damaged slug. We'd never spoken, and I'm sure he had no idea who the hell I was, since it was my first year attending high school in California. I only knew him as "the big dumbass over at the football players' table".

Anyway, one Friday afternoon, the usual thundering herd of students was stampeding out of the cafeteria after lunch. In a hurry to get to my algebra class, I swung the door open, and continued on my way. All of a sudden, someone grabbed me by the back of my jacket and spun me around.

It was Mills. Apparently, when I swung the door open, it hit him in the arm, spilling his soda all over the front of his CHS football jersey.

He was not happy.

"What the fuck, you asshole! Lookit what ya did to my jersey!"

I'll admit it. I was terrified. "Oh, man, I'm sorry about that. I didn't even see you there."

All I was saying was, give peace a chance.

Unfortunately, all Mills was saying was, "I'm gonna beat the living shit out of you."

"Now wait a minute, dude. It was an accident. I'd be happy to buy you another soda, and let me know how much the cleaning . . . "

Mills wasn't in the mood to negotiate. He shoved me hard against the lockers.

A crowd had gathered. There was no doubt in my mind that I was about to get pummeled. That being the case, why not go for the laugh? Maybe a witty remark that they could emblazon on my tombstone.

"Hey, Kevin, that's the first time I've ever seen that."

This caught him off guard. "What're you talkin' about? First time you seen what?"

"Well, a guy with his IQ stitched on his shirt."

A somewhat funny line, which became hilarious when Mills actually looked down at the front of his shirt at the big, white "52". Apparently, he hadn't yet memorized his own number.

The crowd went wild.

When I regained consciousness in the nurse's office, my back hurt and the left side of my face was throbbing. There was a large knot on the back of my head from, according to eye-witnesses, my head hitting the concrete when I fell.

Mrs. Greene, the nurse, asked me what happened. I told her what I could remember.

"Jesus, that's funny," she said. "But was it worth getting beaten up over?"

I considered the question

"You know what, it kinda was," I said. And I meant it. If you're going to get a beating, you may as well take it in style.


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Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Occam's Garage Door

There are a lot of things in life that you just can't count on.  Weather forecasts are rarely more than semi-educated guesses, the cable guy can never seem to arrive quite within his "8 AM to noon" time frame, and air travel has become so completely unreliable that American Airlines should probably just start using "sometime Monday afternoon" as an official departure time.

There's not a whole lot left in this world that is 100% dependable, but even at my most cynical, I never thought I'd lose faith in the little button that opens my garage door.  But last night it let me down.  It let me down hard.

Theresa and I were all ready to leave to go see the new Bruce Willis flick, but when I pressed the garage door button on the wall . . . nothing happened.   This left me perplexed, because when I got home from work just a couple hours earlier I'd opened the door with my remote and then closed it when I got inside.  That whole process went off without a hitch.  But now?  The garage door responded like the willie of a Viagra-less octogenarian judging an ugly contest.

We were running late for the movie, though, so we pulled the red cord to open the garage door manually.  I backed the car out of the garage and, just for the hell of it, pressed the button on my remote.  Curiously, the door shut as usual.

When we got home a couple hours later, we set out to fix the problem.  I pressed the garage door button just in case a band of repair elves had visited while we were gone.  None had, so once again I opened the door manually and pressed the button.  The door went down.  Okay, so there was nothing wrong with the open/close mechanism or the button itself.  There was obviously another explanation.

Many years ago, when I lived in a different house, I had dealt with the opposite problem -- the garage door opened just fine, but it wouldn't close.  I noticed this only occurred when I was leaving for work in the morning; when I got home at night, everything was fine.  After a few months of utter befuddlement, I finally figured out that in the mornings the sun would shine directly into the LED sensor that keeps garage doors from closing on pets or small children.  I fixed that particular problem with a two-inch length of PVC pipe.

Which was absolutely no help to me now.

It's important to remind you at this point that when it comes to handyman-type activities, my skills lie somewhere between "non-existent" and "counter-productive."  So after fiddling with various parts of the garage door opener for several minutes, I decided to go online to see if I could find some tips.  I Googled "my friggin' garage door will close but won't open" and found about twenty-five possible solutions.  I adjusted the "force level," oiled the runners, aligned the sensors, I even tried Bugs Bunny's "Iggity aggity oop, ah ah" dance and said "Open sesame."

Nothing worked.

"What are you guys doing?"

It was Doug, Theresa's twenty-year-old son.  We explained the predicament, and he said, "I'll take care of it, you guys go on inside." 

Doug's pretty good at fixing things, especially compared to me.

Forty-five seconds later, I heard the garage door opening.  And closing.  And opening.  And closing.  Theresa and I went out to the garage.

"Hey!" said Theresa.  "You fixed it!"

"Yeah, it was really complicated, too," said Doug.

"What was the problem?" I asked.

"Come here and take a look at the button on the wall," said Doug.  I looked where he was pointing.  "See this switch on top?  That's called the lock/unlock switch.  When it's in the locked position, the door won't open.  It's so no one can clone your remote and break into the house.  Using my amazingly brilliant repair skills, I flipped the switch into the unlocked position, and the door opened."

Doug can be a bit of a smart-ass.

Apparently, the last time I'd shut the door from the inside, I had accidentally flipped the switch to "lock".

Yes, I know.  I'm lame.


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