Saturday, December 18, 2010

My GPS is Trying to Kill Me

I'm so glad we've finally found a way to put an end to all the complaining about "men never asking for directions" that we guys have had to live with ever since Adam made a wrong turn on the Garden of Eden Parkway.  With the invention of GPS navigation, we'll never again have to hear our significant others whine, "See, you idiot, now we're lost again."  While the current technology seems more than adequate, I'd like to see a few upgrades for, if nothing else, entertainment purposes.

I think it would be awesome if the voice on your GPS automatically picked up the dialect and accent from wherever you happened to be driving.  For example in New York you might hear your device tell you, "Okay, ya friggin' mook, youse gonna make a right up here on Toity-Fit Street.  And don't slow down, unless youse wanna get car-jacked."

In the south: "Honey-chile, y'all gonna head on down to Peach Blossom Hah-way and make a li'l ol' raht hay-und turn."

And of course in Southern California:  "Dude, we are like totally lost.  You got any more weed?" 

But I think the GPS program on my Blackberry has a learning disability.  Either that, or it's a sinister electronic bitch, possibly a distant relative of HAL 9000, hell-bent on orchestrating my bloody demise.  I subscribe to the Verizon navigation system known as Telenav, or as I lovingly refer to her, "Tele-Nag."  While she's pretty accurate with her directions, which is more than I can say for some humans I know (lookin' at YOU, Mom), she's not as responsible with her timing.  For example, last week I was cruising down Apple Valley Road when Tele-Nag informed me that my turn was coming up.

"PREPARE TO TURN RIGHT ON SENECA AVENUE."

I didn't know for sure where Seneca Avenue was, but I figured Tele-Nag would let me know when it was time to make the turn.  I maintained a relatively safe speed, waiting for her cue.

"TURN RIGHT ON SENECA AVENUE," she said.

When I was twenty yards passed it.  Friggin' idiot.

"RECALCULATING ROUTE," she said, with not even a hint of an apology.

"MAKE THE NEXT LEGAL U-TURN."

Legal, my ass.  I flipped a U immediately, and headed back toward Seneca Avenue.  Not trusting Tele-Bitch to warn me this time, I made what was now a left turn toward my destination.  Eight seconds later, she finally got a clue.

"TURN LEFT ON SENECA AVENUE."

I'm a step ahead of you, moron.

"PREPARE TO TURN LEFT IN ONE POINT SIX MILES ON KWAT-ZACK-COLLET LANE."

Kwat the hell?  I'd never heard of this street, and Tele-Mumbles wasn't helping at all.  What did that even start with?  K?  C?  I drove very slowly, looking for anything that might be close.

Sitting Bull Road?  Nope.

Pocahontas Drive?  Not even close.

"PREPARE TO TURN LEFT IN POINT FOUR MILES ON KWAT-SILK-CODDLE LANE."

Cherokee Canyon Lane.  Close enough.  I hung a left.

"RECALCULATING ROUTE."  I think I heard her let out a sarcastic chuckle.

"MAKE THE NEXT LEGAL U-TURN."

I made the next available U-turn.  Legal, once again, was someone else's problem.  I retraced my steps, and turned back on to Seneca.  That's when I noticed the police flashers in my rear-view.  Shit.

"I SAID, LEGAL U-TURN, DUMMY.  YOU KNOW HOW MUCH THIS TICKET IS GOING TO COST YOU?"

Turns out this is a pretty sophisticated navigation system Verizon's come up with.  I exited out of the program so she didn't screw things up with the cop who was approaching from behind.  I rolled down the window.

"Do you know why I pulled you over?"

About ten witty replies came to mind, but since I didn't think blaming my Blackberry would get me very far and the other responses would've resulted in either prison time or a beating, I played it by the book.

"The U-turn?"

"Exactly.  License and registration please."

Fifteen minutes later, I turned Tele-Nag back on and continued on my route.

"TOLD YOU."

Shut up, bitch.  And hey, weren't you turned off?

"ARE YOU ANGRY WITH ME, CHRIS?  OH, AND TURN RIGHT ON KWAT-SUCK-KITTY LANE."

I looked at the sign.  Quetzalcoatl Lane.  This must be the place.

Eventually I reached my destination, which was the Verizon store.  I'm trading Tele-Nag in for a Droid and whatever navigation program it comes with.

It better not be named HAL.


d

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17 comments:

vickilikesfrogs said...

Well, I was GONNA say "cop didn't see it, I didn't do it", but the cop DID see it, so that no longer fits.

Grumpy, M.D. said...

My wife calls it "The Bitch in a Box".

Eva Gallant said...

It's a pretty handy device, you gotta' admit!

J.J. in L.A. said...

Try using the website's store locator or Google and Mapquest, and cut Tele-Nag out altogether.

Works for me!

roughneckturtle/Jeff C. said...

Nice. Good story. I've used the Android Nav, on my wife's phone, and haven't had any problems, yet. And, no nagging or sarcastic comments about my driving, yet.

LegalMist said...

My GPS tried to kill me, too, a couple of years ago. Mrs. Tom-Tom is even more evil than Tele-Nag - she tried to convince me to drive off the edge of a cliff. Here's my tale: http://legalmist.blogspot.com/2008/10/marriage-saving-murderess.html

Uncle Skip, said...

The last time I looked, the GPS had us still somewhere near the Little Big Horn Battlefield in Montana. Even though we moved on to Yellowstone, the Grand Tetons , and home in the North State.

Raine said...

Sprint nav for my evo is awesome. She is very considerate and doesn't give me that "recalculating route" shit. she just quietly does it and gives me new directions. you should try that

Boom Boom Larew said...

Bitch! Is she going to pay the fine?

ReformingGeek said...

Just ask your wife next time.

;-)

Suldog said...

I don't own a GPS, nor will I. I prefer getting lost. Just as it is a woman's prerogative to change her mind, it is mine, as man, to drive aimlessly while pretending to have a clue about where I'm going.

Anonymous said...

I sympathize with your e-frustration (now available at the Apple store, get the new iFrustrate) but any tech can tell you 80% of problems are the (mis-)user and not the device.

Hope you have a merry and somebody fulfills your wish list.

If I were God... said...

Anonymous?
God might be invisible, but ANONYMOUS? What an ironic glitch.

Fred Miller said...

I used to drive semis in the days before GPS or even cell phones. You had one shot to get the directions over a pay phone. Worked pretty well. And the regional accents made it interesting. I once had a lady tell me to turn left at a charch. The Babdist Charch. Doesn't look difficult in print, but it took a few tries over the phone.

Felony DUI said...

Don't rely too much on GPS. They are unreliable most of the time.

wedding makeup sydney said...

I've used the Android Nav, o and haven't had any problems, yet.

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