For ease of readability (who says I don't care about my readers?) I will embed my response to this gentleman on a paragraph-by-paragraph basis, my words (as if you couldn't guess) are in bold.
Here is the information I received. Let me warn you, the story is gut-wrenching.
Email Message For You Dated: 03-02-2010.
March 2, 2010!? Today is February 11, 2010! I got an e-mail from the future!
Adekunle F. Jemoris & Associates
Attorney At Law, Property
Consultant & Solicitor To
The Supreme Court Of Nigeria
Plot 228 Kudirat Abiola Way,
Oregun,Lagos-Nigeria.
Dear Friend,
Kindly accept my apology for sending unsolicited mail to you. I believe you are a highly respected personality, considering the fact that I sourced your profile from a human resource profile database on your country. Though, I do not know to what extent you are familiar with events.
Wow, this was a quick friendship we've developed, isn't it, Mr. Jemoris? Well, greetings to you too, pal. No need to apologize for sending me an unsolicited e-mail, I get them all the time. Usually they're in regard to some medication, or tips to enlarge various body parts, so I'm quite used to the world of spam. A "highly respected personality" you say? Well, sir, you flatter me. I do have some concerns with this "human resource profile database" you mentioned, though. Have you somehow hacked into our country's FBI files? I suppose that's none of my business, but be warned -- our government frowns on that sort of shenanigans.
Well, I am Barrister Adekunle F. Jemoris, a Solicitor. I am the Personal Attorney to Mr. Steve A. who used to work with Agip Oil Company in Nigeria. On the 21st of April 2003, his wife and their three children were involved in a car accident along Abuja Express Road.
You're a barista? Okay, I'd like to order a triple vente caramel macchiato, extra hot please. Ha ha ha, I'm only fooling with you. I know that you said barrister, not barista. I am a bit curious, though, why you feel free to look me up on a spooky-sounding "human resource profile database" and invade my privacy, yet only refer to your client as "Steve A.". Seems fishy to me, Adekunle (if I may call you that). I find it refreshing, though, that the name of Mr A's oil company was "A gip." Nothing like truth in advertising. On a more serious note, I am truly saddened to hear of the A family's car accident. I know that Abuja Express Road is a treacherous stretch of gravel, especially at night. I hope their injuries were not serious.
Unfortunately, they all lost their lives in the event of the accident. Since then I have made several enquiries to your Embassy to locate any of my client's relatives, this has also proved unsuccessful. After these several unsuccessful attempts, I decided to trace his relatives over the Internet to locate any member of his family but to no avail, hence, I contacted you to assist in repatriating the money left behind by my client in a Bank.
Oh my gosh, they DIED? Don't I feel like an asshole. Please pass along my condolences to his relatives . . . oh wait, that's your point here, isn't it, you can't find any. I do have a suggestion though. Maybe you could locate his family in that "human resource profile database" that you're so fond of. If not, how many A families could their possibly be? Maybe you should start by checking in northern California, you know, the Oakland A's. Just kidding. Let's talk more about this money you'd like me to repatriate, whatever that means.
Particularly, the Finance House where the deceased deposited the US$15 Million (Fifteen Million United States Dollars only) knows me very well and has ask me to present some one to claim the fund left my late client as they all know I am his attorney.
I have to question the judgment of any "Finance House" that entrusts fifteen million bucks to a guy whose only recourse is to offer it to some stranger he found on an underground Internet database. But hell, it's not my problem, and we're talking about some major cash here. Okay, what do you want from me, Adekunle?
Consequently, this Bank issued me a notice to provide the Next of Kin to claim the US$15 Million (Fifteen Million United States Dollars only) in their custody within the next ten official working days. Since I have been unsuccessful in locating the relatives for over 5 years now, I seek your consent to present you as the next of kin of the deceased to claim the fund as the Next of Kin to him so that the Bank will transfer the fund to your account.
Okay, that sounds like a bunch of shady legal mumbo-jumbo to me but hell, Adekunle, I trust you. Count me in. Go ahead and have your bank transfer the funds into my account. I'll be checking in with my bank to see when the money's available, and then I'm off to the Bahamas for a couple weeks. Oh, and as a point of clarification, when you say "within ten official working days" do you mean from the time I got this e-mail, or from the March 2, 2010 date that you sent it? I'm still a bit bamboozled by your use of time-travel.
Upon receipt of the fund, I will come over to your country to meet with you for the disbursement of the fund and then you and I will share the money in this order: 70% will be for me, 30% will be for you. I have all the necessary legal documents that can back our claim we may make with the Bank.
Oh, wait, you mean there's a catch? You sneaky bastard. Didn't we say that the money was going to be deposited in my account? That would seem to put me in a much stronger position to negotiate than you, now, wouldn't it? I'm fine with the 70-30 split, my friend, but I get the 70 or it's no dice.
All I require is your honest co-operation to enable us seeing this deal through. I guarantee that this will be executed under a legitimate arrangement that will protect you from any breach of the law.
Well, of course you have my honest co-operation. I'm an upstanding American citizen and, as you yourself put it, a "highly respected personality." In fact, I'm such a magnanimous guy that there's no way I can justify my own personal gain (to the tune of whatever 70% of 15 million dollars is) from the death of a beautiful Nigerian family. So here's what I'm suggesting, Adekunle. What do you say that you and I invest this fifteen million dollars in the upgrade and modernization of Abuja Express Road. I believe that Steve A. and the rest of the A. family would appreciate the gesture, to ensure that no other tragedies occur. It was their money, after all.
Best regards,
Adekunle F. Jemoris
Principal Attorney.
Right back atcha,
Mr. Knucklehead
CEO, Knuckleheadhumor.com
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