Okay, So It's Not a Pulitzer

 Before I get into today's post, we have a quick order of business to take care of.  Lest any of you dare to question my scientific genius, let me direct you to this post from a couple months ago:

Predicting This Year's American Idol

Suffice it to say, "neener, neener, neener."

Moving on.

After years of slogging away in literary obscurity, I've finally been given the recognition and accolades that I so richly deserve.  That's right, I've been named one of seven recipients of the coveted Lesa's Creative Writer Blogger Award as presented by the one and only Nonamedufus (that's "No Name Dufus" to those of you who prefer spaces between words).  The Dufus is a talented writer himself, as evidenced by the fact that he is a recent recipient of, well, the Lesa's Creative Writer Blogger Award as presented by somebody else.

You know how those things go.

Anyway, in the storied tradition of acoustic guitars and feminine hygiene products, this award comes with strings attached.  I'm supposed to write seven things about myself, one of which is true, the remaining six shall be outrageous lies.  I don't know if I'm supposed to tell you which is which, but since that wouldn't be any fun anyway, I'll leave it to you to figure out.  Feel free to make your guess in the comment section as to which of my seven tales is truthful.

1. When I was five years old I was addicted to Pixy Stix, those paper straws filled with flavored sugar.  This stuff was much closer to being a narcotic than it was candy, and I went through them like a ravenous wolf through a chicken ranch.  And when I discovered that they were also available in three-foot long plastic tubes ("Junkie-Sized" I think they were called), there was no stopping me.  I spent the second half of kindergarten in a self-induced sugar coma.

2. In the late 80's, I worked for Ringling Brothers Barnum and Bailey Circus as a stunt double for the guy that got shot out of a cannon.  The guy, Boomer McSplosion, billed himself as a human cannonball, but due to a fear of heights and loud noises, he didn't want to do his own stunts.  Each night during the show, right after they loaded him into the cannon, the lights went down, Boomer crawled out through a secret door, and I replaced him.  The pyro crew then lit the fuse and I was blasted fifty yards into a net. 

After a few months, Mr. Ringling (or maybe it was his brother) discovered that I'd been diddling the female contortionist and decided to fire me, making me the only person to ever get fired from being fired.

3. I once owned a pet porcupine named Prick, and his name had nothing to do with his physical characteristics.  When I was fourteen I was a bit of a loner.  I spent almost all my free time sitting by myself in my bedroom eating Reese's Peanut Butter Cups (I'd moved on from Pixy Stix) and listening to the KISS solo albums.  In an effort to get me to come out of my shell (or more likely, because he got tired of hearing Peter Criss blaring from my speakers), my father decided to get me a pet.  Why he decided on a porcupine, I'll never know, but from the minute Dad turned Prick loose in my room, it was bad news.  First of all, the little bastard ate all the peanut butter cups.  Then, his chocolate binge complete, he plopped his spiky ass on my bed and refused to move.  And it's not like I could just pick him up, either.  I was forced to sleep on the floor for the next six months until Prick eventually died of natural causes (or maybe from listening to Peter Criss blaring from my speakers).

4. Bette Midler thinks I'm an asshole.  When I was in my early 20's, I worked as a movie theater manager in Pasadena, California.  Every so often, we would host a private screening of an upcoming film, where a test audience would fill out a survey to help the producers make changes before the film's eventual release.  Anyway, one evening we were screening Beaches and after it was over, some of the film's stars and production team came into my office to discuss the surveys.  I was sitting at my desk working on payroll, completely minding my own business, when all of a sudden Bette Midler says, "Are we just going to discuss this in front of the asshole over there?"  I looked up, and wouldn't you know it, the bitch was talking about ME!  Stunned, I walked out of the office.  A while later, though, the producer came up to me and apologized for "Miss Midler's rudeness."  Whatever.  When the film was released, I went through it frame by frame, drawing mustaches on her friggin' face.

5. I am the only living person who knows who shot JFK.  I was barely a year old in November of 1963, and my family was visiting relatives in the Dallas area.  On the morning of the 22nd, we all went to Dealey Plaza to wave to President Kennedy, who was my father's hero.  I was seated in my stroller, near the Grassy Knoll, and I overheard the following conversation between two Cuban thugs:

Carlos: Say, Jose, I think we should go over behind that fence and take a few shots at that Kennedy guy.

Jose: Great idea, Carlos.  After that whole Bay of Pigs thing, I'd say he has it coming.

Carlos: You got any guns?

Jose: Of course.  I have two rifles in my car.  Let's do it!

As the motorcade passed by in front of me, I heard two shots ring out from behind me, from the very spot Jose and Carlos were talking about earlier.  So there you have it, mystery solved.  Oswald was a patsy, Jose and Carlos from Havana were the real killers.

6. I once tried out for the Cleveland Browns as a placekicker.  It was 1988 and the Browns starting kicker, a diminutive Scandinavian guy by the name of Grlz Rbnkskn, was mired in a horrific slump.  He'd missed twelve field goals in a row, including one embarrassing attempt where he missed the ball entirely and buried his kicking cleat in the ribcage of holder Bernie Kosar.  The Browns scouting department went to great lengths to find a suitable replacement for Rbnkskn, and their search naturally led them to the Jazz Studies Department at Riverside Community College where they found me, an up-and-coming trumpet player.  The Browns paid my expenses to Cleveland for a tryout where I managed one field goal in ten tries, which was of course pathetic, but then again, it was better than ol' Grlz had been doing.  Coach Marty Schottenheimer bought me dinner, and broke the news to me that they'd decided to go with Matt Bahr instead.

7. Sometimes, when the mood strikes me, I dress up in an evening gown and perform My Fair Lady in front of the bathroom mirror.  It's really quite relaxing.  I take a hot shower, spray on some cologne, slip into one of Theresa's finest sequined dresses and burst into a rousing rendition of "Wouldn't it Be Loverly".

Don't judge me, the Bible says not to.

Again, take your guess in the comment section as to which of these seven tales is true.


Okay, next I'm supposed to list seven blogs for you to visit.  I've done this before, and I always end up pissing someone off for not mentioning them.  Last time, for example, I carelessly neglected the blog Mental Poo, and ever since then I've been getting boxes of bull testicles, incoherent hand-written letters from semi-literate parents of kindergartners, and piles of dog crap delivered to my house by the UPS guy.  At least, I'm assuming it's dog crap.  It's crap, anyway.  So, as not to incur the wrath of anyone else, I'm going to limit this to blogs I've selected completely at random.  Visit them anyway, you might be pleasantly surprised.

1. The first blog I randomly selected was an obscure yet very diverse and informative site called Google.  When you first go to the site it doesn't look like much, but if you type something into the box on this guy's home page, it takes you to thousands of related links.  It's kind of like a search engine.  Why other bloggers haven't jumped all over this concept is beyond me.

2. For those of you who are into wiggly dessert treats, you'll want to pop on over to Jello.  As one would guess, this is a blog devoted entirely to Kraft Foods' most famous gelatin-based snack food.  Here you'll find recipes, distributors, and detailed instructions on how to use this product to create a titillating wrestling venue.  "Bikinis, rasslin', and lots of hos, J-E-L-L-O!"

3. When it comes to really cold, mostly English-speaking countries that invent exciting and sometimes incredibly stupid sports (I'm looking at YOU, curling), Canada is right at the top of my list.  From the gritty shores of Prince Edward Island to the majestic beauty of B.C., our goofy-sounding northern neighbors provide a constant example of what the good life is all "aboot."  To get just a slice of what it's like to be Canadian, check out the great blog from the Medicine Hat (Alberta) School District.  Medicine Hat.  What a great name for a town.  It's right up there with Moose Jaw.

4. Does your Uncle Jim believe that he's Napoleon Bonaparte?  Do the voices inside your head argue with one another?  Have you ever wondered where Agoraphobics Anonymous holds its meetings?  If you answered yes to any of these, or if you're just an everyday, non-specific sort of nut job, Psych Central is just the blog for you.  Why pay an expensive pseudo-scientific bozo to figure out what's wrong with you when all your answers are right there online?  Go check it out today, and merge back on to the highway to normal.

5. If you sleep all night and work all day, if you cut down trees and eat your lunch and go to the lavat'ry, well then, take a visit to the great blog Lumberjacks.  Not only will they help you with all your woodworking needs, they can also set you up with high heels, suspenders and a bra.  Enjoy!

6. If your company or organization is looking for a great fundraising opportunity, why not set up a basketball game against a team of midgets?  Over at Tiny Trotters, pint-sized ballers like Micro Jordan, Minute Bol and Scotty Pipsqueak would love to go head-to-thigh with you and your co-workers.  Pay them a visit!

7.  Suldog.  Just because I know he hates awards.

So there you have it.  Thanks once again to Nonamedufus for honoring me with the whatever-it-was-called blogger award.  I'll cherish it always.



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The Knuckies!

It's coming around to Oscar time once again, and in the true spirit of Hollywood I'm going to hand out my own film industry awards, cleverly dubbed The Knuckies!  You'll notice a few differences between these awards and the higher-profile-but-less-fun Academy Awards.  First of all, I'm not limiting the winners to just the past year, I'm going to draw from the entire history of motion pictures.  Also, there are going to be several "Razzie"-type awards, bashing those who so richly deserve to be bashed.

You'll probably notice that my selections definitely skew toward the 80's.  That's because I worked at a movie theater from 1987-1990, so I saw a LOT of movies during that time.  

So without further ado, here are THE KNUCKIES!

(cue dramatic music...)

BEST PICTURE: The Godfather (1972)

There are some opinions that are just impossible to argue with.  For example, regardless of personal taste, no one can reasonably dispute the fact that Led Zeppelin was a phenomenal rock band.  Anyone who says, "nah, Zeppelin sucked," is either deaf or a complete idiot.  The Godfather falls into that same category.  It's simply the best film ever made, period.  The writing, the acting, cinematography, music, it's all top-notch.  We get to see the development of Michael Corleone from his attempts to distance himself from the family business all the way to his becoming the Don.  And the memorable lines are endless: "Leave the gun, take the cannoli."  "I'm going to make him an offer he can't refuse."  "Luca Brazzi sleeps with the fishes."  If you don't like this one, you need to get whacked. (Honorable Mention: Rocky)

WORST PICTURE: Are We There Yet? (2005)

I'm embarrassed that I even saw this one but as anyone with children knows, sometimes parents just have to sit through crappy movies to appease the kids.  Ironically, though, my kids also thought this movie sucked ass.  I mean, you can't really expect a lot from a movie that stars Ice Cube, but this was brutal on every level.  All you need to know can be summed up by describing the two main characters.  The male lead offers to drive a woman's kids 300 miles in an effort to impress her so much that she'll sleep with him, and the female lead LETS a mere acquaintance drive her kids 300 miles unsupervised.  And the kids, Lindsey and Kevin, are tough to describe, other than as "disgusting little shits".  They don't really bear any sort of resemblance to actual children and the things they do to "get even" with Ice Cube's character aren't funny...they're just despicable.  It's one thing in a movie like Home Alone, where the whole context is slapstick, but in Are We There Yet? the set up is for a family-type adventure.  Macaulay Culkin was protecting his home.  Lindsey and Kevin weren't provoked by Ice Cube, they're just being rotten for the sake of it.  For example, in an effort to get a trucker to think they've been abducted by a child molester, one of the kids holds up a sign that reads "Help us."  If even ONE real kid ever tries that, this movie should be banned and all copies of it burned.  Hell, that's a good idea regardless.  (Dishonorable Mention: Anchorman)

REPEAT VIEWING CLASSIC: Shawshank Redemption (1994)

This is a movie that I simply can not flip through with the remote, and that says a lot since I also own the DVD and can watch it whenever I please.  This is one of exactly three movies based on a Stephen King book that can be considered great.  The other two are Stand By Me and Misery.  Okay, and The Green Mile.  It's one thing when you see a film that is truly outstanding, but to be a movie that viewers are eager to see again and again (and again and again), it's gotta be truly special.  For example, Forrest Gump and Titanic were outstanding, but once was enough for me.  But I've probably seen Shawshank 25 times by now, and it never gets old.  That's pretty rare.  (Honorable Mention: A Few Good Men)

MOST PLEASANT SURPRISE: Role Models (2008)

Have you ever gone to a movie expecting it to be absolutely awful?  Usually it's when you're with your kids (did any adult REALLY think Pokemon was going to be a good film?), and you just write it off as your parental duty.  Every so often, though, a movie rises above expectations and proves to be pretty entertaining.  For me, it was Role Models.  From the previews, I thought it was going to a painful viewing experience, especially regarding the kids in the movie.  Fortunately, the "obnoxious brat" routine disappeared early on, and the characters actually bonded.  And really, any movie with that many KISS references is going to be okay by me. (Honorable Mention: The Hangover)

BIGGEST DISAPPOINTMENT: Batman (1988)

In the months leading up to June of '88, the hype was everywhere.  Mysterious movie trailers, t-shirts and memorabilia popping up everywhere to promote the Keaton-Nicholson version of Batman.  I was working at a theater in Pasadena, and we invited all our friends to an unofficial "sneak preview" the night before the movie opened.  The higher-ups in the theater company would've blown a gasket if they found out, but they never did.  Anyway, it was an exciting event and we were pumped up for greatness.  And then the movie started.  Aside from a couple early scenes with the Joker, it was terrible.  Lots of plot holes, editing errors and shallow characters.  What a let down.  (Dishonorable Mention: Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom)

BEST ACTING PERFORMANCE (Male): Dustin Hoffman, Rain Man (1988)

For two hours, it was impossible to tell that Dustin Hoffman didn't actually have autism.  His performance, rightfully, earned him the Oscar for Best Actor and to this day I have yet to see a more compelling performance.  Hoffman's portrayal of Raymond Babbitt never went "over the top", and he definitely, definitely did his homework on autism and the behaviors exhibited by those with the disease.  The one scene that stands out in my mind was the scene in the airport when Raymond refused to fly on any airline other than Qantas.  I know several people with autism, and this type of reaction is 100% accurate.  Any attempt to force the autistic person to do something he doesn't want to do will provoke extreme responses, but once their routine is re-established, they settle back into their more typical behavior.  Hoffman played this perfectly without ever making Raymond seem unrealistic or corny.  (Honorable Mention: Heath Ledger, The Dark Knight)

WORST ACTING PERFORMANCE (Male): Kevin Costner, JFK (1991)

I'm actually a big Costner fan, but he really needs to stick to films where he's not being asked to, you know, act.  He's great when he's basically playing himself in movies like Field of Dreams and Bull Durham.  But his attempt at a southern accent in JFK was simply brutal.  It didn't help that he was surrounded by a cast of actors who are about ten notches above Costner on the acting ability scale, guys like Tommy Lee Jones, Joe Pesci, Kevin Bacon, Gary Oldman, and many others.  In fact, one could make the argument that the only person whose performance was more lifeless was John F. Kennedy's portrayal of himself in the Zapruder film segment.  (Dishonorable Mention: Keanu Reeves, Everything He's Ever Been in Except Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure)

BEST ACTING PERFORMANCE (Female): Glenn Close, Fatal Attraction (1987)

Glenn Close has been in a boatload of motion pictures, but never has she looked as hot as she did in Fatal Attraction.  No wonder Michael Douglas went astray.  I believe that it's Close's history of playing "nice" ladies that made her performance as Alex Forrest even more disturbing.  And she could turn it on and off like a light switch -- sweet and charming one minute, completely psychotic the next.  Just like, you know, every other woman on the planet.  Just kidding, girls.  Sort of.  (Honorable Mention: Kathy Bates, Misery)

WORST ACTING PERFORMANCE (Female): Kelly McGillis, Top Gun (1986)

Okay, I'm going to be honest here, my main beef with Kelly McGillis in this movie has more to do with her character than her actual performance.  Charlotte Blackwood (call sign, imaginatively enough, "Charlie") was the most insensitive fucking ice queen on the planet, and I hope she dies in a fiery explosion.  Here's why.  Late in the film, we see Maverick sitting in a bar, having just quit Navy Fighter Pilot School, better known as "Top Gun".  He's nursing an ice water and dealing with the death of his best friend Goose, who perished in a crash caused by that fuckin' dickhead Iceman.  Charlie comes up to Maverick and for about thirty seconds, almost seems to sympathize with him, what, with his friend being dead and all.  But when Mav doesn't immediately snap out of his "funk", Charlie turns on him, saying, "So that's it then.  You're going to quit.  I guess you've got that maneuver down real good."  What a bitch. (Dishonorable Mention: Rosie Perez, White Men Can't Jump)

MOST MEMORABLE SCENE: Car Rental Scene, Planes, Trains and Automobiles (1987)

This is also the funniest scene ever filmed, hands down.  To refresh your memory, Neil Page (Steve Martin) has just been dropped off at his rental car, or more precisely, the parking spot where his rental car was supposed to be.  Abandoned by the shuttle bus, Neil then has to walk about three miles back to the rental car office where he's confronted by an obnoxiously cheery agent (played to perfection by Edie McClurg)  who's on the phone with a friend, talking about her Thanksgiving plans.  When she finally gives Neil her attention, the guy finally snaps.  And I quote:

" . . . I really don't care for the way your company left me in the middle of fucking nowhere with fucking keys to a fucking car that isn't fucking there. And I really didn't care to fucking walk down a fucking highway and across a fucking runway to get back here to have you smile in my fucking face. I want a fucking car RIGHT FUCKING NOW!"

Steve Martin, at his absolute best.  (Honorable Mention: Training Montage, Rocky)

MOST DISTURBING SCENE: Gum Job Scene, Yes Man (2008)

This is a scene I'd rather not dwell on too much, so I'll boil it down to the bare essentials.  Having made a commitment to saying "yes" to all suggestions, Jim Carrey is offered oral sex in return for helping an old lady install shelves in her apartment.  We see Carrey enter the woman's bedroom.  We see her move down Carrey's chest, and disappear from the frame.  We all know what's going on here, and it's rather disgusting.  And then, just when we think it can't get any more repulsive, it does.

We see a hand put a set of dentures into a glass of water on the night stand.  Ewww. (Honorable Mention: Hobbling Scene, Misery)

CHARACTER I'D MOST LIKE TO HANG OUT WITH: Lloyd Dobler, Say Anything (1989)

Let's face it, John Cusack has built an entire career around "nice guy" roles.  He's one of those actors who you'd be really disappointed to find out is an asshole.  I mean, some actors, you just KNOW must be complete pricks in real life (I'm looking at YOU, Sean Penn), but Cusack seems like he'd buy you a beer, ask about your family, and then offer to help you move.  In Say Anything, Lloyd Dobler is Cusack at his endearing best.  He does everything he can to win the heart of Diane Court (Ione Skye, who was once involved with Anthony Kiedis if you can believe that), stands on the principle that he won't ever sell anything, buy anything, or process anything as a career, and he calls his friends on the carpet for their hypocrisy ("If you guys know so much about women, how come you're here at like the Gas 'n' Sip on a Saturday night completely alone drinking beers with no women anywhere?").  To paraphrase that fuckin' dickhead Iceman, Lloyd Dobler could be my wingman any time. (Honorable Mention: James Bond)

CHARACTER I'D MOST LIKE TO PUNCH IN THE FACE: Tommy, The Karate Kid (1984)

This douchebag is known for one line and one line only.  All together now:


"GET HIM A BODY BAG!"

During the All-Valley Karate Tournament's final match between Daniel Larusso and Johnny Lawrence (Tommy's dojo-mate and, most likely, his lover) Tommy giggled and squealed like a Girl Scout hopped up on Thin Mints.  He sure seemed pretty cocky for a guy who'd gotten his ass kicked by Daniel-san two rounds earlier in the tournament.  This guy is such a sphincter biscuit I have a feeling that if their sensei would've allowed it, the rest of the Cobra Kai would've round-kicked Tommy into a quivering lump of acne cream. (Dishonorable Mention: Ariel Moore, Footloose!)

LIFETIME ACHIEVEMENT AWARD: Tom Hanks

I challenge you readers right now to come up with one movie that Tom Hanks wasn't good in.  I'm not saying all of his MOVIES have been fabulous.  The 'Burbs was a bit "out there" and Joe Versus the Volcano wasn't going to win any awards, but even in his weaker movies Hanks was fun to watch.  He won back-to-back Oscars for Philadelphia and Forrest Gump, produced and/or directed two very entertaining films (That Thing You Do! and Apollo 13) and is, by all accounts, one of the nicest guys in Hollywood.  If I had to choose one of Hanks' performances that I liked the best, and it would be difficult, I'd have to go with his portrayal of Josh Baskin in Big.  From the minute he hits the screen, you're absolutely convinced that Tom's been possessed by a twelve year-old.  (Honorable Mention: Morgan Freeman)

LIFETIME DISGRACE AWARD: Will Ferrell

Unlike Tom Hanks, when Ferrell behaves like a twelve year old, you don't really get the feeling that he's acting.  I've seen a handful of his movies, and each one is more juvenile, repulsive, and flat-out putrid than the one before it.  I'll qualify this by saying that I haven't seen Old School, which, according to most people, is his one watchable film.  I guess part of my frustration with Ferrell is due to the fact that he was hilarious on Saturday Night Live.  His Harry Caray impression is brilliant, and I loved the cheerleader routine he did with Cheri Oteri.  It's not that he's a talentless hack like, say, Jimmy Fallon.  Ferrell clearly possesses substantial comedic skills somewhere, but he's sure doesn't use them on the big screen.  Talladega Nights, Step Brothers, Anchorman, they're simply awful.  And he just keeps getting worse.  (Dishonorable Mention: Jim Varney, Seth Rogan, Pee Wee Herman, Mr. Bean, the list is endless)

So there you have it, the first annual Knuckies.  I'm sure many of my selections will be disputed, but that's the nature of show business.  So feel free to share your disagreement.

Okay, show's over.  After party at Suldog's place!


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