The Best and the Worst: Fast Food Menu Items

 Okay, I'll just come right out and say it, I eat way too much fast food.  I could make a lot of excuses for my poor eating habits like my job keeps me so busy I only have time to grab a quick lunch, or I'm not a very good cook, or fast food is a cheap way to fill my belly.  All those things are true, but if we're going to be completely honest about it, I just really, really like a good burger.  Or a burrito.  And fries.  Given my experience with the quick-cuisine industry, I'm happy to share with you the best and the worst of what our fast food chains have to offer.

THE BEST

1. Double Double (In-N-Out Burger)

This one is a no-brainer.  For those of you not on the West Coast, In-N-Out Burger makes the greatest hamburgers known to man, and the Double Double is their crown jewel.  Two patties, two slices of cheese, lettuce, tomatoes, onions, and secret sauce.  Simple, yet perfect.  And while that's the "basic" formula for the Double Double, there's a whole "underground" menu available for those of us in the know.  First of all, there is no limit on the number of patties and cheese slices you can order -- the 3x3, the 4x4, whatever you want.  Legend has it that someone once ordered a 100x100 for a party, at the everyday low price of $98.  "Animal Style" burgers (my personal favorite) are made with a mustard-grilled burger, sauce, tomatoes, pickles, and grilled onions, the "Flying Dutchman" is just the meat and cheese with no bun.  Whatever your preference, In-N-Out Burger is the best of the best.

2. Macho Combination Burrito (Del Taco)

When my family first moved to California my Aunt Judy, who lived in Hollywood at the time, introduced me to the Macho Combo and I've been a fan ever since.  It weighs about fifteen pounds (okay, maybe not that much but it seems like it when it's sitting in your belly), contains beef, beans, veggies, two kinds of hot sauce and sour cream, and is mucho delicioso.  I get mine with no sour cream or green sauce, and with extra red sauce.  Like I said, these things are enormous.  A grizzly bear could hibernate for an entire winter after eating just one.  Of course, his farts would wipe out a small village.

3. Homestyle Chicken Filet (Wendy's)

I'm not a huge fan of fast food chicken sandwiches, but I'll make an exception with Wendy's.  There's nothing at all fancy about it -- just a breaded chicken breast, lettuce, tomato, and mayonaisse -- but the chicken is always juicy.  Pair this up with a cup of Wendy's chili and a chocolate Frosty and that's one heck of a lunch.  Back in the 80's I worked at Wendy's during the infamous "Where's the Beef" era and when it got close to closing time, a couple of us would drop a few chicken breasts into the fryer hoping that there would be "leftovers" when it came time to lock up.  They made a great late-night snack.

4. Cole Slaw (KFC)

Cole slaw is an interesting dish.  My mom's recipe is absolutely delicious, while the stuff you get in the deli section of Stater Brothers supermarket tastes like lawn clippings soaked in tepid dishwater.  There's just no industry standard for cole slaw.  But if there were, Kentucky Fried Chicken's entry would most definitely be the one to shoot for.  If KFC existed on Mount Olympus, Zeus and Apollo would've shunned ambrosia and nectar in favor of cole slaw and crispy Snackers. 

5. French Fries (McDonald's)

McDonald's French Fries are the Beatles of the fast food industry.  The best, without any competitors even close to attaining their pure and unquestioned greatness.  I don't know what the McRecipe is for their fries, but my guess is that a key ingredient is crack because once you eat one, you just keep eating and eating and eating.  In my forty-plus years of McDonald's customership, I can honestly tell you I've never thrown away a single fry, not even the burned and cripsy McRejects.  I would have no problem whatsoever with McDonald's creating a fifth size for their French Fries -- small, medium, large, Super Size, and Infinity.  A bargain at any price.




THE WORST

1. Chicken McNuggets (McDonald's)

It amazes me that the same group of chefs who came up with the world's greatest French Fries also created the single most disgusting lumps of crap to ever grace a McMenu (have I worn out the McJokes yet?  I believe I have.).  Seriously, the Chicken McNuggets are so terrible that I once saw a few hundred hens and roosters picketing outside the McDonald's corporate headquarters.  But let's not kid ourselves here.  If you believe that McNuggets are made with 100% pure chicken, you probably also think Joan Rivers has never had plastic surgery.  The first clue that something's not right in McDonaldland is the nuggets only come in three McShapes (yeah, I went there again): a rough circle, kidney-shaped, and something that vaguely resembles one of  Santa Claus's boots.  Whatever the shape, the one constant is their taste which can best be described as spongy cardboard.  No amount of barbecue sauce can make up for that.

2. Taco (Jack in the Box)

A basic rule of thumb in the fast food industry is this:  If the word "taco" doesn't appear in the name of your restaurant, you have no business making tacos.  Nowhere is this more obvious than at Jack in the Box.  Jack's tacos are unique in the fact that aside from the cheese and vegetables, they come "preformed" as a frozen taco shell with a lump of meat/sauce/seasonings wedged inside.  This is deep-fried, pried open by the "cook" and filled with lettuce, tomatoes and cheese.  More often than not, the shell ends up limp and soggy, dripping grease and recently-thawed beef juice all over the place.  Since they taste like sewage, the mess is simply not worth it.

3. Whopper (Burger King)

When a restaurant chain dubs itself the burger "king", you'd expect it to serve burgers that go beyond the level of mediocre.  The Whopper isn't an especially horrible hamburger, but it's hardly exceptional.  Besides, it's made with mayonnaise as a standard ingredient.  Oh sure, I could "have it my way" and simply tell them to hold the mayo, but what's the point?  The fact that they even considered using mayonnaise on a burger kills their credibility from the get-go.  If we were to look at all the major fast food chains in the country (and we're going to come fairly close), I doubt we could rank Burger King's hamburgers in the top ten.  It takes more than flame-broiling, that's for damn sure.

4. Big Carl/Big Shef (Carl's Jr./Hardee's)

Not too long ago, Carl's Jr. (Hardees in some parts of the country) came up with a burger called the "Big Carl" designed to compete with -- or more accurately, copy -- the Big Mac.  Two all beef patties, special sauce, etc., etc., with the only difference being its larger size.  I've had a couple Big Carls and to tell you the truth, they're pretty decent.  But they're not quite the Big Mac.  But all that's beside the point.  I have no respect for a restaurant that shamelessly rips off one of its rivals.  It's like that commercial where the creepy Burger King guy sneaks into McDonald's at night and steals the blueprint for the Egg McMuffin.  There's a reason other companies steal from Mickey D's.  It's because they know they're not as good.  Just a bunch of sore McLosers (I just can't seem to help myself).

5. French Fries (In-N-Out Burger)

Remember when I mentioned the McDonald's paradox, how odd it is that the company that makes the best fries on the planet also makes repulsive chicken nuggets?  In-N-Out Burger has a similar situation, only in reverse.  They make incredible hamburgers, but their fries flat-out suck.  The problem is simple.  In-N-Out makes its French fries from actual potatoes and nothing else, if you can believe it.  You can see the employees over by the fryers, slicing the spuds and submerging them in the grease.  They leave out all the tasty additives and preservatives (like the crack they use at McD's, for example).  In a perfect world, In-N-Out would merge with McDonald's and serve Double Double cheeseburgers with McFries.

But with my luck, they'd go with In-N-Out fries and Chicken McNuggets.


d

What Ever Happened To . . . Mayor McCheese?

Michael McCheese was elected mayor of McDonaldland in November, 1972 in a landslide over the little-known and long-since-forgotten incumbent Mayor Vincent Vatagrese.  McCheese served as mayor for sixteen years, bringing about great change in McDonaldland, including drive-thru windows, the Egg McMuffin and, of course, the ever-popular McRib.

But despite his many accomplishments, the McCheese Administration was fraught with scandal and controversy.

In 1974, McDonald's arch-rival Burger King launched a national advertising campaign, encouraging its customers to "Have it Your Way." In an effort to put the brakes on the competition's rising popularity, unidentified McCheese staffers bugged Burger King headquarters, hoping to steal recipe secrets and advertising strategy.  A Burger King security guard discovered the break-in, and several McDonald's officials were implicated. McCheese denied any knowledge of the incident, however, investigators found a recording of McCheese and Grimace talking about using Officer Big Mac to obstruct the FBI's investigation of the Burger King break-ins.

McDonaldland Post reporters Bob McWoodward and Carl Burgerstein continued to uncover evidence that supported claims that Mayor McCheese was involved in the cover-up.  The scandal became known as "Burgergate" and many of McCheese's advisors encouraged the mayor to resign before he was impeached from office.  This, however, would prove unnecessary when Burger King dropped all charges against McCheese and his associates in exchange for a large sum of cash and the recipe for McDonald's french fries.

Burgergate was not the only scandal to rock the mayor's office.  In 1988, McCheese was accused of sexual assault, allegedly accosting a young fast-food entrepreneur at a restaurant convention in New York.

"All I wanted to do was say hello," remembers the victim, known only as Wendy. "I'd always admired Mayor McCheese and the McDonald's corporation, and I was hoping to get some ideas for my own restaurants.  I approached him in the hotel lobby and introduced myself.  To my surprise, he said that he was familiar with my restaurants.  He told me that he'd like to get to know more about my buns, and I expressed interest in his Big Mac.  He also mentioned that he was looking into a concept known as super-sizing, which sounded like a great idea.  We talked for a few more minutes, and he suggested that I come up to his room so he could show me his recipe for special sauce.  Well, once we got to his room, I suddenly realized that only one of us had been talking about hamburgers."

Humiliated, Wendy didn't mention the incident for almost six months, but by then it didn't matter anymore.

Shortly after the incident with Wendy, McCheese traveled to Los Angeles for a "business meeting."  While in L.A., McCheese took the opportunity to see his favorite musical, Cheeses Priced, Superstar.  An unidentified assailant approached McCheese's box from behind, put a gun to his head, and pulled the trigger.  Due to the hilarious yet freakish composition of McCheese's head, paramedics on the scene had difficulty identifying what was blood and what was ketchup.  At one point, a frustrated EMT was heard yelling, "Well, why don't YOU taste it if it's so damn important?!"

McCheese was rushed to Sesame Seeders Sinai Hospital, and a team of surgeons and neurologists worked to save the mayor's life.  Extensive cranial damage forced the doctors to remove McCheese's patties, buns, cheese and condiments.  The operation was technically a success, but all that remained of the mayor were pickles, tomatoes and onions kept alive in a refrigerator.  McCheese remained in this vegetative state until 1990 when his family finally permitted doctors to pull the plug.

The gunman was never apprehended, although several witnesses reported seeing a clown-like figure with an abnormally large head leaving the theater shortly after the attempted murder.


9