The Best and the Worst: Product Spokespersons

If you were in charge of marketing for your company, you'd want to make sure that the spokesperson in your television commercials was someone that would make your product appealing, someone that the general public would view as entertaining, or trustworthy, or (let's be honest) scorchingly hot.  You would not, for example, choose Christopher Walken to be the face of OshKosh children's clothing, nor would you name Mike Tyson as the cornerstone of your "Welcome to the History Channel" ad campaign.  Selecting just the right actor, celebrity, or even a specially-created fictional personality is absolutely critical in the success of your company's public relations and marketing.

With that in mind, let's take a look at the best and the worst of what TV commercials have to offer.

THE BAD

1. Flo (Progressive Insurance)

This bitch is so artificially perky and genuinely annoying that I wouldn't buy Progressive insurance if they offered a free policy and agreed to mow my front lawn every week.  Seriously, I could toss Flo into a friggin' wood chipper and whistle "Zip-a-dee-doo-dah" as the machine chewed her scrawny ass to bits.

The absolute worst of the Progressive commercials (and they're all pretty damn irritating) is the one where she responds with a grating "DISCOUNT!" to everything a potential customer says.  Are you a safe driver?  DISCOUNT!  Do you own a home?  DISCOUNT!  Do you want to whack me in the head with a Ping seven-iron?  DISCOUNT!

And what's with that name, "Flo"?  No one under the age of sixty is named "Flo," in fact, the name pretty much died out when the TV show Alice went off the air.  Come to think of it, that Flo was just as obnoxious as the insurance lady and they even kind of look alike.

2. Clara Peller (Wendy's)

We've got to go back to the mid-1980's for our next P.R. nightmare, the infamous "Where's the Beef?" lady Clara Peller.  I was unfortunate enough to have actually been working at Wendy's during this campaign, and let me tell you, you have no idea how absolutely infuriating it was to have every other customer ask "Where's the Beef?!" at the drive-through window.  I must've heard that phrase fifty times a shift, and every single time, the douchebag who said it thought it was the funniest thing since Ex-lax brownies.

At the time, the Wendy's people were quick to point out that Ms. Peller was not a trained actress, in fact, she was working as a manicurist on a commercial set when someone thought that her unique voice would make her perfect for ad work.  Whoever that person is, I hope he dies a slow painful death involving red ants, or maybe piranha.

Anyway, for about a year, you couldn't get away from the phrase "WHERE'S THE BEEF?!"  Walter "Three Electoral Votes" Mondale even used the slogan in his Democratic Primary battle against Gary Hart.  Let's face it, if Walter Mondale thinks your ad campaign is cool, it's time to fire your advertising agency.

3. Burger King (Burger King . . . duh)

Okay, to start with, the creation of the "Burger King" character is such a blatant rip off of "Jack" from Jack in the Box, that whoever came up with the idea should be ashamed of himself.  But beyond that, this guy is just plain creepy.  His facial expression never changes, he doesn't talk, and he's not even entertaining.  In various commercials, he breaks into someone's home and scares the shit out of him, infiltrates McDonald's headquarters and steals their hamburger recipe (have we no shame?), and I believe in one spot the Burger King sneaks into an animal shelter and suffocates a dozen golden retriever puppies.  He's not a burger magnate, he's a psychopath.  Have it my way, you say?  Okay, my way is to get rid of this freakish whack job and replace him with, well, pretty much anyone.  Except Flo the Insurance Lady.

4. Mr. Six (Six Flags)

Okay, the Six Flags commercials might be regional, so if you have no idea who this idiot is, consider your self lucky.  "Mr. Six" looks like the love child of George Burns and that turtle from the Bugs Bunny cartoons and doesn't do much besides dance around like a maniac.  I guess the sight of an old man dancing is supposed to be funny, but it's really, really sad.  He's not even an old man, he's a young guy wearing a rubber face and a pair of Harry Caray's old eyeglasses.

Naming this guy "Mr. Six" was a stroke of idiocy.  I mean, really, is that the best they could come up with?  What was THAT writers' meeting like?

"Okay, we've got to think of a name for this guy.  Hmmmm.  It's for Six Flags Amusement Parks . . . "

"I've got it!  How about Mr. Amusement Park?"

"Not bad, let's keep that in mind.  Anyone else?"

"Roller Coaster Guy?"

"Mr. Flags?"

"Wait!  Call off the dogs!  The search is over . . . we'll call him . . . Mister Six!  Get it?  SIX Flags?"

"Murphy, you're a genius!  Let's go have lunch."

The most recent Six Flags ad campaign has Mr. Six comparing mundane activities like tossing a ball of yarn to your cat (ONE FLAG!) with riding a Six Flags roller coaster like X or Deja Vu (SIX FLAGS!).  Originally, the star of these commercials was an Asian dude, but apparently someone complained that his cheers of "ONE FRAG!", "SIX FRAGS" was a racist stereotype.  Too bad, because I actually thought that guy was pretty funny.  Mr. Six, on the other hand, is just weird.

5. Mr. Whipple (Charmin)

We're going "old school" on this one.

Mr. Whipple was a grocer (I think) who had an almost obsessive attitude toward protecting his store's supply of Charmin toilet tissue from potential squeezers.  Whenever one of Whipple's female customers picked up a package of Charmin, she couldn't resist the temptation to squeeze it because Charmin is so ridiculously soft and squeezable.  Whipple, for whatever reason, had a problem with this and would glare at these women and snarl, "Hey, bitches, don't squeeze my fuckin' Charmin."  Okay, maybe he didn't put it quite that way but he wanted to.  You could see it in his eyes.

Personally, I think Mr. Whipple should've gotten together with Rosie, the "Quicker Picker Upper" lady from the Bounty paper towel commercials.  They would've been a match made in paper goods heaven.

THE GOOD

1. Jack (Jack in the Box)

In my mind, this is the best of the best.  Whoever thought of taking a completely ridiculous character like a jack-in-the-box and turning him into a serious (yet whimsical) CEO deserves a spot right next to Karl Malden in the Television Commercial Hall of Fame.  Honestly, who would ever think of making a clown their company's Chief Executive Officer?

Okay, BP, good point.

Yeah, Enron too, I forgot about them.

Still, this guy is simply awesome.  From giving that stoner kid a discount on his tacos to sitting at his desk making his sandwiches talk, Jack is the very embodiment of sound leadership.  His implementation of "Bowl Haircut Day" to promote the Jack-in-the-Box breakfast bowls was brilliant.

I'd work for him any day.

2. The Most Interesting Man in the World (Dos Equis)

The debonair Dos Equis representative is truly a man's man (but the ladies love him too).  He once had an awkward moment just to see how it feels.  He speaks French . . . in Russian.  Even his enemies list him as their emergency contact.  His personality is so magnetic, he can't carry credit cards.  He never says that anything tastes like chicken . . . not even chicken.  He lives vicariously through himself.  He's a lover not a fighter, but he's also a fighter so don't get any ideas.  Chuck Norris carries a picture of him in his wallet.

This is what endorsing a product is all about.  The Most Interesting Man Alive gives Dos Equis (a mediocre to above average beer at best) credibility.  He doesn't always drink beer, but when he does, he prefers Dos Equis.  And therefore, so should you.

3. Rapping Hamsters (Kia)

I'll be the first to admit it, there is no logical reason whatsoever that I should like these guys.  I hate hip-hop, I don't like hamsters, and I would never in a million years purchase a Kia Soul (or any other Kia, for that matter).  But the Hamstars are friggin' hilarious.  Sure, they're a little bit racist and gangster, but watching those fat furry bodies dance to the catchy lyrics "You can get with this, you can get with that . . . doo-dah-dippity . . . " makes me smile every time.  I especially dig the one in the white hoodie.  He's got some moves.

4. Caveman (Geico)

As time's gone on these commercials have gotten less and less clever, but when they first hit the airwaves the originality and humor was almost revolutionary.  It started out with a basic idea, Geico.com is so simple even a caveman can do it.  The point is made, and if it went no further, no one would've cared.  But then, cut to a restaurant where the Geico representative is being forced to apologize to a couple Neanderthals (or maybe Australopithicusses, they never really specify) who were offended by the insulting catch phrase.  The banter is priceless.

"Seriously, we apologize.  We had no idea you guys were still around."

"Yeah, next time maybe do a little research."

"Are you gentlemen ready to order?"

"I'll have the roast duck with mango salsa."

"I don't have much of an appetite."

A few of the other caveman spots were clever, but none ever matched the pure genius of the original.  Classic.

5. Sonny the Cuckoo (Cocoa Puffs)

Okay, perhaps he came across as a hopped-up cereal junkie.  Some kids may have even found him frightening.  But when it comes to simplifying your message, you just can't get any clearer than "I'm cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs."  Sonny will live forever in my memory because back in the mid-80's, when I was working as a salesmen at Radio Shack, my boss who we'll call Bob (because that was his name) would use the phrase "Cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs" in almost any situation.

"Bob, this lady wants to return her Realistic tape recorder because the rewind button doesn't work."

"Well, that just makes me cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs."

"Bob, any chance we could get an increase in our sales commission this month?"

"What are you, cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs?"

"Hey, Bob, Jennifer called in sick again."

"That woman is cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs."

On and on it went.

Cereal companies have always been pretty good at creating friendly and charming characters -- Tony the Tiger, Dig 'Em the Frog, Cap'n Crunch, etc. -- but Sonny was neither friendly nor charming.  He was just plain nuts.

And that's why we love him.


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