Tuesday, July 7, 2009
Former marketing director for the Zizzerzazzerzuzz Ham and Egg Company, Samuel "Sam I Am" Higginbottom, now 48, was convicted of rape charges in 2007, and is currently serving a 50 year prison sentence in Whoville State Penitentiary.
On the night of January 21, 2007, Higginbottom had a date with Jennifer "Slut I'm Not" Fuddnuddler. After dinner and a movie, Higginbottom drove to a secluded rest stop, parked, and tried to coerce Fuddnuddler into having sex with him.
During testimony in the trial, Fuddnuddler claimed that Higginbottom made unwelcome advances to her, quoting him as saying, "In the dark? Here in the dark? Would you, could you, in the dark?" Despite her apprehension, Fuddnuddler politely rebuffed Sam's proposal, but he refused to back off.
"Would you, could you, in a box? Would you, could you, with a fox?" he suggested.
Tensions increased when Fuddnuddler snapped back, "I would not, could NOT, in a box . . . and if you think you're a fox, you're sadly mistaken."
Fuddnuddler went on to claim that Higginbottom even proposed acts of bestiality, asking her, "Well then, would you, could you, with a goat?" At that point, she said, she tried to escape, but Higginbottom overpowered her and forced himself upon her.
Higginbottom's attorney, Sylvester McMonkey-McBean, fought for his client's acquittal, but in the end the evidence was overwhelming. After just forty-five minutes of deliberating, the jury determined that Sam indeed "would have, could have, in a car."
Samuel Higginbottom is scheduled for release in 2057.
WILE E. COYOTE
Coyote had been living well prior to Mr. Runner's death. Seven years ago, he was awarded a 12.2 million dollar settlement in a civil suit against Acme Corporation (Coyote v. Acme, 2002), for pain and suffering caused by the repeated failure of Acme products. Coyote's attorneys were able to show a pattern of manufacturing defects in items such as the Acme Instant Hole, Acme Giant Spring, and most notably the Acme Catapult, which by itself caused Coyote to injure himself on forty-two separate occasions.
With his newfound wealth, Coyote resumed his pursuit of Mr. Runner, significantly upgrading his arsenal to include C-4 plastic explosive, AK-47 assault rifles, sophisticated poisons, and even a slightly used AH-64 Apache helicopter. His expeditures proved unnecessary, though, when Road Runner was killed in a traffic accident on June 17, 2004.
Unable to cope with the loss, Coyote attempted to commit suicide, strapping on his old pair of Acme Rocket Skates and projecting himself off of a 300-foot cliff in the Mojave Desert. Despite leaving a vaguely coyote-shaped imprint in the desert floor, Coyote only suffered minor scrapes and bruises. He subsequently underwent psychiatric evaluation and was institutionalized.
In 2009, on the fifth anniversary of Road Runner's death, ABC News attempted to interview Coyote at Freleng Hospital for inclusion in a three-part series, Runnin' Down the Road's His Idea of Havin' Fun: The Fast Times of Road Runner. Coyote, however, was unresponsive to questions, simply sitting in the corner of his room, rocking back and forth while muttering a single phrase:
"Beep beep. Beep beep. Beep beep."
Thursday, July 2, 2009
Herman "Hermie" Dingleknocker, originally from Christmastown, North Pole, is currently a cosmetic dentist in Southern California.
From 1961 through 1964, Dingleknocker worked for the Kringle Toy Company, where he was a low-level assembler. A substandard employee at best, Dingleknocker left his job with Kringle on December 23, 1964 amidst controversy and bitterness. While preparing for the annual Christmas run, the disgruntled Dingleknocker continually refused to complete his tasks because, in his words, "I don't like to make toys."
Head Elf Heinrich Von Luftmacher threatened to fire Dingleknocker on the spot, at which point the misfit youth replied, "You can't fire me, I quit! Seems I don't fit in."
For the next ten years, Dingleknocker lived with a drifter named Chuck "Yukon" Cornelius, who became a public figure in the late 70's after his arrest for hunting Bumbles out of season. Little is known about this dark period in Dingleknocker's adolescence, and to this day he refuses to discuss it.
In September, 1975, Hermie traveled to the United States and enrolled in the UCLA School of Dentistry in Los Angeles. Finally finding his true calling, he graduated with honors in 1979 and opened a cosmetic dentistry office in Beverly Hills, which flourishes to this day. Known as the "Toothmaster to the Stars," Dr. Dingleknocker maintains a prestigious client list that includes names such as Jessica Simpson, NFL star Chad Ochocinco, rapper Flava Flav, and the entire Osmond family. VH1 is currently finalizing the details on an upcoming reality show starring Dr. Dingleknocker, entitled Celebrity Grills.
Dingleknocker, now 58, lives in Santa Monica, California with his fiance Jennifer Aniston.
In the fall of 1959, Sandra "Goldilocks" McDougal began a crime spree that would last for decades. She had been staking out the house of the Bear family (Howard "Papa" Bear, Sheila "Mama" Bear, and Tommy "Baby" Bear) for weeks, and on the afternoon of September 23, she made her move. When the Bears left to go for a walk, Goldilocks broke in, ate their lunch, destroyed their furniture, and fell asleep in the bedroom. The Bears returned to find her at the scene, but she managed to escape and was never apprehended.
As a victim of that crime, Tommy Bear suffered severe emotional trauma upon discovering that his favorite chair had been destroyed. Tommy had built the chair himself, in woodshop class at Shady Forest Elementary School, and seeing it in pieces was too much for him to bear. Goldilocks had also eaten all of his porridge, while leaving Papa and Mama's virtually untouched. The realization that food can be taken away at any time caused Tommy to become a compulsive eater, greedily devouring any food he could get his paws on.
Howard and Sheila Bear sought counseling for their young cub, taking him to Dr. Eric Doolittle, best known for his ability to communicate with animals. Though he employed several methods to break through Tommy Bear's psychological defense mechanisms, Dr. Doolittle had little success, and as a last resort prescribed a variety of anti-depressants and diet pills.
Which made the problem worse.
As a teenager, Tommy Bear became addicted to his prescription medication, and supplemented his pills with alcohol, crack honey, and In-N-Out Double Double cheeseburgers. After the death of his parents in a tragic hunting "accident" in 1989, Tommy hit rock bottom. By 1993 he was destitute, living in squalor in a cave outside of Yosemite National Park. A team from the California Department of Fish and Game, responding to reports of a "really huge fucking bear" walking around in the forest, found the 900-pound Bear passed out next to a pile of burger wrappers and Jack Daniels' bottles.
Attempts to domesticate Tommy Bear and turn him over to the Los Angeles Zoo were unsuccessful, resulting in the severe disfigurement of zookeeper Claude Fleshman. With no other options available, Bear was euthanized on April 17, 1994. Even PETA agreed with the decision.
Goldilocks remains at large.
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
Aside from the legendary Cap'n Crunch and perhaps the Trix Rabbit, the most famous breakfast cereal representatives in history would have to be the Rice Krispies icons Snap, Crackle, and Pop.
The sons of Polish immigrants Kaboom and Powie Jablonsky, the brothers grew up in the slums of Chicago, often begging on street corners for spare change or the odd scrap of food while their parents worked in a shoe factory. It was a rough childhood and they were often pitied, or even looked down upon as wayward ragamuffins.
In 1960, the boys' luck changed dramatically when a wealthy entrepreneur stopped to give them a few quarters. Charmed by the brothers' smiles and perkiness, Mr. Will Kellogg asked if they'd like to come work for him at his cereal company. Snap, the most confident and outspoken of the trio, said that they'd have to ask their folks. Kellogg walked the boys home, all the while becoming more and more impressed with their engaging banter and positive outlook on life.
When they arrived at the ramshackle apartment, Kaboom Jablonsky was reading the evening paper while Powie changed the rancid diaper of the new baby, Wham. Mr. Kellogg introduced himself, and offered Kaboom $10,000 if he'd allow Snap, Crackle, and Pop to go with him to New York and become the faces of his new breakfast cereal, Rice Krispies.
Said Kaboom: "You had me at 'arrived at the ramshackle apartment.'"
"The rest, as they say, is history. For the next three decades, the names Snap, Crackle, and Pop were synonymous with delicious breakfast cereal and their adorable, elfish faces were splashed all over billboards, cereal boxes, TV commercials, and memorabilia. They retired from the company in 1995, millionaires, and their likenesses are still used on Kellogg's Rice Krispies to this day.
Snap Jablonsky used his fortune to open a chain of workout centers, Snap Fitness. He currently lives in San Diego with his wife Elizabeth and their triplet girls, Shake, Rattle, and Jennifer. Snap is proud of his Rice Krispies legacy, and always speaks fondly of Will Kellogg, who passed away in 2006. Delivering the eulogy at Kellogg's funeral, Snap described him as "a wonderful gentleman who changed the way the world looked at puffed rice."
Crackle was always the difficult one, perhaps a victim of "middle child" syndrome. While he reluctantly went along with, as he called it, "the whole friggin' cereal thing", his true passion was horse racing. In 1997, he lost an estimated $400,000 in one afternoon at Santa Anita, continually betting long-shots and drinking white wine spritzers. Crackle has no children, and his ex-wife Monica took him for the few scraps of cash he had left in a bitter divorce in 2002. Crackle came out of the closet in 2008, embracing his long-suppressed gay identity. He is currently living in West Los Angeles with his life partner Count Chocula.
Pop, the quiet one, was Will Kellogg's favorite. Always smart with his money, Pop was on Forbes' list of the fifty richest people in the world as recently as 2005. When Kellogg died in October of '06, Pop Jablonsky was a major beneficiary in his will, receiving controlling interest in the Kellogg's Company along with $500 million in cash. Pop is currently living the life of a reclusive gazillionaire in the Cayman Islands.
And what happened to the infant, Wham Jablonsky? Just as the Marx Brothers had a sibling, Gummo, who never appeared in their movies, Wham never showed any interest in joining his brothers in the cereal industry. Instead, he took singing lessons and in the early 80's Wham moved to England and became a pop music star, peaking in 1984 with his hit single, "Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go".