Saturday, November 21, 2009

When Harry Met Marcia . . .

Everyone, and I don't care who you are, has their list of guilty pleasures.  You know, things that you really enjoy, but you'd never admit to enjoying.  One example would be any guy that likes America's Next Top Model.  Let me be clear on this one point: I absolutely despise this show.  However, my dear Theresa LOVES it, so I've happened to watch a few episodes with her.  For those of you not familiar with this train wreck, ANTM is essentially Survivor for anorexic, psycho women.  The supreme bitch, Tyra Banks, condescends to each contestant, telling them why they'll never be the modeling goddess that she herself is, and then sends the lowest-ranking model home to engage in a month-long cycle of eating and regurgitating Krispy Kreme donuts.

But it's not just Tyra who gets to vote off the scrawniest loser.  She employs a panel of photographers, hairdressers, and modeling coaches to help with the decision each week.  All of these panelists are weird in their own way, but I must take the time here to point out the most bizarre freakazoid of the bunch.  "His" name is Miss J, and the best way I can describe him is like this:

Remember the film The Fly?  Jeff Goldblum steps into a teleportation machine and successfully transports himself across a considerable distance.  Unbeknownst to Mr. Goldblum, however, there was a fly in the machine with him. When they got to their destination, Jeff's DNA had combined with that of the fly, creating a disgusting human-insect hybrid.

Now, in that same scenario, replace Jeff Goldblum with Cher, and the fly with Shaquille O'Neal.  The disgusting hybrid would be Miss J.

Anyway, without further ado, I'm going to share with you a few things that I'm embarrassed to say I enjoy.  And before any of you faux-macho types out there (I'm looking at YOU, Moog) start bashing me in the comments about how I need to turn in my man card or how my mangina is showing, remember the whole point is that these are embarrassing.  I'm in touch with who I am, thank you very much.

So here we go . . . 


This one kind of snuck up on me.  Sure, I had the Lost in Love album back in the 80's.  It was basically the soundtrack to every high school heartbreak that I suffered.  "I'm all out of love, I'm so lost without you..."  When you're sixteen, it's easy to get lost in love, and each girl you fall for becomes every woman in the world.  To you.

I hadn't listened to the vocal stylings of Russell Hitchcock and Graham Russell (holy crap, I remember their actual names?  This is worse than I thought.) in probably fifteen years, and then just the other day when Theresa and I were cleaning out the garage, I came across the Greatest Hits CD.  Naturally, I copied it onto my iTunes and hit play.  I was able to sing along with just about every song.  Oh baby, those mem'ries came crashin' through . . .

Of course, when the album ended, I put on Guns 'n' Roses Appetite for Destruction, just to get the testosterone flowing again.


To truly appreciate the depths of my Brady Bunch neurosis, click here.

It's true.  I'm a Bradyphile.  I watched this show religiously when I was a kid, and even now (when there's someone else who cares, when there's someone home who's waiting just for - wait, that's Manilow, not Air Supply, I'm confusing myself) I can't resist a good Brady Bunch episode if I happen to stumble across one while channel-surfing.  I can tell you everything from the name of Alice's boyfriend (Sam the Butcher, last name: Franklin . . . I know I'm repeating a line from the post I linked you to above, but be honest.  You didn't bother to click to it, did you?) to the name of the bully who teased Cindy about her lisp (Buddy Hinton).

I've seen every episode (many times, to be honest) and I have my favorites.  The one where the rival quarterback (Jerry Rogers) steals Greg's playbook is a  classic, as is the unforgettable "Oh, my nose!" incident.  And while there were certainly some episodes  that bordered on the unwatchable (are you listening, Cousin Oliver?), for the most part it was good old-fashioned family entertainment.


As chick flicks go, When Harry Met Sally . . . isn't the most nut-deflating, that title would go to Steel Magnolias, but it's in the top ten.

I don't care.

First of all, I'm a big fan of Billy Crystal and for my money, this is his best performance ever.  And Meg Ryan circa 1988 was pretty damn hot.  What guy didn't get turned on by the infamous "I'll have what she's having" scene?

Billy and Meg aside, what really makes this movie is the writing of Nora Ephron.  She took the simple question, "can a man and a woman ever be just friends" and ran with it.  The answer, of course, is "no", because the guy will always be thinking about having sex with her at some point (except me, just in case Theresa is reading this).  Harry makes this point abundantly clear when Sally asks, "So men CAN be friends with a woman he finds unattractive?"  Harry's reply?  "Nah, you pretty much want to nail them, too."

The best line in the film, though, is " of them was wearing a t-shirt that said 'Don't fuck with Mr. Zero'".  How great is that?  "Don't Fuck With Mr. Zero" sounds like an episode of Multiplication Rock that didn't quite make it past the censors.

Naturally, I own the DVD and put it on every so often, and it's always funny.  And poignant.  And yeah, just a tad estrogen-laden, but whatever.  If it makes you feel any better, I absolutely can't stand Steel Magnolias.

Yes, it's football and football is manly.  Not all guilty pleasures are feminine.  Some are just things that you're ashamed of, and being a Jets fan fits squarely into that category.

It's not that the Jets are a horrible team, certainly not as bad as the Detroit Lions or Cleveland Browns.  In fact, most seasons the Jets will play great football for a stretch of three or four games.  But then, out of nowhere, they'll start to suck like an Electrolux (feel free to substitute the name of your favorite porn star for the Electrolux, if that's how you roll.  Lookin' at you again, Moog.).  Take this season.  The Jets started off 3-0, with rookie QB Mark Sanchez looking like the second-coming of Tom Brady.  Since then, though, the Jets have gone 1-5 and Sanchez is looking more like the second coming of Marcia Brady.

Oh, and speaking of Marcia Brady, remember when the Bradys went to Hawaii and she was wearing that bikini?

That was AWESOME.

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otin said...

OK KH, here goes....
I love the Brady Bunch and Gilligan's Island

I will still watch Saved By the Bell

Antiques Roadshow is awesome

I used to like Trading Spaces

I spent my entire day last week watching Looney Tunes

I thought that Kiss Dynasty was awesome.

I have listened to Howard Stern since he was on NBC

I record Days Of Our Lives everyday!

I think that I could think of even worst ones if I tried!

JohnnyB said...

I also like Harry met Sally and "Youve Got Mail", for similar reasons.
I have been a Bengals fan for many years - being a Jets fan is not as hard as that.
My daughter got us watching "Top Model" but, when she went to college, I easily stopped. However I still watch "Project Runway" and "So You Think You Can Dance" (fashion and dance having been two of the child's passions)
I think that's sufficient emasculation, I won't add more to the list.

blurts said...

Hey, I admire Jets fans. Unlike Cowboys fans, they remain fans even in the bad times...which sadly are nearly constant.

I'd bet there is a big market on Ebay for bootlegs of the Dont fuck with Mr. Zero episode of school house rock

Me-Me King said...

Hello, my name is Me-Me and I'm a reality showaholic. I have watched every episode of every season of America's Next Top Model including the repeat marathons.

You may think watching this much ANTM is crazy, but at lest I NEVER bought an Air Supply album.

Quirkyloon said...

You made me shudder. Air Supply?


Eva Gallant said...

I love the Millionaire Matchmaker, Project Runway, and The Bachelor/Bachelorette.

Your description of ANTM was right on, as was your description of TYRA. Can't believe she has this show PLUS her own talk show!

I loved the movie True Lies with "Arnold" and Jamie Lee. Lame, but there was something I just couldn't resist about it!

CatLadyLarew said...

As Chick Flicks go, Nora Ephron's entries are some of the best. But Air Supply and the Brady Bunch? I'm starting to worry!

~jill said... best description of "miss" j EVER!!!!!!

Fragrant Liar said...

Can't stand the model show. Love When Harry Met Sally (and Sleepless in Seattle), and when we were growing up, we WERE the Brady Bunch. I so identify. :)

So, are you really a girl?

corticoWhat said...

You were right. You need to turn in your man card. No real men root for the Jets!

War Marcia Brady!

Amy Mullis said...

I know the words to the Brady Bunch song and will sing them unannounced to annoy the teenagers. But David Cassidy in the Partridge Family was my one true love. Well, him and Bobby Sherman. Well, him and Bobby Sherman and McGyver. Well him and. . .I guess it's better not to name names. Somebody always gets their feelings hurt.

Samsmama said...

Hahaha! What a great list! I've never watched ANTM, mainly because of my hatred for Tyra and her enormous forehead. Come over sometime and we can watch "When Harry Met Sally" on it. Or "Forget Paris", I really like that one, too.

Noelle said...

oooooh...brady bunch! i loved them. my favorite episode: pork chops and applesauce. i still say that and my kids think i'm nuts because they have no idea what i'm talking about.

i get don't like antm. what about "paris hilton's new bff"? not that i've watched it. just wondering if you ever have. not me, though. i wouldn't watch mind rot like that. ever. heh heh.

Tamara aka Cheapskate Mom said...

I just love me some Real Housewives!

Hey thanks for dropping by my blog today! Your blog is fun! I'm a new follower =)

Uncle Skip, said...

Now when someone says, "Reality sucks!" They are talking about most of the shows on TV.
I think maybe Suldog is really lucky to have that 30 minute infomercial he watches.
~ not your Uncle Skip

Beth said...

I love the Brady Bunch, too! I even love the Brady reunions. I know. I'm lame.

nonamedufus said...

Oh, man, you're really a Marci, Marcia, Marcia. And I mean that in a good way, really.

Moooooog35 said...


I got fingered more times in that post than Lindsay Lohan on a weekend bender.

Publicity is publicity, they say.

Oh, I also love the Brady Bunch.

As in, Tom Brady's bunch.

Who beat the Jets yesterday.


Unfinished Rambler said...

When Harry Met Sally: agreed. Nora Ephron's writing is gold, but I am glad to see that you absolutely can't stand Steel Magnolias. As a result of that, you're now all right in my book (yes, I keep a book for things like that, and could have stopped reading you altogether, if you were in said book).

The Jets? Really. I can't relate. I am a lifelong Steelers and Yankees fan, so used to the whole...I don't know...winning and championship things, you know? Oh, sorry, you don't. ;) I do wish I had Thomas Jones on fantasy football team, though, and am thankful for Jerricho Cotchery. Would have been more thankful if he was healthy the entire season.

~KC~ said...

WHMS is one of my alltime favorite movies, along with French Kiss... but then again, I'm a chick.

Guilty pleasures include:
Big Brother (drives me insane but its a train wreck waiting to happen, ONE.MUST.WATCH.)

FarmVille on Facebook. Like a crack-addict, I MUST attend to my farm.

hmmm... but now I can't think - I got Air Supply running thru my head. Thanks a lot.

Dave "Loose Cannon" Wills said...

The Brady Bunch was equally annoying and fantastic back in the day. I think it was a preview to the horrors today we have such as Jon & Kate Plus Eight Traumatized Kids, The Duggars and their army, Octo-Mom and Table of 12.

And ANTM? Mister Jaymeena or whatever the hell he/she is called, is totally hilarious. Though he/she seems like a good-hearted, kind, often funny, sarcastic yet helpful, supportive voice to the 'models', he does look like a cross-dresser gone wrong.

Great read!

rick said...

You want awesome? Maureen Mcormack (Marcia) wrote a book and said right after the Brady Bunch,she became a severe coke addict. Her nickname was "Hoover". One time she got so desperate for a fix, she had sex with some guy and she let him film the whole thing! Somewhere out there, right now, is a kinky porno film of Marcia Brady! Who'd of thunk it?

Kyle said...

I feel the Top Model thing. In a former life, I had Real World-Road Rules-Real World/Road Rules Challenge with an ex-gf and I actually began to enjoy watching the stupid drunk people hump each other.

MikeWJ at Too Many Mornings said...

You lost me at Air Supply, but picked me up again at Marcia in that bikini. Wow, what a memory. And a guilty pleasure, to be honest. And, yes, I admit it, I sorta liked When Harry Met Sally. There, I've said it out loud. Sue me.

Peter Varvel said...

And don't forget - in this six degrees of nostalgia post - when Joe Namath was on the 'Bunch' (he WAS playing for Jets back then, wasn't he?).

Lisa (aka LadyWanderlust) said...

Wow! If Otin visits here, then you MUST be cool. Newbie visitor/commentor here! Okay, let's be perfectly honest we all have guilty pleasures. I am no exception: American Idol, So You Think You Can Dance, YouTube, Adam Lambert, Taylor Lautner (as in the 17 y.o. Taylor Lautner, being a Fanpire or Twihard! Need I continue on? Great post. :) P.S. What is wrong with Air Supply and the Brady Bunch?

brainella said...

When Harry Met Sally is one of the best movies ever. My husband agrees. :)

Oh, and Air Supply has to be followed by Guns 'n Roses...I think that's now a rule.

Jenn said...

When Harry Met Sally is the movie that prompted my unnatural fear of karaoke. But it is such a classic I own it on VHS.

Yeah that's right I still have a VCR. Talk about embarassing.

lime said...

my daughter has tormented me with ANTM and your descriotion of miss j is hilariously spot on!

air supply? really? no way? oh man...

when harry met sally, i have to admit i only saw it for the first time this year. (though the faked orgasm scene i had seen a zillion times in various places) gotta say i enjoyed it.

Jules said...

"I'm in touch with who I am... Air Supply"
Need any more really be said?? ;-)

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